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Your name is Vriska Serket and you are NOT sinking right now, or at least that's what you're trying to convince your no good crew of.
You guided them to absolute tyranny and this is how they repay you.
"You're a bunch of cowardly, useless, insubordinate, irritating..." you trail off into a chain of insults as your crew abandon the sinking galleon "I hope you never find land!" you yell after the last of them.
You grab a bucket (much to your disgust) and scoop some of the salty water over the side of the ship before you realise that no, that is not helping.
You throw the bucket as far as you can over the side of the ship and defeatedly lift your hand to salute, a captain will go down with her ship, after all.
You stand perfectly still as the sea swishes around your knees, watching the bucket as it bobs back toward you.
You wonder, momentarily, what you did to deserve such an unimpressive crew.
You see a tail flick up from the water around the bucket, it's a very dark pink and you ponder on what kind of monster fish are going to be chewing away at your drowned corpse.
You sigh, holding this salute is really making your arm ache.
The water's washing around your waist now, wetting your hair.
This slow drowning malarkey doesn't feel as honourable as it's made out to be. It just feels cold.
The bucket's only a couple of feet from the ship now and you see the flash of pink again.
Suddenly a girl pops up from beneath the wave carrying the pail, you give her a puzzled look.
"Who are you?" You frown, not liking to have your final resting place disturbed.
"Meenah" she squints slightly in the light "Meenah Peixes, what about you?"
"Vriska" you nod, curtly .
"Cool, do you want this back?" she asks, holding up the bucket, as if it's completely normal to go swimming in the middle of the ocean with a bucket.
"No" you say, slowly.
"Oh, really?" she asks, sounding disappointed "but I brought it all the way over"
You raise your eyebrows "Did you?"
"Yes, and it was quite a job" she says "against the current"
"Well" you say, shrugging "you shouldn't have bothered, I'll be drowned and eaten by giant fish in a matter of" you pause "well, hours, realistically"
"Drowned?" she looks puzzled "can't you swim?"
"Of course I can swim" you frown "it's dishonourable for a captain to leave their ship"
"Why?" she asks, flatly.
"Well because...because..." you hesitate.
"Besides, you don't look particularly honourable" she says, gesturing to your flag.
"Hey, we pirates have our own honorary code"
"You do?" she asks, sceptically.
"Yes we do! And what on earth are you doing deep sea diving here anyway?" you say attempting to avert the conversation from your own personal honour system.
"What does it matter?" she asks putting her hands on her hips "shouldn't you just be grateful that you have someone to share your final moments with?"
"Hm" you hum "I suppose, it is nice to have something taking my mind off the cold" you glance down at your cutless, it's floating above the water now.
"Exactly" she says, grinning "and what better way to do that than have a highly intellectual conversation with a highly intellectual conversational partner"
"Highly intellectual, you say?"
"I do say" she nods "and my credentials back it up"
"Your credentials?" you're not sure why that surprises you so, but you didn't think divers needed credentials.
"They're probably not the ones you're used to but, yes, in many circles I'm considered highly educated"
"Well then, I shall have to pick your brain, sometime" you nod over to her.
"Well, you don't have long if you insist on sinking with your ship" she says, giving you a disapproving glance "don't you have a crew or pirate brigands?"
"No, they jumped ship the second we crashed" you say, gesturing (with your non saluting hand) toward the rocks with which you'd collided "good radiance"
"Not too fond of them then?" she asks, sympathetically.
"Not anymore" you frown as the water washes around your scratched medals "They kind of screwed me over"
"But" she says, drawing the word out slightly "did they really though?"
"Yes" you say, flatly.
"Did you not, maybe" she pauses "screw yourself over?"
"No" you think for a moment "well not really"
"Whatever you say" she says holding up her hands "Do you want to hear a story?"
"A story?" you ask, sceptically.
"Yeah, it's a true one, my great, great, great, great, great grandma was alive at the time"
You did come into this world listening to fantastic stories - why not leave it with one "Go on then"
"I live next to a place called the citadel-"
"Never heard of it" you interrupt, helpfully.
"No - you wouldn't have" she says, and you wonder what she means "anyway, that's where this story begins"
"It was a warm day and the sun was warming the waves" she starts, theatrically "When a young man, 20 or so, decided to kill the then monarch, empress batterwitch, she had, you see, been ruling in tyranny over my people for quite some time"
She takes a breath and continues "Our hero, or possibly our villain depending on who you listen to, chooses this sunny day to carry out his plan he enters the castle and is delayed by many, not particularly inventive, booby traps. I won't bore you with the details"
"Please don't" you say, glancing pointedly at the water enveloping most of your person.
She nods "So, he passes the traps and trip wires before finally reaching the empress's throne room, he's holding a dagger as he swims closer-"
"Swims?" you say, although now's really not the time to be searching for plot inconsistency "why did he swim?"
"We swim everywhere" she says, as if that explains everything.
"Why?" you ask, still puzzled.
In lieu of explanation she just does a rather impressive back flip and displays the large pink tail that you thought belonged to the man eating fish.
"Oh, you're a mermaid" you say and she nods "that makes sense"
"Yeah" she nods again.
"So, there aren't any man eating fish?" you feel rather disappointed "I'll just drift into Davey Jones locker?"
"Probably" she says nodding.
You sigh "So, what happens next" you ask, despondently "in your story?"
"Oh, yes" she smiles "he gets closer and closer to the back of the throne, in which he can see a figure sitting, as soon as he gets close enough he stabs the figure in the back, he swings around to face it and realises that it isn't the monarch, but was, in fact, a good friend of his, whom the empress had put in her place"
"So" she continues "I suppose my point is - sometimes you think you're doing the right thing, but you end up screwing yourself over"
You frown "If you're trying to make a point-"
"Trying?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"Well, you can stop it - right now" you frown again as a small wave swishes about your face, the salt water splashes into your good eye, you try to blink away the sharp sting.
"I'm only trying to stop you before you stab someone you care about in the back" she says, frowning.
You roll your eyes "Yes, I get it"
"I told you about the citadel, didn't I?"
You nod.
"It's really nice, you should come and see it someday"
"Except I'll be dead"
"Hm" she agrees "I guess you will" she swims around a small rock.
"And I can't breath underwater"
"Also true" she nods.
You frown at her and open your mouth to say something whitty back, but the salt water streams into your mouth and you just cough.
You try to edge back on the deck but suddenly your feet are in free water and you drop your salute in an attempt to resurface.
Somebody (guess who) grabs you and pulls you back above the water as soon as you've taken a few deep breaths you punch your savour in the shoulder.
"What was that?!" you choke "Why did you do that? I didn't go down with my ship! I'm dishonoured!"
"You were dishonoured before, and that wasn't your ship, you stole it"
"I commandeered it" you correct with a frown.
"And fine" you say, after a pause, realising that you're actually quite glad to be alive "where are we going?"