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It hurts, how gentle Fjords fingers are in his hair, loosening knots and tangles with a sailor's deft fingers.
It hurts.
Except... no, hurt is not the right word for this feeling, it’s too harsh, too sharp of a word. He struggles to think of the correct one, he can’t find it in Common and strangely Zemnian is failing him too. And it isn’t just the fingers in his hair, so so gentle and careful, it’s the press of Fjord’s thighs against his, the warmth of his chest on Caleb’s back. It all... it...
It aches .
That might the be word for whatever this feeling is, this hook in his chest that makes him want so badly to both lean into the contact and run away. He cannot remember the last time anyone was this gentle with him, the last time someone reached for him like this. And that was on purpose, he has spent the better part of his adult life since escaping the sanatorium avoiding people touching him, avoiding the chance of anyone getting too close. But now... now he aches with it.
It’s overwhelming, he wants to cry.
He wants to run from it, the hook in his chest and the fingers in his hair and the warm (so, so warm ) chest against his back. It’s terrifying.
He leans into it, tilts his head according to Fjords silent nudges, allows more access, more sparks along his skin. More hooks in his chest, hitching his breathing in a way that makes Fjord pause, if only briefly.
“Y’okay Caleb?”
“I— ja, I am sorry, I just—” he shivers, presses his head back slightly, seeking out the touch “it has... it has been a long time and—”
He cannot explain it, how do you explain this? This ache so deep in your bones, the desperate need for touch, the absolute fear of it.
Fjord hums, and it sounds like understanding.
The fingers move again, no longer de-tangling but now just stroking through his hair, gently, delicately. Like he is something precious, something fragile and worth caring for. It is terrifying, and it is the most amazing thing he has ever felt. Blunted nails trail down his scalp, ghosting sweetly over his neck and along his shoulders, and Caleb sighs, presses into it, he wants to cry. The hooks sink deeper, sharper into his chest and his heart stutters with it. He doesn’t remember closing his eyes, but he must have because when he opens them, he is looking up into Fjords, bright amber surrounded by dark sclera. Fjord’s expression is soft, his fingers trailing up and down Caleb’s arms now, over his shirt but still almost too much. He smiles, the tip of a tusk poking out over his lip and Caleb’s breath stutters again.
The ache comes in waves, he discovers, accompanied by a tug at the hooks.
“Do you need me to stop?” Fjord asks, his voice soft, too sweet.
“ Nein” it comes out too quickly, on a breath, and his cheeks warm “I—it is...”
He doesn’t know how to explain it, but Fjord only nods, hands moving up to card through his hair again. He brushes through it, slow and deliberate, before gathering it all off to one side and tucking it over Caleb’s shoulder. His hands move again, brushing over the bare skin of Caleb’s neck and then dipping under the collar of his shirt to his shoulders. It’s so much more without the barrier of his shirt, and Caleb shudders, his head tilting forward without thinking, grating more access, asking without words. Fjord hums and Caleb can feel the vibrations where they are pressed together, and maybe it is too much, maybe he is showing his hand, but the aching waves are rolling through him, and it is too good.
How long has it been since someone simply touched him like this? Not to hurt him, not to heal him, just to touch him. The hooks tug deeper, and he gives in to them, lets his body relax into the touch, lets the waves roll through and sighs with it. It aches, some part of his soul aches with this need to be touched, his nerves sing with it. Fjord... Fjord doesn’t question it, simply moves with the rolls of his shoulders, trails his nails along whatever skin he can reach, presses his thighs a bit tighter against Caleb’s. Fjord understands, something in Caleb’s mind whispers, he understands this aching. Caleb has gone so long being scared of closeness, terrified of touching, of letting others touch. But this... here, with Fjord, the fear has gone, soothed away. The ache remains, but it does not hurt.