Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chan used to confidently affirm that he knows his members very well.

He knows that Jisung likes his coffee bitter and cold, even on freezing winter days. ‘Beat evil with evil.’ Or so he says. He knows that he likes to have alone time, but that he gets emotional if he’s left on his own for too long.

He knows that Jeongin needs at least thirty long minutes to choose an outfit. That a good portion of his pay-cheque always goes to clothes. That his members’ opinions on him weight on his mind even if he pretends otherwise.

He knows Hyunjin hates being woken up harshly. It’s light feather touches that works the best for him. Then, he’ll need ten more minutes to properly get out of bed, and ten others to start forming sentences.

He knows Changbin gets on a bad mood if he goes three days without exercising. He knows that he takes teasing well, but like all humans, he has his limits. A fine line that Chan knows very well its whereabouts.

He knows Felix can’t go to bed without a glass of cold water. He knows of his habit of starting with dessert, if only a bite. He knows that he loves being called the sunshine of the group, and he knows that sometimes, he hates the responsibility that comes with such a nickname.

He knows Seungmin hates not writing in his journal before bed. That he loves his coffees burning hot with two teaspoons of sugar. That he loves taking other members belongings when he has a solo schedule.

He knows Minho gets sulky when no one tries his food. He knows that he sometimes randomly screams when he’d been quiet for too long and needs attention. He knows that he gets hurt easily, and that he’s the best at hiding it.

Chan knows his members like the back of his hand. He knows them better than he knows himself. He knows them better than he can ever pretend knowing his own older brother and father. He knows random facts about them, knows their habits, their hobbies, what they like and what they hate, their limits, the things they don’t say out loud , their comfort zone and the pain hidden behind their smiles.

He has seen every single one of them laugh uncontrollably. Has seen their eyes ablaze with anger. Has seen fear and hollowing sadness deform the lines of their faces. Has seen shyness and shame color their cheeks. Has seen their shoulders tense with protectiveness for each other.

Chan, with much pride, knows Han Jisung, Yang Jeongin, Hwang Hyunjin, Seo Changbin, Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin and Lee Minho.

Or so he thought.

Hearing it from a younger idol he barely remembers the name of hurts like someone had dug their fist in his chest and tore it from the strings holding it in place. It hurts with the strength of a thousand stab. It hurts with the light of thousand fireworks. It hurts like death had wrapped its long claws around his throat and squeezed.

He didn’t believe it at first. He barely still can. How can he?

Never. Oh never in his life had Chan been more humiliated. Never had he felt more betrayed.

“Ah…” the young idol had said, looking between the members and their leader with a faked apologetic smile. “You didn’t tell him? I thought he knew.”

 Chan had stayed frozen in place. Mouth open, deny words on the tip of his lower lip, refusing to fall off.

What is he even talking about?

There’s no way.

There’s no fucking way.

He watches as Jisung and Hyunjin hurriedly defend themselves. Watches in stupefied silence the way they stutter, the way they panickily shakes their head and hands. Watches their shoulders tense in defensiveness in the way only culprits know how to.  The others don’t even try to deny the accusations. They stay there, struck in shock, unable to form any words, mouth slightly open, as though they were trying and failing to form words that weren’t brave enough to make it past their parted open lips.

Jeongin looks at him and it’s then that Chan knows.

He recognizes the fear and guilt and defeat and so much more dripping from his youngest eyes.

So much that Chan can’t help but acknowledge that the stranger is saying the truth.

His members, the people he thought he knew, the people he thought trusted him the most, had lied to him.

His oh so dear members, all seven of them, are not humans.

And yet… And yet.

It isn’t unusual to have werewolves within the music industry; they are well welcomed, and Chan is friends with a few. The human and the werewolf community had made peace decades ago. It isn’t an issue. If his kids were really what this stranger is accusing them of, they would have told him. He would have known. Years ago. Not four years into their career. Not six or seven years into befriending them.

They would have told him. He would have known.

Right?

There’s no way.

There’s no fucking way.

“I thought… you guys know each other for so long. I thought… I’m so sorry.”

Chan tries to swallow down the panic and confusion rattling his chest, but he finds his mouth dry.

“You’ve got us mistaken. We don’t have werewolves in our group.”

The younger man glances at Jisung that had fallen silent like all the others. He looks two steps away from fainting. “But… Han clearly said-”

Chan’s blood is rushing in his ears. His heart hammers against his ribcage. He exhales breathlessly as he looks around, trying to calm himself. To shut down his brain. No. No no no no

“You should leave.”

“But-”

“I said leave.”  He takes a threatening step forward, and It’s like he’s one step closer to the edge of a cliff.

The boy looks at him for a long second before he bows and walk away. 

“Hyung…”

Chan turns to look at Minho. They’re all looking at him, fear apparent on their faces.

“He got us mistaken. We’re not that popular, it’s easy to make mistakes.” The leader forces out a laugh that comes out more nervous than he had intended. He chokes on it. He’s not nervous. He doesn’t have any reason to.

His members’ expressions don’t loosen. They don’t laugh it off. Don’t scoff nor shrug off the tension that had settled heavily on their shoulders.

Minho exchanges a worried look with the six younger men before he looks back.

“Hyung, he’s not- We were going to tell you I swear but- We-”

“STRAY KIDS, ON STAGE IN 5”

Chan’s head falls between his shoulders. He digs his fingers in his neck, his arms caging his face. He tries to breath, to assimilate the information and at the same time, erase it from his brain. He can’t deal with this right now. He can’t.

