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“On your feet, Moiraine Sedai.”
I rose slowly and walked up to the Amirlyn Seat, and then knelt again to kiss Siuan’s ring, wishing I could kiss her hand instead. Liandrin had been sentenced just a few moments before, and now it was my turn. I closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind, with little luck. It WAS
Still kneeling, I lifted my face towards my lover, and could read the pain in her eyes. We had argued for hours the night before, and yet, there was no other possible way. With what I had said – or rather, not said – the day before in the Hall, the Amirlyn had to punish me. Disrespect to the Amirlyn Seat was prohibited by law. I knew that, and yet… I could have said something else, anything else – I would have found a reply which skirted the truth without being a lie.
At least I would not suffer alone. Liandrin would not get off scot-free either. This was small comfort. Liandrin was not one of my closest friends, more like my arch enemy, but I could not rejoice in her suffering. Well…maybe, since I could not lie, just a very little. I closed my eyes as I waited for the verdict – not that I did not already know, but still, hearing it from the Amirlyn in the Hall would be different from hearing it from Siuan Sanche in her bedroom.
«I have made my judgement.” “
A judgment contrary to her heart, respecting the Aes Sedai laws but which Siuan would have circumvented if she had not been on a knife’s edge.
For your disobedience, and your intractability, and for your disrespect towards the Amirlyn Seat, you shall be birched here in this Hall. You will then have two days to depart this Tower and go into exile. To ensure your compliance, you will swear…”
I swallowed hard, feeling the tears roll down my face and trying desperately to quench them, knowing that if Siuan saw me crying, she would not be able to keep her own eyes dry. I was not crying for the physical pain that was to come, although I was a little scared of it. I was crying because since Meghan had told me I would be needed in the Tower, I had known I would not have long to spend with Siuan, and I had missed her desperately during my years searching for the Dragon Reborn. That I had not chosen this quest was all the more cruel, and yet, when I had come to the first time to the Tower as a novice, I had known an Aes Sedai’s life was not a free one. After all, we were “servants of all”, and I had exchange the life of a Damodred for a life of dedication and obedience. Aes Sedai’s laws were usually stricter than the laws of men. I was not completely free of my past, even now, for many among my sisters envied my family name and the circumstances of my birth.
When I released the rod and was told to go back to my quarters to await the summons for the punishment, I rose, turned, and felt all the eyes on me. Although the faces of my sisters remained blank, I saw the disappointment – and the shame – in Meghan and the other Blues’ faces, a glimpse of triumph from the Reds, and inquisitive gazes from the Browns… I held my head high and walked away. I nodded to Alanna and to Lan, who were waiting outside the Hall, confirming the verdict. Lan stepped up behind me, and although he did not touch me or say anything, his presence gave me comfort. I wondered whether I would be able to see Siuan tonight. Or at least…whether I would want to. We were taking risks, after all, in this double life – pretend enemies and lovers. Sometimes I thought one or the other would be easier. If I had no ties at all…maybe all this would be easier. At least I would be spared the knife in my heart each time I had to go away. Sometimes, I cursed fate, that had united us as novices, only to separate us with the Quest.
Once I go to my room, I tried to read, but words danced before my eyes, and I realised my vision had blurred. I was crying again, and this time, although I knew Lan would sense my distress through the Bond, I did not try to stop. I was tired of it all – tired of Tower politics, of deception, of this unending mission, of the deaths I was and would be responsible for. What if none of the four was the Dragon? What if they all died because of me? What if Lan died there? Of course, I could die too, but that was of little importance – what mattered was stopping the Dark One. But I did not want Lan to die because of me. I would mask the Bond, go alone with the possible Dragons. He had already sacrificed his life for me, I did not want him to make the ultimate sacrifice.
I felt a presence in the room and saw Siuan behind me, in the mirror. She had shed her Amirlyn robe for a simple linen dress, and she was watching me with hungry and yet sorrowful eyes. I stood and, without a word, I came close enough to caress her cheek.
“You should not be here. I thought we’d agreed it was too dangerous and I was to come to you”, I said with mock severity.
“I know. But I waited for you, and you…”
I closed her lips with a kiss. “And I would have come. You only had to have a little patience and-“
“You know I do not have any. Just kiss me again, and stop arguing.”
I obeyed, and tasted once again the sweet lips I would be parted from for many months. Then I sank in her arms, my courage suddenly failing me. I felt her hands move and knew she was probably weaving a charm around my room. She led me to my bed and we both fell upon it, holding each other like we would never see each other again.
She woke me before going back to her own room, and her dark eyes were troubled.
“I should have found a way to spare you. I don’t want you to suffer.”
I hushed her with a finger. “Shh – in a way, I deserve it. I could have found a way to answer your query, and I let my stubbornness and my pride lead me.”
