Work Text:
When you realized that you had feelings for the Doctor, you never planned to act on them. You tried to wish them away, to pray them away, you attempted to bury them deep inside of you and focus on anything but this stirring feeling that kept you up some nights.
The kiss wasn’t exactly your choice. You did kiss her willingly, yes, and oh what a kiss it was, but you were influenced by many factors that kept you from thinking about consequences. The rush of adrenaline, the pure joy and relief of surviving another life-threatening adventure, somehow it was all enough to cloud your judgment. She was standing right in front of you, with her stupid dorky grin, ruffled golden hair and bright sparkles in her eyes. The urge was irresistible. Without a second thought you made a step and gave in. You did what the heart was telling you all along and placed a tender yet firm kiss on the Doctor’s lips.
They were warm and soft, almost silken, and they had a slightly sweet taste. It felt like her mouth was created to fit perfectly against yours. When her usual scent of vanilla and lavender reached your nose, stronger than ever, your knees almost gave up and a flash of heat washed over you. One of your hands rested on her waist and with the fingers of the other you gently brushed away a strand of her hair that fell on her face and tucked it behind her ear. Everything felt perfect until you decided to open your eyes.
Her face was blank, all muscles relaxed and her gaze fixed on some faraway point. She looked absent and you couldn’t exactly tell what she was thinking, but you two definitely weren’t on the same page. You pulled away hastily.
“I’m so terribly sorry,” your voice quavered.
She finally looked up, straight into your eyes, and it seemed like she was mulling over what just happened. She opened her mouth for a second, but then she shook her head and turned around. She left the room and a couple seconds later you heard the familiar squeak of the TARDIS’ door being opened and closed.
You expected her to come back the next day and take you on an adventure like she was supposed to. You figured she was going to be a little awkward, maybe she would broach the topic and maybe she’ll choose the comfort of the silence, but you’ve never expected her to leave you with the deafening quietness filling the room from which she was supposed to pick you up.
Days passed and nothing has happened. At first you tried to call her, you flinched every time you heard something that reminded you of the TARDIS’s materializing sounds or when the wind picked up, you stared at the sky for hours wondering where she was. After a while you realized that she wasn’t coming back, that your impulsiveness ruined things between you two. You still had hope, but each day less and less. She had a time machine, she could take how much time she wanted to cool off and be back after a minute. Which left two reasons why she was gone: you were either left behind, or being punished. Both possibilities broke your heart.
But then the Doctor showed up in the middle of the night, as if nothing happened, five weeks after the last time you saw her. She yanked off a duvet from your body as she was standing above you, calling your name and pulling your hand to get you out of bed. At first it was hard to make up anything from her quick excited tone as everything seemed a little hazy, but after a moment you could hear her repeatedly saying “for you!” and “surprise!”. You wondered if she couldn’t just show up in the morning – it’s not like she had to wait - but she brimmed with energy and the sparkles in her eyes were too much of a joy to risk complaining, especially since you left things on not the best terms.
Getting aboard the TARDIS seemed like it was a dream. The Doctor seemed so chipper and you still were sluggish. By the time the ship started groaning and wheezing you got fully awake.
„We’re here. Alright, go downstairs and put on the warmest clothes you can find,” the Doctor instructed you as the TARDIS’ engine has quieted down to her usual soft hum. “And I don’t mean grab a coat like you did the last time. I want to see layers. Lots of layers that cover your entire fragile human skin. You don’t want to be underdressed for this, trust me.”
For you it’s been a couple of weeks, but she had all the time in the world. It was surely enough to analyse the situation and figure out how she feels and what she should say to you. So why was she acting like nothing happened? Why was she pretending that everything’s okay? You needed an explanation, you deserved a clear answer, whatever it was.
“Doctor,” you said quietly, and by the terror in her eyes you could tell she knew where you’re going to go with this. “We need to talk.”
Her eyes tried to plead with you, begging you to drop this topic, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to move on without addressing the elephant in the room. She wasn’t good at talking about feelings, but then again, who was?
“Listen. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. It was the heat of the moment. I-“ you took a deep breath and closed your eyes for a moment, trying to form a sentence. It was frustrating how incapable of coherent thought you were in her presence.
You jumped a little at the unexpected touch. The Doctor took your hand into hers and caressed it with her thumb far more gently than you could ever imagine her touch might be.
“As my dear friend Jane Austen once wrote, If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more,” she said softly, almost in a whisper.
You were afraid to look at her, scared that if you opened your eyes you might be back in your bed, all alone, staring at the celling. The only thing keeping you sane, reminding you that this was in fact happening was the Doctor’s tender stroking.
You finally did when you realized she got closer to you. The way her breath tingled on your body sent shivers down your spine. You swallowed, focused on inhaling and exhaling, yours and hers, your breaths synchronising. You leaned forward to touch her forehead with yours, desperately yearning to close the distance between you, but too afraid to kiss her again.
“Doctor, I-” your voice trembled.
“I know,” she nodded her head and the corners of her mouth turned up. You looked at it, just for a split second, not wanting to make her uncomfortable but unable to stop yourself. Yet she caught that, of course she did, and she understood the meaning of it.
She pressed her lips against yours, delicately at first, unsure, as if she was testing how deep is the river, if she won’t drown in it. Then she grew more confident and with her hands she cupped your cheeks, holding you steady, as if she was afraid you would slip away. One of your hands wandered under her coat, and you placed the other on the back of her head, running your fingers through her hair. Everything you felt when you kissed her earlier paled in comparison. The scent of vanilla and lavender was so intense your head was spinning, or maybe it was the way she bit your lip, or perhaps because it was so hard to take a break every few moments to breathe.
You opened your eyes, wanting to see her expression, to make sure she’s okay and you were surprised to discover her own were opened. You couldn’t help but giggle.
“What?” she asked, her voice clearly amused.
“Why are you kissing with your eyes open?”
“I’m admiring you. You looked very passionate,” you felt the blush creeping up on your cheeks.
“You seemed very passionate yourself.”
A silence filled the control room once again, but it wasn’t this unbearable kind, where you both felt uncomfortable. You knew talking about how you feel will take time, work and loads of patience, but you were okay with it. As long as you have each other’s back, you will make it work.
Yet there was one question that had to be asked, regardless of how the Doctor felt about it.
“I need to know, why did you leave me for so long?”
“I wanted to give you a chance to think this through. To cool off. You kissed me on the spur of the moment. I had nothing but time to reflect on what happened, and I wanted you to have it too.”
You nodded. What she said made sense, but it didn’t change the fact that these last few weeks were rough.
“I’m sorry. Come to think about it, maybe it wasn’t the best course of action.”
“It’s okay,” you answered after a moment. “We’re okay”.
“I’m glad,” she gave you a shy smile, and you gave her one too. “Now get ready, time for the surprise I was talking about. We have some stargazing to do”.
You wanted to tell her the only stars you were interested in were the ones that shined in her eyes, that glowed in her hair, that sparkled and twinkled and flickered in each of her movement or word, because she was the whole galaxy, the entire universe, but you couldn’t say no to her excitement. If she told you to put on the warmest clothes, you supposed there would be many occasions for sharing body heat, one way or another.
When you were finally under the skies, it was hard to look away from her. The Doctor, however hard she tried, couldn’t hide her happiness. It radiated from her, her eyes crinkled, her cheeks were lifted, the tone of voice even more cheerful than usually. You were walking arm in arm, anchored up to each other and perhaps you would never be ready to let go.