Chapter Text
The 150 foot wall that crowded my family in the Shiganshina District had always made my brother and I feel as if we were cattle. Trapped and stuck in the never ending cycle of knowing the unknown. Eren’s obsession with The Scouts was definitely a Yeager mindset. We always had watched them come back from their Expeditions and yet we never really paid attention to the death and destruction. When Eren had told me he would join them as soon as he was old enough, I knew I’d be right with him. Little did we know how quickly that day would come.
Our mom had been hanging clothes out to dry early in the morning right when the sun crested over the wall. Eventually she woke me up to help get my brother and Mikasa get ready to grab wood for later. Dad was going out of town just for a short trip helping a family not too far. Being a doctor was a challenging job and often took him away for longer periods of time.
I grabbed the empty basket and asked if I could follow Eren and Mikasa. My mother shook her head and reminded me that I had chores at home. I whined at the thought; dad giving a soft chuckle. The Yeagers were never known to want to sit at home and do simple chores. Mom had always jokingly blamed it on our father’s genes. I don’t think she was always joking, but that was neither here nor there.
Later on that morning I sat across from dad, a small bowl of whatever mom had cooked hot and ready on our simple wooden table. Not much longer and Eren had run home and scarfed down his food. Mikasa followed right behind him but was slower in her eating, picking at her food. She was quiet but yet her eyes flickered over at mom every few seconds. Finally she spoke up, mentioning Eren and his desire to join the Scouts. Eren’s yelling and our mom begging our dad to convince my brother to reconsider filled the room. Mom shook Eren’s shoulders; nearly desperate as she explained it was far too dangerous.
Dad pinched the edge of his nose,
“Eren. If you want to do that, there is no stopping you. Sometimes I think your mother forgets who she married and had two children with.”
My mouth dropped at dad's confession. The words that left his mouth caused mom to hit him straight behind his head with a rolled up towel. He hissed, glasses falling off his nose as he rubbed the throbbing spot. At that point, I had guessed mom no longer wanted to think about it or realized she was trying to fight an uphill battle. Her shoulders seemed tense for the rest of the day and it was no secret to what caused it.
Dad pulled us aside,
“When I come back; we can all have some time downstairs. How does that sound? I’d like to show you all the basement.”
Our eyes lit up like kids in a candy store, nodding our heads. It was somewhere we were never allowed to touch, let alone got to see. Dad gave a kiss to each of our foreheads and wrapped the key around my neck. I gave dad such a big smile that he let out a deep chuckle,
“You take care of Eren and Mikasa, I’m trusting you to be the bigger sister.”
To this day I don’t think I had ever rolled my eyes as much,
“Dad, I watch them all the time. You are gone a lot. I know why, but trust me. I'll take care of them.”
Our dad’s eyes wavered, clearly upset at the thought of not being home as much as he’d like. At 11, I had taken care of Eren and Mikasa since I was able to help around the house with mom. With a defeated sigh; Dad spoke again,
“Of course. I have to get going now okay? I'll see you all soon.”
He finished packing right after eating so it only took a second to grab his bag, give a kiss to mom, wave to us, and off he went. It still trips my head to this day. That was the last time I ever saw my father. That key around my neck felt heavier and heavier with each day after that.
In the scheme of things, I never really understood what it was like to not have your parents. Mikasa knew the sad reality well and I know she prayed she wouldn’t ever have to live it again. I like to believe I am lucky that later that day I still had my brother, Mikasa, and Armin. After dad left, Armin had knocked on the door asking if we all could come run around outside. With big kisses left on our cheeks from mom, we darted out the door. I looked back at the house before rounding the corner. For a second I stopped and admired it, a gut feeling grasping at me to look again. I felt a tug at my arm as I stood still,
“Diana! Cmon, lets gooooo.”
“Alright, alright! I’m comin.”
Armin led us down to the water staring over the soft waves. We sat on stairs that came down to the edge of the pavement, just where you could stick your hand in without taking a plunge. Mikasa and I listened quietly to Armin and Eren going on and on. The sound of their voices blending into the sound of the water sloshing. The sun nearly blinded me if not for the straw hat sitting on my chocolate brown hair. Suddenly a gust of wind yanked my hat off my head. I turned just in time to reach out and snatch it back, holding it until the wind decided to calm down. These silent moments drove me insane. I shifted a little from my spot,
“Mikasa”
Her head flinched as she looked over with wide doe eyes,
“Yes Diana?”
A soft laugh rumbled out of my chest,
“At this point I should get you a small painting of him to wrap in your scarf.”
Her face turned almost as pink as Mom’s Azalea bushes every spring,
“A-ah that's not necessary.”
Her hand slipped up to the black scarf that always sat on her neck. She grabs gently at the worn material, making it look as if she was drowning in fabric.
