Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Johnny throws his head back in laughter at a story Mark is telling. The poor guy has the absolute worst luck with girls, and now he is sharing an anecdote from their recent graduation party where he hooked up with a girl who turned out to be his professor’s daughter. 

“Was she at least hot?” Yangyang, sitting in the back of the car next to Mark, asks. 

“Of course she was hot, but when we were fucking, I couldn’t stop thinking about Mrs. Park and her boring-ass Philosophy lectures!”

Another round of laughter erupts. 

“This almost tops the time where you made out with that drag queen,” Johnny says, trying to focus on driving while controlling his wild chuckles.

“Yeah, or the girl who dumped you because she thought you sucked in bed,” Yangyang smirks, which earns him a smack on the head from Mark.

“Fuck off, dude, at least I have someone in my bed.”

“So do I!” The youngest of their group argues.

The shotgun, Ten, turns back, grinning. “Your plushies don’t count, Yangyang.”

Now it’s Yangyang who lunges in front of him.

“Hey, hey, calm down guys,” Johnny says when Ten and Yangyang start assaulting each other dangerously close to him. 

“Sorry,” Ten says and turns back to his seat. “I’ll kick Yangyang’s ass when we stop for gas… Ooh, that rhymes!” He adds gleefully.

Johnny shortly glances to the side and smiles. It’s another one of these moments when he realizes how painfully adorable Ten is. He always is, but today he seems even cuter and happier than ever before, perhaps because they just graduated from university last week and now the four of them have decided to go on a road trip together to celebrate. 

Another subconscious glance and Johnny notices that Ten is looking at him too, also smiling. He blushes and quickly looks away. Johnny’s flush deepens when he hears Ten's quiet giggle. How can Ten not blush, not feel shy at all, while staring at someone he’s in love with? 

It’s pretty funny actually. Ten is gay, and he makes no effort in the slightest to hide the fact that he has a crush on Johnny. He’s flirty and affectionate with everyone, but he takes it to another level with Johnny – always bringing up how hot Johnny is, being overly handsy, looking at him like he’s the second coming of Christ… Ten has never explicitly said anything though, which allows Johnny to pretend that he doesn’t know about Ten’s feelings.

And why would he want to pretend that? Because Johnny is scared. Scared of the awkwardness, of the effect a conversation like that could have on their friendship, but most importantly, scared to confront his own feelings about Ten.

Johnny would admit quite confidently that Ten is his favorite from his friend group. He loves Mark and Yangyang, they’re like his own brothers that he’s never had, but the way he feels towards Ten… is different. Johnny wouldn’t call him a brother, more like – as corny as it sounds – a soulmate. Sometimes he looks at Ten and is taken aback by how amazing he is in all aspects. Ten is the kind of person that everyone loves. He has a knack for making people around him feel good, whether it’s his friends or complete strangers. And despite his teasing remarks and snarkiness, he has a heart of gold, and he is the first one Johnny goes to whenever he needs a shoulder to cry on or when he simply needs to talk to someone about anything. Ten is the type to tease you for being a crybaby before enveloping you in a hug and assuring you that everything is going to be okay. And yeah, there is also the fact that Ten is frustratingly attractive.

Johnny isn’t gay, he knows that for sure, so he’s not certain what exactly his feelings towards Ten are. The idea that he might be in love with him makes him a bit nervous. Very nervous, actually. If you took a look deep down inside Johnny’s soul, you’d see that it’s not that complicated at all, that he’s head over heels for Ten, and he just doesn’t have the balls to admit it.

No, you don’t even need to look deep down, in fact – for Yangyang and Mark, their best friends, it’s clear as day. The two of them often joke about how ridiculous Ten and Johnny’s relationship is; Ten loves him and makes his love obvious, but he’s the only one who doesn’t see the way Johnny looks at him and treats him. Ten’s feelings are very much reciprocated, but Johnny is too scared to admit it, so he’s waiting for Ten to take the first step.

Even though all four of them are a tight-knit group, sometimes Ten and Johnny act like the other two aren’t there with them, lost in their own little world full of stolen looks, subtle touches, and embarrassing giggles. When that happens, Mark and Yangyang exchange dramatic eye-rolls, having to control themselves not to scream at them to stop with the nonsense and make out already.

Speaking about subtle touches, Johnny suddenly feels a hand resting on his thigh. He flinches a little and shortly locks gazes with Ten, who is again smiling sweetly at him. 

“Hyung, when are we gonna be at the next gas station?”

“Uhh,” Johnny checks the GPS. “Should be there in like ten minutes. Why, can’t wait to beat Yangyang up?”

Ten laughs, the sound warming Johnny’s heart. “Yup. Right after I pee.”

Johnny laughs too while Yangyang grumbles some profanities. “Hyung, would it kill you to be on my side at least once?” the youngest asks him. “You’re the strongest out of us, and it’s not fair that you’re always acting like Ten’s bodyguard.”

“You have Mark,” Johnny points out.

“I need muscles, man, not bones!”

“I need muscles, man, not bones! ” Mark repeats in a mocking high-pitched tone. “Bones is all you’ll get though because pigs are gonna start flying before Johnny stops being Ten’s human shield.”

“That’s right, Johnny is mine!” Ten says proudly, before sticking his tongue out at the other two.

Johnny beams, cheeks turning rosy red again. His heart does a little giddy jump in his chest at Ten saying that he’s his, even though he was only teasing Yangyang. 

Yeah, Johnny’s feelings toward Ten are such a mystery.

“Yo, what the hell is that car doing?” Yangyang suddenly asks. 

The guys’ attention turns ahead, where a car is speeding right toward them. Though it’s more racing than driving, definitely going above the speed limit. 

“Jesus, what a fucking idiot,” Ten mumbles.

“Move out of the way, dude,” Mark says.

Johnny nods and complies, steering the car closer to the edge of the road. But now as the car in front of them is getting closer, it’s obvious that the driver is not only asking for a huge-ass fine, but also a DUI. The large SUV is moving almost in a zig-zag motion around the road. Johnny watches in horror as it drives in their direction again, dangerously fast. 

“Hyung, watch out!” Yangyang shouts.

Johnny manages to turn the steering wheel in another direction, but it’s too late. He can feel the crash, the window bursting open and hitting his face, and his precious car turning on its roof. Even when they are lying upside down, he can feel throbbing pain all over his body and the taste of blood in his mouth. And then the world turns dark.

•••

There is no “your life flashing in front of you,” or walking toward the light, or seeing God who would tell you that he’s giving you another chance to live. Johnny is just… unconscious, and then conscious again. Disappointingly mundane… 

At least that’s what Johnny thought before he slowly opened his eyes. The beautiful face that is looking down at him has to belong to a divine entity. No human being could be this breathtakingly stunning. The angel smiles at him, and Johnny is certain that he is indeed in Heaven, or at least close to it. He has died, and miraculously ended up surrounded by perfect creatures like this one.

“Johnny! You’re awake!”

The angel’s voice is familiar and it fills Johnny with warmth. He wants to close his eyes again so he can see the beauty clearer. Instead, his eyes open even more, though his vision does start getting clearer – clear enough that Johnny can see that it’s not only the voice that’s familiar, but so is the face.

Seconds later, and Johnny is awake enough to realize that the divine, beautiful, perfect angel is in fact Ten. And that Johnny is not in Heaven, but in a hospital room.

Johnny tries to speak, but his first sounds are a mumbled mess.

“Shh,” Ten gently grabs his hand and holds it in his own. “Give it time, hyung, let your body come to its senses.”

Johnny blinks, takes a few sloppy breaths, and then looks around. The hospital room he’s lying in is empty aside from Ten and himself. Slowly, Johnny’s memories start coming back to him, first in random flashes, then in a more connected sequence. A road trip. Friends. Laughter. Then, a car going at a rapid speed straight toward them…

“Ten…” Johnny whispers.

Ten gives him a sweet smile, squeezing his hand, still gentle. “Hi.”

“A-Are… are you okay? What–”

“I’m fine, Johnny, don’t worry,” Ten reassures him. He really does look fine – Johnny is still kind of out of it, but he can’t spot any wounds or even bruises and scratches on Ten’s face and hands.

“You remember what happened, right?” Ten asks.

Johnny manages to nod. “Yeah… We were in a car crash, right?”

“Yeah. Some dickhead was drunk-driving, and he drunk-drove right at us. We were lucky, especially the two of us. You took the biggest hit.”

Now that Johnny is pretty much all awake, he realizes that his body doesn’t even hurt that much. He’s got a slight headache, and there is a faint soreness around his stomach area, but otherwise, he feels okay. Tired, but okay.

“What about you? And Mark? And Yangyang? Where are they?”

Ten chuckles. “I already told you I’m fine. It took me a while to wake up, but in the end, I only got a small concussion. Mark and Yangyang weren’t even unconscious and just won a couple of bruises.”