They’re standing backstage, in a small closed and dark space crowded with staff, cameras and other idols. Hundreds of fans are waiting for them a few feet away, at the other side of long and thick curtains.

He’ll swallow it down like a bitter medicine. He’ll deny it. He’ll lie to himself. He can’t do this right now. They can’t do this to him now of all moments. They can’t do this to him.

“Hyung-”

“No.” Chain raises his hand to stop Changbin. “No. Not now. Absolutely not.” His eyes fill with tears that he hurries to blink away. He sees his hand in double, and he wonders if it’s his fingers that are shaking or his vision.

“STRAY KIDS ON STAGE IN TWO.”

He puts his arm out toward them, and they immediately huddle in a circle, putting theirs above his. Half of theirs are shaking. He doesn’t want to look at them, because he knows of the fear that awaits him.

Against his will, he forces himself to look up. To meet every single one of their eyes.

Jisung is standing right in front of him. He’s trembling, from head to toe. He looks mortified. Changbin’s face is pale, and his eyes looks down at the floor the moment they meet his, utterly ashamed. Chan’s eyes switch between the two of them. There’s so much he wants to say. So many accusations he wants to blame them for. So so many why. Of all the group, it hurts the most coming from the two of them. He befriended them the longest. How many hours did they spend locked up in a studio talking about everything and anything? There was a time where it was just the three of them against the whole world. He swallows down the lump in his throat.  He can’t think about this now. Not now. Not now.

Instead, he focuses on the other members. Felix looks like he’s suffering just from forcing himself not to look down at his feet. Jeongin looks so utterly small. His muscles and strong body seem like they are heaving him down. Hyunjin is hunched, his long and once graceful body looks misplaced in the shame that colors his face. Seungmin and Minho try hard not to betray any emotions on their expression, but their eyes are enough to tell about the panic that lives in them.

Chan’s head buzz like a pack of bees is storming inside it. He looks around. Everyone in the hall is looking at them questionably, with unveiled curiosity. Some idols, who Chan knows are werewolves, are glaring with frowned eyebrows. He looks back at his group, trying to piece two and two together.

Every single person in the building, fans included, are forced to wear scent blockers: a form of respect to the werewolf’s community. Chan is wearing his, and so are his members.

By the looks they’re getting, the fear Chan can see as clear as day in Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin’s face must have been strong enough to leak through their scent blockers. Which explains all the attention they’re getting.

It isn’t uncommon for new debuting groups as they might feel extremely anxious and scared before performing, but for a four years group like themselves known for their easiness on stage…

Their staff keeps screaming in their ears to get moving, the idol’s eyes keep glaring, and Chan is two steps away from rolling into a ball on the floor and sobbing, but his members don’t make a single move. Not even a flutter of an eyelash. Their hands keep hovering in the circle between them, eyes fixed into Chan’s.

Above all, the main thing that stands out, is the absolute terror discoloring his oh so precious members’ faces. Chan doesn’t want to think about what that implies. On how much they are absolutely terrified.

He doesn’t know of who.

Of the company?

“What are you doing?” Their manager arrives running, followed by a few other staff members. “You’re supposed to be on stage!”

Chan glares at him, efficiently silencing him, before he takes a deep breath.

Of himself?

Instinctively, the protective instinct he has for his kids burst into flames. Anger heat in his chest before it starts boiling, like it always does when anyone hurts his members. This is all because of that young foolish rookie.

Absently, in the far back of his mind, he acknowledges the cameras and everyone in the hall staring at them. The loud music and the screaming fans are like a heavy blanket. His mind is fogged, he tries to keep his full focus on his kids. Everything else blurs. Nothing else matters, he desperately tries to convince himself. Not for now.

“Do you know what that two-faced coward just did?” Chan spits, pointing a finger to somewhere above his shoulder, taking the time to look at every one of them. “He threw a fucking bomb at us because he wants us to fall apart. He wants us to make a fool of ourselves out there and prove to the whole industry that we don’t deserve the best performance Daesang we got. That hisgroup should have won it. He wants that. He wants to break our ‘beast performers’ title. He wants us to break.”

Furor washes out of his body in waves. His members hungrily swallow it down. They let their leader’s anger consume them whole. Their posture changes. Their aura shifts. Their shoulders raise. Their back straightens. Their eyes harden with pure and raw wrath.  

Chan doesn’t notice everyone around them taking a cautious step back from the threatening pheromones pulsing out of the group in dazzling waves.

“Right now, in this exact instant, I don’t give a single fuck about if you’re humans, werewolves, or fucking aliens. Right now, all that matter is that we’re performers. One of the best out there.” Rage and resentment feel blissfully great. He allows them to take control over his body, to stop the shaking of his hands and burry fear. “And I do not want us to throw to trash all the hard work that had been put in this performance because of a baby idol that doesn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.”

Hyunjin and Minho snarl in despise

“Don’t think about anything else. Destroy that stage.” Chan orders.

---- 

The adrenaline lasts for a while after they are done performing. It follows Chan backstage, through the crowded hallways and into their dressing rooms. It lingers, as they change and rejoin their waiting room.

Chan has never been on drugs, but as he lets himself bath in the comforting eeriness that makes his body float above the ground, he could swear that’s what it must feel like to be high.

The fall is painful.

He doesn’t remember right away.

He’s sitting on a crocked chair, changing from the combat boots their stylists gave them to his comfortable shoes. His mind wonders with frowned eyebrows, when he lifts his head and look at his members silently gathering their stuff around the room, why they are acting so unlike themselves? They’re usually loud and jumpy with excitement, taking hundreds of pictures of each other before getting changed into their everyday clothes. Today, not a single phone sees the artificial light of the room.

