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Fame has its consequences. Jeonghan heard that a lot, but he did not believe it. He did not believe it until he chose to move to California for his career and be away from the comfort of his home. He did not believe it until he had to come home to his empty apartment every day.
Jeonghan went inside his apartment, turned the lights on, put the trophy on the table, and let out a heavy sigh as he lay down on the couch. He just won the best actor award today, but he did not feel like anything special happened.
"And thank you, most especially, to Seungcheol. Thank you for supporting me since day one. I love you," Jeonghan said before he ended his speech. He had the brightest smile that moment.
He walked up to the stage with a smile and went back to his seat, holding the trophy that shined with pride. He felt ecstatic, but that feeling only lasted during the ceremony. After that, he felt like he was a man who fell from cloud nine. He loved his job, but at times like this, he could not help but to question his decision.
Do I really want this? Jeonghan thought. He knew he wanted his. Every time he would ask himself with that question, the answer was always yes. He loved his job, but he hated that he had to sacrifice a lot to maintain it.
Jeonghan sighed again. The room suddenly felt bigger; he could not bear to stay longer. Most of the time, this place did not give him comfort. So he only went home when he was already exhausted, and there was no space to feel how empty his apartment was. Maybe he wasn’t tired enough to go home.
He wanted to go out. And the first place that came to his mind was the beach.
Jeonghan removed his shoes as soon as he reached the shore. He felt a little relief when the sand touched his bare feet. He didn’t get close to the waters, but the sand on where he was standing was damp and cold, in contrast to the dry wind that was blowing on his face and ruffling his hair.
After standing there for a couple of minutes, he searched for a place where he could sit. When his eyes found one, he immediately sat down and placed his shoes beside him.
Sighing heavily, Jeonghan lay down on the sand, placing his arm under his head. “I’m so tired,” he said, groaning.
He closed his eyes and tried to relax. He could feel the warm breeze and he could hear the faint sound of waves. And with every splash of water, a memory flashed back on his mind. Like how he and Seungcheol love to go to beaches.
When Jeonghan was still in South Korea, he and Seungcheol usually went to the beach to relax and have some time together. He was the one who loved going to beaches, while Seungcheol loved long drives and conversations. That was how they enjoyed their trips.
If Seungcheol were here, he would probably carry Jeonghan and throw him to the sea. Or Jeonghan would push him hard then run for his life. Or when the water was cold, they would play rock-paper-scissors, and the loser would dive in first.
If only he were here , Jeonghan thought.
Jeonghan opened his eyes, trying to stop the memories from rolling. He stared at the sky above and realized that the memories would not just stop from flashing back.
This was the first time he noticed how the sky was filled with stars and how the moon was shining brightly above him. It made him suddenly remember how they would lay down on the sand and talk about the most random things while admiring the view above them.
“Make a wish,” Seungcheol giggled as he turned his head to Jeonghan. They just saw a shooting star fall and Seungcheol was so happy about it.
Jeonghan looked at him. “Why would I do that?”
Seungcheol groaned. “It’s a thing,” he replied. “You know, people make a wish when they see a shooting star.”
“It’s a thing to make a wish upon something that is falling?” Jeonghan chuckled, looking back to the sky. “That’s silly.”
But now, Jeonghan wishes on a star whenever he sees one, like how he made his first wish three months after he moved to California. He was still adjusting that time, and the feeling of being out of place was inescapable. So when he saw a shooting star, he wished to be with Seungcheol even for a week.
Still staring at the sky, Jeonghan spotted a shooting star and he watched it until it disappeared from his sight. He made a wish, like he always does, and was still the same. But this time, he wanted to be with Seungcheol for good.
Just as if his boyfriend could hear his thoughts, he received a call from him, and Jeonghan picked up the phone after a few rings. “Hello?”
“Hi, baby.” Seungcheol said on the other line. “Where are you?”
”Oh, I’m at the beach right now,” he replied. “Why?”
“You didn’t attend the party?”
Seungcheol was talking about the party after the awards show. Jeonghan did not feel like celebrating, so he chose to go home. And by hearing that Seungcheol knew about the award show and he did not even congratulate him. Jeonghan didn’t know if he would just let it pass or be disappointed about it. He chose the former.
