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One weekday morning, the four gods and one Widdle Wodent of the HoloCouncil were summoned via emergency beacon to the lair of the secret society that secretly controls the government at the highest echelons of power.
“Council!” said the dark CEO Laplus Darknesss (not a typo), perched atop her throne of greed. “We have an important task for you!”
“Yes, my dark!” Most of the council managed to say in unison. Bae was a little confused.
“The Sandy Claws hath been kidnapped!” Laplus waved her arms, still too short for her sleeves.
“Oh nyo.” Fauna gasped, “and Crimbus is only a few days away!
“Yes, and without the Sandy Claw’s coarse guiding, chelipedal appendages, there's no way to get gifts to all the good little boys, girls, nonbinary juveniles, agender monster spawnlings, and neonate A.I. programmed to believe in morality!” She waved her sleeves in the air. “Who will ensure that traditional morality is reinforced by material reward if Crimbus doesn't have its Sandy Claws?”
“Is it us?” Sana asked.
“Oh, goodness, no," Laplus said. She glanced aside and made a smile. “Could you imagine? No, we’ve determined it’ll be easier just to take out the demon responsible. So, uh, “ She slapped her sleeves together. ”Chop chop you Five!”
“Four,” Kronii said, with a pointed look towards Bae.
And the one Widdle Wodent pouted, “What? I’m coming too!”
“No, Bae, you’re too young,” Sana said. She kneeled down to pat Bae’s head.
“I can still help!” Bae pouted.
“I do take it as a habit to send the five of you out all at once,” Laplus said, She idly waved her hand ,”So that way if you all die there’s nobody left to seek revenge for my negligence.”
“Uhhhh,” Fauna began,
Mumei interrupted. ‘Oh, that Makes perfect sense!”
“Besides this is a metaphysics situation, which means it’s in your guys's domain,” Laplus gestured to her analyst, who pulled up a hologram of a tanned woman with heterochromia, cackling madly while wobbling from side to side, “The perpetrator appears to be a demon.”
“I think she’s a Nephilim,” Bae pointed to the dark halo around the figure, “So she’s only half demon.”
“The percentage of demonyness in a Nephilim can vary, and this one seems to be almost entirely demon,” Laplus said. “Our files say she has never been virtuous enough to receive a present from the Sandy Claws, which makes us suspect this nefarious plot is for revenge!”
“Now, the good news is that she hasn’t seemed to have figured out how to corrupt the power of Crimbus to her side, but it's only a matter of time before she does so.”
Laplus turned to the Council. “The bad news is she has summoned an army of Demins in the meantime, and their tenebrous onslaught across the domain of man is itself an existential threat. So, I’m gonna need you to defeat that whole army while up there.”
Bae blinked, but the rest of the Council nodded solemnly and accepted their heroic task.
And so the HoloCouncil paradropped onto the arctic ice shelf, where the sun was a shy ball of reddish light peeking over the horizon behind them.
And greeting them on the ground were a battalion of Demins, which the Council handily dispatched.
Fauna released her love (well, ‘love;) spores, Kronii stabbed them with her sword and Mumei surgically lacerated their trapezius muscles to prevent them from fighting back while preserving their ability to feel pain, and Sana gigantified to 4x her human size and then sat on them.
Bae hugged her backpack as she wandered through the remains of the battle. Fauna, Sana, and Kronii were huddled over a map while Mumei was mutilating the corpses.
“Um. What are you doing?” Bae asked Mumei.
“Just double tapping everyone while Fauna figures out where we’re heading,” Mumei said offhandedly.
“Isn’t the destination just the north pole?” Bae looked north, into the darkness.
“Yes, but there's a best path to the Crimbus Workshop that changes with the weather, which we need to figure out,” Mumei explained between stabs.
“C’mon Bae,” Kronii said, from the huddle, “Shouldn’t you know this if you wanted to tag along with us?”
Bae puffed out her Widdle Wat cheeks.
And a soft buzzing noise in the distance heralded a flying screen on a box carried by the kind of drones the North Pole uses for its deliveries.
The Council gathered together as the drone deposited the screenbox in front of them.
And the screen turned on and the Nephilim of fear started pontificating theatrically, waving her arms in the air as if she didn’t care.
The Council save Bae gritted their teeth and posed, so show their intent to defeat the evil overlord-
But after 7 seconds of the Nephilim silently gesturing, Fauna scrunched her mouth to the side and folded her arms.
“Oh, uh,” Fauna said, “I think you might be muted? We can’t hear you? Unless you’re just posing?….”
“Not to knock posing,” Kronii added.
The nephilim froze, mid gesticulation, and then leaned to the side to fiddle with some controls just off screen.