“Thank god,” Johnny mutters, almost in disbelief over how lucky they all are, considering the crash was pretty big, at least from what he remembers.

“They’re both home now, and I just got discharged,” Ten says. “Before you ask, the accident happened three days ago.” His smile fades a bit when he looks at Johnny again. “I was so worried when I woke up. For a moment, I thought I might lose you. Even though the doctors said you had a high chance of recovering, I was scared that something might happen and–”

“Hey,” Johnny squeezes back Ten’s hand and looks him in the eyes, determined. “I’m here. Nothing happened, I’m okay, and so are you. Don’t worry about me anymore, okay?” It might be hypocritical of him, considering Johnny knows very well that if the positions were reversed, he’d be worried like crazy over Ten.

Ten nods. “You’re right. We’re going to be okay.”

Before Johnny can say anything else, a doctor walks inside the room. They exchange a few words, the doctor explains his situation and examines his injuries. Like Ten, Johnny is lucky to only have ended up with a concussion and some external injuries. His concussion though was a bit more severe, hence the doctor advises Johnny to stay in the hospital for one more day. Johnny isn’t ecstatic about that – after all, he only has a small headache, otherwise he feels totally fine – but he doesn’t argue. Seeing Mark and Yangyang will have to wait, unless they come to him like Ten has.

Speaking about Ten, the black-haired man turns back to Johnny after the doctor leaves, and a tiny grin spreads across his face. Since the doctor didn’t spare Ten a single look, Johnny has almost forgotten that he is still there. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Ten says.

Johnny’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “What? But the doctor said–”

“Do you feel any pain?”

Johnny hesitates, before answering: “No.”

“Tired?”

“Not really...”

“Do you think you might pass out or get worse if you leave?”

“Probably not.”

Ten shrugs. “Doctors want to leave people here for longer than needed, just to be sure they don’t get sick again and don’t sue the hospital. Look, if you want to stay here, I get it, but I think you’ve had enough of white walls and hospital gowns.”

Johnny looks at Ten with uncertainty. “I guess you’re right, but… I don’t know, shouldn’t I listen to the doctor?”

Ten folds his arms and returns Johnny’s gaze, though unlike him, he looks as certain as ever. “Do you think I’d encourage you to leave if I didn’t feel like you could handle it? If I wasn’t sure you’d be safe?”

“Of course not,” Johnny says immediately. He might’ve been the one doting on Ten most of the time, but he knows no matter how carefree Ten is, he’d never risk Johnny’s well-being. Johnny trusts him with his whole life.

Ten releases his arms and extends one of them toward Johnny, the grin returning to his lips while he wiggles his fingers invitingly. “Then are you coming with me?”

Johnny looks to the side, eyebrows furrowed slightly in thought over whether it’s worth it to argue with the doctor that he is indeed fine just so he can leave with Ten. But in a few seconds, his expression softens and he chuckles. “Why am I even trying to think about it, when we both know you’ll get your way as always?”

Really, Ten could suggest robbing a bank together, and all it would take is that saccharine-sweet smile of his, and Johnny would follow him like an overgrown puppy, ready to punch some bodyguards or something. He’d like to say that this is an exaggeration, but…

“Exactly,” Ten smirks. “Let’s go then. I want to take you somewhere.”

Johnny lifts his eyebrows questioningly. “Where? I thought I’d go home first.”

“Well, you thought wrong. Don’t worry, you’re gonna like it. See you outside the hospital in an hour.”

With that, Ten’s slithe figure disappears through the door. Johnny stares after him for a few seconds, and then sighs. That man is going to be the death of him.

As expected, the doctor objected to Johnny leaving the hospital so soon at first, but at the end of the day, there was nothing he could do, so he let Johnny sign some documents and told him to be careful and rest. Johnny felt a little bad, but then he remembered Ten’s cheeky smile and he practically ran out of the hospital to see him again.

Since Johnny’s car is now a wreck (he tells himself to mourn it later), he borrows one from a car rental company. When he and Ten are on the road, Ten gives him instructions while still not wanting to tell him where they’re going. Johnny isn’t all that eager to drive again after what happened, but even though Ten does have a driver’s license, let’s just say that there is some truth to the stereotype of gay people being bad drivers.

“Ten, whe–”

“I’m not telling you where we’re going, hyung, so please shut up and drive.”

Johnny sighs. “At least give me a hint.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“For your favorite hyung?”

From the rearview mirror, Johnny can see Ten sending a glare his way, and he chuckles. No matter how evil Ten tries to look, to Johnny he always looks like a cute little kitten.

“Are we meeting Mark and Yangyang there?” Johnny asks then. 

He’s ready for more secrecies, but Ten shakes his head.

“Nope, it’s just the two of us…” Ten glances at him, his voice becoming slightly uncertain when he asks: “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” Johnny says quickly. “It’s just that we usually don’t hang out like this, only the two of us.”

Johnny isn’t sure whether that is a good or a bad thing. Spending time with Ten alone sounds incredible, but at the same time, Johnny can’t help but feel a bit nervous. Mark and Yangyang were always there to defuse any potential tension or awkwardness with their dumb jokes, and they didn’t usually let Johnny look at Ten for too long or touch him too much. 

Now Johnny feels like he’s fifteen again, getting ready for the first date with his crush. Hell, there are even these stupid butterflies in his stomach that everyone talks about.

“We should’ve,” Ten says. “Hung out like this, I mean. We should’ve spent more time together.”

Johnny looks at him shortly. “Well, we’re hanging out now, right?”

Ten smiles. “Yeah. Yeah, we are... Take the left turn.”

In a few minutes, Ten announces that they have reached their destination. Johnny is confused at first – when Ten said that he wanted to take him somewhere, he was expecting something a bit fancier than a cliff at a beach. It takes him a long moment to realize that he recognizes this place.

“No way!” Johnny says as he gets out of the car. He takes a few steps toward the edge of the cliff, taking in the view of a familiar beach, quiet and empty at this time of the day. 

Then he turns back to Ten, who is smiling sheepishly at him. “I haven’t been here in ages! Damn, we used to hang out here a lot when we were kids.”

“Felt like taking us on a trip down the memory lane,” Ten says. He points down at the beach. “Come on, let’s go down. The sunset is coming soon.”

The two of them walk down the cliff path until they reach the shore. Ten finds a spot near the sea and sits down on the cool sand. Deciding not to care about dirtying his clothes, Johnny follows in suit and plops down next to Ten. He gapes at the view in front of him. Johnny has never been particularly romantic, but even he has to admit that the sight of the sun setting down the horizon, close to being swallowed by the endless sea, is simply breathtaking.

Though it seems like a cheap kitsch picture after Johnny turns his head to glance at the man next to him. In the sunlight, Ten’s already beautiful features look downright otherworldly. Johnny has always thought that Ten has to be the most gorgeous human being he’s ever laid his eyes on, but now it’s like Johnny has truly seen him for the first time. A wave of warmth spreads through Johnny’s body, a tsunami of immense love and affection towards his best friend. 

To think that it’s almost a miracle that Ten is sitting right next to him, that Johnny can stare at him, that all he has to do is reach out his hand and touch him… All of it could’ve been gone. Ten could’ve been gone. This precious, beautiful man could’ve died, and Johnny would've never have been able to see him, talk to him or touch him again, to tell him that he loves him so fucking much.

Most definitely feeling Johnny’s eyes on him, Ten turns his attention from the sunset to Johnny. His lips quirk upward. “What is it?”

For once, Johnny doesn’t feel shy or embarrassed that Ten has caught him staring. He’s done being embarrassed for his feelings. “I can’t believe we were so close to dying… I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

Ten lowers his gaze but his smile remains. “Yeah, you’d be screwed without me, Yangyang and Mark, huh?” he teases.

Johnny softly shakes his head. “I would be majorly screwed without Yangyang and Mark… But without you, I’d be fucking devastated. Heartbroken. God, I have no idea if I could even keep living.”

Ten’s eyes meet Johnny’s. He hesitates shortly before he takes Johnny’s big hand in his. Johnny squeezes it. “You’ll never lose me, Johnny,” Ten says quietly.

Johnny looks down at their intertwined hands. They’ve held hands before, but it has never felt so… right. The touch has only reaffirmed Johnny in that there is something more than just a friendly love he feels for Ten. Johnny knows that there has always been something more, it was right in front of him, and it took a near-death experience for him to admit it to himself. It took Ten almost dying for Johnny to realize just how precious Ten is to him. 

Johnny isn’t aware that he is yet again staring at Ten, until the younger chuckles, and Johnny sees him blushing. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

Johnny chuckles too, and has the decency to glance away for a second before his eyes find the dimly-lit face next to him once more.

Johnny remembers his pre-consciousness thoughts at the hospital – no wonder he thought that Ten was an angel. He knows that if he told Ten that he looked like an angel, he would probably push him into the water in disgust, but Johnny can’t stop himself from saying: “You look beautiful.”

