Chapter Text
Huái yùn
The words coupled with the happy face that accompanied those words sent a cold tremor through Kaylee, her breath hitched and she blinked back the tears that threatened. Choking back a sob, she felt the tears trickle down her cheeks as she set the small test carefully down by the side of her bunk.
Not right, s’not fair.
Wrapping her hands around herself in a tight hug, her vision blurring as she shuddered, Kaylee swallowed hard. It hurt, physically gorramn hurt as though someone taken everything that made her her and replaced it with hurt and numbness. Serenity was silent as she could be, the heart of her cold and silent joining Kaylee in her sorrow.
She wanted, no she needed Simon, it was an overpowering feeling and not one she was used to. She loved Simon, wanted nothing more than to be his only for always but she never normally felt so needy, so weak. Kaylee wanted him beside her, wanted to cling to him tight and true but she couldn’t push herself to stand and take the few tremulous steps towards the intercom. Kaylee knew she’d come, knew he would drop everything to race to her and take her in his arms as if he could make everything better. But Simon couldn’t make this better, no one could, not even Kaylee herself. She didn’t know how.
The ‘verse was turned upside down and nothing made sense any more. Nothing.
Kaylee hugged herself more tightly, her breath evening out as the tears stopped. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were sore from crying so much. They burnt, felt dry as it had the last time they made planetfall on Haven when the desert sand and heat had swallowed them up and the threat of Alliance had kept her busy with work. She glanced at the small mirror in her room; her eyes were dull, sunken even and had dark circles underneath, she was pale much paler then she ever remembered being. The woman staring back at her, she wasn’t Kaylee, she was a stranger- one Kaylee wished she’d never knew.
Kaylee rested her hands protectively on her belly, well aware of the irony of her action yet unable to not do it. Habit…it was a habit as much as it was a deep need, one Kaylee wasn’t ready to break. She rolled onto her side, faced the wall of their bunk as her hands clenched into fists over her abdomen, her legs curled around them. Crying, Kaylee hated crying, it hurt to do it and left you feeling like someone had gouged into the part of you that you tried to keep safe.
She knew she was being hard on herself, it had been less than a day and she’d had the biggest shock she ever could remember having. Simon too, she reminded herself as a fresh wave of grief threatened to overwhelm her. Pressing her face into the pillow, Kaylee inhaled the scent of Simon as her body shook. He’d had been holding her hand when it happened, Kaylee had expected him to drop it immediately but he’d clung to her as she had to him, their mutual disbelief giving way to shock.
She’d felt numb afterwards, let Simon step forward and work through all the forms that needed signing, let him be the one to tell the Captain what was happening and why two of his crew were off ship so long. She didn’t know what Simon had said to Mal, all Kaylee knew was that no one had been waiting for them when they got back. That had been a relief; Kaylee wasn’t sure how she could face them –any of them. How she could look them in the eye and tell them words she didn’t want to keep hearing scream in her mind. She’d seen Simon felt the same, felt the numbness too. He’d been quiet, had held her so close and kissed her head and lips. Had apologised as if it was his fault rather than hers. As if it was his body to blame when Kaylee knew it was hers.
She was betrayed but not angry. It was as though she was only able to feel two things: numbness or sorrow. There was no in-between and there was nothing else.
Huái yùn
The words taunted her, the lie that they told. It wasn’t right or fair, it was ‘nature’s great cruelty’ as Simon had so well put it.
Kaylee heard their bunk slide open and then close as someone came in, knowing who it was before the hesitant hand stroked her back. Simon sat next to her for a moment and then slid next to her, spooning her from behind and holding her tight.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Kaylee choked the words out, her body trembling as Simon’s arms tightened around her; his breath was on her ear, his voice low and upset.
“Don’t say that Kaylee, please. Don’t ever think that. You’ve nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all.” Simon kissed her ear and Kaylee heard his breath hitch as he did, his own body shaking slightly.
“But it’s my fault.” Kaylee shuffled away slightly, her voice flat as she made the admission. Simon’s grip lessened and she turned to face him her eyes on his, seeing pain and helplessness in them before he pressed his forehead to hers, “Our baby died, Simon.”
“I know.” Simon’s words held a tremor to them and he held Kaylee close as though he could keep her together, keep her for being so broken. “It’s not your fault, Kaylee. Don’t ever think that, qǐng nǐ.”
“Can’t think anything but.” Kaylee pressed her face into his neck, her eyes closed as she inhaled deepl,y smelling Simon and only Simon: not the sick and hospitally smells that had flooded her senses earlier.
“I know. I feel the same.”
Simon’s admittance surprised her and Kaylee drew back a little again, studying his face. She could see desperation in his eyes, a helplessness she hadn’t seen in a long time – not with River doing so much better than she was. The protective fervent emotion was something she’d once yearned for with romantic notions, long before she and Simon finally stopped dancing round each other. She didn’t like to see it now; it hurt to see Simon hurting so but at the same time it made her feel closer to him. Like they were the only two people knowing and feeling and grieving.
“What time do we have to be back there?” Her voice was small, her mind seeming to detach from her body as Kaylee waited for an answer she wished wouldn’t come.
“Nine. The doctor assured me we’ll be there first in. I’ll be with you Kaylee, every moment that I possibly can, right up until they take you in.” Simon was stroking her back now, small circles and so very careful as though he was afraid she could hurt more.
“Just me an’ you.” Kaylee nodded, knowing that this was what had to be done. They couldn’t dawdle, couldn’t wait longer, less Kaylee changed her mind. So much irony in the ‘verse that the hospital that would be rushing them though and looking after them quick was the very same one they’d stolen from not even two years before. Kaylee drew her fists back over her belly as Simon pulled her close again; the bigger irony was what Kaylee was torn in two about it all. Most would give their shiniest to get treatment in the Core and Kaylee was glad for it, real glad that they’d been able to get the credit to and she wanted it over, wanted to stop feeling morning sick and tired and so damn pregnant that she had trouble believing the truth. Baby didn’t have a heartbeat, her body had gone and killed it but it couldn’t finish the job right. Couldn’t make it so Kaylee and Simon hadve known something was wrong, instead of felt hope and happiness before the scan showed truth. Betrayed her and tricked her instead of showing her the horrific truth.
“Just us. Always.” Simon murmured the words, “Don’t push me away, Kaylee, please, qǐngqiú.”
Words:
Huái yùn- pregnant
qǐng nǐ- please
qǐngqiú- I beg you