Chapter Text
Summer was pressed against him, her face buried against his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him like a lifeline. She was trembling as she removed her arms from around him, and he tightened his grip on her. He felt her chest rise and fall as she attempted to take deep breaths, catching on the way out as she tried to get her emotions under control.
This was how they had been since the news about Marissa’s death. Clinging to each other, Summer sobbing against his chest, Seth reigning himself in, wanting to be strong for her but feeling like a helpless child. This wasn’t right. None of it was. They shouldn’t be standing here, wearing all black, preparing themselves to face Marissa’s funeral. They should be celebrating their last summer together, preparing for college in the fall (or the spring in Seth’s case), and enjoying their final moments of childhood freedom.
He wasn’t surprised when he scanned the room and didn’t find Ryan. He hadn’t seen him since he left the hospital, but he had received a single text from him. An address of a bar outside Newport where he was apparently staying and working according to the other employees he bothered until they told him everything they knew about his brother. The only thing they didn’t know was where he was now and when he’d be back. Seth waited around for as long as he could, getting strange looks and glares from other patrons and the staff before he had to go and get ready for the funeral.
The sound of his name pulled him back to the present, and he shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts, instinctually tightening his arm around Summer’s shoulders as she leaned against him. He turned and saw Luke striding toward them, his head bowed and his eyes obscured by sunglasses. Everything about his large frame seemed broken, like he was trying to make himself small, such a contrast to the confident, arrogant jock he remembered from Harbor.
“Hey,” Luke sighed, a slight rasp in his voice, his shoulders falling like uttering one word had exhausted him.
“Hey,” Seth replied. Finding he didn’t know what else to say and lately, he found that it was better to stay silent anyway. His inappropriate and impulsive Cohen humor was really not appreciated in times like this. Since Seth always spoke without thinking, especially when he was uncomfortable, it was better to head off the rambling before it started.
As Summer pulled away from him, his arm fell limply to his side as he resisted the urge to move with her and keep her close. Luke raised his sunglasses, resting them on top of his head as he shifted his weight awkwardly from side to side. Seth noticed Luke’s eyes were red and puffy like he’d been crying recently, and his eyes shone as he and Summer locked eyes. Seth could see the wordless conversations passing between them and looked away, giving them their moment. A few heavy moments passed before Summer stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Luke, who tentatively returned her embrace, bending to fit himself to her petite frame.
For a moment, Seth flashed back to all the years when he watched Luke, Summer, and Marissa from a distance. To his first Newport party where Luke and his water polo buddies jumped him on the beach. To Ryan having his back, punching Luke in the face and taking on all of them, despite that Seth had said horrible things to him just a moment before. To how lonely and isolated he was before Ryan showed up. To Ryan sucker-punching Luke in the face in the diner, saying, “You know what I like about rich kids? Nothing,” before bolting. Seth standing on the back pegs of Ryan’s bike, both laughing recklessly as they made their escape. Seth’s chest tightened painfully at the thought of Ryan, though the memory, still so evident in his mind, caused a bubble of laughter to rise in his chest. Now was definitely not the time to laugh. Seth could feel himself teetering not the edge of hysteria as he remembered calling Luke a crybaby and praising Ryan repeatedly for punching him. He felt himself smiling and clenched his jaw, biting the inside of his cheek hard, hoping the strange feeling would pass.
A choked inhale derailed his musings, and it took him a moment to realize the sound had come from Luke. Summer’s arms tightened around him, and Luke made a strangled sound in the back of his throat as he buried his face against her shoulder. Seth could tell he was trying to not cry by the way he held his body rigid like if he relaxed even one muscle, he would simply fall apart. However, Seth’s eyes fell on Summer as he tried to read her body language while her tiny frame was swallowed up by Luke’s. He couldn’t tell if she was crying or not, and while he saw her shoulder jump once, she seemed to resolve herself to being a support for Luke, who was leaning more of his weight against her. Once again, he was in awe of his girlfriend’s strength.
They stayed like that for several moments, Summer never making a move to pull away until Luke stepped back slightly, lifting his head from her shoulder and turning quickly away to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. Summer reached up and put her hand on the side of his face, and Luke’s breath caught, then stuttered out on embarrassed laugh as he covered her hand with his. Seth felt he should look away again, give them at least some semblance of privacy though he was aware, as he was sure they were also, that they were surrounded by all of Newport, and eyes and whispers were following them. It was inescapable, and as Seth watched Luke close his eyes, take a deep breath, and pull himself together, he found he couldn’t look away. Like a puppet pulling at his own strings, Luke stood up a bit taller, his face flushed with emotion as he lowered Summer’s hand and squeezed it with his own.
