Chapter Text
They say time will
Make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is droppin' on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
She is the best secretary in NY city - he can hear her in his head, NY City? Please, best in the world! – he isn’t suprised she has tackled, Rachel and Mike’s engagement party thrown by the firm, like any other task he asks her to do. (Would have, she’s not his secretary anymore)
It’s a classy get together, hot bar, good music, there’s champagne, there’re flowers and everyone seems to be content. Mike and Rachel look ecstatic and she looks happy. The three of them are deep in conversation with an IT guy, and he notices Donna’s hand linger a bit too much on his chest. The sting he feels throws him out of his game, because after a week, he’s used to be angry, to be jealous of Louis. Jealousy over her touching another guy, for the briefest of moments? that’s a new one. He later thinks if it really is, or he’s aware of it now, because she’s not longer in his life.
She is (was) the closest thing he had to a best friend, Mike points out in the middle of an argument when he’s sick of hearing him cutting around the bush but not really addressing the elephant in the room. And Harvey looks defeated, when he tells him to do something about it. But it doesn't last long, he recuperates quickly telling him to mind his own business.
She is the most amazing woman he knows, she is confident, loyal, smart, witty, and he could think of an endless list of adjectives that could describe what makes her what she is, he just wishes he had showed her properly, and sooner.
He is the best closer in the city, but he never closes deals that have to do with his personal life. Not as much or with his whole being as he does with his job. His job is his life, and he only had everything when she was by his side, now he has only half of it.
He misses her more than he thought he would, and while being angry because she left, he had understood why. Anger let room for sadness, and the raging feeling of being idiotic and stubborn, she gave him everything, he hadn't. Too scarred to listen to the thoughts he has been ignoring for the past 13 years.
He sees what Marcus has with his wife, and for the first time in his life he’s aware that he yearns to have someone that would be happy when he comes home, or someone to wait for. He doesn't want to put a name on the someone, even if he can picture her face perfectly well. As much as he wants it, he’s also too scared, too damaged. He promised himself he wouldn't be like his dad, not when it came to love.
“Denial is a freaking river in Egypt” He can hear Mike, and he’s so sick of these people that he have welcome into his life, taking over his voice of reason. “Caring is a weakness, the only thing you need to be is being the best at your job, make someone out of yourself, have fun, dreams can become nightmares so you just have goals” He tries to remember his old mantras, they don’t sound as right as they used to.
He stays for a while because his nephews ask him to, and he can’t remember the last time someone wanted him to stay. It’s the same reason why a week later he’s having drinks with Rachel and Mike, and he’s getting to know Rachel. Actually sees why Mike and Donna trusts and like her. She even makes him laugh. He notices that when she tells stories about Donna she doesn't mention her name, and it hits him, not only Donna cut herself from his life, but everybody around him is avoiding to bring her back in. They’re protecting her from him. The thought makes him want to vomit.
He excuses himself and goes back to his quiet apartment, a place that he can’t even call it home. He knows why.
There’s a blue dress that has always driven him insane, made him wonder before he could even stop his thoughts. It clings to her perfect curves, and brings out her eyes and her hair color, somehow it matches her perfume. Being in a closed space only with her while wearing that dress is plain torture. She’s saying something to him, they’re back to talking, about nothing, but at least there’s some normalcy back. And he can’t for his own life follow the conversation, he’s fantasizing about pinning her against the wall, stopping the elevator, kissing the freckle she has just below her right ear, having Jessica and Louis worry, call for maintenance, he doesn't care. She has been quiet for a couple of seconds and is looking at him, part worried, part amused and slightly curious “Sorry got distracted”
They part ways when the doors open and the normalcy he felt some minutes ago has evaporated.
Weeks pass by, and he’s buried deep with work, taking more cases than he should. Jessica’s surprised when he even takes a pro bono one, he says is simple. In his head he can hear Donna’s encouraging words, and in that moment he knows he’s stuck with her forever, she has left his mark on him. He doesn't need her anymore. He wants her.
“You’re in love with her” it’s Mike who says it out loud, but he knows that is Rachel talking. The fact that his associate and his protege talk about his life when he’s not there is a given, and it bothers and doesn't at the same time. “Mike” he’s warning him to drop whatever case he’s building up against him. Mike goes away after saying "You need to shave"
He’s about to yell at him to mind his own business, he doesn't need Mike stating (now) the obvious to know he won’t be able to sleep at night. He lifts his head from the files scattered on his desk and she’s standing in the threshold of his office and he wonders since when he can’t figure out she’s the one approaching, and why she’s not coming in.
“Hi” he stands as she speaks.
“Hey” She gives one step forward.
“Mike dropped these for Louis, but I need your signature” He grabs the papers, and walks towards his desk again.
“Harvey you can sign them tomorrow”
“I can do it now”
“Is not urgent, and you have had too much coffee” He smiles at that.
“Ah, yeah, the sloppy signature problem” He drops the papers on top of the many already messing up his desk. She’s already retiring “It’s late Harvey, go to sleep” She can’t help herself, he looks tired and she knows it’s not her place to send him home (or worry about him, not anymore, the lack of interactions or how silent he gets when she's there are answering the questions she raised when she left).
“I can’t sleep... I miss you” And that’s probably the most honest thing he had told her in a while. She smiles sadly at him.
“I’m right here Harvey” She walks away. Again. And he watches her retiring form. Again.