To his surprise, Ten doesn’t cringe or shove him, his blush only deepens and he smirks slightly. “You gotta be careful, hyung. Or else you might give me false hope.”

This is the first time Ten has acknowledged his crush on Johnny out loud, but it’s obvious that he knows that Johnny knows. Though considering how smart and usually observant Ten is, it’s a wonder that he’s been oblivious to Johnny looking at him like he’s a literal heavenly creature.

“Ten…” Johnny starts nervously, finally looking away from Ten at the darkening sea to collect his thoughts. “Look, I’m really not good at these kinda things, so this might sound all over the place, but…” He takes a deep breath. “You’re my best friend, Ten, and I don’t think I have to say how important you are to me. I also know that you, um…”

“That I’m in love with you,” Ten says, straight to the point, earning a startled look from Johnny. It isn’t anything new, Johnny has known that Ten’s crush might be something more than just a crush, yet hearing him say it out loud like that makes Johnny’s heart beat a little faster than usual.

Johnny clears his throat. “Right… I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I thought that as much as I love you, as much as you’re literally my favorite person in the world, my feelings for you were only platonic.”

When Ten doesn’t say anything, Johnny continues, feeling more confident in his words. “I thought, just because I blush like a teenage girl when you flirt with me, like touching you way too much, want to protect you from everything, and think you’re prettier than any girl I’ve seen in my life, that doesn’t mean that I think of you as more than a friend… No, actually, I think I’ve always known that my feelings were too intense to be just friendly. But I was scared of the possibility of… liking a guy that way. I’ve accepted you’re gay, but the thought of me being into guys was scary… especially if the guy was you.”

Johnny turns back to Ten, whose expression is difficult to read. “And as corny as it sounds, when I almost lost you, I realized that I might’ve never told you how I feel about you. Fuck, it took you almost dying for me to wake up and finally realize that I was a coward for not telling you that I’ve been in love with you too, for a long time.”

A moment of silence follows before Ten asks: “You’re not saying that just so because you don’t want me to have an unrequited crush, right?”

Johnny snickers. “Trust me, I’m not. I think if Mark and Yangyang were here, they’d ask us how could we have been so painfully oblivious of the fact that we’ve been head over heels in love with each other.”

That makes Ten chuckle as well. “You know, the thought has crossed my mind, but I thought that I was being delusional because there was no way you weren’t straight.”

“So did I, but here we are.”

Johnny then slowly reaches his hand out to touch Ten’s face, softly caressing his cheek. Ten leans into the touch. He is so beautiful, Johnny thinks. How could I have not realized how much I love him?

“Can I kiss you?” Johnny whispers without thinking.

Ten grins. “At this point, you have to.”

Looking into Ten’s eyes and seeing his comforting smile, all the remaining doubt and nervousness leave Johnny’s body, and he leans forward to press his lips against Ten's. The kiss is feather-light at first, then Ten puts his hand on Johnny’s neck and gently nibbles on his lower lip, asking for permission to deepen the kiss. 

To Johnny’s surprise, kissing another guy isn’t weird at all. It feels completely natural. It feels good. It feels right. With that in mind, Johnny takes the initiative and slips his tongue inside Ten’s mouth.

For the first time, Johnny doesn’t only feel those generic butterflies and increased heartbeat, but something more primal. Well, not for the first time exactly, he’d lie if he denied that he got a few unfortunate boners because of Ten before. He usually contributed it to him still being stuck in the hormonal teenager phase of his life, though. 

Looking back, he probably should’ve realized that having a wet dream about Ten sucking him off was a red flag.

Ten lets out a soft moan when Johnny licks into his mouth, burying his hands in Johnny’s hair. It gets heated and turns into a makeout session quickly, both of them trying to make up for the years of unresolved romantic and sexual tension. 

Then Ten pulls away and grins widely at Johnny. “Damn… I feel like taking a dip now.”

It takes a moment for Johnny to collect himself, still in a daze from the intense kissing. “Huh?” He says as Ten stands up and starts undressing.

Johnny watches him and he has to control himself not to drool at Ten’s half-naked body. Of course he has seen him shirtless before, but at this moment the sight of it hits differently. Ten has almost a contrasting build to Johnny. He’s petite and much thinner, though he does have some muscle as he’s been dancing since he was a kid. Ten has sometimes complained about not being able to gain any weight, but in Johnny’s eyes, he looks perfect. His flawless skin, soft tummy, thick thighs, a cute little butt, not to mention the beautiful crescent moon tattoo on his ribcage. 

Ten gives him a wink before he darts out toward the sea. “You coming or not?” He shouts at Johnny, who finally wakes up and starts taking his clothes off too, chuckling. Johnny’s grin freezes a bit though, when Ten suddenly shifts in the water, and in a second, he is holding his wet boxer briefs in his hand. He throws them on the sand toward Johnny.

“The water is incredible, hyung!” Ten says gleefully.

Johnny unfreezes for the second time, and he almost trips over his own legs when he runs toward Ten. Ten cackles at Johnny’s enthusiasm. When Johnny reaches out to hold him and preferably smooch him again, Ten sticks his tongue out and starts swimming away.

“Hey!” Johnny whines, but it only makes Ten laugh harder.

“Catch me if you can, baby!”

“That’s not fair, you’re smaller and faster!”

“Then I guess you can’t have me.”

Ten might be competitive and cheeky, but Johnny is someone who’d rather die than give up. When Johnny wants something, he tries his absolute best, works his ass off, to get it, no matter the obstacles standing in his way. Especially when it’s Ten swimming naked in the sea. 

Hence Johnny channels his inner Michael Phelps and sprints slash swims slash dives after Ten. He catches him pretty quickly, though he’s not sure whether it’s because of his kickass skills, or whether Ten just let him win. And quite frankly, he doesn’t really care. 

Johnny grabs Ten by his waist, giving him a victorious smirk. “Gotcha.”

Unlike usual, Ten doesn’t look even remotely upset about losing. Instead, he smirks back at Johnny and wraps his arms around his shoulders. “My hyung will always find his way to me.”

Johnny’s heart skips a beat at the words ‘my hyung’. But they’re true – he belongs to Ten, every inch of his being belongs to this gorgeous man.

It’s strange because Johnny has never felt like this toward anyone before. He has been in love – or at least he thinks it was love – but in comparison to the intense emotions that completely overwhelm him when he is with Ten, his previous relationships seem like elementary school crushes. It’s wonderful, but also a bit intimidating.

At this moment though, Johnny chooses to focus on the wonderful part. “I lo–”

He is silenced by Ten pressing his lips against his own again. The words are unsaid but not forgotten as Johnny pulls Ten toward him as close as he can and kisses him deeply. Unlike before, they don’t waste time with butterfly kisses. Johnny slips his tongue inside Ten’s mouth and licks into it hungrily, which Ten immediately reciprocates. Johnny feels hot all over despite being in cool water, from the passionate kissing and from his body being pressed against Ten’s, not to mention Ten’s hands roaming all over Johnny’s toned torso.

As Ten breaks the kiss, only to let them take a couple of breaths, their foreheads still rest against each other. Johnny moves his hand to cup Ten’s face and pulls slightly away so he can take a good look at Ten’s beautiful features, his parted reddish lips, his perfectly shaped nose, and his cat-like eyes that are staring at Johnny with such intense desire that it takes him aback for a second. 

In a lack of an ability or desire to stop himself, words that were previously silenced find their way back out of Johnny’s mouth. “I love you,” he whispers.

Ten’s gaze softens and his lips curve upward, lighting his face up with a wide smile. “I love you too. So damn much.”

Johnny smiles too before they close the remaining space between them yet again. With even more passion, they kiss until the sun sets entirely, and the sky is painted in deep dark blue.

•••

Johnny goes to sleep and later wakes up, both times with a smile on his face. It’s still hard to believe how lucky he is – from surviving the accident, all his friends surviving the accident, to him and Ten finally confessing their feelings to each other after the frustrating years of will-they-won’t-they.

Now Johnny and Ten are together, madly in love, and everything in the world is right. College might be over, but another chapter of Johnny’s life will begin and though there is some uncertainty, he knows that he’ll survive anything with his best friends, and especially with Ten by his side. 

With newfound enthusiasm, Johnny hops out of his bed and goes to make himself some delicious breakfast. After yesterday, he deserves to treat himself with something truly exquisite, like waffles with nutella and strawberries, yum yum. Unfortunately, Johnny is tragically useless in the kitchen and when he realizes that he doesn’t have enough money saved to cover the cost of a burned kitchen, he settles with a chocolate cereal. 

He takes his “exquisite” breakfast to the table and opens his laptop to look for some job offerings. He needs to find something as soon as possible, considering he promised his mom that she’d only have to pay for his rent until he graduates, and then he’s on his own. Johnny did some part-time jobs while in college, but with the money he’s got now, he can only pay for about one month, two if he’s lucky.

