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Liu Ran knows what her fellow noblewomen say about her when they all gather at one of the palaces for the noontime parties, outwardly to enquire politely about one another's lives and praise the food, and behind backs to gossip snidely about one another's misfortunes. The whispers cropped up as early as when she and Erlang returned from their travels two years ago to settle back in Luoyang again and rejoin the service of Her Majesty.

She knows they say she is cursed, that she carries bad luck. That she brings her curse on those around her.

Her father being forced out of society before she even came of age, her mother dying and her errant brother disappearing right on the heels of that. Her brother ultimately now exiled to the mountains for his thoughtless actions, a disgraced heir to the Liu family, all for revenge for someone who'd betrayed the Empress and allied with the Four Seasons Clan.

Her father-in-law murdered and her new husband kidnapped before all the ceremonies were even completed on her wedding day. Her uncle who'd raised her found dead and guilty for treason right after. Her husband caught in the web of a giant conspiracy the entire first year of their marriage, one that nearly brought about the complete destruction of the Baili family.

And now here she is on top of all that, nearly twenty-four and married for five years, yet still childless.

It was almost expected really, how much the gossip about her resurfaced to center stage today. Because the Princess Yongchuan, who married two years after Liu Ran, has finally returned to hosting these informal social gatherings today after the resting period and hundred day celebrations following the birth of her second daughter. And Wu Siyue, who finally married Gao Bingzhu a handful of months ago after the many threads of chaos and conspiracy that nearly toppled Luoyang had all been uncovered, is glowing with quiet joy as she announces that she is expecting a child around Qixi.

Liu Ran celebrates her good friend's happiness and ignores the sly glances and whispered giggles that pass around her. Yunzhi, sitting beside her, looks more and more indignant as the hours pass, but Liu Ran doesn't drop her placid façade, smiling and mingling with equanimity.

It is well-known in court gossip that Liu Ran doesn't share a bedchamber with her husband. And they quietly laugh at how Baili Erlang seems to be more enthralled with puzzles than his wife. To her face, they boast about how much passion and doting attention their husbands hold for them, to indirectly smirk at how her husband never seeks her out. Liu Ran fields it all politely, being raised in high society has given her that much skill. And then, when she's stayed long enough to be polite, she makes her farewells and heads home.

She isn't really surprised or even hurt by any of this. It is the way of high society to thrive on gossip and manipulation and intrigue after all. Both her and Erlang knew this is what they'd be returning to when they made the decision to settle back into their life in Luoyang again.

But still, Yunzhi is furious on her behalf.

"The nerve of those women!" Yunzhi rants, stomping a foot in anger as they sit side-by-side in the carriage. "The way they talked to you, Qiniang, so disrespectful! And to insinuate it's all because you are - are defective or something, when it is all Baili Erlang's fault -!"

"Yunzhi," Liu Ran interrupts, chiding. "It's not Erlang's fault any more than mine."

"He is the one who shows no interest in being a proper husband for you!" Yunzhi continues her angry defense of her. "The least he can do in that case is to protect you from this kind of malicious gossip. I will tell him to -"

"Yunzhi," Liu Ran says, more firm. "Don't bother Erlang with silly matters like this. This is nothing."

And it is nothing. Erlang is the most straightforward and honest man she knows, and she is happy as long as she can stay beside him, have the stability that his care for her brings. She doesn't need to play these petty court games to feel secure in her choices.

Because what none of them understand is that being unsought is not the same as being unwanted.

The way Erlang wants her in his life is not the same as how these women who laugh at her are wanted. (Liu Ran's father had showered her mother in gifts and affection and sweet words once. And yet, when it served his ambitions better, he left her behind anyway...)

Can any one of them claim to hold the kind of steadfast care and loyalty from their spouse where he would abandon all caution to walk willingly into danger for them? Can any of them claim to have experienced the kind of fierce protectiveness where their husband was choked near to death and yet his first wheezing words were a demand for her safety?

No, her life with Erlang isn't any lesser than theirs, no matter how they mock her for it.

She has everything she needs already. A place where she will always be treated with consideration, without any threat of being carelessly set aside or abandoned.

And what more could a woman hope for?

***

Yunzhi clearly ignores Liu Ran's words.

That night after they take their dinner together, Erlang seems pensive as he peers into his cup of tea. This by itself isn't novel, Erlang is usually lost in his own thoughts while Liu Ran chatters at him about her day or about whatever has caught her fancy. That is how they usually spend the hours after dusk together, till it is time to part ways and go to their separate rooms for sleep.

(Once, when she still believed that Erlang was paying her no mind when he was like this, Liu Ran had started speaking nonsense halfway through, as a joke.

Erlang had interrupted her two minutes into her spiel though, saying with a teasing quirk of the mouth and a raised eyebrow that he actually will buy her a jingling donkey to ride into the market everyday, if she so wished.

Liu Ran had turned him down with grace, a field of butterflies fluttering in her stomach.)

Tonight though, Erlang speaks up first.

"Qiniang," he says, serious. "Yunzhi told me about the things people say about you." Liu Ran blinks, lowers her cup slowly. "How can I help?"

"It's just something silly people say," she reassures him. "You don't need to concern yourself. I told Yunzhi not to bother you with it."

"I'm glad she did," he replies, frowning. "The things she said they say about you... It's not right, and it's affecting your life. I am your husband. Isn't it my responsibility to make your troubles go away?"

