Chapter Text
In hindsight, Reiner realized that he probably should have known what was going to happen. Or at least had a better idea. He hadn’t been able to die earlier, despite how badly he’d wanted to end his own suffering. Why would that change now? Now, when every single person he cared about was dead or dying. Or worse, turned into a titan due to the powers of the monster that had started all of this. His friends, his family. Jean.
That was probably the worst part, and he couldn’t even begin to explain why Jean turning into a titan hurt the most. They’d been friends before, trainees and comrades together on Paradis, and then enemies. Now they were fighting together again, except even that had been ripped away from him. Everything he cared about always got ripped away from him, and he’d had enough. He fought with his whole being. Fought to destroy the spiny creature that had placed this monstrous curse on their bloodline. Armin was with him. Not Bertholdt, but still a friend. Someone he could rely on. And they’d win. No matter what.
He roared, he hardened, he punched. Everything he could until a flash lit up the sky. An explosion, and he heard nothing as blinding white light engulfed him. He felt nothing. And he smiled because even if he was dying now, he was sure he’d succeeded.
The moment of relief, of thinking that he was finally dead, passed, and he was still on the battlefield. Not a titan remained to be seen. Jean was there too, right next to him. Human again just like everyone else. He cried, unable to contain the emotional outburst, the relief that everything was over. Everyone was finally okay.
Everyone except Eren, and Mikasa slipped away with his severed head cradled in her arms. He understood what Eren had done, the memories of their conversation finally returned, but Eren was no hero. Killing most of the world's population in order to rid the world of titans didn't make him a hero. Reiner would never forgive him. And he could tell most everyone else wouldn't either.
He put a hand on Jean's shoulder, checking to make sure the other was alright. His family arrived shortly after that, and with great hesitance, he told his mom, "I don't think I'm the Armored Titan anymore."
And he told himself that was okay. He didn't need to be anymore.
-
It was odd being in Marley with his former comrades. Stranger still was seeing Annie again after so many years and after so many changes. He'd betrayed her too, more than once, leaving her behind on Paradis. Seeing her reminded him of his many many failures, and it fed his guilt in a way he didn't like. It made him desperate for any escape, and that escape generally came in the form of drinking these days. He tried to forget everything, but then all he could do was see the faces of the people he'd hurt while he was sober, and it served to continue the cycle. He decided it was a good thing. Drinking himself numb was better than killing himself.
The worst though was seeing Jean, who looked at him with hurt in his eyes. They'd kissed. Before the fight ended, in one desperate, stupid move, Reiner had kissed him, and now he had no idea what to do about that.
Realistically, he hadn't expected to live through the attack. He should have died on that battlefield; it's what he deserved for being the one who had, to some degree, started all of this. So to him, the kiss had been a selfish last act. He hadn't expected to survive, and he didn't think he expected Jean to survive either, but now here they both were. He had no fucking idea what to do next. He kind of wanted to pretend like it hadn't happened, but every time he saw Jean's face, he realized that Jean must have felt differently.
The confusion and uncertainty he felt only made him more indecisive, and without anyone to talk to, he let himself drown his worries in alcohol. He would get black out drunk every night, and then let the hangover be his punishment. It was easier than facing anything head on.
It worked for weeks as a coping mechanism. Until he got into a fight with someone from Liberio, and the lack of effort he'd been putting into taking care of himself finally became evident when he got his ass beat so badly he had to spend several days in the infirmary to treat his wounds. It hurt. He'd been hurt worse in the past, but as a shifter, he'd healed so much faster that it didn't matter then. This pain reminded him he was a simple human now, and the realization was sobering.
He was visited by his mother, Falco, and Gabi, but he'd been surprised by the frequent stops Armin also made. "Bertholdt really cherished you," Armin admitted, "and I know he wouldn't want to see you like this."
"I don't care what he thinks," Reiner retorted petulantly. "He's gone, and I have to suffer on without him."
"It's not your fault he's dead. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I ate him, after all."