He doesn’t blame his mom though. They’ve never been a particularly well-off family, and Johnny considers himself to be fortunate that he had the possibility to go to university instead of working right after high school, and even getting his own apartment as a gift from his mother and grandparents for graduating with honors and successfully passing exams to enter the most prestigious university in the city. 

So did Ten, Mark, and Yangyang – only Mark and Yangyang passed just barely, and Ten is naturally smart, unlike Johnny who had to work his ass off. 

Johnny doesn’t feel any resentment toward Ten for it, not even jealousy. Yeah, Ten is a genius at almost everything he does (except for cooking – that is something the two of them have in common), and he comes from an affluent family that can afford to buy him something better than a tiny, shabby apartment, but Ten has never taken it for granted. He doesn’t look down on those less privileged than him, and in spite of his teasing, he’s kind and respectful. Not to mention Johnny would’ve flunked college a long time ago without Ten’s help.

Plus, it’s not like Ten hasn’t had struggles of his own. It took him a while to come to terms with his sexuality, and even longer to come out to his friends and family. Most people in his life have been accepting, but not all of them. Ten has tried to keep a not-caring-about-what-people-say facade, and it has worked most of the time, but Johnny, being observant (a.k.a. rarely keeping his eyes off Ten) could see those occasional cracks. Those flicks of pain in his face when he was holding hands with a boyfriend in public and received disgusted looks for it. The bitterness in his smirk when he told his friends about his father calling him a slur during a fight they’d had.

Or that one evening when they had a movie night in Yangyang’s house, and after Yangyang and Mark fell asleep, Ten and Johnny stayed up chatting. Somehow the conversation turned to their exes and to comparing which one of them had the most telenovela-worthy love life. 

“I think I win by default,” Ten smirked. “Gay, remember?”

“Hey, just because I’m not gay doesn’t mean I have a great love life!” Johnny argued, quietly not to wake up their sleeping friends. Though there could be a planet-devastating earthquake and that still wouldn’t wake those two up.

Ten snorted. “Please, you’re a hot, healthy, heterosexual guy. Triple H. What could possibly be not-great about it?”

“Let’s see: girls only like me for my looks – though I often become much less hot when they find out that I’m poor – oh, and the fact that I can’t seem to fall in love with anyone.”

Ten gave him an incredulous look. “Seriously? You’ve never been in love?”

Johnny shrugged, took a sip from his can of beer, and replied: “I don’t know. I’ve definitely never felt like I was in love. Like, yeah, there have been girls that I liked a lot, and obviously there has been physical attraction, but… either I’m aromantic, haven’t met the right person, or being in love is completely different and much less heart-fluttering than people say.”

Ten chuckled. “Trust me, it’s one of the first two options. Falling and being in love is pretty much exactly how people say.”

“So you have been in love then?”

“Oh, yes. I fall in love waaay too easily,” Ten paused, still smirking. “At least that’s what I thought. Every time I date someone, I get super attached to them, try to be the best damn boyfriend I can, give them everything they want, have sex with them whenever they want, and then they always dump me anyway. And you know why?”

“Because they’re assholes, who don’t know what they’re missing out on?”

Ten snickered and shook his head. “Nope. Or, I mean, that’s probably part of it, but when they dump me, they tell me the same thing every single fucking time. That they felt like I wasn’t really into them, and that I had to be in a relationship only for the sake of being in one, but my heart was not actually in it.”

Johnny frowned. “That sounds really corny… and dumb.”

“It does, but later I found out that they were partly right. I’m not a sex addict, but I guess I need affection and stuff. Need someone to take care of me,” Ten, sitting on the floor, leaned his head back against the sofa behind him. “Or maybe I just keep hoping that the next guy will be the right one. You know… my fairytale prince,” he grimaced.

“Ten…” Johnny muttered, instinctively putting his hand on Ten’s. Perhaps it was because of the alcohol, but Johnny realized only then how close the two of them had been sitting. Somewhere through their tipsy chit-chatting, they had ended up on the floor almost squeezed next to one another, as if there wasn’t a ton of space around them. “I’m sure that one day you will find someone you really love.”

Ten glanced down at Johnny’s hand. “Who says I haven’t already?” He said softly.

Johnny’s brows furrowed in confusion. “You said that you…”

“I said that they were partly right. The main reason why my relationships have been one failure after another is that none of the guys were the one that I’m actually in love with. That’s why my heart wasn’t in it. Because my heart already belongs to someone else. It has for a long time.”

“Who?” Johnny asked without thinking.

Ten looked up to him with a sad smile. “Someone I can’t have.”

Just like that, Johnny knew. 

Whether it was his intuition, or Ten being painfully obvious, Johnny looked Ten in the eyes, and the eyes suddenly opened up to him like a portal to Ten’s soul. Johnny could not enter the portal though – he could only see distorted images, becoming clearer the longer he looked. The images were multi-dimensional, and all of a sudden Johnny could not only see but also feel what Ten has felt every time Johnny looked at him. How Ten’s heart fluttered when Johnny smiled with that wide toothy grin at him. How Ten tried to mask his blush when Johnny called him adorable or complimented him in general. The minuscule spark of hope followed by guilt when Johnny announced that he broke up with his girlfriend. The fire igniting in his body when Johnny squeezed his thigh. The smaller warmth of a candle when Johnny pulled him in a tight hug. 

It was all too overwhelming for Johnny, and he had to take a mental step back from that portal. He was able to see Ten’s feelings so clearly, but he had no idea what to make of the mess of emotions inside himself. There was only one that he could pinpoint – fear. Of what exactly, he didn’t know. But Johnny was suddenly terrified. 

Ten’s gaze hardened and his previous bitter smirk returned, as if he realized how much of his heart he had just bared to Johnny. “So yeah, I think I still win. Gay with an unrequited love. Ten 2, Johnny 1.”

Johnny put an effort to wake up from his scary daze. He half succeeded. “Um, well… H-have you told him? That you love him?”

Ten shook his head. “No point.”

“Why not?”

“Why do you think? He doesn’t see me that way. And he’s painfully straight.”

Johnny wasn’t sure why he kept pushing him. Every answer Ten gave him made him more nervous, but at the same time, something inside him wanted Ten to… What? Confess to him? Tell Johnny that he loved him? It wasn’t like Johnny returned his feelings, right? Yet… 

“How do you know that if you haven’t asked him?”

Ten turned to Johnny again. There is still doubt and sadness in his eyes, but also a barely noticeable flicker of hope. Then, to Johnny’s surprise, Ten moved his head closer. It wasn’t kissing proximity, however, it was enough to make Johnny’s heart beat faster. 

“Do you…” Ten started uncertainly. “Do you think there’s a chance he might feel the same?” Even the smallest chance?” He asked, staring right at Johnny. 

It was almost a miracle that Johnny didn’t blush like crazy and avert his gaze like he usually did when Ten was overly flirty with him. This was different though – there was none of the sassiness, no teasing in Ten’s voice, no satisfied smirk to accompany his words. This was Ten at his most vulnerable.

And god, did that vulnerability look beautiful on him. Johnny looked from Ten’s eyes to one of his cute moles, until he landed on the thin but prettily-shaped lips, colored in soft pink and slightly wet from drinking.

Johnny had never kissed a guy, obviously. And it wasn’t like he wanted to kiss Ten back then. He did wonder though, what if? What if he did kiss Ten? What would it be like? What would he taste like? (Maybe like coconut, a flavor of his favorite lip balm). Most importantly, what would happen? Would Ten kiss him back? What then? Would they… start dating? 

No, that was crazy. Ten was Johnny’s best friend and no matter how much he loved him, his feelings were only platonic. Johnny tried to ignore the little voice in his head telling him that if Ten tried, he could most likely see the exact same thing Johnny had seen before in Ten’s eyes – a portal exposing his adoration, his love, too intense to be platonic. 

Johnny knew that if Ten kissed him in that moment, he would not pull away. 

“I don’t know,” Johnny whispered because he was a coward.

Ten stared at him for another short while, eyes searching, imploring, urging Johnny to try harder, to give him a solid answer. Yes or no. 

But Johnny couldn’t. Because he was a coward. 

In the end, Ten received his solid answer: Johnny’s silence.

Johnny wished he hadn’t noticed the look of realization on Ten’s face. It was subtle, a simple tiny smirk. One might’ve even thought that Ten was about to crack a teasing joke. However, the portal vanished, and the walls were put up again, covering all the cracks through which Johnny had had the privilege to look. He could not see it, though Johnny somehow knew that while Ten’s walls were now spotless, Johnny had just put a crack in his heart.

That did not stop him from being a coward.

Ten shifted away from Johnny and chuckled humorlessly. “Forget about it, okay?” He stood up from the floor and Johnny suddenly felt cold. “I’m tired, I think I’ll go to sleep. Good night, hyung.”

Johnny could only mutter “good night” back while watching Ten lie down on the last empty sofa. Johnny did not sleep that night, and it had nothing to do with having had to sleep on a mattress. 