“Can we talk again later?” It wasn’t a question—it was a request. “I’m not really in the mood to talk right now.”
“Of course,” Seungcheol replied. “I’ll call you back later.”
Jeonghan hung up the call and closed his eyes again. It was almost midnight and he knew this day wasn’t supposed to end like this. He was supposed to be happy, but it seemed like happiness was a luxury he could not afford, even when he had everything a man could wish for. Jeonghan just let himself feel what he was feeling that moment, and waited for Seungcheol to call again. He realized he wanted to hear his voice and it was a stupid decision to hung up the call.
After fifteen minutes, Seungcheol called him again.
“Hey,” Seungcheol greeted. “Are you okay now?”
“Yeah.”
“Still at the beach?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Nothing. I just miss going to the beach with you,” Seungcheol said.
Jeonghan sighed and stared at the sky again. The stars were like glitters shining on a black surface—they looked so bright and lively. While he was here, all alone. “I feel so lonely here,” he whispered unconsciously.
And just like happiness, fame does come with a price, too. Like how you get treated like a god so people could throw stones when you made the slightest mistake. Or how you get blinded by insecurities. Or it could be how you have to be what other people want you to be. But for Jeonghan, perhaps this is the price he had to pay. The loneliness. The constant longing for comfort.
“What was that, baby?” Seungcheol asked. “I didn’t catch what you said.”
“I said I wish you were here,” he lied, though it was not completely a lie.
“You know I can’t.”
“I’m not asking you to come,” Jeonghan explained. Seungcheol couldn’t just leave Seoul and he was too busy to go home, so it had been two years since they last saw each other. Jeonghan understands though. What else could he do? He was the one who chose to move here in the first place. “I just wished you were here,” he added.
“We’re not going to fight because of this, right?” Seungcheol asked, voice was patient as ever.
“Of course.”
“Okay,” Seungcheol replied. “I really hate it when we fight.”
“Me too.”
Then there was silence. Both wanted to talk, but neither spoke. Perhaps neither of them knew what to say next.
“I miss you,” Jeonghan whispered, and he knew Seungcheol heard him. He rarely told him how much he misses him because it would only make him dwell on his emotions. He would rather bury it than cry every night, but not tonight.
“I miss you more,” Seungcheol said. “No words can express how much I’m missing you every day.”
Jeonghan stayed quiet. He did not trust himself to talk.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asked, noticing how Jeonghan suddenly went quiet.
“Yeah,” he replied shortly, though it didn't hide the crack in his voice.
“Sounds like a lie.”
Jeonghan knew that. He could win the best actor award, but he could not put an act when it comes to Seungcheol. The latter knows him from the look in his eyes to the tone of his voice. He knows him that well.
“I’m okay, really.”
“Can you turn around?” Seungcheol demanded. “I just want to see if you’re telling the truth.”
“You’re not even here. How would you—” Jeonghan sat up and looked behind him.
Jeonghan’s eyes widened as soon as he saw the man standing just a few feet behind him. He felt like his whole body froze; he couldn’t move, but he could feel the trembling of his hands. His eyes were also starting to burn; he didn’t blink since he saw him. He was scared that the Seungcheol he was seeing was a brittle illusion that would easily vanish from his sight, so he kept his eyes wide open.
“Are you just going to stare at me?” Seungcheol shouted.
Jeonghan did not waste his time. He got on his feet and ran to Seungcheol. The moment he hugged him, Jeonghan felt like the weight on his shoulders disappeared and he couldn’t help but cry.
Seungcheol chuckled and wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s waist, pulling him closer. After a couple of seconds, he broke off from the hug and stared at his lover for a second.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asked as he wiped the tears on Jeonghan’s cheek.
Jeonghan shook his head. “No,” he confessed. “No, I’m not.”
Seungcheol pulled him to a hug again, wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Why?” Jeonghan rested his chin on Seungcheol’s shoulder.
“It took me two years to come here.”
“No.” Jeonghan pulled away from the hug. “Why would you say that?”
Seungcheol shrugged. They promised not to blame themselves for the choices they made because even though their situation was hard, they knew they could make it work. But sometimes, he just couldn’t help but to feel guilty.
