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And today he remembers, again, how to breathe in Erwin’s name. Same as the day before. And the day before that. Days and days and days. His promise to Erwin is the only thing that keeps him breathing, keeps him fighting, keeps him tethered to this fucked up nightmare of existence.
With some difficulty and a lot of pain, Levi struggles up to sitting and swings his legs over the edge of the narrow bunk. He sits for a moment waiting for the throbbing in his head to subside and the world to stop swaying, before he remembers that he’s on a boat heading south to Odiha. The throbbing is the noise of the engines, the swaying the movement of the ship. It’s a disconcerting sensation. Being at sea feels as improbable as flying to Levi, more so in fact, at least he’s used to flying with his gear. He stares ruefully at his mutilated hand, wondering how the fuck he’ll manage to wield his blade with two fingers missing. He’ll just have to manage, just as he’s always managed.
But before he can do anything, Levi needs to remember how to breathe, something he once took for granted, but which now requires monumental effort. Hanji has told him he needs to do breathing exercises every morning, explaining that the thunder spear explosion has wrecked his lungs, burning and scaring them inside. That’s why his breathing is so laboured and shallow, why the slightest effort leaves him gasping and wheezing; his lungs are a stiffened mass of scar tissue. Makes sense, his scars are about the only thing holding him together now. His scars and his vow.
Levi focuses hard and breathes in. His lungs rattle and ache. He holds his breath for a count of three, like Hanji told him, and exhales, a small puff of air leaves his lungs in a pathetic whistle that has him coughing and retching. Again. Rattling on the in breath, wheezing on the out breath. He feels like he’s suffocating and for a moment he can feel the panic rising.
Just focus on your breath, slow and deep as you can.
The words he hears are Hanji’s but the voice is warmer, calmer, deeper. Erwin. Levi closes his eyes and exerts all his will on coaxing air into his lungs. Breathe in, breathe out.
That’s good you’re doing good.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Good. Keep that going.
Levi focuses on Erwin’s voice, until the rattle and wheeze of his breath and the rumble of the engines, fades into the background. In, out. That’s all he has to do.
Good, you’re doing so well Levi. Try to hold it just a little longer.
Erwin’s voice is warm and reassuring, so familiar it’s like wrapping himself up in his old black jacket. As he breathes in Levi catches the faintest scent of cologne and ink and leather. Breathe out.
That’s it Levi. You can do it.
Breathe in, breathe out. Each breath is a little longer, a little deeper. The panic starts to subside, and he feels a little strength flowing back into his battered limbs.
There you are, the voice smiles.
Levi opens his eyes, surprised to find himself alone, and though the ache in his lungs has eased, it’s been replaced by an older, deeper pain. A pain that time has neither healed nor dimmed, that’s as bright and sharp as it was four years ago on that rooftop in Shiganshina. Sometimes when the pain gets too much to bear, in his face, in his lungs, in his hand, in his heart, Levi wishes that he’d never woken up after that damned explosion. But that’s just selfish, wishful thinking. He has a job to do and he’ll damn well do it or die trying. He owes it to them, to all of them. And most of all he owes it to Erwin. Levi sighs, the sudden involuntary in-breath causing a sharp stab in his chest that sets off another fit of coughing.
“Fuck,” he spits.
It’s only when the coughing subsides and he’s managed to catch his breath again that Levi realises the movement of the boat has changed and the engines have fallen silent. The ship has arrived in Odiha. Pushing himself to his feet Levi traverses the vast distance to the door of his cabin and out into the corridor, each step a herculean effort. His legs are shaking, and he has to cling to the handrail that’s bolted to the wall in order to stay upright, but he’s up and he’s moving and nothing is going to stop him. The door of the cabin next to his is open and when he looks in he can just make out Yelena lying in a cramped cot. Her face is pale and drawn but she appears to be awake and lucid. Her eyes widen in surprise when she sees Levi standing by the door. Levi says nothing, unwilling to waste his breath on her. He can hear movement on the deck above now. There’s a loud clanking noise and the ship rocks from side to side. Levi clings on to the rail until the movement subsides, sweat breaking out under the bandages that swathe his face. Before he can set off again, Armin appears, coming in the opposite direction. His face creases in alarm when he sees Levi.
“You’re being reckless,” he chides. “You still need to rest.”
His shirt is crusted with dried blood and Levi wonders vaguely whose it is. Marleyan? Yeagerist? One of their own? It doesn't really matter any more.
“You want me still in bed?” Levi rasps. “You’re going to forget I even exist if I rest any longer. Anyway that damn bearded lady with all the broken bones…? Her fever broke. She’s awake. Make her tell us where Eren is.”
Armin pauses for a moment, unsure of himself. “...okay,” he replies.
Another dim figure appears in the corridor, small, dark hair, Survey Corps greatcoat. Levi can’t see too well, his right eye is done for and the vision in his left is blurred. For a moment he thinks it’s Sasha, before remembering she’s dead.
“I’ll help. Nothing else to do.” The blurry figure speaks in a softly accented voice.
Pieck then. The Cart Titan. Seeing her wearing the Survey Corps wings makes something ugly twist in Levi’s chest. This is no time for his stupid shitty pride though. They’re all in this together now. Allies. If he’s going to kill that fucking monkey and stop Eren’s genocidal rampage he’s going to need all the help he can get. Levi nods, steadies himself, aware of Armin’s hand hovering on his shoulder. He takes a breath in, stands a little straighter.
This time Erwin, he vows, I promise.