"I know you care for me," Liu Ran says, feeling warm and happy. "That is enough."

They lapse into silence for a couple of moments.

"I can speak up at the next gathering we are at together if people pass such snide comments about you," Erlang says, not letting it go, because of course he's not. It wouldn't be him if he ignored something he saw as a problem to fix. "I'll let everyone know that it's not any fault of yours, but mine. That I am the one who is... unworldly, incapable of wanting the things that are expected in a marriage. My ascetic tendencies imply nothing about you."

Liu Ran sits straight, alarmed. "Erlang, no! I know how the court will twist your words. Then we'll just both become something to gossip about and laugh at. Especially with how grudging the Grand Court has been with your rapid ascension among their ranks after your return, after everything that's happened... I don't want to be the cause of any problems for you."

She reaches out, taking his free hand in hers. He twists it in her grasp so their fingers are intertwined, the way he always does these days, their hands resting palm to palm. Gone are the days Erlang stiffened up and merely endured her affectionate overtures.

"Promise you won't say anything?" she insists, jostling their joined hands.

Erlang studies her over his cup.

"Fine," he says finally, looking displeased. "I promise I won't say anything about this matter unless you ask."

They both lapse into a contemplative silence once more. After countless moments, Liu Ran breaks it.

"So have you really never... at all?" she asks, a little hesitant. "Wanted to be with someone, I mean?" They've never explicitly discussed this facet of their relationship, Liu Ran content to wordlessly follow her husband's lead. Apart from that one night on the journey to Mount Lian, they've never even shared a bed.

She has pushed for a certain level of comfort and affection between them of course, because she felt it would benefit both of them. Hands held casually, the occasional kiss on the cheek. Neatening his robes for him before he set out for the day, saying goodnight with a gentle squeeze of the wrist. Sometimes, when Erlang is working late in his rooms, Liu Ran would curl up against his side and he'd let her, wrapping his outer robes around her and allowing her to pillow her head on his shoulder. Sometimes, when he returned early from his work, he'd look at her with fond eyes and take her hand in his, asking if she'd like to go out together to have dinner at a new restaurant he's discovered.

She has pushed and pushed this far, prioritizing her wants and needs over his in their private relationship. She even forced his hand when it came to the very act of their marriage, when it was so clearly against his choice and under coercive pressure from his father.

She has invalidated his choices like this, and she is aware it is only because of the kind of man Erlang is that he has never held it against her, that their marriage hasn't reduced to caustic bitterness.

(And she has invalidated his choices like this precisely because he is that kind of man and she could not imagine anyone else giving her the security and stability she craved in a marriage.)

And so, everything else that happens in their marriage beyond that, she has left to Erlang's choice, and gladly. It is no more than she owes.

But still. She's curious.

Erlang ponders her question for a few seconds before answering. "No, I don't think I have ever wanted to be with someone. I have never thought of any woman in... that way."

"Perhaps... a man then?" Liu Ran asks, partly fascinated, partly alarmed. She has known a few married men who kept male concubines, and though she doesn't think Erlang would dishonor her that way, she would still rather ask and know.

His eyes widen slightly, as though that thought had never crossed his mind. "I - no. I know there are those who prefer that, but... I've simply never thought of anyone." He tightens his hold on her hand as though in reassurance, as though to say she is still desired here by his side even if not exactly in all the ways a husband might desire of a wife. Liu Ran squeezes back. "It's why I was so against marrying you. I knew I would not make a good husband, and it'd have been unfair to both of us."

"You are a good husband," Liu Ran says, lifting their held hands and resting her cheek on it. "And I hope you have grown to be happy too, even if you weren't happy at first to be married."

"You are my only family now," he says, gentle. "I think we can put the misunderstandings of the past behind us."

***

Weeks pass and people find other things to gossip about than Liu Ran's perceived barrenness. Someone's husband has taken a concubine, someone else's husband has fallen too far into an addiction for wine or gambling. Someone has taken a scandalously young wife, and someone else's daughter has run away with a commoner.

The ebb and flow of court gossip never ceases.

Liu Ran ignores it all and happily spends all social gatherings by A-Yue's side, asking after her health and the progress of her pregnancy, sharing her own little hobbies and interests back. So, the initial unpleasant matter of the gossip surrounding her has all but slipped her mind when it rears its head again, at a stately lunch gathering for the ministers of Her Majesty's Court, held once every season at the Eastern Palace.

Liu Ran spent the entire meal by Erlang's side, but it is now later in the afternoon and the guests are all freely mingling. She leaves Erlang and goes off in search of her friends, searching the crowd till she finds Princess Yongchuan, Wu Siyue, and Li Xiao by the buffet of desserts. She joins them and spends a pleasant hour in chatter, not really paying mind to what Erlang is up to.

It is nearly dusk when she scans the crowd during a lull in the conversation for the tall silhouette of her husband. When she spots him, he is standing to the side, talking alone with the Minister of Carriages, Liu Bao, one of her distant uncles in the Liu noble family.

As Liu Ran watches, Erlang's expression grows more and more pinched, till he's left with a thunderous frown on his face while the older man pompously talks at him. She bites her lip, wondering whether she should go and intervene, but she is not sure her mediation would be appreciated. Before she can make up her mind though, Erlang says something curt and snappish, turning abruptly away from an offended-looking Liu Bao to march in her direction.

