Archive of Our Own

When he finally arrived home Joo-Won let himself into his apartment and shuffled out of his shoes while he hung his coat. Pants dropped into the laundry basket with a soft rustle as he undressed on the way to the shower. His shirt fell to the floor as he stepped in front of the mirror. The reflection that met Joo-Won made him sigh heavily and sag with disappointment. Sometimes he managed to convince himself that maybe they weren't that noticeable, that maybe in a dimly lit room Dong-Sik wouldn't even see them or they would be faint enough to not be able to tell what they were from. But he would see them, and he would definitely feel them under his hands. Joo-Won ran his fingers over the raised, neatly parallel lines covering his stomach and upper arms. Years of pain and habit created a braille of repressed emotions poured onto his body - the only place he'd known to put them.

He knew if he and Dong-Sik were going to continue this new, fragile thing that had started between them he would eventually have to tell him about the marks. Over and over he kept intending to, talking himself into it with promises he wouldn't be afraid this time, then getting scared of Dong-Sik's reaction and pulling away and shutting down instead. Apparently this was where caring about someone else's opinion of you and having poor communication skills got you. Joo-Won soured at his own cowardice that he bitterly judged himself for. The situation was so unfair to Dong-Sik, who deserved to be touched and held and openly cared for. The mirror reflected his determined expression as he swore that he would explain next time and deal with whatever the consequences were.

The doorknob rattled from how violently Joo-Won's hands shook as he let himself in Dong-Sik's front door. "I'm here," he called out, slipping off his shoes. As usual Dong-Sik quickly appeared out of the back to greet him. A bright smile met him as Dong-Sik approached and brushed a brief kiss to his lips. Joo-Won wanted him to continue and deepen it and hold him in his arms, but no, Dong-Sik thought he was uncomfortable with too much of his touch. A frown creased Dong-Sik's forehead as his hand passed over Joo-Won's arm. "You're shaking," he noticed with a question in his eyes. Joo-Won tried to smile reassuringly, but was pretty sure it was more of a grimace. "I need to talk to you about something," he forced himself to say before he could back out again. A flicker of fear came over Dong-Sik's face that turned to sad resignation, and he nodded and led them to the living room to sit on the sofa. 

Joo-Won wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, his heart beating so fast it made him feel nauseated. "I'm not breaking up with you," he started with due to the look on Dong-Sik's face. "No, of course not. Who would dump me?" Dong-Sik tried to brush off his own anxiety. "I want to explain why I keep pulling away when we kiss," Joo-Won said, his voice sounding annoyingly wobbly to his ears. Old springs creaked as Dong-Sik shifted and frowned a little in confusion, asking, "I assumed it was your mysophobia. Is it not?" Joo-Won shook his head, telling him, "You don't set it off at all." Dong-Sik looked surprised and pleased then worried in turn. "Is that just not something that interests you?" He asked hesitantly. Again Joo-Won shook his head. "I am interested, more than I can say," he said strongly, needing Dong-Sik to know how desired he was. Dong-Sik's look of relief was confirmation it had been bothering the man. 

After a brief moment of indecision Dong-Sik's hand reached for his, lacing their fingers together in a comforting grip. "You're shaking so hard," he murmured. "Why are you so nervous?" Trying to breathe evenly, Joo-Won's stomach churned with sickening anxiety. "I- I'm sorry, I kept planning to tell you why I wouldn't let things go further, but I'm a coward. I was too scared of your reaction," he confessed in a shaky voice. Dong-Sik scooted closer, releasing Joo-Won's hand to brush his cheek wearing a look of concern. "If you're not ready to talk about it-" Joo-Won cut him off, "I need to. I want to be able to touch you like I'm dying to." The words made Dong-Sik's eyes heat, and he nodded, waiting patiently for Joo-Won to gather his words. 

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Joo-Won debated how he wanted to go about it. "I didn't want to have to explain the scars you would see if we undressed," he started. The unexpected words made Dong-Sik's eyebrows shoot up, and he broke into a shocked laugh. "You are aware I've got quite a scar of my own," he said in disbelief. The poor comparison made Joo-Won wince with the knowledge of how much more shameful his situation was. His hands went to the buttons on his shirt, fumbling with them in his nervous state. Dong-Sik blinked in surprise, but didn't try to stop him. "I know you're scarred too, but you didn't give yours to yourself," Joo-Won whispered, pulling his shirt off with shaking hands while keeping his eyes fixed on the couch to avoid Dong-Sik's reaction. 

There was a sound from Dong-Sik like all the air had been knocked out of him. "Joo-Won ah!" He breathed out in a pained voice. A sting in Joo-Won's lip from his teeth digging into it helped him fight back the tears that quickly threatened to spill. Glancing up to check his reaction, Dong-Sik looked so horrified, and Joo-Won couldn't tell what kind of horror it was or where it was directed. The older man's eyes roved from scar to scar, clearly trying to process what he was seeing. The scrutiny made Joo-Won feel so vulnerable and exposed, and all at once it was too much. A small sob heaved out of him with a breath as a tear escaped his eye. Startled by the sound, Dong-Sik's eyes flashed to his, his face instantly softening. He pulled Joo-Won into his arms and kissed the side of his head. 

"It's okay, it's okay, Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik said softly. Rough but gentle fingers brushed tears from his cheeks with gentle care. Joo-Won caught even himself off guard with a sudden outpouring of words, "I know it's got to be a turn off. I know how awful they look. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so I can keep a shirt on while we're together if that's better. I don't want to-" Holding his face in both hands, Dong-Sik interrupted him using a brief kiss. "God, I'm not asking you to hide yourself, not ever," he said tightly. "I still want you just as much. You're still beautiful." Skin twitched as Dong-Sik lightly ran his fingers over the scars, but Joo-Won fought his discomfort to allow him his exploration. 

"When?" Dong-Sik asked. "When are these from?" "I started when I was a teenager at boarding school," Joo-Won answered, thinking of the lonely years when learning his mom killed herself was the final straw. Taking a deep breath like he was bracing himself for the answer Dong-Sik asked, "When is the last time you did it?" Joo-Won's heart rose into his throat at the question. The last thing he wanted was to lie to Dong-Sik, but it was one thing to say he'd had issues as a teenager, another to say he had them recently. "When I found out Lee Geum-Hwa died I relapsed," Joo-Won admitted, swallowing hard. Pain came over Dong-Sik's face until he looked like his heart was actively breaking, making Joo-Won feel guilty for causing him pain. "Joo-Won ah, was that the last time?" Dong-Sik asked.

No, Joo-Won was not admitting to that one. He looked away and nodded, hoping it looked convincing. A gentle hand on his cheek turned his face back toward Dong-Sik's. "Please don't lie about this," he pleaded, making Joo-Won cringe. Of course Dong-Sik saw right through him. He truly didn't want to be dishonest with him. A softly repeated, "When was the last time?" Shutting his eyes tightly, his chest feeling like there was a heavy weight on it, Joo-Won answered, "The night I found out about my father and realized how wrong I'd been, how badly I'd treated you." After their talk in the rain he'd gotten in his car and only made it a few miles before pulling over for relief. "Shit," Dong-Sik said under his breath. "I knew you were devastated but I was distracted by what I was feeling. I shouldn't have let you go home in that state." A small appalled sound escaped as Joo-Won opened his eyes in shock. "Are you seriously going to blame yourself? With what you were dealing with? Don't be an idiot!" 

