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As Jamie sat in that lake, and the waves softly lapped against her body, she held that ring tightly against her palm and allowed her grief to pour out of her.
Please take me Dani. I wasn’t done loving you
But Jamie knew she wouldn’t. She knew that Dani’s love wasn’t a storm that could drag you under. It was sunshine, warm and bright, and Jamie blossomed under it.
Even now, as the waters snaked its cold icy fingers into every crack of Jamie’s clothing, the love she felt warmed her.
Even as her tears fell down her cheeks, caressing her lips along the way, and dripping off her chin into the murky depths below, Jamie couldn’t help but close her eyes and imagine Dani’s fingers softly brushing her hair behind her ear, whispering Jamie’s own words back at her.
I only see you Jamie. I’m ok now.
It was the only thing that helped her pick herself up at that moment.
And the only thing she thought as she stared out over the foggy waters, saying her goodbyes.
But Jamie would never be able to let go of that moment, for the water held her under as though she had never left, even after years of living.
It was the way Jamie smelled the moonflowers when she would come around a corner, and the sweet scent would waft into her nose, filling her up just long enough to make her believe she was happy.
It was the way how after every storm, she would gaze into the puddles on the ground hoping that she would see her, even in just a soft flicker. Her eyes, her lips, her nose, anything really. But the ripples never held even an ounce of her. And Jamie would finally tear her gaze away and keep on walking.
It was the way when the wind would blow gently across her face, as though it was softly caressing her, she would hear Dani’s laugh and her heart would thump so hard she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to breathe again.
Or how her eyes would find every blonde in the room, wishing beyond hope that one of them would be the girl she was always searching for, but could never find.
Oftentimes, Jamie would find herself twirling that ring on her finger, questioning whether she should take it off, but in the end, curling her hand over her chest and apologizing for having the thought in the first place.
Jamie knew Dani wouldn’t have wanted her to be alone, nor spend her days wanting, but how could anyone compare?
They would never have her eyes. Or her voice. Or her touch.
Jamie couldn’t let go, because Dani wasn’t hers. Dani was never hers.
She just loved Dani with every ounce of her heart.
Love was never an object to them. It wasn’t something you could own. It was this thread that held them together.
This beautiful, magical, rare feeling that rooted itself so deeply into their hearts that no amount of yearning could change what they had.
No amount of tears could wash away the smiles that Jamie held locked inside.
Nor every touch that Dani blessed her with.
Jamie’s love for Dani, no matter how long she had been gone, was worth the pain of not physically having her near, because she knew love, real love, was infinite.
If you can’t feel, I’ll feel everything for us.
And she did. Every moment of every day.
And so Dani was never truly gone. Not really.
Because Jamie carried the memory of her with every breath she took.