Liu Ran waits as he stalks towards her, apprehensive about what may have transpired between her husband and the older Liu family member. By now her friends have also noticed her preoccupation, and are also watching Erlang's furious approach with raised brows. When he reaches them, Erlang only gives stiff nods of acknowledgement in greeting to the other women before grabbing Liu Ran's arm and pulling her to his side.

Liu Ran startles but goes willingly, surprised when she finds herself held close to him, his arm winding around her back to rest at her waist. Erlang rarely initiates any sort of physical touch, and especially not in public. She isn't sure whether to be flustered or worried.

"Let's go home," he says, gazing down at her, something intense and unreadable on his face.

"I - yes, we can leave," Liu Ran says, blinking up at him. "Erlang, are you okay -?"

"I'm -," he finally seems to realize they have an audience and breaks off, head turning to look at the three other women standing with them. Liu Ran also looks, finds three pairs of shrewd eyes focused on her and her husband, all varying degrees of amused and assessing. "I'm fine. I'm just ready to leave."

"Alright," she says, tilting her head to study him. "Let's go home."

They make a quick round of farewells and get back to their carriage, Erlang seeming unsettled and angered by something the entire time.

The entire time, he does not let go of her hand.

When they are finally settled in and rocking in the carriage on their way home, Liu Ran turns in her seat and holds their intertwined hands in her lap.

"Erlang, will you tell me now what is bothering you?"

He has been glaring balefully out of the window, but at her words he finally turns to look at her. It is quiet apart from the sounds of the carriage for a few moments while he gathers his thoughts, eyes flickering across her face.

"Your family member, Liu Bao, came to apologize to me," he says finally, voice clipped. "For, in his words, 'the many ways in which your late uncle Liu Xiang has done great harm to the Baili family'. And in that list of harm done to us, he included you."

"Oh," Liu Ran says, something shriveling in her stomach. To be disparaged by strangers is one thing, but to be so casually discarded by her own family again and again...

"And then," Erlang never raises his voice in rage but the way it sounds now, tight and contained, Liu Ran can tell he wants to. "He went on to say I do not still have an heir because I'm married to someone 'cursed by the ancestors' in his words, like you. And that as the last living heir to the Baili name, it is my duty to set you aside and take another wife, one who can actually fulfill her role. He then had the gall to go on to suggest that I choose his own daughter for that, to 'maintain the close ties between the Baili and Liu families'."

Erlang stops there, quietly seething, and goes back to glaring out the window. Liu Ran stares at the floor of the carriage, robbed of her words.

She has met her distant cousin many times over the years. Liu Bao's daughter is younger than her, and already well-known in upper society for her accomplishments in the Four Arts and her remarkable beauty. She would usually be suggested as a suitable political match for princes and minor kings. It speaks a lot to how much Erlang's name and regard has grown in the Empress's eyes that Liu Bao is putting forth his own daughter to keep him tied to the Liu Family.

She knows what Erlang would've said, but still, she has to ask. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him no, of course," Erlang snaps impatiently, turning back to her with an offended huff. "Why would I marry some other woman when I already have you?" He sounds entirely done with it all. "Unless you wish to leave and remarry, I have no intention of divorcing you or getting another wife."

Liu Ran scoots closer to his side, resting her head on his shoulder. His tense posture relaxes a bit after a few moments, and she feels him lean his cheek on her head.

"I seem to remember you trying to divorce me quite a few times when we first married," she teases, playing with his fingers.

Another annoyed little huff. "We all make decisions we'd revise in hindsight," she hears him mutter over her head, and hides her smile in his sleeve.

***

Though clearly, being directly confronted with the prejudices about Liu Ran has stoked the matter in Erlang's mind instead of laying it to rest.

A couple of weeks later, Liu Ran is sitting in the garden pavilion of the Baili Mansion, organizing the household books after Uncle Baili ran through the accounts with her earlier that day. Erlang is in his study, working on a model for some new construction project he is overseeing for the Empress.

After years of marriage, Liu Ran no longer feels the desperate need to constantly hover around him, ingratiating herself into every aspect of his life to show him she can belong there. She knows she has a fixed place in his life now, that Erlang considers her his companion, a confidant. She finally feels secure enough in her place to step away and pursue work and interests on her own.

It is a lovely mid-summer evening and fireflies flit through the flowers, the moon full and heavy in the sky. The light of the moon is good enough to read in by itself, but she has a few lanterns lit around her so as not to strain her eyes.

Erlang finds her there while she is tallying up the house finances.

"Are we in trouble?" he asks, smiling slightly as he stands formal and stiff-backed at the entrance to the pavilion. Liu Ran looks up and smiles in welcome, gathering the books into neater piles in unspoken invitation for Erlang to sit across from her. He takes her up on it, looking over her work with an interested eye.

Since the very beginning of their marriage, Erlang has given her full run of the household, never interfering in her choices or decisions. She knows it comes from a place of indifference to the matter, but she also hopes part of it is because he trusts her to take good care of the household for him.

"We are doing better than ever, actually," she says, pointing proudly to the neatly-tallied lines she's written in the ledger. "You have been working hard, Erlang."

He makes a noncommittal sound, looking at her with his steady assessing gaze as she finishes up with her current book. Even after living with him and seeing him every day for years, being the focus of that intense scrutiny is discomfiting.

"Erlang, what is it?" she asks finally, setting the books aside and turning to him.