That’s all in the past though. Ironically, the car accident turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because Johnny got another chance in making this right. He’s done being a coward. 

If only he could turn back time to that night, he’d tell Ten that yes, there is definitely a chance he feels the same. ‘The guy you’re in love with is head over heels with you too and he’s just too scared to say it’. Ten would’ve been taken aback by his answer, maybe asked him how he knows that, wondering whether Johnny had gotten his message totally wrong. Johnny would’ve then gathered every ounce of courage in his body and kissed Ten. After overcoming his initial shock, Ten would’ve kissed him back, relieved and overjoyed. They would’ve kissed and giggled like idiots about how they should’ve done that a while ago, how Ten could’ve avoided his dreadful breakups, and Johnny his inner turmoil.

No, there’s no point in dwelling on what could’ve been. What matters is here and now, and now Johnny can kiss and tell Ten how much he loves him anytime he wants. Or almost anytime, because if he wakes Ten up earlier than at 8 AM, Johnny might have as well died in the accident.

Just when Johnny is about to finally look through job-hunting websites, there is a knock on his door. 

Oh right, he’s almost forgotten that Mark texted him last night if he and Yangyang could come over. They didn’t share many messages apart from the obligatory “are you ok”? When Johnny checked his phone long after midnight, he felt slightly embarrassed that he had barely thought about his two best friends throughout the day. There was only one person on his mind, and after finding out that Mark and Yangyang were alive and well, they pretty much took a backseat in Johnny’s world. It’s only fair that he catches up with them, with no Ten to distract him.

Johnny closes his laptop (jobs can wait), and goes to open the door. A delighted grin spreads across his face the moment he sees the two familiar shorter figures in front of his doorstep. 

“Hey, you two! Come here!” He says, and one by one envelops Mark and Yangyang in a bear hug. 

“He-whoa!” Yangyang yelps when he’s nearly lifted from the ground by the taller man. 

Johnny is this close to spinning them. Interestingly enough, he’d never do that with Ten – Ten seems to bring the more gentle and soft side of Johnny.

“Nice to see you too, I guess,” Mark says after Johnny finally releases them, an uncertain smile on his face.

“Come on in,” Johnny urges them inside. “Man, I’m so happy you’re okay. Sorry for not picking up your calls yesterday, I was kinda busy,” he tries not to grin too much after the word ‘busy’. “Yesterday was kinda crazy for me, just wait until you hear about it. Should I get you some booze or something? I think this deserves some celebration, doesn’t it?”

Johnny stops his overly-enthusiastic babbling when he catches Mark and Yangyang sharing a bewildered look. “What is it? Are you two alright?”

“Are… are you alright?” Yangyang asks slowly.

Johnny shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry, I’m just super happy. Over the moon, actually.”

“You’re joking, right?” Mark gapes at him. “After what happened?”

“Yeah! We were so lucky! But, guys, I have to tell you something…” Johnny pauses, awkwardly scratching his head with a lazy grin. He feels like he’s going to combust if he doesn’t tell his friends about him and Ten. At this point, he’s even prepared for the endless teasing and groaning about how it took them long enough, or how they’re now going to be stuck with two gross lovebirds.

“You know how I told you that I was busy yesterday? Well, I was actually with Ten. He came to me when I woke up in the hospital and then he took me to that beach we used to hang out at, and…” Johnny bites on his lower lip not to smile like a madman. “We kinda… kissed. And confessed to each other… I think we’re dating now.” He looks up back at the two guys, expecting to see gleeful faces… but instead, they look even more bewildered. 

“...Dude, what the hell are you talking about?” Mark asks after a long moment of awkward silence. 

Johnny wonders whether Mark and Yangyang are messing with him. Maybe Ten has already told them, and they’re just pretending that they’re shocked about it. The thing is though, Mark and Yangyang have always been atrocious actors, equally bad as Johnny himself. 

“What do you mean? You don’t believe me or what?” Johnny is starting to get very confused – the two have been acting kind of strange ever since they got here, and now they’re looking at Johnny like he’s just grown three heads. “I’m telling you guys, me and Ten went on a beach date yesterday and made out. It was super romantic, and we finally grew the balls to say that we’re in love.”

Mark takes a tentative step toward Johnny and puts his hand on his shoulder. “Hyung, have they given you something in the hospital? Some fucked up meds?”

Johnny frowns. “What? No, why?”

“Because what you’re telling us is impossible.”

If Mark and Yangyang want to kill his good mood, they’ve almost succeeded. Johnny is usually immune to their pranks, but all he wants right now is to share his happiness with his best friends. Plus, their acting is starting to creep him out.

“Why the fuck should it be impossible?” Johnny scowls.

Mark turns his head to Yangyang as if to ask him for help. The two change a long look again before the Yangyang replies quietly: “Because Ten is dead.”

A silence so deafening fills the room, that Johnny can almost hear his own heart pounding in his chest and the blood flowing in his veins. The three of them stare at each other, waiting for any kind of reaction because this is something that requires a reaction. 

Johnny considers the possibility that he misheard Yangyang, that the younger said something completely different, and Johnny maybe is having some medicine side-effects. 

Yangyang and Mark’s faces, however, do not confirm this theory. Yangyang’s voice still rings in Johnny’s ear, loud and clear: ‘Ten is dead’.  

The words don’t sound right. They don’t sound right at all. In fact, they sound absolutely ludicrous. That’s why Johnny bursts out in laughter. But the laughter doesn’t sound right either, almost alien to his ears. 

“You’re kidding, right?” Johnny keeps laughing hysterically, clutching the edge of the table next to him a bit too hard. He hates the sound of his laughter, but he can’t stop. “He–he can’t be dead, that’s insane.”

The looks he gets from Yangyang and Mark are a mix of concern, disturbance, and empathy. 

“We thought you knew,” Yangyang murmurs, his voice uncharacteristically tiny. 

Johnny shakes his head vigorously. “No, no, he’s not dead, guys. He can’t be, I saw him yesterday. I’m sure there’s some misunderstanding or something.” He barely notices his voice breaking.

“Johnny…” Mark says gently. Johnny glances away when he sees tears forming in his friend’s eyes. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. Ten didn’t survive the accident. His injuries were too severe.”

Johnny doesn’t say anything, still waiting for the two to laugh and tell him that they’re just fucking with him, because there’s no way that they’re not. Putting aside his disbelief that Ten could possibly be dead, Johnny swears that him seeing Ten yesterday was not a dream. Johnny still remembers the touch of Ten’s hand on his, the taste of his lips, his smile when he told Johnny that he loved him… All of that couldn’t have been a dream nor an illusion. 

Johnny isn’t sure about the proper word for it – a hunch? Apprehension? The rational part of his mind keeps insisting that Ten is alive because Johnny saw him a few hours ago and he was practically glowing. Hell, he didn’t even have any visible injuries. How can he be dead? 

Yet at the same time, an overbearing feeling envelops him, a feeling that makes Johnny’s heart feel heavy like an old rusty church bell. Deep down, Johnny senses that Mark and Yangyang are telling the truth. 

Or not necessarily that they’re telling the truth, but rather that there is a hole in Johnny’s heart, minuscule yet growing at a rapid speed, black and deep, spreading across his whole body like a spilled ink. That can only mean one thing: Ten is gone.

“No…” Johnny mutters, the hysterical grin having left his face altogether. “He can’t–we–I… Did… did he die at night? After we left the beach?” He’s not sure whether he’s asking himself, or his friends.

Nonetheless, Yangyang replies, and his words accelerate the spread of the black hole tremendously. “He’d died before the ambulance could even reach us, hyung.”

“Shit,” Mark mutters, closing his eyes tightly for a second. They did not expect to be the bearer of bad news when they came here. Johnny would feel bad for them if his world hadn't just shattered.

Yangyang, or maybe it’s Mark, begins explaining what happened, how Ten had been dead and the paramedics couldn’t help him due to his severe internal bleeding, and how Johnny was lucky to survive since he had been sitting in the front next to Ten. Johnny listens to them, but most of the words don’t seem to reach him, like white noise with some occasional comprehensible language. 

Slowly but surely, it’s dawning upon him that this is real, that Ten, his Ten, is dead. Johnny wants to cry, but he can’t. Not even a single tear threatens to escape his eye. Mark is wiping his wet cheeks, and even Yangyang’s eyes are glossy, but Johnny is unable to shed a drop. 

Johnny vaguely remembers reading about stages of grief, the first one being shock and denial, but he isn’t shocked nor is he denying it anymore. He’s just… numb. 

“Hyung… Hyung?” 

Johnny glances up at Yangyang, who looks like he doesn’t know what to say or do. Johnny has usually been the one to offer emotional support when one of them needs it. And if Johnny is the one, he comes to Ten… Used to come to Ten. His mere presence could always make Johnny feel better.

“Fuck, come here,” Mark sobs and wraps his arms around Johnny. 