“I’m so sorry, Sum,” Luke murmured.
“Me too,” Summer replied, her voice small and broken. It was the first thing he had heard her say in hours, and the sound was like a jolt to his already overwrought system.
Luke cleared his throat and stared upwards for a brief second. “Love you, Summer.”
“Love you too, Luke. Don’t be a stranger.”
Luke nodded, looking over Summer at Seth for a moment before sliding his sunglasses back over his eyes and letting go of Summer’s hand. Luke reached out a hand to Seth, who grabbed it and pulled him in for a hug, clapping him on the back briefly before separating.
“Take care of yourself, man,” Seth spoke without thinking, not exactly sure what to say in this scenario, especially since they were both men and neither was excellent at expressing themselves.
“You too, Cohen,” Luke replied, clapping Seth on the shoulder. “And take care of Summer,” Luke added in a whisper as he pulled Seth against him for one more quick hug before leaving the pair to go stand with his family.
Seth noticed people had started to gather inside and presumed that the service was starting soon. He put his arm around Summer’s shoulders, trying to seem impassive while his mind desperately looked for some excuse to put off this moment. But his feet moved forward as he was ushered into the church’s hall, the sudden blast of air-conditioning causing him to shiver and turning his sweat cold. His parents were waiting just inside the doors, watching them with the same sad and worried look they seemed to perpetually wear these days. Seth found he couldn’t meet their eyes too long; they couldn’t make this better, though he could see they desperately wanted to. Though the real reason he had been avoiding them wasn’t just because of that. If he looked at them too long, he was afraid he’d shatter, and he needed the numbness of shock to stay with him for a while longer. It kept him sane, and it allowed him to be there for Summer.
Not that he hadn’t cried along with Summer, but he hadn’t really let himself feel everything he knew he’d need to feel eventually. He had only let a few tears go, and even then, he thought they were more for Summer and Ryan the tragedy of it all than for Marissa herself. The strange thing about Marissa dying was that he felt all at once like he had lost a friend and a stranger. He couldn’t remember a time when just the two of them hung out with an intermediary like Summer or Ryan in between them. Marissa hadn’t even said two words to him until Ryan came along and immediately caught everyone’s attention, making Seth visible by association. He didn’t blame Marissa for that any more than he blamed Summer, but in light of Marissa’s death, he realized he didn’t really have any of his own memories to share despite having known her for most of his life. All his memories were second-hand. Stories from Ryan or Summer or the times the four had hung out together. And while he knew Ryan loved Marissa and she loved him, the two had been hopeless together, and watching Ryan constantly get dragged into Marissa’s tragic spirals had started to change his opinion of her despite believing that Ryan and Marissa were some kind of star-crossed lovers. And how convenient dating was when their girlfriends were best friends, making it easy for the four to hang out without any weirdness.
“The service is starting soon,” Kirsten said, glancing towards the entryway leading to the church's large atrium. “We should probably go find our seats.”
Seth nodded as his mom reached out and squeezed his arm gently, and his dad set his hand on his shoulder before leading his mom away. Sandy kept his arm against Kirsten’s back and then pulled her close, kissing the side of her head briefly as they prepared themselves to enter the atrium where everyone would be watching. Where Marissa’s coffin was kept.
Seth and Summer wandered over slowly, and Seth wasn’t sure who was trying to put off the moment more. Just as they were about to enter the atrium, Seth noticed a table set up beside the doors and abruptly changed their course to look at what was placed on it. Summer didn’t say a word at the sudden change and simply followed him, which was concerning in its own right since Summer never did anything quietly and always reacted to being told what to do, but it was something he couldn’t dwell on right now. They still had some time before the service, so getting distracted by some decorations wouldn’t hurt anything.
There were papers scattered across the table. Seth figured they were probably just some fliers for the church or the funeral home, but he realized he was mistaken as he got closer. His breath caught, and Summer froze against him as they stared down at Marissa’s smiling face. The table was full of pictures of her, most professionally done pictures like her yearbook photos, but others seemed to be more candid shots. He recognized some from the last few years and realized his parents must have given some of them over to be copied and displayed here. A sign on the table said “take one,” and Seth found himself sorting through the photos, memories wanting to drown him as he kept them at bay.