She nodded slowly, reluctantly. “Are you ready?”, she asked. “The summon will come soon.”
“Can one ever be ready for that?”
I did not want to say too much, but it was a pity the penance had not been administered immediately after the judgement. The waiting made things worse, and my night had been haunted by the cries of the sisters who had been sentenced to a birching by Sierin Vayu after Tamra’s death. I didn’t know if I would be brave enough to remain silent or to stop myself from trembling. Of course, I was no stranger to corporal punishment by now, but birching was known to be particularly severe.
We kissed one more time and she left, leaving me to try and go back to sleep, which of course proved impossible. I finally decided to get up. I dressed with great care, even knowing that I would shortly have to disrobe in the Hall, and adjusted the kesiera on my head. Would they let me keep this symbol of Caierhin nobility on, or would they ask me to remove it? Would having it on add to the humiliation? I could not guess how the sisters would decide. Finally, I sat on the bed, waiting. Lan came in and offered to be with me in the Hall, like he had done before the sentencing, and I ordered him to keep away. He had seen me naked before, but he had not see me humbled, and I wanted to spare him that. He objected, of course, but I remained firm, and he finally stalked away. He had not been gone for long when another knock came, and a novice curtseyed and told me I was wanted in the Hall. I hoped she did not know what for – at least I had not been sentenced to a public birching, which all the sisters and Accepted would be asked to attend. Yet I knew rumour was rife in the Tower, and I had little hope my fate would remain a secret for long. I dismissed her and started towards the Hall.
The doors opened as I stood before them, and my eyes immediately landed on the large wooden triangle in the middle of the room. I could not suppress a shiver, even though I scolded myself for it. They were not going to execute me, or even still me. Just…birch me.
I stole a glance at Siuan, in her formal Armirlyn garb, and she stared sternly back at me. We had to keep up appearances. Then she bade me approach and accept my penance. I knelt before her, kissed her ring, and then rose and face the triangle. Sheriam Sedai was waiting for me, and like Siuan, she was looking severe. All the other sisters remained stone-faced. Sheriam motioned for me to disrobe and I slowly let my dress and then my shift drop to the floor. I must have been bright red. The last time I had had to undress in public had been before I was raised to full sisterhood, and I was still not comfortable with nudity. Then I let Sheriam secure me to the triangle with leather straps, and felt her walk away and walk back again, probably with the birch in her hand. I took a deep breath as discreetly as I could and closed my eyes. I did not need to see the implement anyway – I had seen it used on others, and its image had been seared into my mind ever since. Some six or seven hazel twigs – more painful than willow twigs – kept in brine. The salt would keep infection away but burn all the more. I could not imagine Sheriam being overjoyed to carry out this punishment – she had always been strict, but fair, and had never seemed to enjoy chastising novices, accepted, or light forbid, sisters. The first blow landed on my buttocks, and at first, it did not seem so terrible – less painful than the strap or the slipper, even. By the tenth stroke, I was in agony, as if I had sat on a wasps’ nest and they were all stinging me at once on my bottom. At first, I tried to count, to focus, but I soon lost count as I was swimming in an ocean of pain. Even my humiliation took second place behind it, and when I heard a scream, I knew it was me. The tears of my face tested salty too, as much as the blood from where I bit my lips.
In order not to be accused of favouritism for an old friend, Sheriam must have been harder on me than usual, for I cannot remember how I went back to my room. Someone must have carried me. Maybe they summoned Lan. I knew I would not be offered Healing quite yet, and even though I was uncomfortable lying on my front, I could not turn without lashes of pain searing through my body. My bottom had taken most of the onslaught, but my shoulders and upper back had also been kissed by the birch. I wanted to go to Siuan, to enjoy the little time we had together, but I did not think I could move. It must have been the middle of the night when I heard a noise and saw Siuan in my room. Seeing her stupidly made my eyes water again. Maybe because I feared it was for the last time – anything could happen on the roads, with the Children of the Light hunting Aes Sedai. And even if one of the children from Two Rivers was the Dragon, I could well perish at the Eye of the World. I wanted to clung to Siuan, I wanted her to take me in her arms, but when she brushed my skin with the tips of her fingers, I hissed and almost mewed in pain. She laid down next to me and kissed my hair, and we held hands through the night.
Despite the pain, I got up the next day and forced myself to dress, the clothes an inferno on my skin. I went to see Lan, to ensure he would bring the five from Two Rivers at the entrance of the Ways, and even though many sisters averted their eyes or turned their backs when they saw me, I felt a little pride – I would not cower in my room until my departure. Saita, one of the yellow sisters, came to offer Healing that evening, and I gratefully accepted. It allow me to go to Siuan and to spend my last night with her.
When I left the next morning, the sun had not yet risen over Tar Valon. I did not look back.