Even when Minho cautiously approaches him, the other members trying to subtly observes the two, Chan fails to remember.

“Hyung…”

Chan looks up at him from where he’s sitting with an easy smile.

“Hmm?"

“Should we… Can we talk about it now?”

Chan almost asks him about what. It almost leaves his parted lips. His confused expression is set and ready to let out the question. And then, in the split of what feels shorter than a second, he remembers.

He almost doubles in pain. His heart drops to his stomach, sending a crashing wave of nausea up to his lungs. It would have hurt less if Minho had punched him in the throat. Everything comes back to him at once, attempting to drown him in raging seas; the confusion, the hurt, the betrayal, the humiliation, the guilt, the shock and every single little and big feeling he couldn’t put a name on.

He doesn’t know what appeared on his face or his scent, but all seven members take a step back. They hang their head low, neck bare, as if the sudden tension had won over their muscles.

“No-not now. Later.”

Pathetically and cowardly enough, Chan stands up to leave the room. He grabs his backpack and is about to walk out when he stops himself.

Right. Even If he is falling apart, no matter his current sour feelings toward his members, he stays their leader.

Instead, he waits in the hall, back and head resting on the wall beside the door of their waiting room.

It takes his members a record time of ten minutes to follow after him, and it’s only when Chan is sure all of them are present, does he walk behind them to the waiting cars.

The ride home is tense with silence. He abandons his usual place in the far back beside Changbin to take the passenger seat. Earphones in and volume all the way up to swallow his thoughts, Chan closes his eyes and pretend he doesn’t exist.

The members follow him like ducklings when they arrive. Even Minho, Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix who don’t share the same dorm, shadow him to the apartment he shares with Jisung, Changbin and Hyunjin.

They enter the living room, and when Chan sits in the middle of the couch, they stand stiff and tense around him.

The quietness is suffocating. It coats his vocal cords with a blanket of dust and rust.  He takes a deep breath, head hanging between his legs, fingers in his hair. He tries to ready himself for what’s coming. Tries to keep his emotions at bay. Tries to wrap his mind around the fact that his members are werewolves and not humans. He fails on the last task. He can’t possibly believe it.

Maybe hearing it from their own mouth will do the trick.

“So,” He exhales slowly. “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

The first person his eyes meet, the one standing right in front of him, is Minho whose head lower further down at his words.

He notices that Changbin and Hyunjin are standing on either side of him, then Jisung and Felix, followed by Seungmin and Jeongin. He mutely wonders if Minho is their alpha, given that he’s the one who had been facing his shock headfirst. Somehow, his heart aches. He feels excluded, knowing that they’re far closer to each other than he’ll ever be. He thought Stray Kids as a whole were a pack. He was wrong. They are. Not him. They’re the werewolves. He’s just a silly dumb human who couldn’t notice something as obvious as this.

From the corner of his eyes, he notices Jeongin’s shoulders starting to shake.

It feels like he has been slapped. He tries to relax his posture, to shut down his feelings, calm himself and appear as non-threatening as possible. He now needs to take in consideration the fact that his members have a heightened sense of smell.

“I need to hear it from you to believe it. I never put anyone’s words above yours. Never believed anyone more than the seven of you. Never trusted anyone more than I trusted you. Not the company, not the fans, not my friends or even family.” He says the last word with disgust. He digs his elbows in his thighs to support the weight of his thoughts. “So tell me. Who are you?”

Hurt explodes in all of their eyes.

Minho approaches him. His knees crashes on the carpet a couple of feet away from Chan.

“Hyung. You know who we are. We are your members. Your brothers. You know us.”

Chan looks at him and he vainly tries to swallow down the feeling of foreignness that poisons his blood. There’s so much that comes with being a wolf. They are beings that act differently than humans. They eat differently. They react to situations differently. They think differently. They express and feel emotions differently. They treat their loved ones differently. How much of it all did Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin hide from him? How much of themselves did they swallow down when Chan is around so he wouldn’t figure out the truth? How much of what Chan thought he knew about them is fake pretend? How much of their true selves did they never reveal to him? What if it has all been lies? What if everything he thought he knew about them was only a mask they kept around him?

“I thought I knew.” Tears burn their way up to his eyes. His nose stings. He sniffs. “I don’t- I don’t know anymore.” He shakes his head.

A small suffocated sob wracks Hyunjin’s chest. Chan looks up to him, sees the way his body is slightly turned away from him, sees the way Seungmin grabs his shoulder. He looks away. He feels ashamed, embarrassed, as if he intruded a moment that wasn’t meant for him to see. That’s what he is now, he concludes, an intruder in his own group, an outsider within the members he handpicked himself.

“Let me ask the question differently.” He says instead. “What are you?”

There’s a silence before Jisung takes a step forward.

“Hyung.” He chokes out. “I should have told you the first day we met, all those years ago. I’m sorry I was and still am a coward.”

He looks at him, and he looks still so scared that Chan almost reaches and tell him that he doesn’t have to say it.

“I’m a wolf.”

Minho stands up.

“We all are.”

He stands in front of the six others, as though he were protecting them from the only human in the apartment. From him.

Chan’s heart crashes and burns. He felt this much pain on very few moments in his entire life. When he still lived with his older brother and father. When his mom died. And yet, never had it hurt this much to be rejected. To be treated as though he were about to hurt his own chosen family. To be looked at as though he were a stranger, with so much fear, by the people he loves the most in the entire universe.

