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It’s a Friday evening and Jongseong and Sunghoon are in the kitchen, cooking together. It’s one of those nights where the both of them are free from their academic responsibilities and the stress of being a college student, and so, they have decided to cook something together.
Jongseong had already noticed since earlier how Sunghoon had been uncharacteristically quiet, barely saying anything throughout the whole day and only giving him timid replies and forced smiles. However, Jongseong never said anything, knowing that Sunghoon will tell him if he wants to, and if he doesn’t, then that’s alright, too. Jongseong will still be here for him. Will still love him all the same.
Instead of asking Sunghoon what’s wrong, Jongseong decided to make jokes to lighten the mood, hoping that the other would understand what he’s trying to get across. I know you don’t want to talk about it yet, but I’m here, and I always am .
He hopes that he can at least help ease Sunghoon’s feelings by joking around and lightening the mood.
And for a while, it did work. Sunghoon occasionally gave him a tired smile whenever Jongseong would attempt to crack a joke over something, but the smile would never reach his eyes. It makes Jongseong worry, his eyebrows furrowing together unconsciously. It must be something really serious if even any and all of Jongseong’s attempts can’t get to his boyfriend at all.
What’s wrong?
It wasn't long after until Sunghoon finally let go of the words that Jongseong didn’t realise yet would soon come to haunt him for a very long time.
“We should stop.”
Jongseong freezes, slowly turns to look at Sunghoon with a confused look as if not understanding what the other is trying to say. And the thing is, Jongseong really doesn’t understand. Does he mean they should stop cooking? Or should he stop with his attempts at lightening the mood? What ‘stop’ is Sunghoon talking about?
“What do you mean?”
Sunghoon lets out a deep breath, staring back at him with eyes that are cold, almost as if Jongseong’s staring at the same set of eyes that he had laid on the first time he met Sunghoon. It’s cold and harsh, devoid of any warmth that used to be always there, reserved for Jongseong only. What used to be a season of spring inside his eyes solidified into winter, and it makes Jongseong wonder if he’s still looking at the same Sunghoon he’s always known. His Sunghoon.
What he says next makes Jongseong stop in his tracks, frozen.
“I’m sorry, I should’ve made it clear. What I mean is, let’s break up.”
And as if realising that that wasn’t enough, Sunghoon decides to add more salt to the wound. “As in stop this relationship. As in split. As in separate,” he says, still looking at Jongseong with only coldness in both his eyes and his voice. Again, Jongseong wonders if he’s still talking to the same Sunghoon he knows, because this one is so completely different from his boyfriend. Surely, this must be some kind of prank, right?
Except it isn’t, and Jongseong knows this. Knows that this was bound to happen at some point, especially when he started noticing how the happiness doesn’t reach Sunghoon’s eyes anymore every time he looks at Jongseong, how his ‘I love yous’ were starting to sound more like an obligation rather than a simple way of expressing his feelings, how he would hesitate for a mere fraction of a second before saying those three words to Jongseong.
But there’s a difference between knowing and knowing. Jongseong had always known that this would happen, but that doesn’t mean he was prepared for it already. Nothing could have ever prepared him from the heartbreak it would bring, shock taking over him, his whole world turning into the season of winter that might last forever.
He’s not ready to let go of Sunghoon yet.
Still refusing to believe the reality, Jongseong forces out a laugh—hoarse and desperate, trying to hold on to a thin thread when he knows it’s all just a futile attempt. You can’t save what’s already dying.
“You must be kidding. Ha ha. Funny joke, Hoonie, but I’m not falling for it.”
He expects Sunghoon to laugh. To break into his usual wide smile and say, ‘Okay, you won’ .
Instead, what he gets is a frown directed at him. A look of disbelief as if saying, ‘I can’t believe you’re still trying to make a joke out of this’ .
What Sunghoon says next slaps Jongseong hard in the face, forcing him to face reality.
“Do you think I would ever joke about something serious? Especially this?”
The forced smile on Jongseong’s face completely disappears, and suddenly he finds himself unable to say anything. He tries to say something, opens his mouth, closes it again when he realises he doesn’t know what to say. Hell, the situation isn’t even fully sinking into him yet.
“I’m serious, Jongseong. Let’s break up.”
“How?” It’s the first thing that comes out of Jongseong’s mouth, voice small and silent as if afraid that if he says it any louder, he will have to acknowledge the gravity of their situation. That this is not just some sick joke, and Sunghoon is actually serious about everything he’s said thus far.
“How can you just…say that? How can you just decide that you want to break up with me? Hoonie, you made a promise, remember? You promised me that you won’t ever hurt me, so why are you doing this now? Why are you breaking my heart?”
Sunghoon laughs, as if he couldn’t believe the words that just came out of Jongseong’s mouth.
“And what, Jongseong? Only make the two of us suffer more? Goddammit. Do you think I’m just doing this because I want to? I’m doing this because I have to! Because I don’t want you to stay in a relationship where the other doesn’t even love you anymore. You can’t be the only one giving and giving, and I can’t keep receiving love from you while knowing that I can’t give you the same. I don’t love you anymore, Jongseong, and you don’t deserve to be with someone like me who can’t give you what you deserve. Neither do I deserve to stay in a relationship that I’m not even happy about anymore.”
Jongseong prides himself in always being the bigger person in every situation, always trying to understand the other party whether they’re the one in the wrong or not. Especially with Sunghoon, Jongseong had always been the more mature one between the two of them. He’s always been the more understanding one between them.
But right now, he’s not sure anymore if he still wants to try being the bigger person. He wants to be immature. To be selfish. You’re the only thing in this world that I never want to lose, won’t you stay?