He and Summer sifted through the photos together. Sometimes Summer would comment about how she loved a particular picture and how beautiful Marissa looked, but neither would go beyond the surface. In the end, Seth took two pictures, one professorial shot of Marissa looking half over her shoulder into the camera, a close-up of her face, and another he found buried beneath the glamor shots. One with him, Summer, Marissa, and Ryan dressed up laughing smiling in his parents' backyard. They must have been gone to some fancy Newport party, though he wasn’t sure which one, they looked happy about something. It was the only picture where Marissa’s eyes didn’t look sad.
Summer chose a photo and slid it into her clutch, then grabbed Seth’s hand as they stood in front of the entrance to the atrium once again. People flooded around them, someone bumped Seth’s shoulder, but he barely noticed as they stood like statues. He squeezed Summer’s hand.
“Ready?” he breathed.
“Ready.”
They both took a deep breath and walked up to the usher, who handed them a small pamphlet with a schedule inside and Marissa's name, birthday, and the day she died on the front. Seth shoved the paper into the inner pocket of his tux to avoid looking at it too long and heard it crinkle along with the pictures he had carefully stored earlier. As they passed into the atrium, the enormity of the worship area opened up before them. The church looked more like a concert venue with a stage at the bottom of rows of seats and a balcony overhang that boasted even greater seating. Three large screens lined the back wall and each showcased pictures of Marissa. It was so bizarre and not what he was expecting that he found himself on the verge of laughter again. That was until he saw her.
A polished cherry coffin was at the bottom of the stage, covered in flowers and gleaming in bright overhead lighting. He had expected the coffin and expected to be shocked, but he didn’t expect the open casket. Marissa laying there, eyes closed, hands across her chest in some kind of white dress like she had worn at debutante. He had assumed it would be a close casket since she had died in a car accident. He hadn’t prepared himself to see her one more time and hadn’t wanted to. He wanted the last time he saw her be when she was alive, laughing with Ryan at graduation. Now he was afraid all he would remember of her was this.
“Seth, we have to move.” Summer’s voice cut through his moment of panic, and he forced himself to concentrate on each step, pointedly staring downwards. He wanted to pull Summer closer to him but worried about them tripping as they descended, so instead locked their elbows together, linking them like school children but needing the extra contact. Had Summer known about the open casket? She must have because he felt she wasn’t as caught off guard as he was, though he could feel her tension.
Summer noticed his parents first and pulled him in their direction so they could take their seats together with Summer’s father. They stayed quiet. Summer slid sunglasses out of her purse and kept them on as she leaned against her father, who wrapped an arm around her and kissed her forward, murmuring to her in a low, comforting whisper. Seth could see Dr. Roberts's eyes shine when he looked at his daughter, and he knew he was thinking exactly what every other parent in the room was thinking. Thank god it’s not my kid.
The lights lowered, and a hush descended over the crowd as someone, presumably a preacher, walked up and began the service. He glanced around the room one more time, trying to covertly check the shadows in the back to see if Ryan was hiding somewhere. He was sure Ryan wouldn’t come, and now that he knew it was an open casket, he really hoped Ryan would stay away. It was terrible enough that Marissa was pronounced dead in Ryan’s arms; he didn’t need to see her body made up in a coffin like this. He didn’t need to hear every random Newpsie coming up to the podium saying what a beautiful and bright girl Marissa was and how tragic her death was when they didn’t even know her.
Seth let his mind wander throughout the service, keeping part of his attention on Summer and barely noticing when his mom grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. As Dr. Kim from Harbor High stepped up to the podium, he thought of Ryan again, and guilt swamped him. When he had heard about the accident, even about Marissa, his heart had stopped for a moment. All he could think about was Ryan. If the accident was so bad that Marissa…well, was Ryan too? He barely got Ryan’s name past his lips when Sandy told him Ryan was alright. He was in the hospital with a concussion, broken ribs, severe whiplash, and bruising, but he was fine. The relief that Ryan was okay drowned out everything for a moment, even the fact that Ryan was with Marissa when she died. That he saw her take her last breath.
Ryan was okay. His brother, his best friend, was alive.
But Marissa…Oh god. Summer.