"I wish to ask," he starts, sounding slightly hesitant before clearing his throat and decisively continuing. "Qiniang, when you married me, what sort of married life did you hope for?"

"I -," she says, taken aback, flustered. She can feel a blush rise to her cheeks. "Erlang, why are you asking? My girlish dreams then, they were all so - isn't it a little embarrassing?"

"We've been married for five years," he points out. "Shouldn't I know this about you? Be frank with me."

"Well," she looks down at her lap, twisting her hands. "I wanted - well, I hoped for what any woman would want in a marriage. To be respected and loved... and to be desired by my husband. I hoped to wake to you every day and fall asleep to you by my side every night. I wanted us to share little comforts and intimacies. I hoped we would have children together. Isn't all of that just - well, isn't it what anyone would want with the one they care about the most?"

"Not everyone wants all those things, even when they do deeply care for someone," he says, gesturing at himself, then at her.

The casual affirmation that she is wanted here, that her presence is desired even if it is not that type of desire, it is enough to loosen some of the anxious embarrassment she feels at this conversation. She straightens her drooping shoulders. (The luxury of showing uncertainty for her presence is it's own kind of testament to how much they've grown up, from the obstinate way she'd constantly clung to him and tried to assert her right to be part of his life in the early days.)

"I've just been thinking it over, after that conversation with Liu Bao the other day," he continues after a moment, musing out loud. "Do you know before we married, one of my father's wishes that he prayed to our ancestors about was that I would continue our family line with this marriage? It is a commonplace thing people say when a young man is getting married, so I never really thought about it again. But even so. It was one of my father's hopes for me, and lately I've been thinking..."

"Erlang, what are you saying?" Liu Ran asks, half-embarrassed, half hopefully-delighted.

Erlang meets her gaze, steady. "You want children. The malicious way people talk about you would stop if we lived more like a regular married couple. And I am the last living member of the main Baili family line and should probably have heirs," he reaches out slowly, takes one of her hands between both of his. Her hand is completely dwarfed in his hold and Liu Ran feels seen and held. "I've never wanted any of those things and still wouldn't really choose it if just my name and reputation were on the line. But, for you, if it's with you - the idea of touch and intimacy isn't as disagreeable as it is with others. I don't think I'm opposed."

"Oh," is all she can manage, mind whirling.

"And how about you? Are you opposed?"

"No," she rushes to say before he goes back on his offer, grabbing on to it greedily with both hands. "Nothing would make me happier."

***

She is not prepared for it when he visits her in her rooms the very next night.

In the years since their marriage, Liu Ran can recollect less than a dozen times Erlang has set foot in her rooms. Even when they were traveling, they usually had separate rooms, and when he visited her it was always in the daylight hours. He would knock on the door and then wait respectfully by the threshold for her to finish getting ready to leave with him for the day.

Tonight is decidedly not like that. She has already taken Yunzhi's help to get undressed into her sleep clothes and comb out her untied hair, and then dismissed her for the night. She is sitting alone at her vanity now, applying the many tinctures and creams she buys from the cosmetic store to maintain the white skin and glowing complexion prized by the nobility.

She is just finishing up, smelling pleasantly of flower oils and fruit extracts, when there's a knock on her door.

"Come in," Liu Ran says absently, thinking it must be Yunzhi coming back for something, and then startles when she sees Erlang step into the room.

He's still fully dressed for the day. She feels more vulnerable and self-conscious, sitting in her sleeping clothes like this while he looks like that.

"Erlang?" she asks, a nervous knot beginning to form in her stomach. She knows the discussion they had yesterday and she is very enthusiastically on-board for all it entails, but surely he isn't already expecting...?

His eyes flicker to the way her hands are nervously twisting in her lap and he blinks rapidly. "Ah, Qiniang, I'm not here for -," he halts the spilled out words, clears his throat, then continues in a more collected voice. "I just want to talk to you about something. Be at ease."

Liu Ran lets out her held breath, unsure if she's relieved or disappointed.

"It is about the matter we discussed yesterday," he says, standing formally near the threshold as always, the entire room's length between them. "But I just wish to discuss some things."

Liu Ran closes the last of her cosmetics and sets them aside, getting up to walk closer to him. He meets her halfway into the rooms then.

"Why don't I prepare some tea, and we can sit and speak comfortably?" she says with a smile, and he nods. When they are settled at her low table, a pot of steaming maojian tea poured into cups, Erlang begins speaking again.

"I went to visit Gao Bingzhu for advice on our decision to try for children," he says, and Liu Ran nearly chokes while taking a sip.

"You - you what?" she coughs, cheeks flaming. "Erlang!"

He looks mildly miffed. "Well, who else was I supposed to talk it over with? I know nothing about the matter. And it's not like I have any other close friends whose word I would trust. And he clearly knows what he's doing since Madam Wu is seven months pregnant when they've only been married for a little under nine months -"

"Erlang!"

He stares at her, mulish. She stares back at him, mortified, scandalized... before the hilarity of the entire situation wins over and she bursts into giggles.

Erlang weathers her giggle fit patiently, sipping his tea, waiting for her to regain her composure with an air of put-upon tolerance.

"Okay, I think I can hear what you have to say now," she says finally, controlling her laughter.

"Gao Bingzhu also laughed himself silly when I first told him what I was there to talk about," Erlang says, mouth pursed in a small pout of annoyance, and Liu Ran has to fight not to break into another bout of giggles. "But after he got himself in hand, he did say a few useful things about how we could get comfortable with each other first. So it wasn't entirely a wasted effort."

