Chapter Text
They were lying on the floor, holding hands. Emily turned to look at Susan, who was looking nowhere. When the other girl noticed, she looked into Emily's eyes too.
"I want this to last forever. Susan please don't marry Austin, stay with me. Will you?"she was now holding both Susan's hands with her own.
Susan was frozen, she knew she couldn't accept her friend's proposal. Her heart of stone had been reached out by Emily and now she was the most lost she had ever been in her life: she didn't know if she was actually falling in love with her friend or if she had just taken advantage of the situation and she was being cruel, as she thought she might be in so many occasions. She looked into Emily's eyes, feeling this uncomfortable mix of feelings and with a growling voice she replied:
"Emily, you know I can't do that" she grabbed her friend's hand" not after engaging. It would suppose the social rejection, I would get back to being no one..."
"We could run together, didn't you want that? Traveling together, the both of us?" she was intensely looking at her, pleading" We would travel together and forever."
Although Emily was holding her hands tight, Susan escaped from her grip and sat up
"You know that's not realistic, this isn't a novel. We can't just run and leave everything and everyone behind..."
Emily had stood up too and was nodding with tears in her eyes
"So you have just used me while Austin was out, I was just your particular entertainment right?"
"No, it's not that" she was feeling so guilty and so unclean, because she knew that Emily was partially right. She had just wanted to try to make her best friend feel better and instead she had just upset her even more and made herself confused. She knew she didn't feel the same for Emily until that last night in which she had felt the biggest tenderness, connection and pleasure in her life, but now it was too late to experiment beyond. She was engaged and as soon as Austin came back, she was going to marry him. If she just refused now, she would become rejected by everyone and she wouldn't be able to stand that, becoming a no one now that she was so close to finally settle down and have her own place in the world. But, Emily.. Oh, she was so tender, so pure... And she was breaking her heart time after time and each time she tried to make it better, she just failed. And she raised her hand to touch her cheek, to try to calm her down, to calm herself down, to feel that special connection they had just shared ... But Emily turned her head to avoid contact and without looking at her said:
"I don't want you in this house, please grab your things and go back with your sister."
And she had just done it again: she had broken the bond between them two a second time and a devastated Emily was asking her to leave her life again. She thought she wasn't going to be able to stand it again and now she felt what the actual loneliness was: the lack of love, of comprehension by others. If she lost Emily, the one that actually understood her, she was going to be irrevocably alone.
Three months later she fell sick. The doctor said it was a nervous fever and that she needed to have some rest, but after her argument with Emily she felt too unsteady. She longed to see her best friend, to hug her, to say she was sorry, to caress her, to feel her. ..
Harriet went to Homestead, to let the Dickinsons know. Lavinia quickly went to inform Emily. She went upstairs and knocked the door.
"Come in!" she heard Emily replied. She opened the door and saw her sitting on her desk, focused on writing. She didn't even turn her head to look at her.
"Emily, there's something important you need to know... it's about Susan Gilbert."
Emily kept writing and made no sign to have listened to Lavinia's words.
"Harriet came to tell us that she's seriously ill." The pen fell from Emily's hand" the doctor said it's nervous fever."
The older sister got up and crossed the room, squeezing Vinnie's arm before leaving, telling her "thank you for the information Vinnie".
That afternoon, Emily, her sister and her mother went to the Cutler's,s. They had cooked some biscuits to comfort the family. Emily asked Harriet if she could see Susan and she lead her to her bedroom. Susan was in bed and when the door opened, she turned her head to see who was coming in. She was really pale and had lost some weight, but when she saw Emily, her face suddenly recovered some of her usual health.
"Em!" she tried to stand up to greet her friend, but Emily approached the bed to avoid that her friend made too much effort and hugged her.
"I'm so sorry, I was so focused on myself that I didn't know what was your state until now."
"Emily, it's not your fault, I was so selfish too."
They separated and Emily looked at her friend with tenderness and caressed her cheek.
"You look so tired. I brought you this" she took the little bag that was hanging in her wrist "it's chamomile, it has relaxing properties." She got up" I'm going to prepare it ..."
Susan extended her arm and reached Emily's trying to stop her
"No, please, stay with me. Just tell Harriet to make them." she was looking with puppy eyes at Emily and she did as asked.She sat again and Susan leaned over her until hugging her and made her lay with her.
"I've missed you so much"
She had missed her too, she had fought every day to not go to knock her door, to keep a safe distance, away from all the pain. Sue's fingers started to wander from her face to her neck, then to her chest and they kept going lower and lower, and Emily didn't want them to stop, but she knew she had to stop her, for both their healths. Before going beyond, they needed to have a talk. So, she grabbed the wandering hand.
"Not now Sue, you're too weak, you need to have some rest."
"Then stay with me, please, at least for tonight."
"Fine, I'll go tell my family."