“Why?” He throws up the word that had been hunting him for hours. “Why did you not tell me?”

Changbin hesitates. “The right moment just never came.”

Chan stands up. Anger flares up his chest.

The seven members take a step back.

“The right moment never came? Do not continue to lie to me Seo Changbin.” He scoffs, tearing up again. He looks away long enough for the traitress tears to leave. “We’ve known each other for years. I’ve known some of you for seven up to eight years. Even if you couldn’t tell me during trainee days, we’ve been a group for four years. We see each other every fucking day. Do not tell me that there wasn’t a single right moment.”

“We just- we didn’t know how to break it to you.” Seungmin attempts, taking a step toward him.

Chan scoffs. His chest feels like it’s been stabbed by iced knives. “Oh but you knew how to break it to that rookie idol, didn’t you? What was his name again? I can’t even remember it. How many people even know except me? 10? 20? 30?”

No one says anything. It’s enough of an answer by itself.

He humorlessly breathlessly laughs. Of course the whole industry must know. Werewolves can smell each other. Meaning all of them knew about his members and must have told their humans. This includes fellow idols, staff members, fans and even strangers. All of them knew except him. How- How had he not known?

His ragged breathing is the only thing filling the air around them, trapping him in what feels like a glassed box gradually filling with water, ready to drown him.

“Why did you not trust me?” he wetly asks behind a repressed sob. He sounds pathetic to his own ears. He feels pathetic. He knows he’s pathetic. Weak. Vulnerable. He wants to claw at his skin and tear it apart. He’s probably overreacting but it hurts.

Simultaneously, all of their eyes fill with tears, mirroring his. Even Minho’s, who usually never cries. They inch toward him but Chan flinches away.

“It’s not about trust Hyung” Felix sounds desperate.

“But it is,” Chan weakly smiles. A tear rolls down his cheek. He stutters a breath. “You didn’t trust me enough to know that I would never judge you. That I would never cause you any harm. That I would protect you against the whole ugly universe. You didn’t-” he shakes his head, unable to believe it himself. “trust me.”

A headache builds its way up his head. He tries to breathe through it.

He’s reminded of his older brother’s awful habit of pushing him down the stairs. He feels the way each part, each bone in his body slam against each step, the way his head hits the wall as though it were happening in the present. He hears his father low accusations. Feels the way his words repeatedly stab him.

'She died because of you. Because you’re a fucking coward. You let the love of my life die.’

Maybe they had been right all along. She died because he lether. That’s why he’ll never be loved. He let the person who unconditionally loved him die. He will never be enough. To anyone. No one will ever truly love him and trust him. He will never belong anywhere. That’s his curse. His family was right. He’s cursed. He deserves it.

Dread claws at his throat and this time, he fails to contain the sob that rattles his throat.

“Is it-Is it because I let her die? Is that- is that why you can’t trust me?”

Minho is in front of him in the blink of an eye. He cups Chan’s cheeks in the palm of his small hands as he panickily shakes his head.

“No no no no Hyung no. You are not to blame for what happened. You-”

“But I am to blame. That day, and today too. Not you. It never was your fault. It’s all mine, the problem has always been in me.” He grabs Minho’s hand and gently lowers them. “I blamed you for never telling me, but I didn’t notice anything in all these years. I never- never even suspected- How did I not notice? How did I not know? There’s seven of you how did I not- oh my god-”

He doesn’t know how Seungmin got beside him but a heartbeat later he’s forcing his head to turn to his and trying to meet his eyes. There’s fear and despair in them that makes Chan unable to focus.

“Hyung, Channi Hyung listen, you couldn’t have known. This is not your faul-”

“No no I didn’t know. How could I not have known? Why did I not notice anything in years? I’m a horrible leader. I’m a terrible friend. I do not- I do not even deserve to lead you.”

Suddenly, a collective growl makes him startle. He lifts his head, looking with wide eyes at his seven members that all step toward him, anger disforming their faces. Half of their eyes are red, as though they just whipped their tears.

“You’re our alpha.” Minho says, grabbing his neck from either side and digging his nails in his skin. Not strong enough to hurt but to there to ground Chan. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Minho looks lost, unknowing what to say more than that, as though those four words were enough to express everything.

Chan tries to step back but the couch behind him stops him. He shakes his head and capture his lips inside his mouth so he can bite them. The tears don’t listen. They don’t get the message that he is far too embarrassed, too ashamed to let them out just now. They swell in his eyes, making him look so much weaker. He had always been too weak. Too vulnerable. Had always felt everything in a deeper way. Had always loved people far more than they ever loved him back. Stray Kids too. Maybe this all has been a mistake. He shouldn’t have gotten attached. Shouldn’t have let them become his everything. Relaying his entire happiness, his entire sanity, his entire life on a single love had never been a good decision. And Chan had never been good at making decisions.

Maybe Stray Kids were not them after all. They were not the people that were meant to love and trust him unconditionally.

Maybe he will never be loved that much.

Maybe he is just… always doomed to give out more love than he’ll ever receive.

He shouldn’t have loved them that much.

When Chan turns away, he leaves with them a part of his heart that he can’t stitch back. It hurts. It hurts so somuch.

He grabs his keys and storms out of the apartment.

Jeongin is about to run after him but Minho stops him.

He shakes his head.

“No. He needs time and space.” The words hurt on their way out.

“N-no no he can’t- he can’t leave us.” His voice breaks.

