Work Text:
Jay had it all planned: Waking up early to get grocery for dinner later, cleaning up his apartment after, preparing himself for Sunghoon’s arrival and Sunghoon will come at exactly 7PM– they’ll have dinner, watch some movies, read a book, and maybe after that they’ll have an intimate moment together.
Jay had it all planned since last night– but it all came crashing down when Sunghoon called him, “Jay-ah, I have to rain check, Jake said he wanted to grab some dinner.” Jay wanted to say something selfish like, ‘You promised to have dinner with me.’ But he stopped himself– he knew his boundaries, he knew the lines that wasn’t supposed to cross– it’s not like he and Sunghoon are in a relationship.
So here he is– removing the apron, putting it on the kitchen counter and slowly slumping himself on the chair, staring at the favorite dishes he made for Sunghoon as tears started to gather on his eyes and a sob threatened to come out from his throat– not wanting for his cries to be heard he shoved his palm on his lips to cover up his wails– his neighbor already visited him yesterday, giving him a warm soup and asking if he’s okay, thanks to the thin walls his apartment complex have, making his sobs heard all throughout the hallways.
Jay doesn’t even know how many times he’d cried for the past few weeks: he cries because of the schoolpapers that’s been sitting on his study desk, completely forgotten– deadlines almost due, he cries because of the book that he’s reading– he can almost see himself in the character– all broken without repair, he cries because of the cuts and burns on his hands while experimenting some dishes that Sunghoon might’ve like, he cries whenever his eyes land on the couch where he and Sunghoon spend the most of their time together– either lazing around, cuddled up, or making love– oh, can he call it making love when Jay was the only one pining for the other one; he cries and cries because his home smelled like Sunghoon, felt like Sunghoon– is Sunghoon.
Jay is a smart person, his grades never went below 95, he remained the top 1 student on their batch, his blockmates running to him for help whenever they find some problems difficult, but at the same time Jay is just a 20 years old student living far away from his family– being an international student in Seoul, he can’t help but seek shelter, look for a different home and at some point be a 20 years old– make mistakes, choose wrong choices, and one of it is making a person– someone his home; and if love is a course he’s one hundred percent sure his grades will be plummeting.
So when Sunghoon came to his life all broken and in need of mending Jay quickly opened his arms for him– he gave him everything: a place to stay, a bed to lay down, a blanket to warm him up, a cup of tea to soothe his throbbing throat, a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold him as he broke down into pieces– Jay did not hesitate one bit to give everything to Sunghoon even if it means losing himself altogether– even if it’s his turn to end up being broken; that’s how selfless he can be.
Always giving and not expecting anything in return, because that’s how he is– coming from a well off family, it wasn’t hard for Jay to give everything he have, as long as he can– but one thing he doesn’t realize for being a selfless person is that people can and will take advantage of you– and maybe even a smart person that he is failed to realize that– or maybe he’s too blinded with his love for Sunghoon that he failed to see his heart falling into pieces while his bleeding hands pick up the broken pieces of Sunghoon– trying to mend it together.
And at some point, Jay realized how bad the situation is– how he’s slowly ruining himself just to fix a person that doesn’t love him back.
Slowly, with trembling hands Jay picked up his phone on the table and dial Sunghoon’s number, it rang and when he’s supposed to end the call after a few unanswered rings, Sunghoon’s harsh breathing was heard through the line, and Jay knew he called at the wrong time, “What? I’m kind of busy here, I’ll call you back later.” was all he heard before a long beep was replaced.
And that’s when Jay realized he’s had enough– enough of wasting tears and energy for Sunghoon that can’t reciprocate just a bit of his love, enough of the pain that’s been hurting him for the past months, enough of fixing someone just to end being the one who need fixing– he’s had enough and what he and Sunghoon have needs to end.
So even with tears blurring his vision, knees shaking, and a broken heart, he forced himself up and gather all the things on his apartment that screamed Sunghoon: the dishes he made was threw on the bin, the extra utensils that was meant for Sunghoon, the books that Sunghoon read for him every night, Sunghoon’s clothes that lays on the floor, the toothbrush that Sunghoon uses; and as he finished putting all the things that reminds him of Sunghoon on a huge box– with trembling hands he forced to type a message for Sunghoon, “I’ll have your things here in my place delivered on your apartment, I’m moving places and don’t try to find me. I’m done with whatever we have. Goodbye, Sunghoon.”
Jay knew the pain won’t stop just because he had the courage to end whatever he and Sunghoon has– he’ll continue to cry every time he saw something that will remind him of Sunghoon, he’ll continue to miss him– their moments together– but at the same time Jay knew it’s part of the healing process.
Slowly, maybe not now but soon, Jay will realize that he made the right decision to end everything with Sunghoon– because Jay knew it’s his turn to give his love for himself– it’s his turn to pick up the broken pieces of his heart.
Jay chooses to believe that everything will be better again– that a few weeks of aching doesn’t mean forever.