She wasn't sure how good that was going to do to her, but if it was going to help Sue, she was willing to.
_____
The next morning the sunlight woke Emily up. She wanted to go prepare the breakfast, but it was going to be difficult not to awake Susan: she was sleeping with her face sunken in Emily's chest and although being asleep, she was trapping her in a tight hug. She felt her heart swell and she couldn't help but pout a "Dollie" with a chuckle. But she instantly regretted it, as Susan moved and chuckled too.
"Good morning" she answered, opening one eye and looking at Emily with a smile.
Emily was sure that she had blushed, but she decided to ignore what had just happened and asked Sue:
"Did you sleep well?"
"Uhum, I needed this so much, I needed you so bad. Emily... I'm so sorry, I know I acted badly, I didn't know what love felt like until that night, but I was so confused, so scared... But without you, my life became too senseless. Emily I don't want to lose you again, I want to be with you."
Susan's words looked genuine, but she had to test how far her friend wanted to go.
"-But it is too late now, you are engaged, you and Austin will marry as soon as he comes back."
"I will try to take every second I can away to you so that you can see how much I love you, how much I missed you, how much I need you." She was tightly gripping Emily's hands and intensely looking into her eyes. They talked about truth, but also about love and desire. They were asking for love, for permission to give love. Emily was too startled yet, but when Sue leaned over her, she couldn't help giving her a kiss. It wasn't just a kiss, it was a rebirth: of their mutual love, of their trust in each other. Their tongues intertwined, articulating a new language, the language that was spoken by the poems they both shared and enjoyed. And to keep writing that new poem, they had to wander above all the surface of the other one. The hours that followed gave place to the happiest time in both their lives: a time when two soulmates could live happily together.
_____
It was just the second time they made love and Emily was curious. She had touched Sue everywhere, but she hadn't seen everything yet and she wanted to. She was kissing Sue's abdomen and going down. She reached the edge and stopped there. She leaned a bit back to get the whole picture: Sue was laying beneath her, retorting under her caresses. She changed the position of her legs from straddling Sue's to being between them. She could already sense what Sue hid between them, nevertheless, she spread the other girl's legs further to finally uncover it. It wasn't exactly as she had imagined, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't beautiful. The dark hair gave place to foldings of pink glistening skin. That made Emily's mouth wet too, but before starting eating it out, she wanted to fully see it, so she spread the foldings. And she could see the pearl she hid there. She kissed it and could feel the stiffened tissue. Every part of Susan responded to her contact and she leaned back to see how it looked like.
"Emily what in the world are you doing?" asked Susan desperate.
But she ignored Sue's pleading and instead she slid two fingers on her lips from her clit to her entrance.. and she licked those two digits. She looked at Sue's face and she saw her expression contracted in pain: she was so needy and Emily loved to have Sue at her mercy. When she lowered her sight again, the pink had darkened, the skin had swelled and a glistening that covered it all was luring her. So she couldn't wait anymore and finally she started licking Sue's clit and slid her two fingers again until finally getting into Sue. The contact of that soft skin was so delightful and the little noises that Sue was making made Emily's heart melt.
After making love until they were exhausted, Emily laid straddling Sue. She loved that: they both were naked and feeling Susan's contact on all her body was the most fulfilling sensation. Sue was stroking her hair and sometimes she looked at Emily. But Emily couldn't take her eyes from the other girl not even for a second. She was just hypnotized by the soft shapes of that body: two mounts raised in front of her, crowned by two darker peaks. And her fingers started to climb them, slowly sliding through the surface.
"That tickles" Sue softly laughed.
But Emily let her finger wander through the landscape: now it was making circles on the summit, then it descended to the central valley and after that it started climbing the other mountain.
"What are you doing?" asked Sue amused, looking at Emily.
"I'm just exploring your geography." Emily answered without stopping her prospecting.
After reaching the summit of the second mountain, her finger descended again to the central valley and followed the meridian heading south. Sue started trembling: she got so many tickles and she couldn't content her laughter. Emily stopped and looked up to see Susan's face. The girl stopped laughing too and looked at Emily's eyes: they both looked at each others eyes for a time that they couldn't precise if it was just a second or a thousand years. And then, Emily's sight became more intense and asked for permission just before continuing her exploration. This time her tongue became the wanderer: it followed the same last path her finger had done, but this time from South to North.
"Why do you always end up lapping?" Sue asked smiling.
"I need to explore with all my senses."
"Then you'll want to use use your ears too." Sue said, placing a strand of hair behind Emily's left ear. She chuckled when she saw Emily frown confused. "Come here" she guided the other girl to lie onto her chest by softly pushing her head closer. When Emily's ear made contact with Sue's left breast, she started listening to her heartbeat and finally understood what she meant. She smiled and under the sound of that rythmic pace and cradled by Sue's breathing movements, she sunk in her dreams.