Jeonghan tried to change the topic. “What was the bag for?” He pointed to the bag beside Seungcheol.
“For the blanket and food. I was about to go to your apartment and ask you to go to the beach,” Seungcheol explained. “But you were already here.”
Jeonghan nodded, though his mind couldn’t really process what Seungcheol just said.
Seungcheol seemed to notice how Jeonghan was still spacing out, so he pulled him by the waist and kissed his forehead before he held his hand and walked to the place where Jeonghan was lying down earlier.
Seungcheol took the blanket from his bag and spread it neatly on the sand. He told Jeonghan to sit down, to which the latter gladly complied. Then he took the food and they started eating.
After they finished eating, Seungcheol rested his head on Jeonghan’s lap and asked him to talk about his experiences here.
Jeonghan did all the talking while Seungcheol had his full attention on him. Most of the stories were not new to Seungcheol, but he listened to Jeonghan like it was his first time hearing those stories. They also talked about the film academy awards and it turned out that Seungcheol couldn’t watch it because he was busy packing and unpacking things. He just knew it happened today because Jeonghan told him about it.
Jeonghan felt bad about it, so he talked more about his good experiences. He would either talk about the fun experiences or take out the struggles to make it look fun. He didn't want to ruin the moment. Still, Jeonghan should have known that he was not a stranger in Seungcheol's eye.
“Was it hard?” Seungcheol asked.
Jeonghan played with Seungcheol’s hair, curling some strands with his finger, before he answered: “It was bearable.” He smiled at him.
Seungcheol knew what Jeonghan meant when he said it was bearable. It was not about how the pain was too little; he was able to bear it. It was about how the pain was consistently high, Jeonghan built a tolerance to it. But having high tolerance doesn't mean it didn't hurt; you just learned how to endure it.
“I wish I could do more to make you feel better,” Seungcheol whispered.
“What are you talking about?” Jeonghan softly slapped Seungcheol’s shoulder. “I will get mad if you keep on talking like that.”
“I just couldn’t stop thinking about it,” Seungcheol replied. “It was hard for me and I know it was harder for you. And I couldn’t do anything.”
“You’re the only reason why everything was bearable for me!” Jeonghan cried.
That was true. Jeonghan may not be very vocal about it and he could be very petty sometimes, but he was aware of the things Seungcheol had to sacrifice for him. Like his sleep.
Jeonghan knew Seungcheol would stay up until one o’clock in the morning so he could greet him good morning then he would just hang up the call, leaving Jeonghan smiling like a fool. It was more than enough for him. It was everything he needed to survive another day.
Seungcheol was about to speak again, but he noticed the tears forming on the corner of his boyfriend's eyes. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll stop talking about it.”
Jeonghan nodded and caressed his cheeks. "I hate it when you talk like that."
Seungcheol held his hand. He looked at Jeonghan with his puppy eyes and said, "I'm sorry."
“I’m going home in six months,” Jeonghan said, smiling. “How long are you going to stay here?”
“Two weeks.”
They stayed quiet for a minute. Seungcheol closed his eyes, while Jeonghan was playing with his hair. “You look lovely, babe,” Jeonghan said.
Seungcheol suddenly opened his eyes and stood up. Jeonghan’s hand was still in the air. “Where are you going?” Jeonghan asked.
“Dance with me?” Seungcheol smiled sheepishly at him and held out his hand.
Jeonghan laughed, shaking his head. “You are so unbelievable.” He held his hand and stood up.
Then there they were, slow dancing under the moon whose light reflected on the dark sea. There was no music, so they just let the waves sing as the beat of their hearts guided their feet.
Jeonghan rested his head on Seungcheol's shoulder and loosely wrapped his arms around his neck. There was a part of him who was scared that everything about this was not real, so Jeonghan tightened his hug, not wanting to let go of his lover.
“Do you think the water is cold?” Seungcheol whispered, and Jeonghan could feel his breath on his neck.
Jeonghan stopped moving. He didn’t know if Seungcheol tightened his grip on his waist, but having his hands there was a threat for him, so he immediately backed away. “Don’t you dare.” He glared at him.