Hyunjin immediately wraps his arms around his neck, bringing him in the comfort of his arms. Jeongin breaks within them. His sobs wreck his breathing, tightening his ribcage around his lungs.

“He can’t- he can’t leave us. He’s our alpha he can’t- he has to be with us. Doesn’t he get it? He can’t-”

Hyunjin squeezes tighter “He’s not leaving us. He’s not I promise. He’s just taking time to calm himself.” He closes his eyes. He prays to god that he’s not lying.

“You don’t know that.” Felix whines. His face falls apart and his eyes drown in tears that overflow on his freckled cheeks. “You don’t know that.  We hurt him. We lied to him for a fucking decade. We betrayed him. We embarrassed him. We made him feel ashamed of calling himself a Stray Kids’ leader. We did that. We did that to him. What type of alpha would comeback?”

Jisung whimpers. His legs give up under him, sending him crashing to the floor. He shakes his head. “No. No that’s not true. No.”

Felix panics. His heartbeats quicken. His breathing picks up. “You know it’s the truth. You all smelt his emotions. You all saw his body language. He’s giving up on us.”

“He’s not giving up on us.” Changbin looks around the room, as if Chan would pop out from under the sink. “This is why we didn’t want to tell him. This is all-”

“because of us.” Seungmin finishes. “This all is blowing up on our faces becausewe didn’t tell him. I told you that he has to hear it from us before someone else does it in our place. Now look at this disaster!” he gestures to the front door. “Our alpha is out there, alone, in the middle of the night, outside our territory, and we can’t even go and find him because he DOESN’T WANT US.”

“Okay so now it’s my fault?” Changbin snaps back, finger pointed to his chest and taking a threatening step toward Seungmin. “I told you to tell him when we debuted. I told you to tell him when we became eight. I told you to tell him the night Go Live came out. I told you to tell him before and after kingdom. But every single time, one of you had a reason to call it off. It NEVER was the right time.”

“You backed off in hundred other occasions. Do not act like you’re innoce-”

Minho growls. “Shut up.”

The room suddenly falls deathly silent.

“There’s no point fighting over this. We’re all responsible.”

He sighs.

“Go wash up and try to sleep if your mind lets you. I do not want Chan hyung to comeback to this.” He turns his eyes to Hyunjin, Changbin and Jisung. “And when he comes back home, stay in your rooms and don’t bother him.”

As he walks away, the trembling of his fingers betrays his calmness.

“God, I’m so glad he can’t smell this disaster. Change your scent blockers damn it.” He says before he slams the door behind him.

---

There are two knocks on the door.

Chan lifts his head toward it.

“Come in.”

Sana pocks her head inside the meeting room, a small smile on her lips.

“Hi,”

“Hi” Chan tiredly smiles back.

“Can I sit?”

“Of course.”

She carefully walks into the room, and takes a sit to Chan’s left, where the long oval table curves.

“You have a lot of books.”

Chan looks around him, really looks for the first time in hours.

There are piled up books to his right, sitting right next to scattered colorful pens and a notebook. Two books are open, one slightly on top of the other; Werewolves’ Origin and History Vol.1 and How To Live With A Werewolf Vol. 3. His MacBook Air is to his left, dozens of open tabs waiting to be consulted. An empty small bottle of pineapple juice is standing dangerously close to his electronic device and sheets.

“Here.”

Gratefully, he accepts the new box of pineapple juice that Sana hands him. It’s the same one as his. They sell them in the company.

“I see that you’re working hard.” Sana says to restart the conversation.

Chan shrugs. He closes his Mac.

“Went to the library. Figured I need to study.”

Sana sighs. “So you know.”

Chan slowly nods.

“I thought you of all people would tell me. Why did you let me be a fool for so long?”

“Chan…” She reaches and put his hand on his, fixing her eyes on him. “I wanted to. I promise. But it’s not my pack to get involved with.”

“We’re best friends Sana. We’re more than that, you’re my sister. I thought- I thought I meant that much to you too.”

“You are. God, Chan you mean the world to me. It’s just-” she looks away, trying to find the right thing to say. “We, werewolves, are extremely overprotective of our pack. Your pack explicitly asked us not to tell you anything and we swore not to. Me, Momo or Jihyo telling you would have been a huge sign of disrespect and an attack to them.”

She watches Chan as he tries to wrap his mind around what she just said.

“I know it’s hard to understand as a human, but it’s a really big deal to us. They needed to tell you on their own terms.”

A sad smile stains her face.

“But that’s not what happened, right?”

Chan shakes his head. “No.” he whispers.

Sana pulls back her hand to run it in her hair. She looks frustrated.

“You know,” she softly says. “It took me three years to tell my members. It takes a huge amount of courage to say it. Your wolves must be heartbroken that they couldn’t get the opportunity to tell you themselves.”

“I can’t- I can’t understand what I did wrong?” Chan drags his eyes back to Sana’s. He stops her before she can say anything. “What did I do wrong to make them feel like they can’t trust me? Was I too busy? Was I not attentive enough to their concerns and worries? Was I not there for them? Why couldn’t they trust me in all the years we’ve known each other?”

“It’s not about trust Channi.” She approaches her rolling chair to his. “Your wolves trust you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Did they ever sleep in your presence?”

Chan frowns his eyebrows, confused. “Yeah…?”

“Did they ever cry in your presence?”

“They did.”

“Did they ever offer you food and let you around them when they were sick?”

Chan doesn’t answer. He has a feeling where this is going. Sana almost sounds upset.

“Did they ever let you close to their exposed necks, like during hugs?”