"Most of this is my fault. If I hadn't fucked up, none of this would have happened in the first place. A lot of people wouldn't have died."
"A lot of people also wouldn't be free, either." Armin sighed. "When I was in the Coordinate Plane, time just...passed by differently. It sort of felt like we all were destined to do exactly what we did. That it was predetermined. So maybe there was nothing you could do. Or everything you did was simply your destiny fulfilled."
"So then there is no freedom," Reiner muttered cynically.
Armin sighed. "There was no freedom. The Plane should no longer exist. And even if it does, we aren't bound to it now. I guess what I'm really trying to tell you is that no one benefits from you feeling guilty over your past. It can't be changed. Staying bound to the past and feeling guilty about it doesn't help either. Learn and move forward. That's all any of us can do."
-
Armin's words sat heavy in his mind for several days, even after he left the infirmary and returned home with stitches and a bruised eye. Not all of what Armin had said, but his key points. That Bertholdt wouldn't have wanted to see him like this and that he needed to learn from his mistakes and move forward. But it was hard when it felt like nothing mattered anymore. Nothing had truly mattered to him for years, but now, without a fight or a role or a titan, he felt like he truly had no purpose. What was he supposed to do now?
It was then that Jean's face flashed in his mind. If nothing else, he could sort that out. What that kiss had meant to him, and if he wanted it to mean more. It was at least one step forward, and one step was better than none.
After his stay in the hospital, Armin came to visit him at home frequently. Sometimes with others, but most often by himself. Maybe it was Bertholdt's memories driving him to care so much, Reiner considered, but Armin was kind regardless. He'd always been kind. He supposed the two were similar like that.
"How are you doing, Reiner?" Armin asked as he made his way around the small dormitory Reiner called home.
"Fine."
"The Marleyan government is discussing creating a group of Eldian ambassadors. To show the world that we are no longer the threat they think us to be."
"Why are you telling me this?" Reiner asked.
"Because I thought maybe you'd be interested in joining."
He pulled a face, uncertain.
"You don't have to decide right now. It'll be a few years until they let us leave. And it'll be a long time until we get to go back to Paradis."
"I'd happily never go there again," Reiner said bitterly.
"I...don't think you really believe that."
Silence flooded the room, awkwardly stifling the air around them. Reiner didn't like being alone with his thoughts, but he also didn't like being stuck in a conversation like this. Armin could go if this is what he wanted to talk about. That would have been fine.
Armin cleared his throat and drew his attention after several minutes of silence. "Jean is upset with you. He wouldn't tell me why though."
Reiner fought back the flush that threatened to spread across his face. "It's probably because of Marco. Everyone heard him say he wouldn't forgive me for that."
With one look, he knew Armin knew he was lying. "And he punched you in the face for it. We saw that too. But he seems to have gotten past that, and this seemed to be a fresher wound, anyway," Armin said. "He was pretty bitter when I said I was visiting you this afternoon. Like he wants you to come see him or something."
Reiner sighed. "He probably does. I just...don't know what to say to him. I haven't sorted things out yet." And he hadn't. He'd tried, but he couldn't figure out what he wanted with Jean.
"Maybe talking with him would help," Armin suggested innocently enough. Reiner suspected that Armin had gotten an idea of what was happening. He was too smart and observant to have not at least formed a theory regarding the cause of Jean's discontent. Reiner wouldn't confirm that though, and he simply nodded in agreement. After all, Armin probably was right. Talking with Jean would almost certainly help him figure out something.
-
Unexpectedly, he ran into Jean the next day on his way to the market. They stared at each other for too long, long enough that Reiner got bumped into from behind, and then Jean turned on his heel and started walking away. Conflicted for only a moment over whether he should follow him or not, Reiner quickly rushed after him.
"Jean!" he called out. "Wait!"
Jean must not have heard him over the din of conversation in the market area. It was certainly noisy, though part of Reiner worried that Jean was ignoring him on purpose. That thought hurt, but he tried to keep it at bay. He took longer strides, hurrying through the crowd as best as he could manage, following after Jean, who was thankfully taller than most.
