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Todd’s POV:
The first time he had a dream about Neil it was after they threw his desk set off the roof on his birthday. He dreamt of Neil’s deep eyes and inviting laugh, of his cupid bow lips and sparkling aura. He dreamt of how they could be happy together, of how their bodies could fit together in the most intimate of ways. It wasn’t until the image of him making out with Neil appeared in his mind's eyes did he jerk awake, dosed in a cold sweat as he processed what that could mean.
He tried to reason with himself, saying that it was a fluke, that he only thought of that because his emotions were running high from the excitement of the night before. But as he gazed at Neil’s sleeping he couldn’t help, but feel a stir of emotion that he thought he had discouraged long ago.
As a child he was different from the other boys, he preferred to read than play baseball and enjoyed being by himself more than with his classmates. The first time he had a crush he was in fourth grade after his classmate Liam kissed him in a game of house. He was the mom and Liam was the dad who was leaving for work. It was chaste, just a simple peck on his cheek, but it made him flush and he asked Jeff about it the second he got home. Jeff had told him not to ever tell anyone, that he shouldn’t have felt the way he did and he believed him.
He had pushed all feelings of romance towards boys away after that, instead forcing himself to chase after girls in his class despite his lack of attraction. He’d thought that shameful part of him had died out, sizzled to nothing in the years of repression, but apparently not. He felt disgusted at the thought, at his sinful secret that he’d thought he’d be able to keep to himself forever.
That he would keep to himself forever.
As the days passed it grew harder to suppress his desire. His heart fluttered at every innocent touch Neil gave him, body burning as the teen’s soft hands came in contact with his skin. He found himself powerless against the pull of Neil, caught between knowing he should avoid the boy, but not because of the pain he felt when away from the teen. He tried to ignore the way his face flushed when he helped Neil run lines for the play he’d secretly joined. Couldn’t help, but give in every time Neil asked him to do something, the teen rarely did things for himself and he couldn’t let him down.
He constantly had to stop from staring too long at the way Neil flowed through the air, always moving while he talked, so lively and energetic. He hid the way he focused on Neil instead of whatever lesson their teachers were giving, choosing to watch the way Neil chewed on his pencils instead of taking notes from the board.
He withdrew from the group, scared that if he were to speak all the things he’d been thinking would flow free, leaving him alone once more. He didn’t talk unless asked a question and even then his answer was brief. He didn’t hang out with them unless they told him to and he started taking his meals to his little spot by the lake, hidden by large trees so no one could see him. Even Mr. Keating couldn’t bring him out of his shell and eventually the man just stopped calling on him.
The only time he voiced his thoughts anymore was through his poetry, he’d built up quite a collection about Neil, but he just couldn’t stop.
He felt like this feeling of painful love was consuming him alive like a burning fire.
And he had no way of putting it out.
“Mr. Anderson,” Mr. Keating called out one day after class, “a word?”
He hesitatingly stayed behind, already worrying about what the man was going to speak to him about. He couldn’t think of anything he’d done wrong as of late, he’d gotten all his work in and participated as much in class as he could without speaking.
“Sir?” He asked in confusion and fear as Mr. Keating led him back into the class and hopped up so he was sitting on his desk.
“I’ve been reading your poetry,” The man spoke slowly, “it’s very good, the tortured romantic is one of my favorite genres behind the content one.” The man paused for a few seconds after that before saying the words that made his heart drop.
“Next class you are going to perform one of your poems.” The man said it so surely, like a command and his heartbeat stopped before working double time.
“S-sir, I can’t, I just, I can’t do that, there not, the others,” He tried to stutter out his protest, but they fell of deaf ears.
“Nonsense, do not worry about the others in the room for they are insignificant. All that matters are the words you put on the page, the pure emotion that spills through your work is like music to my ears. You have a talent that shouldn’t be confined by insecurity. You are far more skillful than my other students, although don’t tell them that.” The man spoke with a slight chuckle.
“I’m not sure if I can do that, sir,” He sighs, shifting his book bag nervously, “I’ve never read in front of people before.”