While sad eyes followed their trail Dong-Sik's hands roamed his torso and arms, mapping out the scars with gentle touches. It felt like having him read his mind it was so intensely personal. "I didn't want to upset you," Joo-Won whispered, staring down at his hands. "But I didn't want you thinking I didn't want you either." "I'm glad you told me," Dong-Sik said softly. "Do you- Joo-Won, do you ever still want to?" Joo-Won paused before answering honestly, "Sometimes. But the therapy helps. Wanting to doesn't mean I will." Dong-Sik gathered both his trembling hands in his own steady ones as he spoke, "I need you to promise me if you ever feel that way again you'll reach out to me."

The request for a promise made Joo-Won balk at agreeing to put his problems on someone else. "But I have my therapist, so I don't need to put that on you," he rationalized, not wanting to weigh Dong-Sik down when it wasn't necessary. Warm amber eyes met his own. "It's not a burden. I'd rather be there than have you deal with it alone," Dong-Sik said sincerely. Tears leaked out at the words. Not being alone... A sob released itself from Joo-Won's throat, and he clapped a hand to his mouth as though to catch it and stuff it back inside where it belonged. Dong-Sik pulled Joo-Won forward to rest his head on his shoulder, rubbing the back of his neck with firm motions. Tension eked out as knots released under his fingers. "Can I ask -" Dong-Sik said hesitantly. "Why you started?"

Joo-Won fought to control his breathing enough to speak, and sat up to look at Dong-Sik, who slid their hands back together. "I thought something was wrong with me because my mom left me and my father couldn't even be in the same country as me. I thought it was my fault that no one loved me - that I must be broken or unlovable. My father was so cold and harsh, and I was expected to be perfect for him to show off. I was all alone in a strange country with no one to talk to, surrounded by racist kids. Then my mom killed herself and everything was too much," he explained. "Mostly it was that I was so fucking lonely. I thought I would always be alone. I just wanted to feel something else." Lips pressed softly to his forehead then cheek as Dong-Sik told him, "You're not alone anymore."

It felt like something in him broke wide open, light shining in where it had never touched. Years of bottled up feelings released in Joo-Won in a flood. Suddenly he needed in a way he never had before, with a throbbing ache in his chest like his heart was trying to escape and attach itself to Dong-Sik. Joo-Won grabbed hold of whatever part of Dong-Sik he could most readily reach and kissed him, his tears transferring to the other man's face. Dong-Sik was solid and real and warm where he gripped him, and miraculously he wanted him back. Soft lips molded themselves around his own as he deepened the kiss, desperately needing to taste Dong-Sik, to have him consume as many of his senses as possible. A calloused hand cupped his cheek, and Dong-Sik wrapped an arm around his waist as he returned the kiss like he craved it just as much.

"I need you," Joo-Won broke away to gasp, tugging Dong-Sik closer, needing him pressed against every inch of himself. Dong-Sik ran his hands up and down his bare sides soothingly. "I'm here, I've got you," he said into Joo-Won's mouth. The cushions weren't the most comfortable, but Joo-Won hardly noticed as he lay back and tugged Dong-Sik to stretch out on top of him. "Please, I need you to touch me," he begged, too desperate to feel ashamed of his neediness. Dong-Sik didn't seem to mind it at all, laying hungry kisses along his jaw as he pressed him into the couch with his weight. "I've got you," Dong-Sik murmured soothingly. Joo-Won's hands shook as they grasped at any and every part of Dong-Sik they could reach. Nothing had ever made him need like this before: like his heart would stop beating and lie still in his chest if Dong-Sik didn't touch him enough. 

Dong-Sik licked into his mouth so sweetly and tenderly it made his heart cry out in relief and the sweetest pain. Capable hands traveled over him, brushing through his hair, running down his sides, squeezing his thigh, resting on his chest, and cupping his cheek until Joo-Won felt as though there were more than two on him. In search of skin, he slid his hands under Dong-Sik's shirt, finding smooth heat. Dong-Sik kissed him slowly like it was their first kiss again, making his stomach flutter at the tenderness, brushing their noses against each other as they breathed the other in. Then, to Joo-Won's dismay, he was pulling away from his mouth. Dong-Sik shifted to drop a light kiss on Joo-Won's scarred arm. It felt for a moment as though his heart had frozen in his chest, his mind going blank. 

The scars were so ugly in Joo-Won's mind, nothing but ruined skin that surely no one would want to look at, especially while being intimate. After showers he tried not to look at himself until he was covered he was so disgusted by the evidence of his weakness. Yet Dong-Sik was kissing down one arm before switching to the other to do the same. Somehow he accepted all of him - including his worst parts and broken pieces. Tears filled Joo-Won's eyes again as Dong-Sik slid down to kiss his stomach. He touched him so gently, like he was something worth caring for, as he trailed his mouth over all the scarred skin. Confusion at the acceptance swirled through his mind as he blinked at the ceiling before looking down to watch Dong-Sik. 

Lips paused on a patch that wasn't neat and parallel like the others, but made up of deep, haphazard slashes that had clearly needed stitches they hadn't gotten. "What happened here?" Dong-Sik asked, brushing his fingertips along the ridges with sharp concern in his eyes. Indecision made Joo-Won pause for a moment before he chose honesty, not wanting to hide from Dong-Sik anymore. "The last time," he said in a thick voice. Dong-Sik looked at him then back at down the marks with clear concern. "They're so much worse than the others," he said in a heavy voice. Trying and failing to speak, Joo-Won choked down the lump in his throat. "I was so angry at myself that night. I've never hated myself so much. I wanted it to hurt," he whispered. 

Seemingly overcome by his words, Dong-Sik rested his forehead on Joo-Won's stomach, his breath warming his skin. Guilt threatened to rise in Joo-Won's stomach at causing him pain. Should he not have told the whole truth? Then Dong-Sik lifted his head and slotted his fingers between Joo-Won's, squeezing his hand tight like he needed the contact. "That's why you were so pale the next day," he realized. Joo-Won was startled to notice Dong-Sik's hand was trembling in his. "Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly, now really worried he'd confessed too much. Dong-Sik caught his expression and his red eyes softened. "I hate that you hurt like that. I hate that you hated yourself so much," he said. Then, knowing how Joo-Won thought, he added, "That doesn't mean I don't want you to tell me these things. I want to be here for you."

Somewhat reassured and relating to the feeling, Joo-Won slid a hand into Dong-Sik's hair, combing through it until Dong-Sik's expression relaxed. "I want to be here for you too," he said sincerely. "When you have bad days I don't want you to hide away alone like you do. I want to help or at least keep you company." Dong-Sik smiled sadly. "I guess we both need to work on letting each other help," he said, then looked back down at the angry cuts and dipped his head down to kiss over them as well. Joo-Won's breath caught at the sweet gesture. The need that had receded somewhat flared up again. "Dong-Sik ah," he called, tugging on the man's arm. Dong-Sik's warm eyes flicked up to meet his. "I want to kiss you," Joo-Won requested urgently, sparking a longing look from Dong-Sik.