After that, his thoughts were divided between worry about Ryan and worry about Summer, no room for himself. Well, some space for himself. Mostly guilt for being grateful that Ryan was alive when Marissa wasn’t. And some guilt each time he was with Summer, who had to go on each day without her best friend. If Ryan had been the one who had died in that crash…he didn’t know what he would do. A part of him seemed sure that he wouldn’t be able to go on. The same part drove him to Portland to stay with Luke when Ryan went to live with Theresa because he couldn’t face Newport without him now that he knew how much better life was with Ryan in it. At that time, Ryan was just an hour or so away from him, and everything about him fell apart. He wasn’t sure how he had spent so many years alone before, but he had the sense that he could never do that again. Not in Newport anyway, so he had taken his boat and left without telling his parents, without telling Summer who he loved more than anything. So if Ryan had died….
Sudden movement jarred him out of his thoughts, making him realize that his chest had grown tight and his breathing was a bit strained. Tears burned behind his eyes as he tried to orient himself, blinking rapidly. Summer's hand was in his again, her arm twisted around his as she pulled him down the aisle her father leading, his parents behind him. He realized they were making their way towards the coffin, each person stopping to stare at Marissa’s still frame and then awkwardly greeting Julie and Jimmy, who had taken their place next to her. Seth felt panic start to set in as he quickly approached Marissa. He wasn’t sure he wanted to look but found when they were standing in front of her, Summer clinging to his side as Dr. Roberts excused himself to stand with Julie, he couldn’t look away.
He wanted to say she looked like she was sleeping, but she didn’t really. It wasn’t that the car wreck had damaged her, at least not so much that he could see, but she seemed wrong somehow like a doll that had been dipped in thick wax. The clothes didn’t seem right either. The dress hung loose on her frame, and the Marissa he knew preferred a t-shirt. His mouth opened to make some atrocious comment about fashion without his accord. Thankfully Sandy was watching him and clapped him on the shoulder, squeezing a bit too hard, and stopping his anxious rambling before it started. He met his dad’s eyes for a second, hoping the brief eye contact communicated all the things Seth couldn’t say. Like how thankful he was that his parent understood him so well and how much he loved them even though he was a 17-year-old boy soon to be an 18-year-old man, and it wasn’t cool to love and need your parents as much as he felt did. Sandy nodded towards his son, and Seth had to look away quickly so he wouldn’t burst into tears right there.
The rest of the day droned on, and once the church was cleared out, Seth was in the car with his parents and Summer on their way to the graveside service. He desperately wanted to go home, wanted this never-ending nightmare to end. He was utterly exhausted, and so was Summer, leaning against him, eyelashes fluttering as she dozed just to be jarred awake by each bump in the road. It was subsequently the longest and shortest trip to the cemetery as the tired crew made their way up the grassy hill, the California sun beating down on them cheerfully, mocking their sadness.
The graveside service was family only, so it consisted of only the Coopers, Cohens, and Roberts. Words were said that Seth ignored, feeling the pit in his stomach grow as the coffin was slowly lowered. Marissa’s name on the headstone, her birth, and death dates too close together. It was all too much. Everyone stood stoically and clinging to each other, slowly fraying at the seams. Kirsten turned into Sandy’s chest as he wiped at his eyes beneath his sunglasses. Julie had her face hidden against Jimmy, Kaitlin looked shell-shocked and a little high, Dr. Roberts had his hand on Julie’s back with one eye on his daughter, who stood pale and swaying.
“Summer,” Seth murmured carefully to not draw attention to them.
She didn’t respond, and he reached out to pull her to him, ready to hold her as she cried, but when he put his arm around her, she half fell against him. He started to stumble back but caught himself quickly, sliding his arm around her back to her hip and straightening them both up. A bit more of her weight fell against him.
“Summer?” he whispered into her hair, his heart rate quickening with worry.
“Cohen…” Summer murmured, her voice muffled against his chest. “I think…I think I’m going to pass out.”
Alarm made him dizzy for a second, making his vision blur. He blinked a few times until the world came back into focus and then allowed only the feel of Summer against him and his need to help her consume him.
“Just hold on for a few more minutes,” he breathed into her ear. “I got you; just breathe.”
“Okay,” she sighed against him, and he could feel her trying to take some of her weight back. “I don’t want everyone too-”
“I know. Just hang on to me.”
Seth repositioned Summer against him slightly while he kept his face bent down to hers so no one else could hear them. He knew she didn’t want to make a scene or for anyone to worry, so he tried to make his movements as small as possible.