After another three seconds, she looked satisfied and returned to the center of the screen-
And continued silently pontificating, waving her arms. In the air, in a manner that evoked nihilism.
“You’re still muted,” Sana said, “Do you have the right permissions on your device? Or maybe your microphone isn’t plugged in?”
“Are you on an iphone or an android?” Kronii added. “Or are you on desktop?”
“If it's desktop you can try using the app instead of the in-browser version,” Fauna said.
And the Nephilim made an ‘oh come on’ articulation with her mouth before setting the screen to a loading screen. Bae hugged her backpack and glanced around at the rest of the Council.
And then the Nephilim appeared on screen again. ““Hello? Test, Take two-”
“Take three,” Baelz said.
“Oh we can hear you now,” Fauna said.
The Nephilim narrowed her eyes and frowned. “Take two ,” she said. “And- <ahem>” And she cleared her throat. “Ahahahha~! You may have defeated my lowly Demins, but you’ll never stop me, the dreaded IRyS, from my nefarious Crimbus designs!”
“Did- did you just call us to brag?” Bae said. She earned some ‘well duh’ looks from the rest of Council.
The Nephilim named, apparently, Irys, shrugged. “Well, sure, I’m ultimately doing this to absorb the power of Crimbus to kill god and become Jebus, but I'm also just trying to have fun with it, you know?” She waved her arms like a muppet. “And what's more fun than RUBBING MY VICTORY IN MY OPPONENT’S FACES?!”
“But you didn’t have a victory-” Bae tried to interject.
Sana smiled a big, open-mouthed smile and held up a finger. “Rubbing something else in our faces?”
Irys’s expression flattened. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that-”
“What~?” Fauna touched her cheek, “She could have been been referring to sunscreen, you can’t judge~”
Irys’s expression flattened even more. “Were you? Were you referring to sunscreen?”
Sana opened her mouth, and then closed her mouth, and then grinned.
“Anyway, the point is moot, villain!” Kroni said, to keep the flow going. She posed heroically. “We’re going to defeat you and restore monetary rewards for virtuous behavior for the sake of all the good little boys, girls, nonbinary juveniles, agender monster spawnlings, and neonate A.I. programmed to believe in morality!”
“Hahaha, I’d like to see you try!” Irys said, as per her role.
And then the Amazon™ MK27 drone carried the screen box away, and the Council started the long arctic trek towards the secret workshop at the north pole.
They walked single file into the ice sheets. Fauna led the way, bundled in heat-retaining non-animal-product clothing. Sana followed behind her, since the further north they went the more relevant astral navigation became. They were both barefoot but managed because of their fabulous magical powers.
Kronii followed Sana to be available for consulting, because knowing the exact current time was important to accurately read a star charts. Mumei pulled up the back so she could more easily sneak away for nefarious purposes and the rest of the Council could claim plausible deniability.
“Ih. Bluh,” the Won Widdle Wodent squeaked out as the marge trudged on into the darkness.
“Daww, here,” Sana circled back and then kneeled down. “Come ride on my back?”
“No! I can do it myself!” Bae squeaked out. “But- thank you… “
Fauna scrunched her mouth to the side. “I suppose we can take shorter strides so you can keep up more easily. You’re making sure to step in our footsteps?”
“Literally following in our footsteps, huh,” Kronii said. She frowned, but she did adjust her gait to better accommodate Baelz.
“And hey, just be thankful we’re not heading to the *East* pole.” Sana said, to lighten the mood.
Fauna nodded. “Yeah, the Easter bunny is a lot scarier.””
And then as they approached the North pole the HoloCouncil saw the barbershop pole spires of the Crimbus Factory-
But also, the telltale hunting signs of abyssal servant’s more terrible than mere Demins.
The Council steeled themselves, bracing to fight the DeMAXes.
But when Bae turned around she noticed that Mumei wasn’t there.
A hunt. Fur-skin sloughed in frost and chill, moon-eyes glinting in the evernight of polar winter, the terrible warrior-hunters of the the somnolent abyss wriggled and writhed with the blasphemous undulations of the shadows of the glimpses of the untold tenebrous depths Rotten. Frozen. Slough and tangled, shriveled hearts and fetid, with swollen bodies. They welded ash-blacked weapons under pale claws, moving like unmoored ghosts seeking their designated prey of five.
And as they approached their quarry their formation turned unsteady, their numbers less than they should have been-
As one by one, the pack dwindled in sudden flashes of silent cruelty, as Predator became prey and hunter became the hunted and strength turned out to be a false god in the face of the accumulated propensity of civilization's barbarity.