Johnny can’t bring himself to return the hug. It’s selfish, Johnny thinks somewhere in the back of his mind. After all, Ten wasn’t only his friend, Mark and Yangyang loved him too, they also need consolation. Right now though, Johnny doesn’t have it in him to console anyone, not even himself. 

Yangyang looks like he’s contemplating whether or not to join the hug. He’s not particularly skilled at situations involving intense emotions. When you want to lift your mood, Yangyang is bound to make you at least chuckle no matter how cranky you are, but when dealing with sorrow and grief, one can’t exactly make it better with a corny joke – even Yangyang is aware of that. He himself prefers to deal with his own emotions alone. Johnny called him out for bottling them up, and Yangyang told him that he’s not bottling anything up – he makes sure to bawl his eyes and scream his lungs out into his pillow in the solitude of his room. Johnny could never relate to that. He has to seek other people’s comfort when hurting, he needs a shoulder to cry on, though he’s selective with choosing the shoulder. Only three people in his life have seen him truly breaking down: his mom, his first girlfriend, and Ten. The only people he’s felt comfortable bothering with his problems... 

Thinking about it, perhaps he and Yangyang aren’t that different after all. 

“I’m so sorry, man,” Mark mumbles into Johnny’s shoulder. “I know that he was… special to you.”

“I’m sure he loved you just as much as you did,” Yangyang adds, an audible tension in his voice. 

Despite them clearly trying to make Johnny feel better, it has the opposite effect. In the midst of his numbness, Johnny feels a first sharp stab in his heart. Not with a metaphorical knife, rather with a needle that someone stabbed in his core – if it were a knife, at least the death would be quick.

“Is… Is it true?” Johnny manages to utter. The answer is obvious, even so, he needs to make sure, one last time, that this all can’t be a prank or a mistake, still naively holding on to the smallest stem of hope.

“Yeah,” Yangyang says. “Did they not tell you in the hospital?”

Mark pulls away from Johnny and casts a glare in Yangyang’s direction. “Yangyang!”

Yangyang slightly widens his eyes, realizing that what he said was insensitive, but not quite understanding why. “What? I just… The doctors told us what happened right away. It’s weird that they didn’t say anything to you.” 

“That’s not fucking important, dude!” Mark sniffs, irritated.

Yangyang frowns. “What do you want me to say then? I can’t bring him back to life!”

“If you can’t manage to not be an insensitive asshole, then just shut up.”

Yangyang looks genuinely offended by Mark’s comment. He opens his mouth to argue but halts as he glances at Johnny, his expression softening. “I’m sorry.”

Johnny weakly shakes his head. “It’s okay. It’s not…” ‘It’s not your fault’, he wants to say, but his throat closes before the words can leave his mouth. 

Mark squeezes his arm and tries to look Johnny in the eyes. Johnny doesn’t lift his gaze – he can’t. He’s scared that if he does meet Mark and Yangyang’s eyes, he will crumble down like a house of cards.

“Do you want us to stay here?” Mark asks.

Johnny shakes his head again.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

A nod this time.

“You sure?”

No response.

Sighing, Mark pulls him into another brief hug. “Call us if you need anything, okay? Anytime.”

“Okay,” Johnny whispers.

Mark releases him and Yangyang takes his place in front of Johnny, hesitating. Despite himself, he hugs Johnny as well. His hold is less firm than Mark’s as if he’s afraid to break Johnny. Johnny knows that’s not the reason though – he’s never expected much physical affection from the younger. Yangyang does care about his friends. He’d never admit it, but he’d do anything for them. He simply has difficulties translating his love to words and actions. That makes his rare showcases of fondness like this one more precious. 

Too bad Johnny still can’t move his arms to reciprocate. He’d like nothing more than to cry his eyes out into Yangyang’s hair. But Johnny is still standing at his spot next to the kitchen table rigidly, feeling like if he steps out of that small spot, or even moves his finger, the whole world will bury him under lethal debris of desolation. 

Yangyang gives him a sympathetic look after he pulls away, trying to convey everything he wants through his eyes, knowing his mouth is incapable of that. Johnny finally dares to return his gaze, if only for a short moment. He nods in understanding. That’s the least, but currently also the only thing he can do for Yangyang.

“Get some rest. Sleep it off. And like I said, if you need anything…” Mark lets his words hang in the air.

“I’ll call you. I know,” Johnny murmurs. “Thanks.”

“We’re in this together, hyung. Ten is gone, but you’re not alone. Remember that, okay?”

Ten is gone.

“Okay.” Johnny can barely hear himself or even recognize his own voice. He feels like a puppet that someone is holding and speaking for.

“Can we, like, call you later? To check up on you?” Yangyang asks.

“Yeah.”

“Come on, bro,” Mark grabs Yangyang’s arm and starts leading him toward the door. The earlier brief tension between them seems to have dissipated. Good. The last thing they need right now is to fight. 

After saying their goodbyes, Yangyang casts a last worried look at Johnny over his shoulder, and the two leave Johnny alone.

A part of Johnny is glad that they left, that he’s free to break down as much as he wants to without feeling embarrassed or guilty that he’s making this tragedy all about himself. Johnny dares to take a tentative step away from the table. But still no tears.

For the first time in his life, Johnny desperately wants to cry. This state of paralysis is nearly unbearable. Johnny is stone-cold, yet his heart is pounding wildly in his chest. His stomach is turning, but he doesn’t think he’s about to throw up. It’s strange, it’s uncomfortable and Johnny has no idea what to do.

He lifts his hand to hold something, to make sure that he’s still alive and that he’s still able to interact with the physical world. As he does that, he notices that his hand is shaking furiously. He slowly reaches next to him to grab onto the table. His grip is weak, but the touch does help him collect himself a bit. 

Collect himself from the numbness, to be exact, because now Johnny’s breath quickens, to the point that he’s almost sure that he’s about to have a panic attack. The rapid change is too much to handle, like a car that has gone from 10 to 200 kilometers per hour in a matter of three seconds. Not only his hands, but Johnny’s whole body begins trembling violently. 

Maybe Johnny is not meant to be on this Earth without Ten. He’s sure he wouldn’t be able to call for help even if he wanted to anyway. If only he had some pills nearby to make this suffering end faster.

A memory suddenly appears, flashing in front of Johnny’s unfocused eyes.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise for Johnny. In fact, he should’ve been surprised that this hadn’t happened before. Still, when his mom had told him that her hours at work had gotten cut and she might not be able to afford to let him go to university, Johnny was devastated. Mrs. Suh was a single mother, raising Johnny all by herself, his father having left them shortly after Johnny had been born.

“Look, sweetheart, I know going to university is your dream, but if by any chance I lose my job, I don’t think I’d be able to find anything better. I’m in my late forties and all the semi-decent employers are looking for younger people. Even without a degree, you have a chance to get a solid job. God knows we need something solid if we don’t want to end up on the street,” his mother told him.

Johnny nodded, telling her that of course, he understood. Life taught him that he wasn’t in a position to be selfish. University, while his dream, was a privilege, not a necessity. A privilege meant for kids from families who could afford to live from their parents’ money or part-time jobs, not for kids like Johnny. That didn’t make it any less heartbreaking for him though.

After the conversation with his mother, Johnny was about to do what he always did when he felt down: play games. Perhaps juvenile, but it helped him forget about the harsh realities of life, giving him something to occupy his mind. His usual indulgence didn’t do much then though. The harsh realities were probably too harsh to be distracted with animated warlocks. 

He played for a couple of minutes before he dejectedly turned his computer off. Johnny grabbed his phone and mindlessly opened the messaging app.

‘can i come over?’

TenTen♥ : ‘of course. are you bringing M&Y?

‘no, just me. is that ok?’

TenTen♥ : ‘no sorry, i won’t let you in my house without dumb&dumber.’

TenTen♥ : ‘kidding, of course you can come, silly’

The smallest hint of a smile appeared on Johnny’s lips. If Ten couldn’t make him feel less gloomy, nothing could. 

That’s how he ended up at Ten’s doorstep, hoping that the younger would help him through his misery. 

Would he though? How? As wonderful Ten was, he wasn’t a magician. He couldn’t miraculously make Johnny’s family rich so he could continue with his education. The solace he could offer him was only temporary. 

Nonetheless, Johnny felt a tiny bit better right as he saw Ten smiling at him while letting him inside. 

Johnny always had a hard time getting used to how ginormous Ten’s house was compared to his apartment. It was like stepping into another world. And it kind of was – as down-to-earth, open-minded, and kind as Ten was, it didn’t change the fact that he and Johnny did indeed live in different worlds. There was no resentment from Johnny’s side, but that was an irrefutable fact, which not even Ten tried to argue with. Not like they often talked about their family wealth and status anyway.

Ten led him to his room with a king-sized bed where they ended up sitting. Ten first asked him why he came, to which Johnny responded that he just wanted to hang out. 

