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Their love is homegrown, yet bigger than earth can comprehend.
Godly, because they built it with their hands.
Not holy though, because heaven thought of it corrupt.
Actually, their love is more than Dean could have ever dreamt of because it’s
normal
. It’s not straight out of a movie anymore, that part of their life is over.
It’s a daily effort put into cooking and cleaning and keeping the house tidy.
It’s real, it’s real, it’s real.
Dean has been sitting at the table for what feels like all of eternity, trying to spell out what he feels for Cas, but if poets have been trying and failing to describe this feeling for centuries, who’s he to put a name on it.
A year ago, they got married.
They got married.
They got married?
Yes, they got married.
It’s real, it’s real, it’s real.
They got married, and it’s been a year - which is frankly strange. It’s gone by so quick and yet, what is one year of marriage compared to whatever the fuck they were doing for 12 years?
It was natural, Dean felt, that they would get married. He thought settling down wasn’t in the cards for him anymore but after a decade of denying himself, a decade of doing Cas - and himself - the disservice of refusing to call their feelings for what they were (
love love love love love love
), he wanted to make sure Cas knew, once and for all, that if he wanted him, he had him.
Maybe that’s how Dean should start his big talk, remembering the tiny church they got married in, the rushed decisions ( is it actually rushed when you’ve been searching for each other for so long? ), the happy guests and the rings on their fingers. Maybe, that’s what he should focus on in his wedding anniversary dinner speech that’s actually only an excuse to ask your husband to move into a new house, a house with windows and sunlight to kiss your cheeks every morning and no connections to death, dying wishes or deathly truths.
He wants a house where you can finally feel alive, a house that doesn’t haunt you, a house you don’t want to run away from.
Sam said a speech wasn’t necessary, that Cas was probably staying at the bunker because they hadn’t really talked about it. And Dean agreed with him, he did! But he messed up the proposal by just asking on a random Thursday, driving by a little church, and didn’t manage to get one word out at the actual wedding because he just could not believe this was happening to him. All through the night, Cas had had to whisper into his ear
It’s real, it’s real, it’s real.
So tonight he’s getting his redeeming moment and he has it all planned out and it’s going to be so good and he’s going to say exactly what he wants for the first time in his life and he just needs to think about it better! It’ll come to him.
Unfortunately, Dean forgets about time, tick tocking his minutes away until Cas appears in their room and asks him if he’s ready for dinner.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah”. Dean smiles weakly and the panic sets in. He’s well adjusted enough that he knows now there is no need to spiral this out of control. Still, he’s kinda disappointed in himself.
Cas asks “Are you okay?” and he really shouldn’t have because his concerned eyes break something in Dean and he is all of a sudden crying on their one year wedding anniversary which is also Valentine’s day and should have been this great thing and oh god, he realises with horror. He’s saying all of this out loud?
He breathes calmly through his nose, closes his eyes and smiles. Cas is there and he’s within reach and he is going to be fine.
“Dean? Is everything alright? Is someone hurt?”
“No. Everything is fine I promise. I just. Ok. Here comes.
I love you, you know I do. and the past year has been incredible, more than I could have imagined for the two of us. It’s been quiet and happy and safe. And I’m glad to have all of these memories with you, our kitchen, our couch, our bedroom. But -”
He holds in his breath for just one second, touches his belly with a steady hand to remind him they are real. He feels the warmth of Cas’s hand on his own and is extremely grateful that he’s finally at a point in his life where can allow himself to touch and be touched.
“But this is the house where you died, and I thought I’d lost you forever. So many terrible things happened here.
An angry man lived here, and I’m trying very hard not to be that man”.
There’s a beat. His heart is pounding in his head, because there it is. The house represents what he feels so shameful of, it’s a place of pain but mostly of violence.
He is not that anymore.
“Cas. The moment the empty took you, the moment you were gone, I promised to be more loving, to act the way you saw me. I’m not always there, but I’m trying. I’m trying.”
“I know you are.” They smile at each other.
“Dean. I hate this place, I want a garden, I want to feel the sunshine when I’m reading or eating or talking to Jack. I’m tired of endless hallways that lead to horrible memories. Let’s move, let’s find a place for us. First, let’s get us some dinner”.