Chapter Text
I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my old life
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?
-The Gaslight Anthem, Great Expectations
"I don't know where to start with him." Kougami lit another cigarette and watched Masaoka pull gin from the cabinet.
"You think I do? He hasn't said a word to me in ten years. At least, not one that wasn't an order." Masaoka poured two glasses, long double shots, and handed one to Kougami.
Kougami shook his head no. "Not on the job. Sorry, old man."
"More for me, then. Sorry, Inspector. How come you're not asking Nobu- sorry- Inspector Ginoza about these things?"
"You can drop the formality." Kougami took a long draw of his cigarette. "I just, he's not himself anymore."
"How so?"
"I mean, he was always serious. He's fanatically driven, always known he's wanted this job, since way before I met him. But he's worse now that he has it. I-I haven't even had a decent conversation with him in days. Weeks, maybe." Kougami scoffed, leaned forward and hung his head. He knew he should have known this would happen the second he saw Ginoza in the lecture hall. He was too focused to thrive in such a chaotic environment.
"You two haven't been here long." Masaoka downed the glass he had poured for Kougami. "Maybe he's adjusting, or the job didn't solve what he wanted it to solve. Or maybe he doesn't like much being here in Division one with me."
"I just want to make things right."
"You sure it's something you can make right? You ever consider that he's gotten what he wanted? Maybe this is just how he's trying to keep it."
"I guess you really don't know him." Kougami stubbed out his cigarette. "He's not happy. It's affecting his Hue. Not that he wants me to know, but I've bothered to check more than a couple times." He lit another cigarette, scuffed his shoes against the ground. "He barely eats, doesn't sleep, all he is anymore is this job."
"It'll do that to you. Back when I first joined, an Inspector in Division three had to be put down. Poor bastard Tougane hasn't come back from having to pull the trigger on her. But that's why we have Enforcers, I guess. So you guys don't get like that. Not if we do our jobs right."
Kougami nodded. "I joined up here to protect him. Same as you. Don't act like you think I didn't see your request to move to Division one."
Masaoka nodded his assent. "Are we failing that badly?"
"Hopefully not. I just, I mean, did he get like this when he was a kid? How do you force a grown man to take care of himself?"
"No. No he was a happy kid. Bright as anything, too. Maybe it's just the father in me talking. Maybe there were things I didn't see." He drank his second glass of gin, refilled it. "All we can do is make sure he doesn't go down in flames."
Kougami stood, put out his cigarette. "He'll be on duty soon, wondering where I am."
"Go on ahead. I'm off tonight." Masaoka sat back, savoring his drink. He propped his feet on the coffee table, watched Kougami stand to leave.
"I'll see you, old man." Kougami left the small, standard issue Enforcer's flat, let out a heavy, long sigh. Facing Ginoza again was going to be hard, watching that slow spiral of self destruction his partner was pushing himself into. It had been hard, these few weeks, since they had been moved to Division one. Worse when Masaoka joined.
Kougami didn't pretend to know what was going on in his friend's head. He didn't pretend he understood that pressure, that fixation on his work. Sure, he liked what he did. He knew he was doing good for the country, and there was a part of Kougami that had always wanted to be a detective. To help people, to lock the bad ones away. Get help for the people who could still be saved. Maybe it was an idealistic notion, but it was something Kougami understood. Unlike Ginoza. He seemed to be there because it was a need. There was no desire behind it, no passion, just need. Ginoza had wanted this for so long that it had become who it was. It scared Kougami, just a little. He cared about Ginoza, maybe more than he should. Wanted him to be clear, to be peaceful, to be happy. He wasn't sure Ginoza could be happy.
And there he was, same as he always was, hunched over his desk, typing out the first check in of the evening. Division one was small, just him, Ginoza, and the enforcers. They had been warned not to get close to their enforcers, warned that most of them were temporary, coming and going as their Coefficients spiked, as they became irredeemable. But Kougami had never seen that happen, and his team all came across as pretty good people. Sasayama was on duty that night, barely spared him more than a passing glance, a friendly enough nod of the head.
"Are you pulling a double shift tonight?" Ginoza didn't look up from his work.
"No. Just here to make sure you're situated. Unless you want me to stay?" Kougami offered, leaning against his partner's desk.
He shook his head no. "Go home. I've got things here." From the angle Kougami was standing, he could see the hollows of his cheeks, bags under his eyes.
He took a deep breath, but didn't comment. It wasn't really his job to keep his partner healthy. They were supposed to be monitored for that. He probably had alerts telling him to eat, to sleep, to take care of himself, and likely he ignored every single one. And still it was not Kougami's place to comment, to interfere. So he simply nodded, grabbed his jacket and resolved to come in early the next morning to check on Ginoza.
It was cold outside, bitter, he could see his breath and yet still chose to walk, the apartment he was sharing with Ginoza wasn't too far from their offices. Besides, the walk gave him time to smoke, time to think. Time to worry about the man he supposedly shared living space with, yet never saw. In all fairness, that made for a good roomate. Kougami may as well have lived alone. And Ginoza was clean, kept to himself, if he came home at all. Kougami couldn't remember the last time they were home together, sitting on the barely used sofa, maybe beer was involved. Must have been when they were first hired on, before the work got to be too much for either of them to take. Because he had to admit that sometimes it was too much for him to take.