White fangs. Red eyes. A soft, lost voice, calmly singing in the stillness, were the last visages each hunter glimpsed, before sudden oblivion took them.
The last of the warriors found itself alone, against the amalgam of humanity’s terrible imagination for inclement callous violence.
And far from dignified death in battle, it felt only-
Pain
In its last moments, an unending cacophony of the Injustice of the senses, as it looked into hollow eyes as darkness ferried off its inhuman coil.
“Huh, I didn't realize DeMAXes could feel fear,” Sana said to the fleeing abyssal entities. The surrounding area of the Crimbus Factory was blotched with patches of red-stained snow and the whistling permanight winter air was occasionally interrupted with howls of animalistic fear and pain.
“It's not fear,” Mumei said, softly, “it’s a rational response to the learned stimuli, that is me.”
“Oh, you missed one,” Bae pointed to one of the deMAXes, impaled on some kind of meat hook spike thing.
And Mumei finished up whatever she was doing to one of the bodies, and then stalked over to the staked things.
“Oh, no, this one I’m keeping as a souvenir,” Mumei’s voice came, under her mask. Its throat emitted some kind of noise as Mumei tilted her head and smiled, and gently patted what remained of the monster’s facial tissue. “Look how cute it is~~.”
Bae hugged her backpack and made an awkward smile and scurried over to the rest of the Council.
And then they entered the giant obsidian doorway to the Crimbus Fulfillment center. the ethereal manufactory at the top of the world where the Sandy Claw’s minions created all the toys.
The Council traversed obsidian stairwells down to the carved underchambers set into the ice. The reds and whites of the default Crimbus color scheme were slowly being corrupted by violet, black, and white, but a slightly different color white to ensure a visual design difference.
Another drone carried a video box, and Irys's appeared on the screen.
“Hahaha,” Irys said, “You may have defeated my Demins and deMAXes, but NOW you must face my most powerful minions- my DeHarmonicMeans!”
“Actually,” Came a gravelly voice of the abyss, “We saw what happened to the deMAXes. You’re on your own.”
“What?” Irys yelled, “No! What did I summon you for!”
“To cause chaos and corruption,” came the voice, “Not to die.”
“Die horribly,” A separate but similar gravely abyssal voice said.
And the hulking forms of the DeHarmonicMeans arrayed behind Irys left the screen.
“Give it up, Irys!” Kronii posed heroically in front of the screen. “This is your last chance to peacefully return the Sandy Claws, so that it can deliver all the toys to reward good little boys, girls, nonbinary juveniles, agender monster spawnlings, and neonate A.I. programmed to believe in morality!”
“Oh, I still have one trick up my sleeve~” Irys said. And she sighed and turned away from the camera “I guess that means I need to activate my final trials early.”
“Final trials?” Bae said, “What’s that-”
“Oh, the Sandy Claw’s has a proprietary defense mechanism that ensures only the worthy can enter the final chamber,” Fauna said. “Irys must have corrupted it.”
“But we’re US,’ Kronii said, “So obviously we’re going to pass any trials we face.”
And they walked further into the area.
Where a glowing orb sat along in the middle of the room.
“Alright, trial time!” Sana said.
“Um,” Bae hugged her backpack, “Are you sure we should willingly walk into a trap? Even if we know it’s a trap, that doesn't mean we’re necessarily prepared to face it-”
And in a flash of light powered by the defense mechanisms of the Sandy Claw’s, the Council was transported to separate prisons.
(Something something descriptions)
Fauna found herself at the base of a mountain, but a weird kind of mountain, sometimes composed of junk, sometimes in impossible geometries. At the top, just out of sight, Fauna could see a glowing hexagonal door decked out in boughs of holly.
And at her feet was-
And sledgehammer and a cooking pot.
“There's no feeling more intense than starting over…” began an obnoxious Australian voice.
“Oh nyoooooo,” She growled, before opting to just climb the damn mountain with her bare hands.
“Ah, is this the test?” Mumei said into the quiet void, containing only a road and a car. “This is trivial.”
Mumei pulled out her knife and stabbed down parallel to the window at the driver’s side, above the lock, in order to twist the cylinder enough to pop open the lock.
She climbed into the driver’s seat and jabbed her knife to pry open the ignition cover and cut out the stator assembly. She inserted her knife into the steering column and twisted the ignition switch to start the engine.
And she put the car into drive and she drove down a meandering void road towards the end of her assigned dungeon until in the distance she could see a hexagonal glowing door, decorated in the season to be jolly.
And when she got to the parking lot-
“OH COME ONNNN, “ Mumei cried out, as every available parking spot had an errant shopping cart in it. Mumei revved the engine and screamed as she ran them all over.