Dong-Sik's hot mouth was soft but firm against his, kissing him deeply as though he was just as hungry for it. Small sounds spilled from Joo-Won as he angled his head to meet him just right. He wanted to be consumed by the taste of Dong-Sik until he'd forgotten every other flavor. Suddenly and urgently he needed to get rid of the barriers between them; to feel Dong-Sik so close they almost melded together. Joo-Won's hands fumbled blindly for the buttons on Dong-Sik's shirt until he could push it over his shoulders for him to shrug off and toss aside. The heat of their skin finally meeting made Joo-Won sigh with satisfaction as it warmed him to his core, Dong-Sik releasing a pleased sound of his own. Like he'd wanted for so long, he finally ran his hands over Dong-Sik's chest and stomach, exploring by touch as their mouths continued to work together.

Eyelashes fluttered as Dong-Sik nudged up his chin with a knuckle so he could kiss down his neck. Eyes drifted closed so Joo-Won could focus all his attention on the feel of the lips on his skin pouring devotion into him. Dong-Sik mouthed over every inch until he found each spot Joo-Won reacted to with pleasure. The older man explored him with a dedication to getting the most enjoyment possible out of it for Joo-Won. The intense search sent tingles through him. His breathing picked up as Dong-Sik sucked a spot into his skin where his neck and shoulder met. Joo-Won felt elated and relieved and disbelieving all at once that Dong-Sik still wanted him, that he wasn't disgusted or judging him as weak. It was irrational to have ever expected that though, as who could understand the desire to self-destruct better than Dong-Sik?

Dong-Sik raised his head, stroking Joo-Won's cheek and gazing at him for a long moment. "You're so gorgeous," he said in a deeper voice than normal. Joo-Won glanced down at his body and raised an eyebrow as though to ask whether he really meant all of him or perhaps needed his eyes checked. In response Dong-Sik placed a series of kisses right over his heart. In scattered thoughts Joo-Won wondered if he could feel the beating though his lips or feel that the heart was trying to reach for him. Did Dong-Sik understand that Joo-Won felt as though he'd handed him his beating heart to care for? A thumb brushed over the remaining wetness on Joo-Won's temple, where a tear had slipped out unnoticed. "All of you," he said firmly. Joo-Won's instinct was to protest, to dismiss it as empty pretty words, but he looked into Dong-Sik's eyes and saw his sincerity. He decided even if it didn't make sense to him he wouldn't doubt that Dong-Sik felt it. 

The tenderness from Dong-Sik when he was usually so joking and sarcastic stirred up an all-consuming hunger in Joo-Won. He'd never had tenderness before, or gentleness or sweetness or anything else that made him feel as though he mattered to someone. Now that he'd had some he felt starved for more, and desperate to gorge himself on the feast being offered. Dong-Sik stroked his arm with a worried look. "You're shaking. Is this okay?" He checked. Joo-Won shook his head then nodded, then groaned in frustration at his inability to articulate his emotions. "I'm okay. I'm just not used to this," he whispered. "To what?" Staring at the patterns on the ceiling Joo-Won swallowed before answering, "To someone caring for me."

With an under his breath whisper of "Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik gathered him in his arms, holding him close enough to feel each other's heartbeats. They lay nestled together on the couch, hidden from the world in the other's arms as the sun went down, lengthening the shadows in the room. More slowly than before their hands explored: tracing, smoothing, stroking everything in reach while exchanging slow kisses. Eventually Dong-Sik pulled his head back to kiss Joo-Won's cheek, combing a hand through his hair as he asked, "What do you want?" Overwhelmed by the options, Joo-Won only knew he needed more closeness. He shrugged helplessly. "I just want you to touch me and to come with you. Anything," he said, feeling a small shudder run through Dong-Sik. "Okay," Dong-Sik said into his mouth. "I'll take care of you."

Affected by the words and the touch, Joo-Won moaned as Dong-Sik slotted a leg between his and pushed it against his growing hardness. Shifting around, he tried to grind himself against it to get some relief from the aching he'd just become sharply aware of. Dong-Sik's eyes darkened as he watched his eager writhing with an intense expression. Although it threatened to rise, Joo-Won felt no embarrassment about his shamelessness because Dong-Sik looked so aroused by it. Pushing up to half sitting so he could meet Dong-Sik's mouth again, Joo-Won opened up as an invitation that Dong-Sik responded to with a small groan as he slipped his tongue inside. With a grip on his hip, Dong-Sik pressed him back to the couch, his own hardness rubbing against Joo-Won's thigh, making him gasp then release a shuddering moan. 

Grasping and tugging, Joo-Won ran his hands over Dong-Sik's back, needing him closer and closer with increasing franticness. "It's okay, I've got you," Dong-Sik released his mouth to say soothingly. "Need more," Joo-Won begged pitifully. Answering his plea, Dong-Sik's hand dropped to Joo-Won's fly. "Can I?" He asked, getting a certain nod. A shiver rippled through Joo-Won as Dong-Sik's fingers brushed his hardness as he undid his pants, patting his hip to lift up so he could tug them down with his underwear, and backing down the couch to pull them past his feet to drop on the floor. The air felt cold on Joo-Won's newly bared skin, enforcing how exposed he was. Being on display gave him chills that weren't from the cold. Dong-Sik's eyes roved his body hungrily, clearly admiring what he saw, licking his lips when his gaze lingered on his erection. Having Dong-Sik look at him like that made Joo-Won feel sexy and desired like being hit on never had.

Joo-Won sat up, his heart pounding so hard it made him dizzy when he moved too fast, and reached for Dong-Sik's pants with hands shaking so hard he could barely unbutton them. Dong-Sik stood up to quickly remove the rest of his clothes while Joo-Won watched spellbound and breathless. The man was absolutely gorgeous, by far the most attractive Joo-Won had ever found someone. Unable to resist, he squeezed himself for relief while he stared at Dong-Sik, almost euphoric from arousal. Catching the motion, Dong-Sik's eyes dropped to his hand and flared with heat. Then Dong-Sik was back on top of him, their hardnesses grinding together with nothing between them. It was absolute bliss. Exulting at finally getting the contact he needed, Joo-Won curled his toes in the couch cushions and let out a breathy moan. 

Dong-Sik looked down at him with an unbearable amount of affection mixed in with his arousal, looking utterly adoring in a way Joo-Won felt unprepared for. He brushed his fingers over Joo-Won's face and neck like he was trying to memorize and study his every feature. "You pretty thing," Dong-Sik breathed. Joo-Won slid his fingers into Dong-Sik's hair, scratching his nails lightly over his scalp as they rocked together. It was so much better than his own hand and imagination. The newness of the touch made Joo-Won reel from all the way it was different than what he'd pictured. He ran his hand down Dong-Sik's back until he gripped his ass and found it round and firm and as fit as the rest of him. Dong-Sik's warm breath hit his face as he panted and gasped. Ducking his head, he kissed and licked Joo-Won's neck and mouthed along his jaw until Joo-Won was floating and stomach burning. Throat hot where his mouth was and cold where it left behind moisture, Joo-Won felt shivers run down his back, making his eyelashes flutter. 

Dong-Sik's tongue was hot and wet on his throat. Joo-Won knew with anyone else he would find it disgusting, but from Dong-Sik it only made him harder, his fingers clenching in Dong-Sik's hair. Joo-Won writhed under him, needing more, more, anything, just more. "Shh, I'll take care of you," Dong-Sik soothed, his sweet promise only making Joo-Won more desperate. The offer to be looked after and not have to worry about anything made him feel almost frenzied with want. He stilled though, wanting to trust Dong-Sik, even as his legs trembled with the effort. Joo-Won released a soft "Oh!" of relief and amazement when Dong-Sik's hand slipped between their bodies to grasp them both together. "Is that good?" Dong-Sik asked, sounding as though he needed to hear Joo-Won confirm it. Wrapped in a firm grip that filled his lower belly with pressure and heat, Joo-Won nodded, his toes gripping the cushions. "So good," he whispered.