Safe to say that Ten didn’t believe him in the slightest. He stared at Johnny with narrowed eyes, before saying: “Yeah, okay. Tell you what; you stay here, and I’ll be right back. Then we can ‘just hang out’.” 

If Johnny didn’t know Ten any better, or if this wasn’t Ten, he’d think that he was alluding to some sorts of sexual activities. That thought, no matter how ridiculous, made Johnny blush. 

A couple of moments after Johnny had made himself comfortable on the unbelievably lush bed, Ten returned with a grin on his face and a pint of ice cream in his hand. 

“Ice cream?” Johnny questioned, eyebrows lifted.

Ten hopped on the bed next to him. “Choco chip. Your favorite.”

“Uhh, thanks, but I’m not hungry.” Food was the last thing on Johnny’s mind right now – even if it was choco chip ice cream.

Ten rolled his eyes. “Hyung, people don’t eat ice cream to soothe their hunger, but to soothe their depression.”

“But I’m not–”

“You didn’t hug me when you came here, and you haven’t given me a single compliment so far. There’s clearly something wrong with you.”

Johnny let out a dry snicker. “So what, since I’m not all over you and I haven’t stroked your ego for more than five minutes, that has to mean that there’s something wrong?”

“Yes.”

Johnny paused and then sighed as he took the pint from Ten’s hand and opened the delicious treat. He had probably been more hungry – or depressed – than he’d thought, considering he started devouring the ice cream ravenously. 

Ten smirked at him. “You’re so cute, hyung, thinking that you can fool me. So what is it? Another girl dumped you? Did you get dating advice from Yangyang again? I told you that not all girls like gaming arcades on the first date. Or any date.”

Johnny glanced down at the ice cream, his brows furrowing. “No. It’s not about dating.”

“What, then? Someone made fun of your nostrils? Because I’m ready to punch any asshole who dared to insult your cute Voldemort nostrils in the face.”

Johnny smiled, but it faltered. “I can’t go to college.”

That took Ten by surprise. “Huh? Why not?”

Johnny explained what his mom had told him before, trying to stay composed, though he could hear his voice growing weaker.

“So yeah,” he said when he finished, adding a shrug to emphasize how fucked he was. “After graduating, I’ll have to find a job. Hopefully, it’ll be enough to support me and mom. I can’t leave her alone, you know? She’s earning just slightly more than enough to not make us starve, and now it’s gonna be even less. I was stupid to think that I could go to college and let her work her ass off all by herself. Stupid and selfish.” Johnny paused to take a deep breath, but it came out ragged. 

Ten let him continue. Johnny appreciated that so much about him – Ten was an excellent listener. Considering Ten’s almost never-stopping snarky and teasing comments, one might think that he was just as terrible when it came to dealing with other people’s emotional problems as Yangyang. However, the great thing was that Ten had an impressive ability to read the room, and he always knew when to stop teasing, be quiet and seriously listen. Very rarely did he cross the line. 

“I mean, yeah, I’ve spent a bunch of sleepless nights studying for exams just so I could get straight As and go to a good college. Yeah, I’ve tried as much as I possibly could to overcome my average IQ handicap and nail even the subjects that I hate with burning passion and that I absolutely suck at, all for nothing. All for me to get a boring, shitty-paying job because non-shitty-paying jobs require a fucking degree. But hey, maybe it wasn’t meant to be, right? And college sucks anyways. At least now I’ll be earning money, even if not a lot of it. If I’m lucky, in like twenty years, I can earn enough to support my mom for the rest of her life, and then get my own apartment. You know what they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Or something like that.”

Johnny was stammering, voice unstable, eyes teary, and he found himself stabbing the ice cream with his spoon. 

“Hey, Johnny… Hey!” Ten called out in a firm tone, laying his hand on top of Johnny’s. Johnny stopped assaulting the dessert but didn’t ease his grip on the spoon.

“Look at me.”

“Forget it, Ten, I was just–”

“I said look at me.”

Johnny finally obeyed when he felt Ten’s hand gently resting on his cheek. He was taken aback by the tenderness in his eyes, yet his usual resolution and confidence didn't leave. And for the umpteenth time, Johnny was fascinated by Ten’s beauty, so up close. It was almost enough to calm him down. 

“Take a deep breath,” Ten said then.

“I don’t think that’s–”

“Shut up and take a deep breath, Johnny.”

Johnny had long given up on any chance of trying to defy Ten’s orders. Especially when he was holding Johnny’s face so close to his own and staring right into his eyes.

Johnny attempted an unsteady, shallow inhale, and then let it all out.

“Good, do it again.” 

Johnny did so until his breath got a bit more stable and Ten told him, in a voice more gentle than Johnny had ever heard from him: “Now inhale for six seconds, and then exhale, also for the count of six. Ready?”

Johnny nodded and began counting to six while simultaneously taking a long, deep breath, in and then out. 

“Good, good, keep going like that,” Ten murmured.

Johnny didn’t know whether it was the breathing exercise, or the effect of holding Ten’s gaze for the entire time, but his breath slowly started to steady and his body stopped trembling. He didn’t suddenly reach the state of total enlightenment, the depressing thoughts didn’t miraculously vanish, but he couldn’t deny that he did indeed feel calmer. 

Ten offered him a small smile. “Better?”

It was better. But now, noticing their rather intimate position and having Ten smiling at him so sweetly, Johnny’s heartbeat was accelerating once again. It wasn’t a bad feeling though, unlike his previous panic attack. Hence Johnny nodded.

Ten put some more distance between them, but his hand stayed on Johnny’s cheek. “Great, now listen to me, okay? You are not going to give up. I won’t let you. You’re goddamn Johnny Suh, the most hard-working and passionate person I know, and you deserve to go to college. You will go to college, and I will do everything I can to help you.”

Even though Johnny was moved by Ten’s words, he couldn’t help but frown slightly. “How can you help me? I don’t want any money from you, Ten.” Ten had offered before to lend him some money for various reasons, and Johnny had declined without any exception. Call it pride or whatever, but Johnny didn’t want anything he hadn’t earned. The thought of accepting anyone’s money made him uncomfortable.

Ten frowns as well. “Who said anything about money?”

“Well, how else could you possibly help me then?” Johnny asked, confused.

“However I can. I’ll help you find a job. I assume a part-time job won’t be enough to compensate for your mom’s work cut, so you need a full-time one.”

“Yeah, I know that, but I’m still in high school, I can’t work full-time in school.”

Ten didn’t budge even remotely, his gaze determined. “You’re an excellent student on top of your class. I’m sure if you talk to the principal about your family situation, he’d be willing to let you study from home, send assignments by mail, and just come to school for important exams. Everyone in that damn school knows that if there is someone who deserves to go to college, it’s you.”

That took Johnny aback – he genuinely had never thought of that. “But… but what if he won’t be willing to let me study remotely?”

Ten simply shrugged. “So we’ll find another way. And don’t ask what other way, and don’t ask any more ‘what if’s, Johnny. You’ve fought your whole life tooth and nail to get where you are, and you’re not going to give up now. Not under my watch, okay? If I have to, I’ll get a job with you, so you could get some extra help and study for the entrance exams while I cover for you or during breaks. I could even barge into the principal’s office and threaten him with my family’s connections. I know you wouldn’t let me, but I could. You just gotta work and fight harder than ever before, but I won’t let you lose your hope in your life.”

Johnny stared at Ten in awe. Of course he knew that Ten cared for him, but at that moment, the younger looked like was ready to declare war on the whole world, only for Johnny. Johnny was used to himself looking and feeling like that toward his loved ones, like he’d do anything to protect and help them, but that was Johnny. Even his mom had often told him that he had too much love for other people, that he cared too much. Ten was different. He cared, yes, but it was more subtle and he showed it rather with gestures than words. 

Johnny was an easy crier and always had been. He cried during romantic movies, sad songs, animal documentaries, and children's cartoons, so it was no surprise that his eyes swiftly filled up with tears at his best friend’s speech. 

Noticing it, Ten groaned, rolling his eyes. “C’mere, you big baby,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Johnny in a warm hug. Johnny let out an embarrassed laugh and gratefully pulled Ten closer, burying his head in Ten’s shoulder. 

It was one of those moments when Johnny was thanking all the possible existing deities for having had someone like Ten in his life.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Johnny sobbed into Ten’s shirt, damping it with his restless tears. 

Ten gently stroked Johnny’s hair. “Of course I do, baby,” he said and Johnny could tell from his voice that he was smiling. “And you’re amazing too, because I wouldn’t be friends with someone not-amazing, got it?”

Johnny huffs another laugh. “Okay, I got it… But you don’t have to do it for me, you know? Just having you by my side is enough. You seriously don’t need to get a job just to help me, or anything like that. That’s too much to ask from you.”

“Hyung…” Ten grumbles. “How can you be so smart and yet so stupid?”

“What do you mean?”

Ten didn’t answer for a few seconds. Johnny could barely hear him when he then whispered: “I’d do anything for you, Johnny.”