"And what were those things?" she asks, the whole thing so comical now she doesn't even feel flustered or nervous anymore.

"Qiniang," Erlang says. "What do you think about finally moving into the master suite together?"

***

Gao Bingzhu's suggestion had been for them to first simply get used to the familiarity of sharing a bed before embarking on anything more out of their well-established comfort zone. Liu Ran agrees it makes sense.

The master suite of the Baili Mansion has stood empty since her father-in-law's death. Both Erlang and Liu Ran kept their own smaller rooms in the beginning, the idea of moving into the master suite so soon after Baili Yan's sudden death feeling too distasteful. And then, when they returned to the Baili Mansion after their travels, they simply settled back into their old routines.

But now after so many years, it is time for the Baili household to reclaim normality again for its head and his wife.

Erlang leaves it entirely up to her, as always uninterested in helping with things that concern the day-to-day matters of the household. Liu Ran is happy to take charge.

She first spends a day putting together a box of old books or trinkets of Baili Yan's, things hat Erlang might like to pore over before they are put away in storage. And after that, she gathers together the servants to get down to the real work.

There are ceremonies to be done to restore the auspiciousness of the room after the tragedies that have occurred there. She conscripts priests from a local temple she frequents, and joins them in prayers and lighting incense.

Baili Yan had lost his wife young, and the room still reflected the austere nature of a single busy father. So Liu Ran takes it upon herself to remake it into a place that feels fresh and welcoming. The mattress and sheets are changed, the curtains renewed for brighter-colored fabrics. The throw pillows that feel lumpy and old are replaced with new ones, soft as clouds. She spends a fun day at the market with Yunzhi, ordering stack upon stack of colorful silk and cotton, all to be delivered to the Baili Mansion.

She tries to keep Erlang's interests in mind while remodeling the room too, putting bookshelves and a small desk in a corner with good light, for Erlang to bring his work late at night if he wished. A few art pieces Erlang enjoys are re-appropriated from other rooms for their bedchamber. A vase is placed on a corner table to hold fresh peonies everyday, flowers whose fragrance he'd once remarked liking.

And so, a scant few weeks later, the empty master suite becomes a home.

The first few days, Erlang keeps forgetting to join her, too used to his own rooms, habit carrying him there when he seeks rest at the end of the day. Liu Ran takes to staying after dinner till he is ready to retire, then walking back with him to their rooms.

Eventually, new habits are forged. Yunzhi no longer comes in the night to help her prepare for bed. Liu Ran undresses herself and sits at the vanity with her cosmetics, to the background sound of rustling fabric and splashing water as Erlang readies for bed behind the privacy screens. And after, they slip under the sheets together, Erlang a warm and solid weight beside her.

Sometimes, she will curl up close to his side, resting her head on his chest as they drift off to sleep. He always lets her.

One night, she is struggling to get her hair undone from its tight bun when Erlang comes up behind her in his sleep robes. He watches for a few moments as her fingers work at the pins, then asks tentatively, "I can help if you like."

And so that becomes a part of their little domestic routine too, Liu Ran sat at her vanity every night while her husband gently combs out her hair.

And she thinks, if this is as far as they ever get, it'll still be more than enough.

***

Gao Bingzhu and Wu Siyue's daughter comes healthy and hale a little over a week before Qixi. Liu Ran and Erlang visit their friends a day after the birth, to welcome the little one into the world and congratulate her parents.

Erlang is infinitely gentle and clearly perplexed when it his turn to hold the newborn. "She is very small," he observes, watching the baby fuss in her blankets with a keen eye.

"It is the way of babies," Gao Bingzhu replies drily, gaze softening as it focuses back on his daughter. "And the joy lies in watching them grow up, to be strong and independent and brilliant, and all the ways they'll surprise you every day. All this you will know too, once you have your own."

"Hm," is all Erlang says, carefully passing over the infant for Liu Ran to hold and stepping back.

He is quiet on the carriage ride back, letting Liu Ran chatter excitedly about how beautiful the baby is and how happy her parents look. He is quiet when they sit down for dinner, answering only absent-mindedly whenever she asks him anything. He is still quiet as they prepare for bed, the silence contemplative rather than oppressive while he combs out Liu Ran's hair.

They are in bed, Liu Ran curled into his side and about to drop off to sleep, when Erlang finally speaks up.

"Qiniang, what do you think about starting to try for children tonight?"

Liu Ran jolts to full wakefulness like he'd just screamed in her ear. "I - you - what?" She sits bolt upright, staring down at him with wide eyes.

"That was badly done, wasn't it?" he says, sounding slightly contrite, also sitting up so they are face to face. "I should have been a bit more delicate about saying that."

"No that isn't - I'm not -," her pulse is beating at her throat. "I just want to know what brought it on so suddenly - why tonight?"

"Just thinking about what Gao Bingzhu said today," he says, gazing into the distance. "About how the joy of it all lies in seeing someone grow to be their own person, full of potential." He focuses back on her, smiling that little soft smile he only ever gives her. He takes her hand in his, the touch soft and tentative. "And it made me think of how much I really would like that experience for the both of us."

"I see," she breathes, nervous excitement unfurling in her stomach. "Right. I - I would like that for us too. And, tonight," she takes a deep breath, gripping his hand to gain confidence from the steadiness of the hold. "Tonight is fine, if - if you wish for that too."

