Chapter Text
Alex was, as usual, bored. They had just come back from conquering the kingdom of Chad, with two of The Chadster’s arms as spoils of war. It was the fifth kingdom Alex had conquered in the past week, and the battles had gotten extremely repetitive. Alex had little interest in actually ruling a kingdom, but their mother had wanted to retire peacefully, and it wasn’t as though there was anyone else more capable of the job. Alex had thought that fighting the best and strongest of the neighboring kingdoms would at least bring some entertainment, so they had waged war on every other land in the continent. Unfortunately, the fights had been extremely disappointing. Perhaps Alex would leave the rest of the fighting to their actual army.
“Your majesty,” a voice said, startling Alex. Before destroying the intruder to their throne room, Alex looked up and realized it was just Toaster, their advisor. Which was a fancy way of saying the person who actually did the work of running the kingdom that Alex found too boring to do.
“I see you have returned from the battle,” Toaster said. She did not ask how it went, because that was a stupid question. “Shall I send an envoy to the former capital of Chad?”
“Sure, go ahead,” Alex replied, distracted. Perhaps they should take up botany. A royal garden could be a good pastime.
Toaster turned to leave the room, then turned back, remembering something. “Oh yes, by the way, your mother wanted to speak with you.”
Alex perked up at that. “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”
As soon as Toaster left the room, Alex teleported outside their mother’s study and knocked.
“Come in, dear,” their mother invited.
Alex walked into her room. “You wanted to speak to me?”
“Oh yes, come, sit,” she said, putting a book to the side and patting the seat of the couch she was sitting in. As soon as Alex sat next to her, she took their hands in hers and began. “I know you’ve been bored lately.” She eyed the two arms Alex was still holding in a mix of amusement, concern, and exasperation. Chad had an alliance with several of the other kingdoms Alex had conquered, so this was not the first time Alex had stolen The Chadster’s arms. These would make 37. Chad must have an amazing healer sequestered away somewhere, since the king kept growing new arms. He had about six at any given time, which was not unusual for his people, but Alex didn’t think they were generally capable of limb regrowth. Their mother did not disapprove of their penchant for arm-stealing, but she found it strange Alex hadn’t just killed The Chadster yet. That they were playing with their food like this was a sure sign of boredom. “So I thought maybe you’d find things more interesting if you weren’t so lonely all the time. I know how hard it can be as a single ruler.” Their mother was staring intently into their eyes now, as though pleading with Alex to listen to her. Alex generally had no trouble doing as their mother wished. She was a good mother. But Alex could see where this was going and did not like it at all.
“Mother—”
“I just want you to meet her, baby. She’s one of the daughters of King Hammer, and I’ve heard she’s very good at smashing people’s heads in. Maybe you’ll like her. She enjoys theater—”
“I’m already courting someone!” Alex interrupted. Alex was not, in fact, already courting someone. Alex had no interest in courting anyone. Alex had panicked.
“Really?” their mother asked, surprised but happy. “Who? When did you meet them? What are they like?”
Alex’s mind went blank. They blurted the first thing they thought of: “While conquering Chad.” They struggled to add any information that would make what they had just said make more sense. “They were one of The Chadster’s squires.” Alex swore, they were usually more eloquent than this, but for some reason around people they loved, they suddenly lost all higher level thought. The Chadster really did have a concerningly large number of squires following him into battle most of the time. Alex generally tried not to kill them. They could rarely even wield a sword, and almost never had strong magical abilities. It would be like killing a newborn kitten. Alex wondered why The Chadster even brought the squires into battle in the first place. It would be much more logical to bring only fully trained knights and warriors.
“A squire,” their mother said, sounding a bit more suspicious now. “When did you even have time to begin courting this squire, Alex?
Alex backtracked quickly. “Well, I’m not really courting them yet. But I intend to!”
“And how do you plan to do that?”
“I will…” Alex grasped their brain for an idea. What had Toaster been saying earlier? The envoy! “I will join the envoy to the former capital of Chad, and seek out the squire while we appoint new leaders and scout their current people to decide who to recruit!” Shit, now Alex had committed to going to Chad City (which the capital of Chad had been eloquently named).
Their mother’s eyes twinkled with mirth. Or possibly due to her powers. “Well, good luck then, baby. I’ll let King Hammer know not to send his daughter over.”
When Alex arrived at Chad City, they were beginning to regret not just meeting the princess. There wasn’t anything unpleasant about the city itself. Despite its unfortunate name, it was a beautiful city, with impossible architecture that could have been built only by magic, and a bustling market, as well as a great variety of shops, all surrounding a frankly breathtaking castle. Alex would have to hire some of the architects who had worked on it. However, the envoy (which Toaster had been extremely surprised to learn Alex wanted to join), was here on business. Boring business. Conquering a kingdom in battle was only the first step in integrating it into one's own kingdom. After that came all the bureaucratic mess Alex hated. This was what Toaster was for. One aspect Alex found slightly less boring was scouting the ranks of the previous king’s administration for talent. However, this time Alex couldn’t even participate in that. If they didn’t want their mother to find out they had lied to her, they needed to find one of The Chadster’s squires and somehow convince them to return home with Alex and be courted, or at least pretend to be. Then after a while Alex could say the courtship had failed, the squire would leave, and Alex could pretend to be too heartbroken to search for someone else.
Plan in mind, Alex split up from the envoy to locate the barracks where the squires stayed. They were not far from the castle, in the greens surrounding it, and Alex arrived there quickly without needing to teleport. They barged in without knocking. Immediately, all of the squires who had been lounging around, resting or playing dice games, froze like a mouse in front of a snake, staring at Alex in fear. All except one. A squire, who actually had a bit of a resemblance to The Chadster, was cooking something in a small kitchen at the side of the building. The squire looked up at Alex, but then turned back to their cooking and continued what they were doing as though nothing was wrong. Alex immediately zeroed in on them.
“You,” Alex said, pointing at the squire.
They looked back up at Alex. “Me?” they asked.
“Yes,” Alex replied. “Come with me.”
The squire continued cooking. The rest of the squires were staring at the exchange, still frozen in fear. “I’m kinda in the middle of something here, dude,” the squire who was cooking said.
Alex considered this. If they were going to ask this person such a huge favor, they should probably at least attempt to get on their good side. “Then the rest of you, out!”
It took a moment for Alex’s words to process, but then the other squires all scrambled out of the building in a mad rush.
“What is your name?” Alex asked.
“Morgan.” Morgan seemed unbothered by everything that was going on.
“Do you know who I am, Morgan?”
“Sure I do.” Morgan looked up with a grin this time. “You’re the one who keeps stealing Chad’s arms.”