“I mean yeah, but that doesn’t mean-”

“That means everything Chan. That’s trust.” Her eyes are a blaze. “You humans always are so complicated. We’re not.” She shakes her head. “Werewolves are extremely careful beings. We don’t let anyone close to our territory, let alone our vitals. They trusted you with their weakness and vulnerability, that’s everything to a wolf.”

“Then why couldn’t they tell me?”

“Because they were scared.” Sana insists. “That’s what fear does. It’s irrational and stupid and no one fully understands why it’s even there in the first place.”

Chan looks down at his notes, absently staring at them.

“I don’t know the details of it, but I’m sure they had a reason. They care a lot about you Channi. They choose you as their Alpha. Do you understand how important that is for them?”

“Humans can’t be alphas.” Chan argues.

“It’s rare, but it’s not impossible. It just shows how much you mean to them and how much they trust you. I think they were terrified to tell you and lose you. A werewolf being abandoned by their alpha hurts a lot.”  Sana grimaces before she pulls back a smile on her face. “Go to them. Talk to them. Everyone in the company can sense how tense it has been between you.”

Chan honestly doesn’t need to be reminded of it. It’s not like he hasn’t been talking to them, but all their conversations were short and awkward. He had been avoiding them, he couldn’t lie about that. He can only guess how hurt they are by his actions, but he can’t fathom the strength to go back to how they had been like nothing happened. He can’t even produce songs anymore. The energy lacks. The motivation is nowhere to be found.

“I can’t look at them in the eyes. What kind of leader doesn’t notice the most important thing about his members? How did I never notice anything?”

“We’re part wolves, but we’re also half humans. We can merge perfectly within humans. If we really do not want someone to find out about us, we will make it happen.” Sana leans back on her chair. “There was no way for you to find out on your own. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”

Strangely enough, the weight in Chan’s chest significantly loosen. He can feel his heart slowly beating back normally. It’s like a breeze of fresh air.

He’s about to say something when the door suddenly burst open.

Jisung comes in panting.

The panic in his eyes makes Chan’s heart jump in his throat.

“It’s Jeongin.”

---

Jeongin… is not quite Jeongin like Chan knows him.

He’s a mix of brownish and orange fur, a huge muscled wolf that is blaring its long and sharp teeth at anyone that dares come too close to him. He’s trapped in a corner of the practice room, trying and failing to back away furthermore.

The room is crowded, not only by the members, but with trainees and staff that had been attracted by the commotion.

“What happened?” Chan asks Changbin, Hyunjin, Felix and Seungmin that hurries toward him the moment he’s past the door. Minho stays in front of the wolf, of Jeongin, Chan corrects himself. Jisung is frozen in shock beside him, still breathless. The only thing he told him on their way here was ‘Jeongin’ and ‘Wolf’.

“He lost control. I don’t know why. Jeongin never loses control. None of us ever do.” Seungmin panics.

“It’s because you weren’t here.” Hyunjin accuses on the edge of crying. “You wouldn’t talk to us or- or look at us and you are scared of us. You can’t be scared of us Hyung, you can’t do that to us. We’re not- We’re not monsters you don’t actually think we’re monsters or animals or- or beasts, right? You won’t abandon us right? You-”

“What? What no no of course not.” Chan holds Hyunjin’s hand, stopping him in his ramble. He looks at Changbin, Seungmin, Felix and Jisung encircling them and he realizes that they all share Hyunjin’s trail of thoughts. He sees Minho’s shoulder tense, sees Jeongin’s ears perks up, indicating that they were both listening as well. Chan’s stomach sinks. Did they really think he was going to abandon them? That he was avoiding them because he doesn’t accept who they are? Did he really unintentionally make their worst fears, the sole reason they didn’t tell him they were werewolves, come true?

“You’re not- I’m not-”

“Chan!” Their manager cuts him. He hands him a tranquillizer gun. His seven members synchronizingly flinch back. “Use this.”

Chan looks at it, looks at his members, then looks at the wolf whimpering and backing away. “No. It won’t be necessary.”

“Chan.”

“Can you just- leave us? I’ll take care of this.”

The man sighs in frustration. He glares at the seven wolves. “It’s not a wise choice to leave you with-”

Of course, the company knows about his members, Chan realizes. They have monthly medical controls and some of the staff are werewolves themselves. There’s no way they wouldn’t have known. It hurts and baffles Chan that they kept it from him. That the whole world seemed to agree not to tell him. He tries to swallow down his feelings. This is not about him.

He doesn’t let the manager finish. “With my wolves. I’m perfectly safe with them.” He glances at the crowd behind them. “Please take them with you and give us some time.”

The man hesitates, but eventually, he gives in.

It only takes a couple of seconds for the practice room to be completely empty. Chan makes sure to lock the door before he takes confident steps toward Jeongin.

Once he’s beside Minho, the dancer places a protective hand on his chest to stop him.

“He doesn’t recognize you. There’s too much scents in the room. It’s overwhelming him.”

Chan attempts his best comforting smile. It must have been hard for Minho, he grasps, having to take care of the younger pups all by himself and bear the responsibility on his back.

“It’s okay.” He places his hand on Minho’s hair, adjusting his stray strands. “You did well. Thank you for taking care of them. I got it now.”

Minho freezes. Then, his eyes fill with tears as he nods. His shoulders fall from the tension that had habited them. He looks relieved.

Chan takes a couple more steps forward, this time, more cautiously.

He crouches in front of the wolf.

“Hey Innie. It’s Channi Hyung. Do you recognize me?”

Jeongin growls, attempting to back away.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you.”