Propped on an elbow Dong-Sik stroked them together steadily while avidly watching Joo-Won's reactions. Seeking ever more connection with him Joo-Won pushed himself up to capture his mouth and lick into it, experimentally sucking on Dong-Sik's tongue until he groaned. Joo-Won was firmly pressed back against the couch by Dong-Sik's hand on his chest to give him room to move his hand. Working them at once, Dong-Sik's hand clearly knew what it was doing, squeezing them together so perfectly Joo-Won had to struggle for control of himself to not writhe against the stimulation. "You're so good," Dong-Sik murmured, gazing at him from under heavy lids. Dipping down to meet him, Dong-Sik kissed him deeply until he was the only taste Joo-Won knew. He gasped into Dong-Sik's mouth as the older man brushed his thumb over a nipple. Whimpers and moans spilled from his mouth as Dong-Sik pinched his nipple lightly then flicked over it, testing what Joo-Won liked until he was shuddering and trembling. 

Moving with confident expertise, Dong-Sik's hand continued to stroke them steadily with a firm grip. He started to thrust his hips into his fist, sliding against Joo-Won in time with his strokes, adding more stimulation. The press and grind of his hardness was something Joo-Won had imagined so many times. Overcome, Joo-Won released his mouth to tip his head back in ecstacy. "You're so beautiful, Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik said reverently in a hushed voice that sounded so strange when directed towards him of all people. "I want you so much. Want you all the time. I've never wanted someone like this." Every word seemed to shock Joo-Won's cock to higher sensitivity as it built up his need. Joo-Won clutched Dong-Sik's back and neck, hanging on for dear life as he was swept away by more desire than he'd ever felt until it was almost frightening. "Oh god," he cried out. "I've never felt like this." The words made Dong-Sik's hips stutter and his eyes widen. "Fuck," he hissed. 

Dong-Sik slid his hand under Joo-Won's head to tangle in his hair, cradling it sweetly to gently tilt Joo-Won's thrown back head down so he could look at him. "Joo-Won ah, oh god," Dong-Sik was suddenly more desperate than he'd been so far. "Have you never- Are you a virgin?" He asked, intensely searching his eyes as though hanging on the answer. Joo-Won felt himself flush deeply at the question, his ears and neck growing warm with shame. He hadn't planned on saying anything, but he also wasn't going to lie about it when asked. Cringing a little, he nodded slightly and hoped that Dong-Sik wasn't put off by his lack of experience and skill. Instead it seemed to drive Dong-Sik wild. He buried his face in Joo-Won's neck with a groan. With his hand on Dong-Sik's neck Joo-Won could feel his pulse speed up. 

"Joo-Won ah, Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik cried out, rocking his hips against Joo-Won's, making Joo-Won release a breathy moan. The grind burned him up as Dong-Sik kissed over his face with abandon, losing his control. "Oh sweetheart," he panted, making Joo-Won's hips jerk in shock and his heart jolt in his chest to hear the unexpectedly affecting endearment. "I'm the only one to touch you like this? No one else?" Joo-Won was awed by the realization that Dong-Sik was thrilled and aroused by his inexperience, rather than turned off. "I never felt comfortable enough with anyone else, not until you," Joo-Won answered out of breath. Dong-Sik combed his fingers through his hair tenderly, gazing down at him with such an adoring face Joo-Won almost felt he should look away as though it was something private he wasn't supposed to see. 

"I'll make it good for you," Dong-Sik promised. "I'll show you how good touch can be. I've thought about touching you for so long." His hand sped up slightly, Joo-Won now pushing into it in small thrusts with Dong-Sik. "That's it, just like that," Dong-Sik praised, as they found a rhythm of thrusting against each other. "Feels so good," Joo-Won gasped, clenching his hands in Dong-Sik's back, needing Dong-Sik to know that he was already fulfilling his promise. When Dong-Sik met his eyes they couldn't look away, completely lost in the other. Forcing himself not to close off out of fear and instinct, Joo-Won let his face stay open, his usual mask gone. Dong-Sik looked disbelieving that this was truly happening, that Joo-Won was letting him get so close. Had he wanted this just as badly, Joo-Won wondered. Perhaps he'd been depriving them both. 

Dong-Sik lightly brushed his fingers over Joo-Won's scarred upper arm. "You're not alone anymore," he breathed quietly. "I'm here." Joo-Won felt almost pained by the answering pang in his chest as his heart reached for its mate. It ached for a hand to reach in and soothe it. He burned so hot he half thought he might be the first true case of human spontaneous combustion. "Dong-Sik," Joo-Won choked out. "Fuck, you feel so good. I've been wanting you so bad. I've wanted this for so long. I think about this all the time." Gaze hot and tender, Dong-Sik stroked his face softly and thumbed his full lower lip. Hungry for anything Dong-Sik offered him, Joo-Won sucked the digit into his mouth and curled his tongue around it. He sucked harder when Dong-Sik's hips and breath stuttered and he cursed under his breath at the gesture. "God," Dong-Sik groaned.

"I've been going out of my mind wanting to touch you," Dong-Sik told him. "I've been getting myself off so much I feel like a teenager again." Joo-Won laughed, breathless with joy and the knowledge that he was desired. "I get myself off every time I get home after seeing you," he confessed. "I should've told you sooner. We could have done this so many times already." He felt frustrated at himself for letting his own weakness keep this from them. Recognizing his self-recrimination, Dong-Sik shook his head and told him, "Don't be hard on yourself. I understand why it was hard to talk about. I hope you know you can always tell me those things. I know I joke a lot, but I wouldn't make a joke out of something like that."

Joo-Won responded by kissing Dong-Sik as tenderly as he knew how with his hand curled around the back of his neck with his thumb in his hair. Their hips continued to rock steadily - not enough to get them off, but just enjoying the feeling for the time as they drew it out by unspoken agreement. Joo-Won kissed his thanks into Dong-Sik, his appreciation of his support and kindness, his amazement at being treated so well, and his promise to treat Dong-Sik the same for as long as he'd have him. When they parted Dong-Sik smiled softly down at him with the same gaze he'd had when Joo-Won read him his rights. His eyes looked a little dazed, giving Joo-Won a flare of satisfaction that he could have that effect. "Here, come here," Dong-Sik murmured. He sat up and settled against the back of the couch, gesturing for Joo-Won to sit on him. 

Fire coursing through his veins at the position, Joo-Won slung a leg over Dong-Sik to straddle him. Gripping Joo-Won's ass in one hand, Dong-Sik took them both in hand again. Joo-Won took advantage of the convenient new position to hungrily lick a stripe up Dong-Sik's throat, then kiss along his jaw that had distracted him so many times. Once he'd traced it all the way around he sucked blooming marks onto his throat. The skin under his tongue didn't repulse him or make him want to clean his mouth. It was a marvel how comfortable he was. Dong-Sik groaned quietly when Joo-Won sucked just behind his ear lobe. Joo-Won desperately wanted to drag more sounds of pleasure out of him and get reactions from the man who always got them from him so easily. "I want to learn how to suck your cock," he whispered roughly into Dong-Sik's ear, getting a much louder groan. Dong-Sik's hand sped up on them, prompting moans in unison. Cock twitching in his grip, Joo-Won's chest heaved at Dong-Sik's hand palming and squeezing his ass. 

