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It’s a miracle they still manage to stay at a rather nice inn that night. Warm night breeze blows his brown hair as Goku leans on the open window, looking up at the bright full moon. The same moon which witnessed the fire that swallowed up the whole village and the remaining youkai the night before. His eyelids become heavy by the thought, his golden orbs looking far to the mountain range.
These past weeks have been hard on the growing young adult. It all began when he woke up with fragmented memories of him fighting his very friends, learning afterwards that Sanzo went away because of him. Going separate ways, Hakkai, Gojyo, and him arrived and were received by the youkais at the struggling village, and Goku got close to a youkai teenage girl just to see her… give her life away for her cause. The young adult closes his eyes. Throughout their journey, they’ve lost many people before, friends and foes, and he never felt as desperate. Why is this happening now? Goku scratches his head, feeling his head getting hot.
Goku sighs and touches his lips, recalling the unexpected event. Is it because of the kiss?
“Don’t fret, monkey. Everyone’s looking for love, but we can’t expect much about it. That’s how the world works.” Gojyo may have said that to cheer him up, but Goku knew there was a hidden meaning when he saw the solemn red eyes.
But… is he really in love with the youkai teenager? Goku looks faraway, trying to remember what he liked about the teenager. He did get a little giddy sometimes when they spent time together. For example, when she ordered them around, when she’s serious with her work, when she showed how firm she was with her standing ground. When she’s being stubborn, moving forward with her decision even though it would cost her life. It’s as if…
Smooth golden hair suddenly pops in his mind. “Sanzo…” Goku rises up and leans forward, his hands clenching on the windowsill. His heart aches when the vision comes. A part of him hurts so much after he heard Sanzo went away, and he never tells Gojyo or Hakkai, but he still often sees the monk in his dreams. Nightmares, to be exact. His insides are slashed by something he doesn’t know, and Sanzo is standing right in front of him. His violet eyes are wide and big and he has never seen the blond that shocked before…
And now Sanzo’s away from them. Away from him...
The situation that we ended in
It was never not happening
Even the moments that we didn't win
They all comprised
A bigger picture that we didn't see
Bringing me to you and you to me
Putting together every little piece
Before our eyes
I could use a little less worry
I could use a little more patience
I know it's all about the journey
But you're my destination
It all happened so fast that the brunette doesn’t know where it begins or where it ends. He wasn’t even conscious when it all took place, but it did happen. Once again, they lost to an enemy, an unknown enemy this time. What keeps him frustrated is that Sanzo is not with them, and the thought of Sanzo not catching up to them, or them not catching up to Sanzo.
This kind of situation happened once or twice before, but never this long. So despite all things, there's been a flicker in his heart since the start, that they will get together again. Goku tried to talk to Gojyo and Hakkai, but both were very against it at first. Well, last night they finally came to senses and decided to continue West. If not troubled by his own conscience, there might be joy in Goku’s face when they declared it.
Goku goes back to the present and a small smile creeps to the heretic’s youthful face. Now that they’re going West, it won’t be long until they meet Sanzo again… or so he hopes.
The plan on going West brings Goku to a new revelation though. He admits he was going West because Sanzo brought him along in the first place. They have traveled together for some years now, and as he matures, Goku starts to look deeper. One thing that comes into light, he is fully aware now that Sanzo isn’t just doing the Three Aspects’ order. More than that, he has a personal purpose to retrieve his master’s sutra.
Goku looks up at the moon again. So what about himself? What does he want to achieve by going West? What does he want to achieve in life? Goku closes his eyes and the sparkling golden light appears again. His lips get wider and wider as he thinks of one answer: Sanzo.
The brunette is excited about a lot of things, and he cares a lot about other beings. But what lies at the center of him, it is always Sanzo. The golden monk is his destination, and if he’s persistent enough, he will reach him.