“I don’t understand…” he breathes out, voice thick with confusion. Jongseong had never felt so confused. He has heard what Sunghoon said, word for word entering his ears, but none of those he understood, and he’s not sure if he wants to try understanding them. He refuses to do so.
“What part of it do you not understand, Jongseong? That I want to break up with you? That I don’t love you anymore?”
“Stop…” Jongseong begs, voice small and desperate, broken. He tries to hold Sunghoon’s hands, tries to cling on to the only thing he never wants to lose.
But holding on to Sunghoon is like holding water. No matter how Jongseong desperately tries to reach for him and hold him in his hands, Sunghoon just keeps slipping away from his touch.
Sunghoon harshly removes Jongseong’s hand from him. “I know you know and understand everything that I’ve said. Why are you being so stubborn right now? You’re only hurting yourself.”
It was only a matter of time before the tears broke free, and Jongseong had never been good at keeping them at bay. Especially when it comes to anything that has to do with Sunghoon.
It starts out small and quiet, until it gradually turns into ugly loud sobs, so broken and filled with pain that even Jongseong failed to recognise that the sounds were coming from his very mouth, and not from someone else’s.
“Can’t you just stay, Sunghoon-ah? Even just for tonight? I just—I don’t want to watch you leave me, Hoon-ah, it’ll ruin me. I’d rather wake up tomorrow and find you not here anymore, because then, I wouldn’t have to watch you leave my life. It would hurt less to be left like that,” he tries to say in between sobs, voice thick with pain and desperation.
Jongseong is well aware of how pathetic he’s being right now, but he couldn’t care less about it. Who cares about his pride and dignity if the only person he cares for is already leaving him?
Sunghoon sighs, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. “You know I can’t do that, Jongseong-ah. It’ll only hurt you more. I don’t want to keep hurting you any more than I’m already doing.”
“Then why are you hurting me in the first place? Why are you leaving me?”
Sunghoon looks at him in disbelief. He opens his mouth, tries to say something, but what comes out instead is a scoff. He can’t believe Jongseong is being like this.
“Really, Jongseong? You’re gonna keep being stubborn?” Sunghoon asks, laughing in disbelief. He looks away from Jongseong, blinking away the tears that have started to form in his eyes.
There’s a moment of silence that passes them after that, and only then do they remember that they’re in the middle of cooking.
“Shit, it’s burnt already,” Sunghoon hisses, turning off the stove in a hurry. When he sees that there’s no way the food can still be saved, he sighs, deciding to just throw it in the garbage.
Great, so that’s another loss for Jongseong.
Sunghoon busies himself with cleaning up the mess that happened in the kitchen, and all while he cleans up, Jongseong is still stuck from where he’s standing, still trying to process everything.
And then finally, he speaks again, breaking the silence.
“I just don’t want you to leave me, Sunghoon-ah,” he says softly, looking at Sunghoon who stops in his tracks upon hearing Jongseong speak. Slowly, Sunghoon turns to look at him, and only then does Jongseong notice the tears in the male’s eyes.
Only then does he realise that he’s not the only one in pain right now.
Surely, this must be painful for Sunghoon too, right? Just because he’s the one that’s breaking it off doesn’t make it any less harder for him. He just happened to be the one that’s better at hiding his emotions between the two of them, and that’s exactly what he’s doing right now.
If the thought of Sunghoon leaving him was already painful enough, Jongseong realises it’s even more painful seeing Sunghoon in pain like this and knowing that he’s the reason behind it.
How could he be so selfish?
Suddenly, Jongseong starts laughing, taking Sunghoon aback.
“Sunghoon-ah,” he starts, a pained smile painting his face, “I’m so selfish, aren’t I? All this time I’ve been thinking of how hurt I am and how it would pain me to see you leave, but it didn’t occured to me that you could be in pain, too. That this is just as hard for you as it is for me.”
Sunghoon sucks in a deep breath. He looks up at the ceiling, trying to stop his tears, and it makes Jongseong’s heart ache at the sight of it. It hurts him to see Sunghoon like this, more than anything.
“I’m so sorry, Sunghoon-ah. I’ve only been thinking about myself without realising that this is just as hard for you too,” he says in a low voice, ashamed of his own selfishness. Jongseong looks down, stares at the floor instead. He can’t bear to see Sunghoon in pain anymore. Not especially when he’s the reason behind it.
“I’m sorry, Jongseong-ah,” Sunghoon says, because there’s nothing else to say, and because it’s the only thing he can say. He can’t trust himself to not break down if he says anything more.
“What are you sorry for, Sunghoon-ah? I understand you now. It’s alright. I’m—I’ll be alright, don’t worry about me.”
Jongseong looks up at Sunghoon, forcing out a fake smile, if only to reassure the other male. Whether they both knew that it’s fake or not didn’t matter.
After another moment of silence that has passed them, Jongseong speaks again, and this time, there’s no more bitterness in his words, finally accepting the reality. If Sunghoon can be brave enough to tell him that he wants to leave, then Jongseong can be brave enough, too, to let Sunghoon go.
(Even in their last moments together, it’s still Sunghoon that gives him the courage to be brave.)
“You can leave now, Sunghoon. You can leave me now,” he says, and when he smiles at Sunghoon this time, it’s a genuine one. He doesn’t know how he got the strength to smile in the face of heartbreak, but Jongseong is glad nonetheless. At least he can send off Sunghoon with a smile instead of a grimace.
Jongseong would be lying if he says it doesn’t hurt anymore. It still does, of course, and he thinks it’ll take a long time for the winter in his heart to melt into spring, or maybe it’ll never melt anymore and he’ll forever stay in winter, but it’s better this way, he realises.
Because he loves Sunghoon much too much and he can never forgive himself for putting the male in pain because of his own selfishness.
So maybe it hurts a lot, but that’s alright, because Jongseong can live with the pain.
He has to learn how to.