"You- you want it in your mouth?" Dong-Sik asked with understandable disbelief. "I bought condoms. We can do it however you need." For that Joo-Won had to kiss him out of appreciation for his thoughtfulness and tolerance of his issues. "I don't want one. I want to taste you," he confessed. Widening in shock, Dong-Sik's eyes were wild and wanting. "Joo-Won, god, I want to taste you too," he said roughly, his grip on Joo-Won's ass growing close to his center. Joo-Won used the couch under his knees as leverage to thrust harder into Dong-Sik's hand in a rhythm with Dong-Sik's rocking. He locked his arms around Dong-Sik's neck and clung to him as he brought himself closer and closer to climax. "I want everything with you. I want to make you feel so good," Dong-Sik said in a voice tight from trying to retain control of himself. 

"I didn't know I could want someone this much," Joo-Won said, almost frantic with need. Their foreheads rested together, occasionally catching their breath enough to brush lips. His fingers tangled in the short hairs at the base of Dong-Sik's head, whose hand left his ass to wrap his arm securely around his waist. Underneath his arousal his eyes were affectionate and soft watching Joo-Won enjoy himself. "It feels good, doesn't it?" Dong-Sik asked as though wanting Joo-Won to share in the experience with him. Joo-Won buried his face in the crook of Dong-Sik's neck and cried out as his hand squeezed them tighter. "Oh fuck, I'm getting close," Joo-Won groaned, clutching at Dong-Sik's shoulders. Dragging his lips along his shoulder, Dong-Sik roved his hand over his entire back. "Let me take care of you," Dong-Sik said softly, making Joo-Won melt against him.

"I didn't know touch could be like this," Joo-Won said desperately, holding onto Dong-Sik as he felt as though he was at risk of getting swept away by the wild waters of his intense need. He was being bombarded with so many pent up and unfamiliar feelings he could barely keep track of his thoughts. "It's so much," he whimpered, nuzzling his face into Dong-Sik's neck. Ever sure in his movements, Dong-Sik squeezed the back of his neck as he rubbed his thumb over the head of Joo-Won's cock. "Let go. It's okay. Let me take care of everything," Dong-Sik whispered reassuringly. Joo-Won stopped fighting against the feelings and let it all sweep over him, knocking the breath out of him. 

"Oh god I'm going to come," he whined desperately into Dong-Sik's neck. He felt Dong-Sik's cock twitch against his own. "There you go. Come for me, Joo-Won. I've got you. Make a mess on us," Dong-Sik said tenderly. Then Joo-Won's hips were jerking, thrusting and he was soaring, groaning in Dong-Sik's ear and digging his nails into his shoulders. It felt like he was flying through the ceiling, floating over the house. His hips jerked into Dong-Sik's fist, spilling onto his hand and their stomachs. Utterly drained and spent, he slumped against Dong-Sik, too satiated to care about the sticky cum smearing between them. As he came down Dong-Sik stroked his hair and whispered sweet praises that made Joo-Won shiver when they registered. "So good for me... Such a sweet boy... That's it sweetheart."

Joo-Won leaned back shakily to look at Dong-Sik, who looked almost beside himself with arousal, his pupils blown and breathing hard. Determined to get him off himself, he pulled Dong-Sik's hand away from himself to replace with his own. Joo-Won bit his lip and focused on Dong-Sik's cock like it was a puzzle to solve or a test to ace. At first he tried stroking it the same way he did his own, but Dong-Sik liked it quicker than he did, Joo-Won soon discovered. He cupped and lightly squeezed Dong-Sik's balls with his other hand, winning a moan and hands clenching on his hips. Eventually he found the right rhythm, eagerly alternating between watching Dong-Sik's face and his cock. It was intoxicating to Joo-Won to watch the head of Dong-Sik's cock slide through his fist, slick with Joo-Won's own cum for lube. There was a heady kind of power in being able to please him like this. All Joo-Won wanted in that moment was to make him feel good.

"That's it, that's perfect," Dong-Sik said hoarsely, gripping Joo-Won's thighs. He rested his head against the back of the couch, the exposed line of his neck too much of a temptation for Joo-Won to ignore. He kissed his throat and the side of his neck, then worked his way down the center of his chest. Scooting back for room, he bent over and sucked Dong-Sik's nipple into his mouth, making his hips jolt. The nipples were small and dark and utterly delicious to Joo-Won. He laved his tongue over one then flicked it, quickly learning Dong-Sik liked it best when he licked the flat of his tongue over it or softly sucked it. As he tugged on Dong-Sik's balls, Joo-Won switched sides, taken by surprise when Dong-Sik thrust hard into his fist and spilled on himself and Joo-Won's hand with a groan. 

Captivated by post-orgasmic Dong-Sik, Joo-Won brushed his bangs off his sweaty forehead as he came down. Dong-Sik's eyes fluttered open at his touch, and with a small smile that crinkled his eyes he tugged Joo-Won into a lazy, messy kiss. Joo-Won distantly thought he should be grossed out with both their come on his stomach, his hand covered in Dong-Sik's, and the kiss mostly wet tongue. Instead he felt thoroughly satisfied and thrilled by the intimacy and dirtiness. "How do you feel?" Dong-Sik released his mouth to ask, his eyes warm and pleased. Caught up in his gaze, Joo-Won played with the hairs at the base of Dong-Sik's head. "Happy," he answered with a small smile. "Close to you," he said with a nudge of their noses. "Dirty," Joo-Won gestured to the come on his stomach and hand then bit his lip and smiled shyly. "In a good way though," he confessed under his breath. 

Smile disappearing into admiration and endearment, Dong-Sik gripped his hips to tug him closer. "God, you're the sweetest thing," he whispered, kissing Joo-Won's cheek then lifting his hand and sucking a cum covered finger into his mouth. Joo-Won released a small surprised sound of arousal at the sight and feeling. "You like feeling dirty?" Dong-Sik breathed excitedly as he released the digit before dragging his tongue over it for good measure. Joo-Won nodded, flushing with self-consciousness at the admission, but recognizing how much Dong-Sik enjoyed it. "Only for you," he clarified, using the knowledge that Dong-Sik was wild about being the only one to touch him. Dong-Sik gripped his ass firmly, bringing to mind dirty images. "That's right, just for me," he confirmed softly, tracing Joo-Won's lower lip with his thumb. "No one else gets to see this side of you." 

With a low hum Dong-Sik licked off another of Joo-Won's fingers. "You made such a mess of yourself, didn't you, you dirty boy?" Dong-Sik asked in a praising voice, his eyes dark and aroused even though he couldn't get hard again. Joo-Won made a small helpless sound, and pressed his face to Dong-Sik's shoulder embarrassed by how intensely turned on he was by Dong-Sik's words. "It's okay, Joo-Won, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Dong-Sik said quietly, stroking his back. "It's just us. We can like whatever we like." Joo-Won took a shuddering breath and pulled back slowly, pushing down his self-consciousness. Dong-Sik cupped his face and gazed at him with open adoration. "There you are," he said with a soft smile. 