“Well, one thing is for sure. Eren gave you that scarf for a reason. Hopefully he didn't let his rabies rub off on it!”
A small giggle slips, drawing the attention of Armin and Eren,
“What’s so funny?!”
Eren’s face was set with a scowl and his arms crossed over his chest. I let out a laugh at him,
“Eren, it’s nothing. Just go back to your book. This is girl talk only.”
My brother rolls his eyes before giving Mikasa a glance. I thought I saw his cheeks turn a soft pink; maybe you could blame it on the sunset. Armin catches his attention again by grabbing onto his sleeve, and Eren and Armin are off in their own world again.
Mikasa and I talk softly, not saying much at all but the conversation is relaxing. I asked about how she felt with Eren joining the military. I didn’t really need her to respond as her face paled with her mouth shut in a hard line. Mikasa gave a small pause as she thought over how she wanted to word her anxiety. I saw her lips move but realized I couldn’t hear her.
The sound was deafening as the ground shook with a wall of yellow lightning. From what I could see the lightning came from out of thin air. The memory of my father earlier today came racing through my head,
“You take care of Eren and Mikasa…..”
My feet moved before I even felt it. I yanked Mikasa along as I yelled to Eren,
“Cmon! Let’s go! Now!”
Eren’s face was frozen in pure shock as he stood with his arms out and knees bent. I’d seen the awkward stance before. I assure you it hasn’t won Eren any fist fights, if anything it’s the reason he lost them. Whatever this was, it wasn’t a fist fight, and we sure as hell weren’t gonna win.
“Eren, lets g-”
“Sis…..”
Eren’s finger was shaking as it pointed behind me.
Overlooking the wall was a monstrous titan. The wall was over 150 feet…..there wasn’t anyway that it could be that big. An awful roar made us nearly double over as slamming rock shot out around us. That was enough to get Eren to wrestle Armin to his feet. Armin broke from his shock and yelled to Eren across the sounds of screams about his grandfather. I didn’t even remember seeing Armin running off as I yanked Mikasa along. I yelled out,
“Eren! We gotta find mom!”
Eren nodded, forcing his feet to move faster. The sounds and colors of that day gave me nightmares for years. If I think hard enough I can still hear the screaming and pleading of others. I can see the streets as they run red and brown with the mixed blood and dirt of others. A younger woman sat at the base of a boulder, grabbing onto the two arms sticking out from underneath. I turned away from the horrid sight as I felt my lunch coming up in my stomach.
The sounds of the ground rumbling with titans and the painful sound of the inner wall breaking kept my adrenaline high. We came to the simple courtyard before our house, not allowing ourselves to stop. The flowers and small benches for others were crushed from boulders of all sizes. The small farmers market had bodies littered around. The soft fruits and vegetables scattered throughout and over the people that lay dead. A beautiful place that I grew up running around had been destroyed in a matter of minutes.
My brother shouted as we rounded the corner. Our mom laid underneath the roof of our house, belligerently yelling out for us to run. None of us soared to listen to her pleas as we grabbed onto any edge to lift it from her. It was all a blur as my mother saw Hannes running full speed towards us. He reassured my mother he’d bring us all home safety, what a great lie that was.
Hannes' face went pale with the sight of the smiling titan rushing towards us. In a split second my mother looked from him to me,
“Go Diana, now! Please, my legs are crushed! Take Eren and Mikasa!”
My mouth jutted up and down as tears streamed down my face. I should have never known this feeling at 11, but I did. Pure and utter defeat. I yanked Mikasa away from the roof as Hannes pulled Eren over his shoulder. Eren’s hands slamming on his back as he fought against his hold, sobs nearly deafening the ‘boom-boom-boom’ of the titan's feet.
My mothers eyes were frightened but determined as she yelled thank you’s out to Hannes, me, maybe the gods…who knows. Her tears fell as a hand came over her mouth as if we all could hear her crying. I couldn’t. Just as we started to reach the end of the street the Titan looked over my house. The giant band grasped around my mother and yanked her from out under the roof. Eren had watched, but I couldn’t. My eyes closed as I turned my head with Mikasa on my back. Eren let out a painful cry and I knew what had happened.
To this day I still ask myself if I could have done things differently. Could I have saved mom? If I had returned home when I looked back would I be dead? Eaten? Would I have been able to protect Eren and Mikasa if I was still at home?
It eats me up from inside out to think about all those what if’s. Since then I’ve learned lesson after lesson on how to handle such incidents, yet with Eren, I don’t think I’ll ever handle it right. He keeps moving forward and I will always protect him. From every moment since then I continue to push away those who put him in harm's way. But recently, after all these years, I ask myself,
“Can I even protect Eren from himself?”