"Alright," he says, soft, and then he reaches for her.

He guides her back into the bed and follows after, till the length of him is half-resting on top of her. It is awkward and strange and exciting, the feel of his weight pressing her down, the heat of his limbs and the breadth of his shoulders. It is a new riff added to the easy harmony with which they have co-existed this far together, and the newness of it is nerve-wracking.

She knows a little bit about what is to follow, has read mature romance books furtively right after she was officially engaged to him, imagining her and Erlang in the place of the characters in the books. And now that they might actually be doing those things... her heart is a drumbeat within her ribs and she feels like she will shake apart.

"Qiniang, you're trembling," Erlang says, a concerned frown etched on his brow. He starts to pull back.

"No, stay," Liu Ran says, a little shrill, reaching to yank him down closer. She doesn't know why she is suddenly so scared, blood rushing in her ears, heartbeat haywire. She knows Erlang will not hurt or humiliate her. She knows he will do his best to not cause her undue pain.

It's just -

The way he looks at her is assessing, like a new puzzle to be solved, and what she wants most in this moment is closeness.

"Can you kiss me?" she asks, beseeches really, arms rising to wrap around his neck, to pull him that much tighter to her. "I think I really need you to kiss me."

He seems slightly flustered by the request, but after a few moments, he nods and seeks out her mouth with his own.

And this is already beyond anything they've done thus far in their marriage.

His lips are soft and slightly chapped against her own as he presses her down into the sheets. When she parts her lips to really taste him, he jerks away for a moment, but then eases back into the movements with a small frown, steady and inquisitive. His mouth tastes like the tea they shared after dinner, and his skin smells like the clove oil soap he uses to wash up before bed. It is all underlined by something clean and masculine that is entirely him, like parchments and dry pine and candlewax. The taste and scent memories are familiar even if this act and touch aren't, and that helps to ground her a little.

When they part, his lips are pink and slightly wet, his eyes dark and intent when he looks at her, and wet heat curls at Liu Ran's core. She shivers and his eyes track the response, bright and curious.

"I think," she whispers, slightly hoarse. "That I am ready for more."

"Okay," he says.

They don't fully undress, both a bit too embarrassed and awkward for that. But they don't need to be fully bared to one another for this. After they've taken off enough layers to go on to the next act, she pulls him till he's hovering over her again. She feels jittery everywhere.

"Erlang," she checks in a whisper, just in case. "You know what to do, don't you?" She doesn't know how minimal his knowledge on such matters might be, considering he's never been interested in it.

"I read a few books when I came of age, out of curiosity," he replies, just as quiet. "I know the basic mechanics of it."

"Okay," she says, reaching up to kiss him again. Without her permission, the next nervous words slip out anyway. "Please be gentle."

"I will," he replies, the promise whispered into her mouth.

He is gentle, hesitant in his touches, patient in his movements. Still, it hurts quite a bit when he pushes into her, both of them unsure and fumbling, with no real idea on how to proceed and all the worse for it. Liu Ran bites her lower lip hard to keep any sounds of pain from escaping, tears springing to her eyes that she tries to hide. Erlang catches on anyway.

"I'm hurting you," he says, slightly panicked, trying to pull away again. "Sorry, I'm -"

"Don't," she scrambles to press her hands to the small of his back, encouraging him forward. Something tells her if they stopped now, they'll never revisit this. That Erlang would retreat from this as a mistake and a failed attempt, and might never try to initiate something like this again. And Liu Ran doesn't want to let that happen. "I will adjust to it. Keep going."

The pain does lessen a bit when he is fully sheathed in her, her body accommodating to the intrusion. Liu Ran blinks open her eyes to look at him, to tell him as much, offer him that reassurance.

There's a bead of sweat forming at Erlang's brow, and his arms quake slightly with the effort of how carefully he's holding his weight off her. She feels fondness bubble in her, slightly overshadowing the pain.

"Erlang," she says, pressing gentle fingertips to his cheek. "I think you can move now."

With a soft groan, he does as she says. As he moves, the pain eventually recedes till it is only a dull throb. But the jolts of pleasure that his movements elicit within her are erratic and sudden, more unsettling than pleasing. She grips onto his shoulders with white fingertips, trying to simply hold on and ride it out.

When he finally finishes, with a foreign rush of wetness inside her, Liu Ran doesn't quite know how to feel about the entire experience.

Erlang is staring down at her when she opens her squeezed-shut eyes, something regretful about the set of his jaw. "Qiniang, I -" he starts and cuts himself off. He tussles for words for a few moments, but then all he says is, "I'll get something to clean you up."

He pulls away and Liu Ran lets slip a small gasp. He freezes, looking very unsure, like he doesn't quite know what to do with himself now.

She doesn't like it.

The Erlang she knows and loves is always decisive, always firm in following through with whatever choice he makes. She doesn't want to be the cause of his tumult.

"No," she says, pulling at his sleeve till he slowly lowers himself to lay back down beside her. She curls into his side, like always. The familiarity of it lays to rest a little of the charged strangeness of the moment. "Just stay here and hold me."

He is hesitant when he wraps his arm around her back, hand resting stiffly at her hip. She doesn't know how trying to reach a greater level of intimacy has led them to losing the comfort they had already established between them.

And she doesn't like it.