Chan watches as Jeongin’s eyes glance at the capture gun scattered to the floor.

“Changbin? Can you throw that gun in the trash bin please?” The leader asks without turning around.

“Are you sure Hyung?”

The wolf fixes his golden eyes into Chan’s brown ones.

“I’m sure.”

“Then I’ll be happy too.” Changbin grumbles under his breath.  

Jeongin carefully watches as the gun is picked up from the floor and thrown away. It’s only then that he turns his head back to Chan’s.

“I’m sorry for scaring you.” Chan says, keeping his full attention on his youngest. “Hyung is not going to leave you. I’ll always be with you, as long as you want me.”

A whimper resonates from the wolf’s throat.

Chan moves his hand toward him, but it must have been too soon, because the werewolve’s sharp and long claws snap toward him, scratching the entirety of the back of his left hand. Chan yelps in surprise and pain, hurriedly stepping back and ending up on the floor.

There’s a chorus of screams and growls from the six wolves behind him. Minho shifts into a wolf, jumping right in front of Chan as Hyunjin and Jisung hurries to drag their alpha back.

Chan lets himself be pulled away. He barely processes what happened. Everything reaches him as though he were buried underground. He can’t tear his eyes from the three claw marks on his hand. From the blood pouring into his jeans.

He’s there again, so young, so terrified, weak trembling body watching the same wolf leave the same claw mark on his mother’s chest. Sees the same dark red blood, thick and sticky, leak out of her chest like a fountain, splash his cheeks. He hears her throat vomiting awful gurgling sounds.  

Ah…Chan absently thinks.

That’s why they were scared of telling me.

Felix’s mouth is moving. He’s saying something Chan can’t hear. He’s gently slapping his cheek, but he doesn’t feel it. The world around him is buzzing. Changbin, Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jisung are standing in a half circle, their backs in front of him.

They’re protecting him.

Chan stares down at his bloody shaking hand.

But from who?

From the wolf that had killed his mother.

He frowns.

No. No that couldn’t be right. It’s not the same wolf. It couldn’t be.

The wolf that did this to him, his eyes, they were so scared. They wanted Chan to protect him. To be there.

The animal that had killed his mom, was so angry. So much anger in his blue eyes.

This one just... he just wants the fear to stop. Wants his alpha to make him feel safe. To tell him that he’s not going anywhere.

“-yung. Chan Hyung, please do you hear me?” Felix turns to look at Changbin’s back. “We need the capture gun.”

“No. Minho’s going to calm him.” Hyunjin grits between his teeth.

“Minho’s not going to be able to do anything. Jeongin’s not in his right mind.”

As if to confirm Seungmin’s words, Jeongin growls louder.

“Chan hyung will hate us. God, he’s going to be so terrified and disgusted by us.” Jisung stresses around a cry. “I knew this would happen one day. I knew it. Oh god what will become of us?”

“What’s going on in there?” The manager shouts, banging on the door.

They all startle.

Chan forces himself back on his feet, Felix hurries to help him.

“Everything’s fine!” The leader screams back to the closed door.

He pushes Changbin and Seungmin out of the way when they try to stop him. Even Minho, deep black fur, back out of the way when Chan marches toward Jeongin.

Chan swallows a lump in his throat as he stares down at the wolf that glares back. It’s Jeongin, he forces himself to remember. It’s just Jeongin.

The wolf sniffs the air.

A moment later, he starts whimpering and submit himself.

Chan recognizes it immediately from having spent hours studying it. There are two types of submissive tail positions: the half tuck and the all the way tucked. The second one, the one Jeongin is displaying, with the tail between the legs touching the belly, is a form of utter defeat and submission to a dominant wolf. As for the posture, there are the passive submission and active submission. Jeongin shows a passive submission at first as he lays on his side and exposes his belly to Chan’s, the most vulnerable part of himself. Then, when Chan carefully approaches him to pet his tummy with his uninjured hand, Jeongin changes into an active submission by licking his nose.

He’s surprised and slightly feeling awkward as he never had been put in such a situation of a wolf submitting to him, a human.  

A giggle bubbles in his chest when Jeongin licks his nose again. He relaxes, It’s no different from his dog berry, really.

The wolf whimpers again as he sits on his paws, turning to lick the blood from Chan’s hand.

He’s almost forgotten the other members until Changbin speaks right behind him. “Is there a first aid kit around here?”

“I can go and see if Doctor Kim is still in her office. I’m scared it might need stitches.” Seungmin worries.

“It’s okay.” Chan comforts. Caressing Jeongin’s head with the hand the wolf is not actively licking. “It doesn’t hurt.”

Minho’s wolf approaches him. He starts licking his hand, and when Jeongin becomes aware that it’s being taken care of, he hides his head in Chan’s neck. Chan breathlessly laughs. He welcomes the big wolf in his arms, his heart breaking at Jeongin’s cries. He tries to engulf him as best as he can.

“When did you get so big? I can’t even hug you anymore.”

Chan’s chest expands, leaving more space for his heart to furiously beat. 

A tear rolls down his cheek.

It doesn’t hurt.

---

“So wait. Alpha, Beta and Omega are not an identity.” Chan captures the pen between his lips.

Minho throws a mandarin in his mouth. He leans back on the grass. “No. It’s a rank. It’s not like what you see in fiction. We don’t presentinto one of the three. It’s like… Taekwondo belts. You climb up the ranks based on your strength.”