"You're so fucking sexy," Dong-Sik told Joo-Won. His grip on Joo-Won's ass was so close to his hole it made Joo-Won reflexively clench at the thought. God, he wanted everything with this man, including things he never would have dreamed of being comfortable with before. Dong-Sik's breath audibly hitched as Joo-Won shifted against him. They looked down together at Joo-Won's cock that was already mostly hard again. "The benefits of being young," Dong-Sik commented jokingly. Then more seriously he traced Joo-Won's lip and asked, "Do you want to come again?" Knowing Dong-Sik wouldn't be able to get off again, Joo-Won quickly answered, "You don't have to do anything." Dong-Sik gave him a knowing look. He trailed his fingers over Joo-Won's cock, making him shiver at the light touch. 

"Joo-Won, do you want my mouth on you?" Dong-Sik asked. The offer made Joo-Won's breathing speed up. Not wanting to ask for too much, he still stumbled on an answer though, so Dong-Sik added in a soft voice, "I want to taste you so bad. Will you let me?" At the clear desire in his voice Joo-Won released a breath and nodded. "Let's see if you taste as good as you look," Dong-Sik said. Joo-Won climbed off his lap and hesitated, waiting for Dong-Sik to say how he wanted him. Standing as well, Dong-Sik took him by the hand to lead him to the bathroom to clean the cum off them before it dried, then went to the bedroom. They stopped by the bed for Dong-Sik to nip at Joo-Won's lips then lick over the indentations. With Dong-Sik's hands on his hips his thumbs brushed over Joo-Won's scars. Feeling them, Dong-Sik released his mouth to look down at them, his face growing grave. 

Joo-Won shifted awkwardly as Dong-Sik thumbed at his scars with an expression that said he was thinking deeply. "You really haven't ever had someone care about you, have you?" Dong-Sik asked, sounding like he was almost thinking out loud. Unsure whether it was a rhetorical question, Joo-Won stayed silent. "Why me?" Dong-Sik suddenly asked, meeting his eyes with an unnerving intensity. "You've never let anyone touch you, but now I'm allowed to. Why me?" Joo-Won was thrown by the unexpected question, but tried to gather his thoughts enough to answer, as Dong-Sik seemed to truly not understand. "You've seen the worst of me and you're still here. And I've seen the worst of you," Joo-Won clumsily explained. 

Dong-Sik nodded slowly and asked, "But why do you want me? I'm a broken man who's a lot older than you." The way he spoke of himself made Joo-Won frown with displeasure. "You're the kindest person I've ever met," he answered seriously. "You somehow care about people even after all you've lost and how you've been treated. I don't know how you do it. I think you're amazing for it. You still have it in you to trust after being betrayed. You make me laugh even on days I feel like shit." Joo-Won hesitated before adding, "You're the kind of person who isn't put off by your partner butchering himself." Joo-Won cleared his throat and addressed Dong-Sik's other points, "And I'm clearly broken as well, and I, um, I really don't mind that you're older than me." He hoped his blush didn't give away just how much he didn't mind it. 

Dong-Sik's eyes shone, possibly with unshed tears. He scanned Joo-Won's face for a minute before kissing his cheek affectionately. "You don't mind my age, huh?" Dong-Sik asked with a twitch of his lips, and stepped so close his forehead almost touched Joo-Won's. "Do you like having an older man take care of you?" He asked teasingly. Joo-Won jolted and felt his face burn furiously at the accuracy of the question and being found out. He looked away as Dong-Sik's hand ran up his arm, his neck, and into his hair. "I'll show you all the things you haven't gotten to experience," Dong-Sik whispered. "Because I need to take good care of you, don't I baby?" Joo-Won gasped then whined at Dong-Sik's words that felt like too much and not enough, boiling him alive.

"God, look at you," Dong-Sik said in an awed voice. "You need me so much, don't you?" Joo-Won breathed unsteadily and nodded jerkily with a hard swallow. "Lie down," Dong-Sik instructed with a quick kiss to his forehead. Joo-Won lay back against the pillows, giving himself a squeeze to relieve some tension. Watching his hand with dark eyes, Dong-Sik climbed on top of him. "Aish, so impatient," he teased, tugging Joo-Won's hand away from himself and ignoring his pout. With a firm but gentle grasp he opened Joo-Won's legs to lie between them. Joo-Won let out a sigh of contentment at having Dong-Sik's weight on him again. Underneath him he felt secure and warm and safe. Settled comfortably, Dong-Sik kissed him thoroughly - something Joo-Won couldn't get enough of. The more he got the more he seemed to want. Dong-Sik was a good kisser, paying close attention to what Joo-Won responded to.

Dong-Sik's mouth left his as he slid down, taking one of his nipples into his mouth. Joo-Won groaned at the wet heat enclosing the sensitive nub and Dong-Sik's tongue teasing over it. It was hard to process that Dong-Sik was putting so much effort and focus purely into his pleasure. After both his nipples had been licked and sucked into tight peaks Dong-Sik kissed down his front, mouthing down his stomach like it was no different than the rest of him. "It doesn't bother you?" Joo-Won couldn't help but ask. "Putting your mouth on them?" He knew how unattractive the scars were and how much they detracted from his appearance. If he were Dong-Sik he would ignore them, touch around them. They were ugly reminders of how damaged he was - not exactly a turn on. Dong-Sik kissed a scar and looked up at him. "They're part of you," he said simply. The sudden lump in Joo-Won's throat made it hard to swallow. 

He reached for Dong-Sik's hand on his side to squeeze it, trying to communicate all he couldn't say. Dong-Sik squeezed back, and drew Joo-Won's hand to his mouth to kiss his knuckles before he continued his journey downward until he met Joo-Won's hair. Instead of putting his mouth where Joo-Won wanted he scooted further down the bed to kiss the inside of his thighs. Joo-Won shifted impatiently, needing more and needing it right then, his want already back in full force. "Please," he breathed. Dong-Sik hummed against his leg. "Is there something you want?" He teased. A crease appeared between Joo-Won's eyebrows. "I need more," he pleaded, unused to the hunger that threatened to completely consume him. It was frightening in a way - to feel so intensely when he was used to pushing his feelings down. It felt like it could make him lose his mind or crush him in an avalanche. "Breathe, Joo-Won," Dong-Sik's voice cut through the anxiety. 

At his words Joo-Won realized he was breathing rapidly and shallowly, his hands tingling from lack of air. "Are you alright?" Dong-Sik asked, stroking Joo-Won's hip lightly. His eyes were softly concerned on Joo-Won's face, asking whether he should back off. Joo-Won gripped the hand on his hip as an anchor. "I'm not used to feeling so much," he tried to explain. Dong-Sik kissed his palm, his eyes sympathetic on Joo-Won's. "You can let it happen. I know it's new. I've got you," Dong-Sik said softly. Reminding himself he was looked after, Joo-Won let himself relax in Dong-Sik's capable hands. He could actually rely on someone else now. It was a heady realization. "Dong-Sik," he murmured softly in amazement. Dong-Sik's eyes lifted to meet his, his mouth pressed to his leg. 

"I want your mouth on me," Joo-Won breathed, thrilled with the way Dong-Sik's eyes darkened at hearing him verbalize it. Dong-Sik ran a finger up the underside of his cock, making him lightly shiver. "I'll show you how great blowjobs are," Dong-Sik promised. He laughed softly to himself. "You'll want them all the time after this if I do it right." "I already do," Joo-Won confessed, thinking about how much time he spent watching Dong-Sik's mouth with an urgent hunger. Then he wasn't thinking anything at all because Dong-Sik's hot mouth was wrapped around his tip and working its way down. The wet suction was like nothing he'd ever felt. Joo-Won distantly heard an embarrassing whine spill out of his mouth, having no control over it. 