She moves till she is wrapped closer to him, one leg tangled with his, her face buried in the crook of his neck. Her arms form a cage around his waist, holding him. He goes statue-still, but then, slowly, slowly, his fingers move to run over her hair, the rise and fall of his chest a soothing rhythm.

Entwined like that, they slip into sleep.

***

She feels some soreness the next couple of days, but it is hardly anything to impede her daily duties around the house. Liu Ran thinks, while the whole experience was not particularly enjoyable, it was not unbearable either. She would happily do that again for the chance of starting a family with her husband.

Though Erlang definitely does not seem inclined at the moment.

When she asks him if he'd like to try again about two days after their first awkward attempt, once the lingering soreness has all but vanished, Erlang gives a swift and panicked "No!" in response, looking like he's about to bolt out of the bedroom, sleep clothes and all. She huffs in exasperation at her coltish husband, and just drags him to bed to sleep.

She knows he is more spooked by the potential hurt he caused her than by anything he experienced. So she leaves him to work through it for now, she will try to talk to him again when he is ready to hear her.

She throws her energies into the preparations for Qixi instead. There is much to be done between coordinating decorations and overseeing the cooks after all.

On the morning of Qixi, Liu Ran heads to the sweet shop of one of the most talented pastry chefs in Luoyang. She'd ordered a special box of jiandui to be freshly prepared for Qixi, as her gift to Erlang. He always looked so pleased to have it as dessert after a meal while they were staying in Chang'an during their travels. She wants to see that smile on his face again tonight.

She is browsing the various delicacies in the sweet shop while waiting for her box when a familiar sly lilting voice pipes up behind her.

"Qiniang! Here to buy sweets for Qixi for your husband?" asks Lu Xiao. She is from a minor noble family whose beauty caught the eye of many, allowing her to marry up in the ranks to now be in the Western Palace. She has always been at the forefront of those who spread unsavory gossip for amusement. Liu Ran straightens her shoulders.

"Yes, hello," she greets politely with a smile. "Erlang developed a great liking for jiandui while we were traveling. I asked the owner to specially prepare a box today for his gift."

"Ah, Qiniang, you are such a dutiful wife," Lu Xiao simpers, a twinkle in her eye that raises all of Liu Ran's red flags. "Too bad your husband seems to be straying like so many men do after a few years of marriage."

Qiniang blinks. "What do you mean by that?" she asks, guarded.

"Why, just now, I was taking a stroll through the North Market streets, taking in the decorations for Qixi, you know, admiring the stalls. And imagine my surprise at who I saw walking into the new Pleasure House there!" There's an anticipatory wicked gleam in Lu Xiao's eyes that tell Qiniang exactly where this is going.

So she deftly sidesteps the entire thing. She does not have the patience for these games.

"Oh did you see Erlang?" Qiniang lies with an airy casualness, and it is satisfying to see the way Lu Xiao's smug amusement stutters. "He said he was going to the Pleasure House sometime this week to investigate something for Her Majesty. So easy to gather information at a place like that you see, corrupt men always have loose tongues in brothels, or so Erlang tells me."

Qiniang smiles sweetly, without a care in the world. Lu Xiao's face is sour as curdled milk. "You must really trust your husband to take him on his word about something like that."

"Oh, of course," Liu Ran says, and on this, she definitely isn't lying. "Erlang and I trust each other completely. We have no doubts about one another's integrity."

With perfect timing, the owner of the shop arrives then with Liu Ran's ordered box, and so she is able to happily duck out of that unpleasant encounter and go home.

Liu Ran meant every word of what she said at the end - she does trust Erlang, without reservation. But she is also very curious to know why he actually went to the Pleasure House by himself. Especially with how unpleasant he's always found being in brothels during all the previous times they had to visit one for an investigation.

She doesn't bring it up though till they've finished Qixi dinner and are relaxing in the garden, under the soft golden light of fading lanterns, sharing the box of jiandui. The flavor of the pastry fills her mouth, the sweetness balanced perfectly by the chewy nuttiness, and Liu Ran leans back on her hands, relaxed and happy.

"Erlang," Liu Ran asks, looking over to see him equally at peace beside her. She almost doesn't want to break the joy of the moment, but her curiosity drives her to. "I heard you visited the Pleasure House today for something. Do you have a new investigation you are conducting for the Empress?"

Erlang swallows the jiandui he's chewing on, patting at his mouth delicately with a napkin before speaking. "You know about that? How?"

"Erlang," Liu Ran says, a touch patronizingly. "You are a very handsome young master who is currently in high favor with the Empress. Everything you do gets noticed."

Erlang blinks. "Right." A beat of silence and something occurs to him, his expression turning a bit apologetic. "I just realized how this will not help matters for you. Sorry, Qiniang."

"Nothing to worry about," she says, waving it off airily. "Good thing I heard about it when I did. If anyone asks now, you were discreetly investigating something for Her Majesty there today. You're welcome."

His mouth quirks in a small smile. "Clever."

"Of course, I'm more than just beauty, you know," she says, to see him smile a little more. It's nice, this life they have, the comfortable camaraderie they've built together over the years. She was still too desperate to impress him when they first married to joke with him like this. "But really, what were you doing there? I'm very curious now."

She has the unique and rare delight then of seeing a subtle flush travel up Erlang's neck, coloring his ears a bright pink.

"Ehm," Erlang clears his throat. "I went there for research."

"Research?"