In what was possibly the longest few minutes of his life, the ceremony ended, leaving everyone drained and unsure how to depart from such an event. However, Seth knew he had to get Summer away from here and fast, as her legs had started shaking, and he could feel her knees about to give way as she hid her face against him. Her hands fisted in his suit jacket. He didn’t have time for decorum.
“Mom, Dad, me, and Summer need a moment. We’ll just meet you by the car in a bit, okay? Okay. Thanks.”
Seth didn’t wait for a reply before he started off, half dragging Summer along with him as she struggled to get her footing. It didn’t help that she was trying to walk in heels through grass and gravel. Seth yelled something back to appease Dr. Roberts as he began to ask where the two were going and trusted his parents to keep him away. He didn’t think Summer was going to make it to the cars, so he pulled her behind a large tree that was just far enough away to give them some privacy.
Summer staggered forward, and he caught her wrist as she straightened herself up.
“Hey, are you alright? I think you should sit down.”
“Yeah. I think just the sun, and everything, just kind of got to be a bit and-”
Summer's voice cut off as her legs finally gave out, Seth barely able to catch her as she slumped towards the ground.
“Summer? Hey, Summer. Stay with me here, okay?” Seth frantically started speaking, trying to sound calm as he positioned her head in his lap and removed her sunglasses to see her eyes had rolled back. “Summer! Okay, I really don’t want to have to get our parents, because I know you don’t want that, but your dad’s a doctor, and this seems like something he could help with, and my parents-”
“Jesus, Cohen. Shut up.” As quiet as it was, Summer's weak voice stopped his panicked tirade. “I’m alright. Just give me a moment.”
“Are you sure you’re alright? You’re really pale, and I should check your heart rate. That’s what I learned in first aid at camp, I think. Anyway-“
Summer’s soft laughter interrupted him, and he marveled at the sound. “Seth, I’m fine, really.”
To prove how fine she was, Summer slowly eased herself into a sitting position. “If we just chill here for a second, It’ll be like this never happened.”
“Okay…if you're sure.”
“I am,” Summer replied in the voice that meant no more room for argument. It reminded him so much of how Summer was before this tragedy that he found himself smiling even though his heart was still racing. It was hard to believe that everything had happened about a week ago and that their lives were forever split into before and after, irrevocably changed.
Summer positioned herself to lean against the giant oak, and Seth mirrored her, reaching for her as he had in every moment these last few days. She complied readily, leaning against him in a way that made him sure she wasn’t 100% yet. He pulled her legs over his lap as she gasped in surprise and wrapped her arms tighter around him.
“Calm down. I’m just going to help get these shoes off you.”
“Um, I need those shoes to walk to the car, Cohen.”
“Well, Summer, let me introduce you to a little concept called walking barefoot because all these shoes will cause you to roll an ankle before you make it to the car.”
Summer playfully slapped his chest, “I don’t know how I feel about walking barefoot across grass and gravel.”
“You’ll feel better than if you walked in these shoes, trust me,” Seth teased back, working on the complicated strap that was wrapped past her ankle. “Plus, you can wear my shoes if you want. Or even better, I can carry you.”
“Do you really think your twig arms could carry me, Cohen?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know if I flex in the right light, it looks like I have great biceps.”
“You dork.”
“The most ripped dork you ever met,” Seth replied, and they both laughed, and their banter made him forget where they were for a second as he finally slid the shoes off Summer’s feet. Summer sighed, stretching her feet and flexing her toes.
“I feel like I just solved a Rubix cube trying to undo those straps. Why wear something so complicated that clearly has hurt you?”
“They are not that complicated. You’re just not that bright. And I wear them because they are pretty. And they make me taller, which makes people take me more seriously.”
“Summer, you are the strongest person, and regardless of your height, everyone takes you seriously because you don’t give them a choice otherwise. You’re amazing.”
Summer smiled, her face just inches from his. “Thanks, Cohen. You’re pretty amazing yourself.”
“Nah,” Seth replied, playing off the compliment though he felt his cheeks flush.
They settled into a comfortable silence, Summer still draped over him. He noticed some of the color coming back to her face and ran his fingers through her silky hair as she let her head fall to his shoulder. Her eyes were still ringed with exhaustion and swollen from how many tears she had shed in the past few days, but Seth thought he could see a way through all this in this quiet moment. To the people they would be on the other side.
He slid his phone from his jacket pocket, flipping it open and shooting off a quick text to Ryan, not expecting a reply, but knowing he’d read it anyway.
Please come home soon.