Kronii found herself in a dark room, surrounded by void. In the distance there was a hexagonal glowing door donned with gay apparel, but in between Kronii and the door, was a full-length mirror.
“Oh, hello there, gorgeous~,’ Kronii said to her reflection. She posed, to get a better look at the enchanting beauty in the mirror.
“So I noticed, you were on the,” Irys sighed, ‘Naughty list.”
Sana blushed slightly, “Yeah, that checks out-
“So,” Irys gestured to a St. Andrew's Cross, “Here you go. I’ll come by every so often to punish you.”
Sana giggled, slightly, and then put on the blindfold and strapped herself into the torture devices.
And Irys sat at the center of the Crimbus Fulfillment center, secure in her victory.
“Ahahahhaha!” Irys cackled maniacally, as the HoloCouncil save one was trapped in their own metaphysical torments.
And her dark heart swelled with accomplishment, and also the power of Crimbus that she was slowly leaching from her captive sand-covered crustacean.
But then, right as her victory was complete, she noticed-
“Oh, who are you?” Irys said to the small looking rodent looking girl hugging a backpack to her chest. She started checking over the naughty list to see which Council member she missed. (She knew she should have checked it twice.)
“I’m, um,” the rodent said, “You can call me Bae, if you want.”
“Well, Bae,” Irys said, “I’ve already defeated your friends; what could you possibly do to save Crimbus, hmm?”
And Irys started charging up her magic as Bae kneeled down and pulled out her backpack off her back and set it down in front of her, to unzip it and then pull out-
A small box, wrapped in red and black and white dice-themed paper, with a bow on the top.
Bae smiled and held it out towards Irys. “Here you go!”
Irys blinked.
Irys blinked again.
“I, what?”
“This is your Crimbus present!” Bae said. She puffed out her cheek and looked at the wall. “When Miss Darknesss (not a typo) said you never had gotten presents before I felt bad so I tried my bestest to get your something you’d like!”
Irys blinked a third time, and she felt something weird happen inside her chest.
“Is…, this a trick?”
“Nope!” Bae said. She smiled. Her teeth were pointy. “That’s a different holiday you're thinking of, silly!”
Irys scrunched her mouth to the side and eyed Bae, and then the present, still held out in Bae’s little mousey hands. Irys snatched the box away in one motion, real fast, and turned her back to Bae.
And Irys held the box to her ear, she shook it around a little bit.
“This is a bomb,” Irys said, but she didn’t have any basis for the conclusion. “That’s what the trick is.”
“Nooo~” Bae said. She held her hand to her mouth and grinned, mischievously. Her teeth were pointy. “You’ll have to open it to find out what it is!”
And Irys set the box down and ripped open the wrapping paper with her demon claws and then lifted the lid of the box to discover-
“It’s a Dolly!” Bae said, excitedly. She waved her arms in the air.
Irys looked into a weird patchwork doll looking version of herself. It had two button eyes (of different colors that almost but not quite.
“I have one too, of myself,” Bae rummaged through her pack.
To pull out a weird red triangle with a face and long spindly arms.
“They can be friends and we can play together, if you want?” Bae said.
“Ummm,” Irys said. “I’ve never played dolls, before.”
Bae gasped, theatrically. She grabbed her face. “You haven’t?!?”
Irys furrowed her brow. “I’m a demon, obviously I haven't played dolls before.-”
Well, technically, she was a Nephilim but it wasn’t like there had ever been any appreciable angelic part of her.
“Then we should have a tea party!” Bae rummaged through her backpack again to pull out a small table and a porcelain tea set.
“Well, I drink coffee,” Bae pulled out a thermos and started pouring it into the teacup, “But I can also make tea, too if you want-
“Aha!” Irys snatched the teacup, “So that’s your game.”
Bae blinked. “Yeah, it is a tea party game-“
Irys brought the teacup to her eyes. “So what nefarious poison were you going to trick me into drinking, huh? Acid? Poison? Acidic poison?” Irys sniffed it, but could only detect coffee with a little bit of milk, and no sugar. “Licorice?!?”
“Ewwww, no!” Bae took the cup and then blew on it, a couple times, before taking a sip. “I mean, technically coffee is a poison for small animals meant to overstimulate their hearts, but, this here is just a latte.”
Irys scrunched her mouth to the side. “Well, I guess I’ll have one then. But, um.”
Bae paused, and looked up at her, expectantly, with Wide Wodent eyes-
Irys turned to the wall and rubbed the back of her head. “Can… I have some sugar in mine?”
“Sure!” Bae said. She poured Irys a cup, and added sugar, and then blew on it three times before holding it out towards Irys. “Careful, don’t drink it too fast or else your mouth will get hurty.”