"The other night. When we -," he cuts off, clears his throat again. "It was unpleasant for you because I did not know what to do. So I thought, why not go speak to someone who will know all about what brings a woman pleasure, so I can do better the next time?"

"Erlang," Liu Ran exclaims, her cheeks flaming now too. This was not where she'd expected this conversation to go.

"I tried books first," he says, almost defensively. "Went to the South Market the day after we - I bought all of the most popular spring books to read." He pulls a face there, a look of vague distaste. "Most are clearly only intended for titillation though. Nothing of actual use as materials for study."

"Erlang, you - really -!"

"Today's conversations were certainly much more enlightening," he says, a thoughtful look on his face now. "Once I convinced the courtesan I am definitely not interested in a practical demonstration, that is."

Liu Ran can't help it anymore. She bursts out into incredulous laughter. A moment later, Erlang's quiet chuckles join her.

There's never a dull day to be had in this life with him.

***

They put whatever he learned to use that very night. There is definitely a great deal of improvement.

Later, satisfied and pleasantly exhausted as she curls up with her husband, Liu Ran thinks that with a bit more time and practice, this may turn out to be wonderful yet.

And it does. Over the weeks that follow, they find a new facet to the understanding and comfort that already exists between them, a new way to communicate the affection they feel for each other.

Liu Ran also grows more bold about guiding Erlang to what feels nice for her, learning to be a bit less reserved in seeking pleasure from his touch. She learns also to let go of the urge that tells her she must work to put her husband's pleasure first since Erlang himself does not want that type of reciprocation. In turn, Erlang grows less skittish about accidentally hurting her, trusting in her to stop him if he does something that is unpleasant for her. He is more sure too about asking when there is something she can do that makes the experience better for him, not afraid to move a bit out of his comfort zone to discover new things about himself in this way.

It is very good.

It is so very good that, by the time she discovers she is with child a few days after the Mid-Autumn Festival, they don't stop.

One day, they are lounging together in the bed, using the late-autumn thunderstorm outside as an excuse to indulge in a bit of indolent laying in for the morning. Her pregnancy sickness has finally abated these past couple of days, and she feels well-deserved this day of rest. That Erlang agrees and joins her for it is a pleasant but welcome surprise.

He is sitting propped up on the pillows beside her, reading a publication on recent advancements in alchemy. He has retained some level of interest in the field since the events with the Four Season Clan.

Relaxed and content, she asks something that has been niggling at her for a while now. "Erlang, why are you always so happy to give me pleasure, when you don't gain much of it yourself in return?"

Erlang finishes the page he's reading, placing a finger to mark his spot, before finally turning to give her his attention. He studies her for a moment, and then reaches to run a finger along her cheek. His expression does not change at all, but Liu Ran still feels it, the softness in him.

"Does showing how much you care for someone always have to be a mutual transaction?" is all he says, and Liu Ran understands him perfectly.

***

The next five years of their marriage pass vastly differently from the first five.

Where before, time together was endless and spending time to understand each other was a careful slow dance they did not need to hurry with, now they are kept so busy between their duties and raising their children that they need to take special care to set aside a few hours every week just to spend time with each other.

Their first son is born in time to celebrate the sixth anniversary of their marriage, and they are blessed with another son in winter of the year after that. Their youngest, a daughter, is born a couple years later, a bright summer child with a ready smile on her face for everyone by her hundred days celebration.

The Baili Mansion, built to hold a full noble family and having grown too quiet over the years, is filled with noise and laughter again, after nearly two decades.

Looking at her husband patiently correcting their sons' calligraphy as they learn to write, their daughter playing with the tassles of his belt where she sits in his lap speaking toddler gibberish to herself, Liu Ran is struck again by how unbelievably idyllic her life now is.

"You know Erlang," she says, resting her chin on her hand as she watches her husband and her children in this sweet moment of domesticity, heart warm. "I should probably thank Lu Xiao and her group of friends one of these days."

"Lu Xiao and her friends?" Erlang asks, incredulous at the mention of those obnoxious gossip-mongers. "I doubt they have ever done anything to deserve someone's gratitude."

She loves it when he gets all judgmental and disdainful like this. Grinning, she says, "Well, if it wasn't for them saying those terrible things about me in the beginning, we probably wouldn't have started any of - you know." She looks meaningfully at their children, clustered around her husband and each occupied in their own amusements.

It takes Erlang a moment to catch on to what she means, but when he does, he snorts, loud and derisive. It is a rare indelicate gesture from him.

Liu Ran smiles wider when their daughter turns in his lap to stare up at him, looking quietly baffled. She looks so much like him, seeing his expressions flit across her tiny face will never not be the cutest thing.

"Don't give them too much credit," Erlang is saying, grumbling. "We'd have sorted ourselves out to get here eventually."

"You're awfully confident about that, considering everything," she teases, alluding to their rocky start, and he simply purses his mouth to give her an unimpressed look. He goes to gently guiding and correcting their sons' penmanship.

It's quiet for a little while aside from the scratch of pen on paper, Liu Ran back to dotingly watching the lovely happy tableau of her family before her.

"Though perhaps you should thank them," Erlang says suddenly, breaking the silence. The mischievous little smile adorning his face when he meets her gaze is positively devilish. "I bet nothing will rankle at that lot as much as knowing they indirectly contributed to our happiness."

Liu Ran's bright laughter in response fills the entire room.