“Alpha is the strongest. Beta is the second in command and omega…”

“Is the weakest wolf. Not all wolves have a rank though. Some are just, the in between, I guess? We just call them the rest of the pack. They sometimes establish a small hierarchy between themselves.”

Chan looks out into the horizon. It’s a beautiful view. Land and mountains expand in front of him as far as the eye can see. The sun is slowly declining over the horizon, leaving place to a building chilling wind that only makes the six wolves happier. They are running and jumping in the snow a couple of feet ahead, yelping and barking in pure joy and excitement.

“You’re the beta. We don’t have an omega because there’s no such thing as the weakest member,” Chan recites what he had been taught. “And I’m…”

“Our Alpha.” Minho easily says.

“I don’t get it. I’m not a wolf Min. I’m a human. I’m nowhere as strong as you all are.”

“Strength is not just about brutal force. There’s no one as strong and capable as you to lead us.”

Minho turns to look at the running wolves.

Chan is not so sure about that, but he doesn’t say anything.

A comfortable silence settles between them.

“Are you sure you don’t want to shift and go play with them?”

“No. I’m good here.” He smiles contently.

Seungmin’s light brown and white wolf comes running to Chan, crashing right into his arms.

Minho loudly complains at the disturbance, but Chan only laughs louder as the wolf forcedly cuddles him, rubbing his head against his neck. He only half minds the snow wetting his jeans.

Hyunjin follows after him, gray fur swapped by the wind. He stops short right in front of their picnic tablecloth, rolls himself in the snow before he jumps straight into Minho’s arms. The latter screams in protest as he falls on his back, not expecting the wolf to attack him and completely lay on top of him.

“You did NOT need to bring all that snow to m-” his words get muffled by Hyunjin’s muzzle in his face. “-top stop Hwang HYUNJIN.”

Chan ruffles Felix’s goldish fur where he had taken place by his side. He laughs at Minho, knowing far well the werewolf is more than capable to throw Hyunjin’s off if he really wants to. Fighting and teasing each other is part of their love language after all.

 Jisung, a white wolf, Changbin, a black wolf much too similar to Minho, and Jeongin arrives next. They wrestle some more, cuddle and yelps loudly for long minutes before they finally settle down. One after the other, the youngest first up to Changbin, all fall asleep, limbs and head intertwined and on top of one another.

Chan, trapped by Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix and Seungmin, accepts his fate of being used as a human pillow. Jeongin is settled on Minho’s lap and Changbin is comfortable sleeping in between the alpha and the beta.

Chan runs his fingers in their coat. It’s just like he had read, the snow doesn’t melt on their fur. He smiles, having never felt more content and fulfilled.

“You know you’re going to get in trouble for this right? You more than us.”

He looks at Minho, and with a laugh, he shrugs.

“So be it. I don’t care about what the company says, as long as the seven of you are happy.”

Minho sighs. He looks up at the snow dancing its way to them.

“You know that you don’t have to do that for us right?”

Chan’s eyes sadden. They lose some of their spark.

“You were forced to bury down your wolf side because of me. No let me finish.” He stops Minho before he has the time to contradict him. “Wolves are wild and free animals. You’re not meant to be caged.”

Minho looks down at Jeongin. He scratches his ears, watching as the wolf pleasantly expands his neck to give him more access.

“I want to give you back all the freedom you couldn’t have the past years. Whatever it is running in the snow, shifting in the middle of a practice, spending the whole day as wolves, or devouring meat at your heart content. I want you to do it all. I want to see all those sides of you that you had to hide from me. I feel like it’s only then that I will be able to say that I really know you.”

Minho looks at him. His eyes are glittering with unshed tears. Chan is thankful that the younger lets himself be emotional around him. After all, he’s Minho’s only hyung.

“You’re going to regret it. You might want to send us back to the wild, seven werewolves are a handful to take care of.”

“Not a chance.”

The sun sets in front of them, washing them with golden lights.

“This is so cliché.” Minho says in faked disgust.

Chan sighs. “We need to go back. They’re going to notice that the company is too quiet and that we’re not in the studios, practice rooms nor the dorms.”

He starts slowly shaking the wolves in his lap.

“C’mon pups. Time to wake up.”

They grunt but none of them moves.

“Chan.”

“Hmm?”

“You know that your wolves love you, right?”

Chan’s heart skips a beat. He turns to Minho who’s not looking at him. He blinks repeatedly, tears swelling in his eyes. “Suddenly?”

“I just realized that we never told you why we kept it from you.” He meets his eyes. Chan can see all the genuineness in his eyes. All the pain. All the guilt. “It’s not because we love or trust you any less.”

“I know.” Chan reassures with a smile. It’s true. Now, he knows. “You were trying to protect me.”

Absently, he caresses the scar on the back of his left hand. He wonders if remembering his mom will stop hurting one day. If the grief will ever heal. It’s been over a decade and yet…

Jisung lifts his head, eyes half open. He nudges Chan’s chin with his muzzle. Chan gently ruffles his head.  

Hyunjin lifts his, appealed. He whines, hitting Chan’s cheek with his muzzle until the leader has ruffled his fur as well.

Then Felix and Seungmin are up and Chan has to give them their shared amount of attention as well. Surprisingly, werewolves are very affectionate and clingy beings. Or maybe that’s just his pups.  

Jeongin grunts in displeasure against Minho’s belly and Changbin lifts his head to whine.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know my sadness stinks.” He apologizes, reaching for the picnic basket to hand them treats.

“Can we stay some more?” Minho asks, opening his mouth to accept the raw piece of meat coming his way.

Chan smirks. “I know some really good chalet close by.”