Seungcheol laughed, obviously satisfied with the reaction. “I’m just kidding.”
Jeonghan rolled his eyes, and Seungcheol pulled him close as an apology. "You want to know a secret?" Jeonghan asked.
"Sure."
Jeonghan smiled at him. "Even if I won all the awards in the whole world, receiving your love will always be the greatest honor of my life."
Seungcheol chuckled. "Where did you get that?”
Jeonghan smiled. “I’ve been rehearsing that in my mind for a long time now.”
“Really?” Seungcheol asked, eyes beaming with amusement.
Jeonghan turned to poker face. “No,” he replied, which made Seungcheol look at him with narrowed eyes. “It just popped up in my mind while I was looking at you when you were laughing.”
Jeonghan gasped when Seungcheol suddenly pulled him closer by the waist and hid his face on the crook of his neck. “What’s wrong, baby?” Jeonghan slightly pushed Seungcheol to see his face, but the latter just tightened his hug.
“Are you shy?” Jeonghan softly chuckled. “I’m just telling the truth, though.”
Seungcheol pulled away from the hug and looked at Jeonghan. “Are you having fun?”
Nodding, Jeonghan cupped Seungcheol’s cheek and kissed him on the lips. "I missed you so much."
Seungcheol smiled widely, his cheeks started to hurt. “Let’s go home,” he said, and held Jeonghan’s hand, swaying it as they walked.
They folded the blanket and picked up their trash. They put everything back inside the bag and scanned the place, double-checking if there was any trash left. When the place was clean, Seungcheol zipped the bag and hooked it on his shoulders.
“We should go to the hotel you’re staying in first,” Jeonghan stated.
Seungcheol nodded and held Jeonghan’s hand as they started to walk.
“How much did the fare cost you? And the hotel?” Jeonghan asked.
“Not that much.”
Jeonghan frowned. “Ya, Choi Seungcheol,” he said. “I told you to be practical when spending your money.”
“Do you want to know a secret, too?” Seungcheol asked.
Jeonghan nodded.
“I'm not a fan of rap, but I can listen to you all day,” Seungcheol said, which earned a glare from the younger. “Ya!” Jeonghan hissed.
Seungcheol laughed. “You worry too much.” He intertwined their fingers. “Let’s talk about it when we get home.”
Jeonghan nodded. “We definitely need to talk about it.”
Seungcheol laughed again, and Jeonghan just watched him with so much adoration rather than annoyance. It was almost impossible not to smile when Seungcheol looked this lovely beside him.
Seungcheol stopped walking and turned his head at Jeonghan. "Why?"
Still smiling, Jeonghan shook his head. "Nothing," he replied. "Let's go."
"Come on, it's okay to admit it," Seungcheol said, and Jeonghan raised his brows at him. "You probably thinking, 'Oh my boyfriend looks so handsome right now. What did I do to deserve him?' right now. It's okay, baby, you can admit it now."
Jeonghan scoffed and shook his head in disbelief.
"Do you want to know another secret?" Seungcheol asked randomly, and Jeonghan nodded in response.
"I applied to a company here," he said. "I mean, you're too far, you know. So I thought that if I work here, it would be easier for us."
Jeonghan's eye widened. "Are you really going to do that?"
"Are you really going to go home in six months?" Seungcheol asked. His decision literally rely on Jeonghan and not on him.
"Yeah." Jeonghan smiled at him.
"I'll just wait for you, then."
Jeonghan nodded. He wondered what kind of kindness did he do to deserve Seungcheol.
"I have another secret to tell," Seungcheol said.
Jeonghan laughed. "How many secrets do you have there, baby?"
"This is the last one."
Jeonghan nodded. "Okay."
"I'm so proud of you." Seungcheol smiled and tightened his hold on Jeonghan's hand. "Don't you ever forget that."
Jeonghan smiled, feeling the tears forming in his eyes. He rested his head on Seungcheol's shoulder as they continued to walk. Things were not easy as they seemed, but having Seungcheol beside him always make things better.
It wasn't easy for them, but they make it work. Six months should not be too long now. And after that, no one needs to fly for more than ten hours of flight just to see each other.