My heart was always open
Even when I didn't know it
Even when I didn't know who
I was always looking for you
Since I heard the word love
I have always been in search of
One to hold on to
I was always looking for you
From the hopes of my childhood
Everything I ever wrote on the wildwood
You've been showing up in every tune
I've been looking for you
I always try to keep it visual
Even when you're teasing my peripheral
I won't stop because I've found you
I won't stop now
He always did. He was always looking for something for a really long time. It might have started when he opened his eyes and found himself in the cave. He didn’t know anything or anyone back then. Only one thing remained: his name is Goku. Even then, he called for someone. His heart cried out for something, someone, very dear to him, to the point his heart ached sometimes.
Even in uncertainties, his heart was always open to everything. The changes of season excited him at first, the environment changes, flowers and trees blossoming. Years later, he was thrilled to find another living being dared to visit him. It was the first and the last being, though. The golden bird didn’t hesitate at all when it entered the cave and let itself be patted by Goku’s calloused fingers. They spent time together for some seasons, until one day in the winter, the bird stopped coming.
Goku waited and waited but there were no hints at all. It was at the beginning of the next season that the heretic understood the cause. The golden bird laid lifelessly just inches away from where his hands could reach. Desperate as it was, Goku kept looking at the bird for days, weeks, even more than a month until all fluid had gone out and the bird was so light that the wind blew it away.
Since then, Goku didn’t dare to hope that much. The encounter was joyful, but the goodbye was much more devastating. He felt cold everyday, clinging to his long hair for warmth. His excitement went down to only one thing, the rising sun. The warmth that touched his skin even though he was deep inside the cave. The light that hasn't been disappointing in showing himself almost everyday.
That day when the golden one appeared, shining like the sun, Goku knew right away. The radiance, the warmth, the familiar touch. His blood boiled in excitement as his heart knew he had found him. His sun. His destination.
They say you know it when you see it
That it's more than just a feeling
But you're giving it a much deeper meaning
Which you redefined
Every long day working
Every single heartache hurting
Another year another lesson learning
I’ve realized
I shouldn't be in such a hurry
'Cause nothing's ever wasted
I know it's all about the journey
But you're my destination
Living with Sanzo ever since was everything Goku could ever ask for. He could starve and eat together, even if his portion was three times bigger than Sanzo’s. He could move freely inside and sometimes outside the temple, interacting with things and people all around. He could do his hobby: watching his sun work and do things, though it usually ended with a smack of the fan on his head. But Goku didn’t mind. All of that only strengthened his existence, that he’s actually living.
From observation over the years, he came to know Sanzo little by little. How the blond monk kept his distance from others but not that much from him. How the blond monk became gloomy each time there’s downpours, but also how he kept soothing Goku in the winters. All of the small things and habits from his sun; which newspapers he prefers to read, how he spends his cigarettes longer when he is reading newspapers, how he eats one spoon of the food he doesn’t like and slides it over to Goku half way the meal time.
If he took those years to get to know Sanzo, he shouldn’t worry too much if they aren’t together for a couple of days, right? It’s very plausible for people to be down when there’s something bad happening right before their eyes, right? Maybe Sanzo just needs time for himself before he gets back up again.
Goku touches his nose and smiles. Yeah, he should trust Sanzo and not worry too much…
My heart was always open
Even when I didn't know it
Even when I didn't know who
I was always looking for you
Since I heard the word love
I have always been in search of
One to hold on to
I was always looking for you (I always was)
I was always looking for you (I always will be)
Goku looks up at the moon again, his golden orbs full of determination this time. Going forward, Goku still keeps his heart open for other people and new experiences. He cherishes his relationship with Zakuro, Gat, the youkai teenager, even Kougaiji’s team and the others… He always enjoys the times as he gets closer and learns about them, through talks, plays, and even fights. The experiences bring him joy, but in the end, Goku always comes back to his golden one. Even when they’re separated like this, he just couldn’t stop thinking about Sanzo from time to time, what is he eating, where is he sleeping.
It’s frustrating to spend days without Sanzo, but he knows they always come back to each other again. He believes so in the current situation too. Sanzo ever told him not to depend on anyone and always just believe in yourself, and what Goku believes in… He believes in the one he’s always looking for.
As he always was, as he always will be.
I always was
I always will be