Jean stepped out of the throng into a narrow alleyway, stopping to wait for him, and Reiner headed after him. Jean watched him coming, their eyes meeting, and he simply waited for him with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked intimidating like that, Reiner thought, and his greeting when Reiner finally arrived only further cemented that impression. "You look like shit, Reiner."
"Good to see you too," he said, trying not to let himself shrink away from Jean's irritated tone. "I actually wanted to talk to you."
"You've had weeks to come see me. Months, actually. But you didn't," Jean said with a scowl. "Has talking to Armin made you realize you're a dumbass?"
"I have been...struggling with things. Everything. I don't know what to tell you."
There was an awkward moment between them as they stood two feet apart, Jean staring at him and Reiner's gaze to the ground. Jean huffed, then said, "You wanted to talk? Start talking."
Reiner took a moment to gather his thoughts, but he knew they were going to come out as a jumbled mess no matter how much he tried to prepare so he just let it all go. "I feel lost. I feel like a part of me is gone now that I'm no longer the Armored Titan. I was ready to die. I wanted to die. You know I thought about killing myself? The day Eren attacked Liberio, I had a gun to my mouth, but I didn't even have the courage to go through with it. I'm a half-assed piece of shit. My life was only ever going to be a couple more years anyway, so I was prepared to do my duty and die. I never thought of doing anything beyond that, but you gave me a push during a moment I was going to let it be over. I kissed you selfishly then, because if I was going to die, I wanted to do something for myself, and I was so grateful to you for helping give me the strength to go on, even if for just a few more moments. But I never thought we'd both be here after that. You maybe, but not me. So I just...don't know what to do."
"Did you ever consider what I might want?" Jean asked, sharply enough that Reiner flinched.
"No," he admitted quietly.
"Annie's right. You really are a selfish asshole. But I guess I am too." Jean shifted, stepping closer, and Reiner looked up to see Jean right in front of him. Their faces were inches apart, and Jean was tilting his head just so, and Reiner pieced it together just in time to feel Jean's lips on his. It wasn't a deep kiss, nor did it last very long, but it left Reiner breathless and confused.
"W-why?" he stuttered.
"Why do you think?"
He thought he knew why, but it didn't really make sense for Jean to like him. Not after everything he'd done to hurt the other man through the years. It was either payback for Reiner's kiss weeks ago, or Jean actually liked him, and he wasn't sure which idea scared him more. It would almost be easier if it was just petty revenge, but Jean looked too earnest. He'd always been honest and easy to read, and Reiner knew by looking at him that Jean had feelings for him. Which was stupid and unbelievable, and Reiner was struggling to grasp how it could have happened. Jean could do so much better than him. "You shouldn't, Jean. I'm not worth it."
Jean sighed, obviously irritated with him. "Maybe not, but I'm willing to take a chance."
"Can I think about it first?" Reiner asked, half panicking. "If we are going to...be involved with each other, I want to be sure."
"Yeah," Jean agreed. "But don't keep me waiting forever."
Jean turned and left after that, and Reiner's heart raced in his chest. He almost felt sick. Jean liked him, Jean had just kissed him, and he needed to figure out what he wanted. For now, he needed to actually get to the market, he decided. That's what he'd left his place to do in the first place, and Jean would wait for him to make his choice.
-
"Did you talk to Jean?" Armin asked as he made himself at home in Reiner's dorm room. Why Armin insisted on spending so much time with him, Reiner would never truly know. Maybe he was lonely. His closest friends were gone. Reiner understood that feeling well enough, but he didn't think he'd pick himself as ideal company for combating loneliness. He figured it was a side effect of having Bertholdt's memories influencing him, but despite his confusion about it, Reiner didn't dislike the company. "He seemed to be in a better mood."
Reiner nodded, not seeing any reason to lie and believing Armin would see through it anyway. "I ran into him at the market."
"He's worried for you," Armin said. "We all are."
"I'm fine."
"I know you're not. None of us are fine. You don't have to lie to me."