There was something in Ten’s voice that made Johnny freeze in his arms for a moment – tenderness… longing… love. 

His words were like a warm blanket carefully put over Johnny’s heart. The blanket was too cozy and Johnny didn’t want to remove it, though he knew he had to. His common sense told him that he couldn’t accept the blanket because he didn’t have enough of his own love for it. Johnny soon realized that that wasn’t the issue – the issue was that he had enough love and even more to accept it, but accepting it would mean that everything would change and that Johnny would have to face his own feelings. And Johnny wasn’t ready for that, at least not today.

He didn’t want to remove the blanket completely though, so Johnny pulled Ten closer toward him and closed his eyes, letting the frantic beating of Ten’s heart against his own lull him into a temporary state of peace and safety.

Johnny remembers how he felt back then when Ten held him and told him to breathe. He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose. The first couple of breaths are, just like that day in Ten’s bedroom, unstable and shallow. Now he doesn’t have Ten’s soft voice encouraging him. But nine or so breaths later, Johnny is able to steadily inhale and exhale for the count of six. His lungs fill out with all the air he can collect before he lets it all out, slow and deep. It doesn’t take very long before Johnny stops trembling and he finds out that he can even walk, taking his sweet time to reach the living room, where he plops down on the couch.

Ten is dead.

Somehow Johnny still doesn’t want to believe it. He can’t be gone, he just can’t. Not him.

Johnny mindlessly stands up again and goes back to the kitchen to grab his phone from the table. He opens his last conversation with Ten. It’s from four days ago – the day before the accident – and Ten was wishing him good night and saying that he couldn’t wait for tomorrow. A heart emoji. Johnny scrolls up to their older messages (he has them all saved), and the stinging feeling in his chest returns. It’s like he can almost hear Ten, his adorable voice, reading out all these messages to him. They’re all as cute as Ten himself. 

Johnny swallows heavily when he scrolls back down to the last message. Is this really the last text he’s ever going to get from Ten?

Johnny stares at the message as if expecting to receive an alert of a new text from him any second. Perhaps foolish, Johnny then types: ‘Ten, please call me’ and presses send. After not getting any response in ten minutes, Johnny dials Ten’s number. “The number you have dialed is not in service,” comes from the other side.

He grits his teeth and is about to throw his phone across the living room, when it suddenly starts ringing. The hope that Johnny thought was gone springs up his body. He texted Ten to call him, and he really has. He’s alive after all!

Johnny’s excitement and hope plummet down faster than they appeared when he looks at his phone and sees ‘Mom’ on the screen. Irritated, and even more so disheartened, Johnny declines the call. Among yesterday and today’s events, he’s forgotten about his dear mother, and now he realizes that she might’ve gotten the news about his accident already, and if she has, she must be worried crazy. However, Johnny doesn’t feel like he can manage to talk to anyone right now, so he just texts her that he’s okay and that he’ll call her later. Who knows when that later will be.

It’s pure torture, but that doesn’t stop Johnny from going through some of the photos he took from his phone. Johnny loves taking photos, especially of other people. Especially of Ten.

It’s becoming redundant by now, how amazed Johnny is by Ten’s beauty. He is naturally photogenic, able to make any random moment turn into a stunning picture. Luckily for Johnny, Ten likes to have his photos taken and Johnny has surely taken advantage of it. It’s almost embarrassing – and to some, it might seem borderline obsessive – how many photos of Ten does Johnny have saved in his phone: Ten in his graduation hat, Ten cuddling with his cats, Ten reading a book, Ten dozing off in a car (kept with his consent, of course). The ones where Ten was posing for Johnny are his favorites. One time they had an impromptu photoshoot for fun in Ten’s bedroom, and Ten spread across his bed, gazing up at Johnny with a half-lidded gaze made him flustered (a.k.a turned on) to say the least. The next picture was from when all of them hung out at a beach and Ten, smiling from ear to ear, was embracing a comically disgusted Yangyang. 

The beach.

Johnny immediately leaps up from the couch. Of course, how could he have been so stupid? Johnny is almost certain that he did see Ten at the beach yesterday. It was too real to be a dream, and considering he’d left the hospital before that, it couldn’t have been a drug-induced hallucination either. There is still a minuscule possibility that their romantic rendezvous was simply a fragment of Johnny’s imagination, but he refuses to believe that. There is, however, one way to find out for sure. He has to go back there.

With another rented car, Johnny drives back to the beach he and Ten visited yesterday. The beach you think you and Ten visited yesterday, Johnny reminds himself, before shushing his obnoxious common sense.

Not all hope is lost yet. Maybe there has been some mistake, and the doctors mixed up Ten with some other dead guy. Or maybe Ten had only looked like he had been dead when the paramedics had arrived, but then they revived him in the hospital, and then the mix-up occurred. It happens, right? Johnny has seen some movies where children were switched at birth, so why can’t it happen to patients as well? 

If Yangyang – always the voice of reason – was listening to him right now, he’d most definitely call him out on his bullshit. But Yangyang isn’t here, and Johnny is not going to give up on even the smallest chance that Ten might be alive. 

Johnny finally arrives at his destination after a couple of detours and wrong turns. Since it’s quite far away from the city, not many people choose this spot for their leisure activities. That’s why he, Ten, Mark, and Yangyang loved to go there when they were in high school; virtually no one could hear their loud bickering, splashing, and god knows what other sounds that were part of their shenanigans. 

He parks his car at the top of the cliff, same as yesterday, and then walks down to the beach itself. As expected, Johnny is all alone. Not even a pair of students making out on the sand – an occasional sight that used to make the four of them cringe and begrudgingly return to the nearby bus stop where they’d come from. Good days.

Johnny sits down at the same spot he and Ten were sitting, and takes a deep breath of the cool ocean air. His eyes close by themselves as Johnny simply lets the wind caress his face and the calming sound of the waves fill his ears. Immediately, he recalls the same wind and waves around him when he kissed Ten, finally letting his defenses drop after all that time. The breeze lightly ruffled Ten’s hair, making him look even more lovely, when he gave Johnny a sweet, wide smile before he leaned closer to connect their lips again. 

Johnny opens his eyes and he swears he can see a silhouette of a man sitting next to him for a millisecond. He chooses to ignore it and instead stands up and shuffles toward the water, the sand crunching under his feet. He takes off his shoes and steps right into the water licking his bare feet and ankles. The blazing sun is high up in the sky, in contrast to the warm sunset which colored Ten’s naked skin in a light red undertone. If Ten were now here with him, he’d look paler, but equally beautiful. It might’ve not been as romantic as yesterday, but Johnny wouldn’t need a picturesque sunset to press Ten against him in the water again and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He wouldn’t need the subdued glow of the falling sun reflecting on Ten’s slender form to move his hands across the younger’s body, getting a feel of every curve, every inch of the soft skin. 

No, this couldn’t have been a dream. Logic be damned, Johnny would bet his life that yesterday was real. Dreams can seem real, but not this real. Not nearly as real as the smoothness of Ten’s skin under his hands, or the subtle taste of coconut-flavored lip balm on his lips. And certainly not as real as the tingling in Johnny’s ear when Ten whispered “I love you,” over and over again, until Johnny heard an echo of the magical words in his head. 

If this was all a mega-realistic illusion, that would mean that Johnny didn’t kiss Ten and that he never got to confess how he felt about him. It would mean that all they ever got were the stolen, longing glances and subtle touches. It would mean that Ten died without knowing how much Johnny truly loved him and that Johnny has forever lost the chance to tell him.

Johnny stands here near the shore and stares ahead at the cloudless sky, trying to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest that is nearly pulling him down with its weight. Once again Johnny attempts to close his eyes and take deep breaths, but he soon realizes that he doesn’t need to calm down anymore. His breathing isn’t ragged and he isn’t close to hyperventilating as he was in his apartment. No relaxing techniques, not even medication, can help what he is going through at this moment, because there is no panic or anxiety… There is only a total emptiness.

The weight that has been slowly pulling him down causes him to collapse hard, and the black hole consumes every single remaining part that hasn’t been sucked into the darkness yet. 

Johnny finally bursts into tears.

The moment he returns home and sits on his bed, the previously blocked tears spill out and Johnny starts crying harder than he ever has before, sobbing desperately into his pillow. A part of Johnny is glad that he can finally let everything out now and cry his heart out. But the effect his relief has is miniscule in comparison to the devastating sorrow and pain running throughout his quivering body. 

Ten is dead.

It is not logic that has made Johnny reach this conclusion, but rather that horrible empty feeling that made him realize that no matter what the hell happened or didn’t happen yesterday, whether it was a dream or a hallucination or perhaps something else, Ten is indeed gone. He will never see him again, never get to hear his voice, his laugh, never get to touch him, to kiss him… He is gone. 

Johnny has sometimes wondered how much a person can cry in one sitting. As it turns out, it’s a lot.