Dong-Sik's mouth fully engulfed him, seemingly having no trouble at all holding him inside. It was the most glorious, holy, delicious thing he'd ever felt. Joo-Won's hand instinctively buried itself in thick curls to anchor himself. Dong-Sik began to slowly bob his head, giving a hard suck to the tip every time he rose up. Every sink of his cock back into that wet heat was the most exquisite relief. His hands held Joo-Won's hips, brushing his thumbs softly over the skin. Dong-Sik pulled off and held Joo-Won's cock in one hand to lick into the slit, drawing a hiss from Joo-Won at the unexpected feeling. "Oh my god," Joo-Won groaned at the sight of Dong-Sik's tongue dipping into him again. He plunged his tongue in like he was trying to get inside him. Joo-Won knew he would remember the image until the day he died. "You taste so good," Dong-Sik rasped, making Joo-Won shiver as chills wracked his body. 

Joo-Won was intensely curious about Dong-Sik's expression of genuine enjoyment of what he was doing. Was it really that satisfying when he wasn't getting anything in return? Dong-Sik actually groaned as he bobbed his head again. His tongue rubbed along the underside of Joo-Won's cock until Joo-Won's toes curled in the sheets. He carded his hand through Dong-Sik's hair as his breath hitched and moans spilled out. As Joo-Won bent his knees to plant his feet on the bed, Dong-Sik immediately slid his arms under his legs so they hooked over his shoulders. It thrilled Joo-Won how they were tangled together so intimately. It grew increasingly difficult to stay still as Dong-Sik's expert mouth drew more and more pleasure from him. Joo-Won shifted and fought the urge to writhe and thrust as he was plunged into that amazing heat again and again. 

Dong-Sik gripped his hips and flicked his eyes up to meet Joo-Won's. Joo-Won gasped and clenched his hair tighter at the amber eyes on his as that wicked mouth gave an extra hard suck and a flick of tongue under his head. "Oh Christ it feels so good," Joo-Won gasped out. Dong-Sik's eyes looked smug and pleased with himself, but Joo-Won couldn't be too annoyed by that, as he had good reason to be and had earned the right. Dong-Sik got to work with an unrelenting rhythm, now in clear pursuit of Joo-Won's peak. Joo-Won's head rolled back as his hips bucked into Dong-Sik's mouth of their own accord. Dong-Sik didn't seem to mind, making a satisfied sound in his throat and even encouraging him upward with hands on his ass. Joo-Won wanted to stay wrapped in that sarcastic, snarky, lovely mouth forever. 

Joo-Won clenched the sheets and Dong-Sik's hair, feeling hotter and harder than he'd ever been. He'd had no idea it could feel like this. God, why hadn't they been doing this longer? He wanted to live with Dong-Sik's mouth on him. When Dong-Sik chuckled around his length he realized he'd said the last part out loud, but Joo-Won felt too good to be embarrassed, swept away on a rapid river of arousal. His hands began to shake as they gripped, his legs trembling so hard Dong-Sik grasped his thighs in his hands to steady him. The heat flooding his stomach flared up to an almost unbearable degree as he neared the end. "I'm close," Joo-Won gasped out a warning, unsure how Dong-Sik preferred to finish. 

Dong-Sik simply kept going, his sultry eyes meeting Joo-Won's again as though to encourage him on. It was almost too much: being captured by his gaze and mouth at once, pinned to the bed by the force of both. Joo-Won brushed his fingers over Dong-Sik's face, feeling his open jaw and stretched lips before combing through his hair again. His eyes fluttered shut, his breathing growing rapid and uneven as he felt his balls tighten. Then he was jerking in Dong-Sik's grasp, burying himself fully in that welcoming mouth to spill down his throat. Dong-Sik swallowed around him, dragging his climax out and milking him of remaining spunk. Utterly finished, Joo-Won sank limply back onto the mattress, his legs weakly falling open. He felt like an overcooked noodle, his thoughts a muddled mess. 

Joo-Won was dimly aware of Dong-Sik kissing up his body to his face before stopping short of his mouth. He felt his warm body tuck into his side and an arm slip around his waist. Struggling to move, Joo-Won opened his heavy eyelids to look at Dong-Sik, who appeared content and pleased with himself. Joo-Won sought out his mouth, getting a muffled sound of surprise as Dong-Sik clearly hadn't expected him to be comfortable with a kiss after where his mouth had been. They kept their lips soft and relaxed as they kissed deeply, slowing down into something sweet and tender. Joo-Won felt a pang of affection shoot through him - a feeling that was still so new. He hardly knew what to do with it each time it welled up. He needed somewhere to put these new feelings, and the only option seemed to be to put them in Dong-Sik, but Joo-Won was woefully inexperienced at expressing affection. 

"That was amazing," Joo-Won whispered sleepily, pressing himself against Dong-Sik with a deep sense of contentment. "Mm I agree," Dong-Sik said, not even sounding like he was joking. Joo-Won rolled himself to face Dong-Sik and hugged him loosely around the waist. "You really enjoyed it?" He asked, even as he felt silly for needing the assurance. Dong-Sik raised his eyebrows with a small laugh. "Did that not come across?" He asked teasingly. It had come across. When Dong-Sik wasn't messing with him he was someone who wore his emotions openly on his face. Yet Joo-Won always wound up second-guessing his perception of things since he wasn't exactly great with people. He figured he should be honest about those things as they built a relationship, so he did his best to convey to Dong-Sik how his mind over-thought and tossed doubts in his way. 

Joo-Won certainly hoped Dong-Sik had enjoyed himself. In the future he was definitely going to want more of what they just did, so he'd much prefer Dong-Sik feel eager to do it. Dong-Sik carded his fingers through Joo-Won's hair, making his eyelashes flutter. "With anyone else I'd think they were fishing, but you really don't understand how much I want you, do you?" Dong-Sik observed accurately. Joo-Won chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought. He could see the desire on Dong-Sik's face - see that he enjoyed making him feel good, but what he saw clashed dramatically with the image he held of himself in his mind. How could what he thought he saw be real when it was so hard to imagine someone wanting him like that: not just for his body, but for who he was? It was easier to believe he was delusional than that Dong-Sik wanted all of him. 

Dong-Sik stroked his back with firm passes that relaxed Joo-Won into the mattress. Joo-Won didn't want to sound whiny and self-pitying, so he struggled over how to communicate those thoughts. "I do, you know," Dong-Sik broke through his thoughts. "Want you, that is. More than I've ever wanted anyone." Joo-Won searched his face, finding only open warmth and honesty. Which was real - what he saw and was told or what he believed was possible? "What are you thinking about so hard?" Dong-Sik asked. Joo-Won cringed a little at the idea of sharing. He didn't need to dump his self-esteem issues on Dong-Sik. An innocent kiss was placed on his cheek, and Dong-Sik's thumb brushed over the spot as though to rub it into his skin. "You can talk to me," he encouraged quietly. Joo-Won took a deep breath and squeezed Dong-Sik's waist for comfort. 