"I'm fine enough. I'm getting by. Jean is just...his concern is different."
"He likes you," Armin said matter-of-factly.
Reiner stared at him in disbelief for several seconds too long. "H-how do you know that?"
Armin laughed softly. "I'm not blind, Reiner. I've only survived this long because of how quickly I can piece together things happening around me. I recognized the way Jean was talking about you like he was a scorned lover. I'm not the most versed person when it comes to relationships, but I've seen enough to know what this is."
Reiner sighed, admitting defeat. Armin knew the truth, and there was no way attempts to deceive him would work. So instead he asked, "Do you think it's a good idea? Being with him, I mean."
"It's really not up to what I think. It's your choice."
Reiner grit his teeth. "I just want some input," he insisted, "and you're probably the smartest person I know. What do you think?"
Armin debated for a moment before sighing. "I don't think it'll be easy. The Marleyans look down on all of us, and we're still considered to be the Island Devils even after saving the world. You'll struggle a lot. People won't understand. There will be people who are mad because you're spending your time with an enemy or with a man. But I do think you'd work well together, and other people's opinions don't matter very much anyway."
Reiner nodded thoughtfully. "Why do you think we'd work well together?" he asked, curious.
"Because you've both suffered the same kinds of losses and are here trying to sort out your future. I think you can figure it out together. And I think everything we've, you've, gone through together will form a solid basis for a relationship."
It was a reasonable point of view in Reiner's opinion, and he couldn't really argue with it.
Armin continued, asking him, "Do you like Jean?"
"I don't dislike him."
Judging from his irritated huff, Armin clearly did not like that answer. "Do you want to be with him? He really likes you, Reiner, but if you aren't interested, you need to let him know. Stringing him along will just hurt him unnecessarily."
"I don't know. I...kissed him, but I don't know if I actually like him. I asked Jean to give me some time to figure it out. He seemed okay with that."
Armin crossed his arms over his chest, looking decidedly larger and more imposing than his small stature would normally grant him. "You need to figure it out, though. Don't avoid it or run away from it."
"I'm not going to. I've already thought about it a lot. I just need more time." He knew he sounded too desperate in his desire to end this conversation. It was too uncomfortable, and part of him thought that this was Bertholdt returning the favor from all those years ago, when he'd tried pressuring his closest friend into asking the girl he liked out. Bertholdt never got that chance, but he supposed, in a way, Armin had done that for him.
Armin changed the topic of conversation after that, talking about politics and planning and other things that Reiner didn't care about anymore. To be honest, he'd never really cared about them. He'd just wanted the glory of being a warrior and the perks that came with it for him and his mom. It had all been for himself. Maybe he was as selfish as Jean and Annie had said he was. But maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.
-
He'd thought a lot about his selfishness the past few days, as well as the many other insults he could sling at himself. Half-assed. Stupid. Ugly. Irresolute. A traitor. A liar. The list went on and on. He came to the conclusion that the reason he couldn't bring himself to make a decision was that he still didn't think he deserved anything good or nice. He deserved to suffer for his stupidity and recklessness. A punishment for his many sins.
Armin hadn't said anything else about him needing to answer Jean, but he knew he needed to do it. He was leaning toward embracing his selfishness and going ahead with a relationship, but it still scared him. He didn't know what to say to Jean either or what they would do together, but maybe he could allow himself one nice thing.
It was Armin who orchestrated his next meeting with Jean, and Reiner was mostly convinced he'd done it on purpose. He had asked Reiner over for a few drinks, failing to mention that he was actually sharing a place with Jean and Connie. Annie was there too, and Reiner could hardly look her in the eye. She stuck close to Armin, which wasn't a surprise considering that the two had been dating for a couple of months. That was probably Bertholdt's influence, but Reiner got the impression that Annie truly did like Armin.
Watching them interact was weird though because he glimpsed the softer side of Annie he'd rarely seen, even after all their years together. And maybe a part of him was jealous too. He wanted that closeness for himself, and that made the fact that Jean's gaze was locked on him even weirder. He found Jean staring at him both flattering and embarrassing at the same time, and the whole situation made him want to drink. So against his better judgement, the voice in his head that said that drinking with everyone was a mistake, he did so.