He collapsed onto the sofa, not even bothering to turn on the lights, and stared at the ceiling, waiting for his eyes to adjust to total darkness. The last two nights he had slept on the sofa in the rec room at the PSB, and the vending machine lights, soft electronic sounds had been relaxing. In total darkness, in silence, even the curtains drawn, he felt oddly alone. Of course, Kougami was alone, and he used to relish that feeling. Now he found himself imagining Ginoza's quiet footfalls, straining to hear the sounds of the apartment's computer systems.
The silence felt heavy, oppressive, and he found his mind wandering back to the conversation he had with Masaoka just an hour ago. He knew it wasn't fair, for him to confide in someone he wasn't even supposed to think of as human, but Kougami didn't think it was fair to treat his Enforcers as anything other than human. And Masaoka made sense to him. The man wasn't a criminal, he was a detective. And now he was barely even that. He was a man trying to keep his son from self destruction. Not that Kougami really thought anyone could keep Ginoza from self destructing, least of all someone he professed to hate. Kougami didn't think anyone else in Division one knew. For all anyone knew, Masaoka had been transferred, an old dog to help his new masters learn the ropes. If they put that much thought into it at all. But Kougami had seen the transfer form. He knew Masaoka had begged to be transferred, promised not to tell anyone why. Kougami would have done the same thing. And maybe it was very, very wrong to think that he understood the Enforcer's line of thought.
Kougami didn't know when he had fallen asleep, but when he woke he was still sprawled across the sofa. He could see the faintest lines of sunlight peeking through the curtains, telling him morning had come quite without his permission. He groaned, sitting up, and demanded the computer make coffee and run hot water for a shower. Clothing peeled off in a trail to the bathroom, wrinkled suit jacket and stained trousers made an easy to follow map of his shuffled footfalls. They had decided that the fancier room systems were unnecessary, so there was no chipper voice announcing the news, or his personal calendar, but the holo on the shower wall told him it was just past six in the morning, the sun had only barely risen, and it was going to rain again. Or maybe it was already raining. Kougami didn't pay attention to that part. He didn't care. It had been raining for three days now, and it would probably rain the rest of the week. Unimportant. He wondered how hard it would be to get the computer to show him Ginoza's alerts. His latest coefficients, sleeping patterns and caloric intake. Ginoza had probably disabled all of that anyway. He wouldn't want to see his own spiraling downfall.
Kougami shut the shower off and threw on a clean suit, took his coffee black, another cigarette, ignored the computer's recommendation of breakfast. He'd pick something up from the cafe Ginoza used to like, when they were actually communicating. Might get him to eat something. It wasn't that much of a detour from his walking route. He ordered tea, a fruit filled pastry, and, after a thought, two more. Then it wasn't about feeding Ginoza, wouldn't be mistaken as patronizing.
Masaoka shushed him before he made it into the office, gestured to the glass door. Ginoza was slumped over the keyboard, fast asleep, Sasayama finishing the report for him. Kougami nodded, stepped inside quietly, handed Sasayama one of the breakfast pastries and approached Ginoza's desk. The man was breathing soft, his head on his skinny arm, hand at the keyboard even still. His glasses were pushed up against his nose, making an indent on his cheek, and Kougami slipped them off gently, nudged his shoulder.
"Gino, hey."
Ginoza made a soft noise, rubbed his face against his arm and blinked slowly awake. Kougami was momentarily surprised, hadn't expected those soft, fair features, shockingly hollow even still. "What time is it?"
"Half past six. You're off duty in another hour. I brought pastries and tea." Kougami smiled, resisted the urge to ruffle Ginoza's soft black hair, took an indulgent moment to watch as Ginoza brushed his own hands through it, replaced his glasses. He reached for the tea, and Kougami gently pushed it towards his hands. "Got your favorite."
Ginoza nodded, the smallest bit of a smile touching his face. Kougami returned the smile, brighter to see him relaxed. Even brighter when Ginoza took the pastry, breaking it into pieces to eat. "How'd the night go?" Kougami finally asked, when he thought Ginoza had time to wake.
"One alert, just past three. Domestic dispute, both parties are in separate therapy." Ginoza answered, taking the lid off his tea so it could cool.
"Easy night then, good. And Div two's taking watch, so you and I can get some rest."
Ginoza merely nodded, still tired. "You're not even supposed to be in today."
"Figured I could make sure you get home."
"I don't need to be coddled, Kougami."
"And I'm not coddling you. Just, as your friend, you know. I want to make sure you're doing well."
Ginoza nodded, sitting up straight. "Let me finish with these reports, then."
Kougami sunk into his own desk chair, eating his pastry and watching Ginoza read over the report Sasayama had made, fixing and refining the document. Sasayama shrugged, left the office, brushing past Kougami with a friendly smile. Kougami raised one hand to wave, sunk forward and laid on his arms, watching Ginoza again. The Inspector was singularly focused, ignoring the half finished tea, pastry broken into tiny pieces, a few still remained. His hair was growing out again, black strands brushing the frames of his glasses, not quite hiding the hollows of his cheeks, covering his tired eyes. Kougami let him work, finish out his shift, before he crossed the room to Ginoza's desk. He allowed himself one simple touch, a hand on Ginoza's shoulder, squeezing soft. "Hey, come on. Let's go home."