And over the course of the night, Irys played dolls with the first person who’d ever offered to play dolls with her, with the first doll she had ever received.
And over the course of the night, Irys’s heart steadily ached more and more, as it grew three times in size over the course of a few hours, but she was a supernatural being so it was survivable.
Until near the end, when Bae was becoming less coherent as her drowsiness set in.
Irys realized her claws were no longer claws-
And when she looked into her reflection in her cup of coffee, that the black halo above her horns was lighter.
Eventually, Bae fell asleep, slumped over on the obsidian tile of the factory at the top of the world, hugging the dolly version of herself under her chin, snoring softly and innocently.
Irys stood up and walked to the factory’s control panel, and released the Sandy Claws from its prison.
When Bae woke up, she realized there was a violet blanket draped over her.
And there was Irys, still holding the dolly of herself that Bae gave her.
And also there was a Giant sand-covered crustacean, bundled in a white fur trimmed red jacket and pants with a broad buckled belt,
Bae rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stood up, off the floor.
And the Sandy Claws ambulated towards Bae.
“ Skreeee ,” screee’d the Sandy Claws. Bae shook its arenaceous appendages and smiled.
“You’re welcome,” Bae said. The Sandy Claws nodde, and then ambulated towards another chamber.
“I’ve released the presents, and I've already banished the Demins and DeMAXes and the DeHarmonicMeans,” Irys said. “So it looks like all the good little boys, girls, nonbinary juveniles, agender monster spawnlings, and neonate A.I. programmed to believe in morality will get their presents on Crimbus morning after all.”
Bae clapped her hands. “Yay!”
“But, uh,” Irys rubbed the back of her head, “Do you… still want to be friends…?”
“Of course!” Bae jumped on her heels, excitedly. She reached out to touch Irys’s hand and tried to look her in the eyes, but it looked like even though she was slowly becoming more angelic by percentage, she was still shy. “I'm happy I became friends with you!”
“And, actually, um,” Irys said, “I wondered, if maybe, so I could remember you-” Irys made a grimace and glanced at her dolly. “Maybe we could trade Dollys?”
“Oh! That’s such a good idea!” Bae said. “Take good care of Bae: Triangle Edition for me!”
“With all my being,” Irys said.
And Bae hugged the Irys dolly to her chest.
And then an alarm beeped at Bae’s hip, which meant it was metaphysically, the start of the new day.
“Oh, finally!” Bae said. She stepped back to find an open area, free of things to break.
Irys looked at her, with some concern-
And the sound of a dice roll echoed in the air, with no discernable, tangible source.
And Baelz floated up in a pillar of light and then in a flash-
“Wohoo!” Bae said, flexing her newly aged up body. “Looks like today I'm 327! Boom Boom!”
Irys blinked. “What?”
“Oh, my age changes every day, based on a random die roll,” Bae said. “That’s why the rest of Council was worried about me yesterday.”
Irys tilted her head to the side. “How old were you yesterday?”
“19,” Bae said.
Irys blinked. “Wait, what?”
Bae smushed her lips together. “Well, how mature were you when you were 19?”
Irys glanced at the wall. “Point”
Irys coughed into her fist.” Well. Um, does, everything, that we said still apply!”
“Yeah!” Bae hugged the Irys dolly to her chest. “Lets stay in touch!”
And Bae, herself, felt a little giddy and lightheaded, and excited to get back to her computer and start sharing memes and anime with her new friend, as she left the giant obsidian doorway of the Crimbus Fulfillment center.
And three steps into the snow, she felt she was missing something-
“BAEEE!!!!” Four gods of the universe screamed, from their respective metaphysical prisons.
Omake:
“Congratulations!” Laplus said, “You’ve saved Crimbus!”
“All in a day’s work!” Bae said.
Laplus Darkness (not a typo) cackled. “Now, our organization can attempt to harness the power of Crimbus to kill god and become Jebus at our convenience,” Laplus said. Besides her, Koyori nodded.
“Uhhh…” Fauna said.
Laplus waved the air. “Don’t worry, we’ll take our time for it. We also want to enjoy Crimbus, after all.”
Omake 2:
And after the holiday season ended, the Sandy Claws ambulated towards the penthouse suite at a skyscraper in northern Seattle.
And then the Sandy Claws pulled out its Jeff mask and seamlessly sloughed it onto its arenicolous, hexapodal face and then walked into a corporate shareholder’s meeting.
“Ah, sir,” said the CIO, “You’re back from your holiday, we have a lot to talk about.”
“ Screeeeee. ” the Sandy Claws screee’d.