The liquor went down easy. Probably too easy. But it felt nice to have that familiar burn in his throat again, the fuzziness in his brain that helped dull the pain. He didn't have to think about the weight of his sins like this.
"Reiner, you should head home," Connie said after a while, pulling him out of a stupor he hadn't realized he was in. "Before you black out."
Jean looked over at him, disappointment clear on his face. "He's not going to make it himself. I'll walk him home."
Reiner tried to protest, but Jean grabbed him by the arm and started leading him out the door. He stumbled after the taller man, struggling to keep up, but his hazy mind was panicking. Jean was walking him home, and his place was a wreck. Jean didn't need to see that. He didn't need to see all of Reiner's struggles laid bare. In fact, the closer they got, the more Reiner fought to get away from him.
In the end, it was a pointless endeavor. Reiner was too drunk to get out of Jean's grasp. They hadn't spoken the entire walk back, and as they approached Reiner's apartment, Reiner tried to simply say thanks and leave Jean at the door, but Jean pushed through his feeble attempts to close the door, sliding in behind him. To Reiner's relief, he didn't comment on the messiness of the apartment, simply leaning back against the door and watching him. That, paired with the mess, had Reiner feeling self-conscious.
"Have you thought about it?" Jean finally asked, breaking the tense silence between them.
"Yeah," Reiner admitted. "I have."
"Have you made up your mind?"
He froze, unsure what to say, his mouth hanging open. He'd thought about it, but he still wasn't sure. He wanted to, and yet he didn't at the same time. He was conflicted, far more than he wanted to be, and he couldn't sort his feelings. Plus, the alcohol was making it even harder.
Jean sighed heavily, sounding disappointed and jarring him from his wandering thoughts. "I guess not…"
Reiner felt guilty, which seemingly was the only thing he was good at anymore. He maybe should have left it at that and let Jean go back, but he stepped closer and reached out for Jean instead. "I'm leaning toward yes, if that means anything."
Jean considered for a moment, looking at him thoughtfully. "Would you let me try to persuade you?"
Reiner nodded, and then Jean was kissing him. More than just kissing him, if he was honest. Jean's tongue was in his mouth, tasting him, and his fingers danced along Reiner's skin. Jean wasn't holding him there either, giving him the option to stay or go, but Reiner didn't want to leave. It felt nice, and he wanted it to continue. Jean leaned forward, moving his lips to Reiner's neck and gently nibbling at the flesh, pressing kisses right below his ear. Jean's hands slid down to cup his ass, pulling their bodies flush together. That was when Reiner finally felt Jean's erection, poking against the top of his thigh.
It was oddly satisfying, knowing Jean was turned on because of him. And he liked that Jean was just a little bit taller than him. Not intimidatingly so, but enough. He even liked the feel of stubble grazing against his neck and Jean's masculine scent. All of it was hitting him at once, flooding his senses, and he was getting turned on too. Maybe that was also the alcohol, but he didn't think he could blame his reaction entirely on the alcohol.
Jean pushed him back after several minutes, gasping for breath. "I'd love to continue this, but I should go," he said.
Reiner panicked though, reaching out for him and holding him close. Jean didn't resist, resting against Reiner's chest as though this wasn't new or unusual. As if he wanted to be there. He does want to be here , Reiner realized, and it was the catalyst for his decision. He could do this. He wanted this. He didn't really think as he let himself sink to his knees and freed Jean from his trousers. With his back against the front door and Reiner kneeling before him, Jean seemingly had no protests, and Reiner didn't stop until they both were finished; Jean in his mouth and Reiner in his own hand.
Jean bent down and kissed him on the forehead as he tucked himself back into his trousers. Reiner wrapped a hand around his wrist before he turned and left. "I'm convinced," he said softly.
Jean smiled, looking content for the first time in a while. "Okay."