"I see that you look like you want me and you say you do, but it's so hard to wrap my head around. If you were just attracted to me I would understand that, but wanting all of me - that doesn't make sense. No one ever has wanted me for who I am before. I always figured I was the common denominator, that I just wasn't someone who could be liked or cared about," Joo-Won explained haltingly. Then he rubbed a hand over his face and sighed, "Dammit, this is why I didn't want to say anything. I sound so self-pitying." Dong-Sik curled his hand around Joo-Won's and held it to his chest. "I guess we both need to work on that," Dong-Sik said. "I sure as hell don't understand what you're doing here with me when you could do so much better."

Joo-Won frowned sharply at the assumption. "There isn't anyone better," he said strongly. When Dong-Sik snorted and tossed him a look that told him to be serious he spoke more urgently, willing to spill in the face of Dong-Sik's self-doubt, "You're the reason I'm even able to get this close to someone. You treat me so well. How could there be someone better than that? What, someone younger? Richer? More successful? I don't care about any of that. The fact that you're even able to be kind and trust people after everything is amazing, and I want that in my life. What could possibly matter more than that? I've gone my whole life without any of this, but with plenty of success and money and opportunities, and I know which I need more of. You have what I've been missing. So don't think I could do better."

Dong-Sik looked astonished by his outpouring, and Joo-Won was even thrown off guard by it himself. His vehemence and openness had caught him by surprise, but he meant every word he said. "But - but I don't give you any of that," Joo-Won realized despairingly all at once. "I'm not good at showing that I care or being affectionate or comforting people." His chest ached dully with the contrast between himself and Dong-Sik. He had shut himself off from people - from love. He was too weak to risk getting hurt, while Dong-Sik had the guts to love people after all he'd lost and the repeated betrayals. His eyes stung and his throat thickened as the fact settled in his mind that Dong-Sik deserved so much better. 

"Sh, shush," Dong-Sik gentled him like he was a wild animal. "You think what we just had together wasn't a gift? I've had twenty years of meaningless hookups. Joo-Won, even if you have trouble saying what you feel sometimes, I could feel it. I know what cold, impersonal sex feels like, and that wasn't it. You make me feel so much. You make me feel something besides pain and misery. You gave me this, something wonderful, after everything. I never thought I would have something like this. You're a fucking ray of sunlight." He cupped Joo-Won's cheek as he looked into his eyes with an intensity of emotion that felt like staring at the sun to see. "You give me everything," Dong-Sik finished with. 

Joo-Won let out a heavy gust of air, realizing he'd been holding his breath through the speech. The conviction in the older man's voice struck him wordless. He buried his face in Dong-Sik's neck, which quickly led to him pressing his lips to it again and again in devotion. Dong-Sik's hand firmly stroked his back. "Breathe, Joo-Won," Dong-Sik murmured in his ear. Joo-Won realized his nails were digging into Dong-Sik's skin as he shivered uncontrollably. He'd experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions that day it was overloading his body that was so used to him suppressing such things. "Sorry, sorry," he whispered, rubbing over the half moon indentations to smooth them away. "Hush, you don't need to apologize," Dong-Sik reassured him. 

He tugged Joo-Won's head back to examine his face. Joo-Won felt agitated by the emotions that were causing what felt like a traffic jam in his head. He clung to Dong-Sik like the man was a life raft at the center of the storm of feelings. "What do you need?" Dong-Sik asked, softly brushing his hair back repeatedly. Joo-Won nudged his head into the soothing feeling and lost track of the question. "Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik smoothed a thumb between his brows. Joo-Won opened his eyes slowly and watched Dong-Sik's face watch him back. "I don't know how you're real," he thought out loud. "You're too good to me to be real," Joo-Won sighed, nuzzling his face into the hand in his hair. Dong-Sik frowned, telling him, "Your standards aren't high enough." 

It twisted Joo-Won up inside when Dong-Sik put himself down, especially because it brought to mind the many times Joo-Won himself had thrown harsh words his way. "Or maybe you don't see yourself accurately," Joo-Won countered. A shiver wracked his body, pushing him to cling closer to Dong-Sik and breathe in the smell of his skin. Dong-Sik rubbed the back of his neck and made vague soothing noises. "I'm sorry. I'm bringing things down, aren't I?" Joo-Won said with a sharp laugh. Dong-Sik's brow furrowed as he sighed and shook his head. "Stop apologizing, Joo-Won," he said gently but firmly. "I realize you've committed the terrible crime of having feelings, but you don't need to feel so bad about it. I'm personally glad you're not a sociopath." A laugh bubbled out of Joo-Won's throat before he'd realized it was coming. 

"Is it all the touch?" Dong-Sik asked. "Was it too much at once?" Without even having to think about it Joo-Won shook his head. "I mean yes, the touch is a lot for me, but that doesn't mean it was too much," he insisted. "It's more how good you are to me. It's overwhelming. You've been kinder to me today than anyone in the rest of my life put together." That made Dong-Sik's jaw clench and his hand pause on his neck. There was tightly controlled tension in his face for a moment before he let out a heavy breath and made Joo-Won's stomach swoop by kissing between his eyes. "Every kid should know what it feels like to be loved," Dong-Sik said seriously. Trying to dispel the tension and deeply uncomfortable with pity, Joo-Won shrugged and dismissively said, "Well not everyone does. Besides, I had plenty of other things." Dong-Sik pursed his lips at that, looking like he wanted to say something but not wanting to argue. "It's okay to say you should have been treated better," he spoke almost warily, as though worried about running Joo-Won off. 

The suggestion made Joo-Won furrow his brows. "It seems ungrateful to complain or expect more when I had so much others don't," he replied. "Mm, but not the most important thing," Dong-Sik responded. There was nothing to say to that, so Joo-Won shifted his attention to drawing patterns on Dong-Sik's chest. A hand grasped his wrist and angled his arm so Dong-Sik could look at the scars on it. "Promise me you'll talk to me if you need to," he reiterated. When Joo-Won started to remind him that he already had, Dong-Sik seemed to read his mind adding, "Don't tell yourself you'll be a burden or let guilt keep you from it. I want you to not deal with it alone." Only honest care showed in Dong-Sik's eyes, so much that Joo-Won kissed him to avoid looking at it. "I promise," he whispered as he released his mouth. "Good, because even if you don't care about yourself, if you care about me then what matters to me should matter to you, and you matter to me, so you have to matter to yourself," Dong-Sik said. It took a second for Joo-Won to wrap his mind around the riddle-like words, but once he did they made a strange amount of sense. 

"Well that means the same applies to you," Joo-Won responded smugly, Dong-Sik paused open-mouthed as though to protest, then realized he couldn't without weakening his own argument. Exhaustion  set in all at once after two orgasms and an emotional conversation. Dong-Sik chuckled as Joo-Won's face was split by a yawn. "Get some sleep. I'll get up early with you so we can have breakfast together before you go to work," he offered, leaving a light kiss on Joo-Won's lips. Joo-Won tugged him back in for more, sucking on his lower lip then licking into his mouth to brush the tips of their tongues together in delicate kisses. Eventually he sank his head onto the pillow with a sigh of disappointment at having to stop. "You can have more any time," Dong-Sik whispered, pulling the blankets over Joo-Won. "I always want to kiss you, so you can do it whenever you want." "You too," Joo-Won murmured with a soft smile before closing his eyes. His last thoughts were that Dong-Sik had accepted him, and that he was safe and cared about.