“Well there’s a first time for everything, I expect you to have something to recite tomorrow. Now run along, I’m sure your friends are waiting.” Mr. Keating got up and gestured towards the door which he immediately started towards, craving his freedom from the small room. Right as he was about to open the door and dissenter Mr. Keating spoke once more, “Oh and Mr. Anderson, as much as I hate to alter poetry, I do suggest you change the ‘he’ in your poems to ‘they’, if only for you safety, I would hate to see you be hurt for such a ridiculous reason, but the world is cruel and unfair.”
He ran out after that, not bothering to be polite as he slammed the door open and started down the near empty hallway towards the main staircase. He’d been so careful, but he didn’t think about his wording all that well. He just let the ideas flow and he’d thought it was okay because he’d never mentioned Neil by name, but he fucked up regardless. And now Mr. Keating knew, knew his dirty little secret that he promised to keep hidden and it was too much.
He rushed back to his and Neil’s room, ignoring the questioning gaze of the students he passed. He slammed and locked the door the second he got in, throwing his bag to the ground and himself to the corner of his bed. He pressed his back against the walls, trying to slow his rapid breathing and thudding heart.
Keating knows, they all know, they can tell, I know they can tell, He thought over and over again, chest heaving in terror. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t think, couldn’t breath, all he thought about was how his secret was out. He tried to figure out how to proceed, had no idea what he could do to ease the tension in his chest except…
Charlie had scored them all a few tiny bottles of vodka a little while back, the others had drinken their’s durning the dead poets meeting, but he had saved his, not willing to be drunk around them lest he say something to give himself away.
But now he was alone and Neil wouldn’t be back until the end of dinner which was several hours from now.
His hand crept towards the side of his mattress, reaching beneath until he could grip the cold glass bottles of grey goose vodka. He pulled them out from under him with shaking hands, staring at the tiny contanter. Each bottle contained about three shots worth, just enough to get tipsy, but with two bottles and his lightweight self…
He smiled shakily as he uncapped the first bottle, dragging it to his lips and bracing himself for the burn as he tipped the clear liquid down his throat. It hurt and he hacked as he drank it down, but he didn’t care, the blaze just fuling him on. He knew it was a bad idea to drink so much so soon, but he quickly downed the other bottle as well, reveling in the sting it gave his throat.
He felt good when the alcohol seeped into his brain, calming everything and he melted against his bed. He didn’t know how much time had passed that he simply rested, giggling at his own thoughts and staring at the funny patterns of the ceiling.
He startled when the door opened, quickly glancing at the clock to see that it wasn’t nearly late enough for Neil to be back yet and he looked at the door in confusion.
“Todd?” Neil asked and his gaze finally falling on the tall teen in the doorway, a smile growing on his face at the sight.
“Neil,” He rejoiced, reaching towards the boy with grabby hands, “What’re you do’ng here?” He slurred.
“Are you drunk?” Neil asked, concern painting his voice as the boy stepped towards him quickly and settling beside him on the bed.
“Only a little,” He replied, fingers pinching together to prove his point.
“Jesus, Todd, what were you thinking? You're in school,” Neil spoke as the boy gently raised him into a sitting position. The teen’s hands felt warm against his back and shoulders as they manhandled him and he wished that he could feel those hands on him in a less than platonic way.
“Hmm, I don’ know, just wanted to feel better,” he confessed, eyes closed so he couldn’t see the way Neil’s eyebrows furrowed with worry at his admittance.
“Why weren’t you feeling okay?” Neil asked, cupping his face and he felt like weeping at how soft the touch was. He opened his eyes to look into Neil’s deep ones, so full of life and passion. He wished he could feel the way Neil felt and wished he could have the world listen to him and not ignore. It was impossible to ignore Neil, his presence was too bold to be disregarded.
“I disgust myself,” It slips out without him meaning to say it, his mind too fogged to stop from uttering the words. He says it with a self-loathing smile, pleased that someone was listening to his truth.
Or at least part of it.
“Todd,” Neil whispered, eyes wide as dinner plates as the teen gazed down upon him. “Don’t say that, you’re amazing, you’re everything anyone could want to be.”
“Please, don’t lie,” He muttered, reaching up to gently trace over Neil’s soft hands with his own, revealing the feeling of his warm skin. “I know I’m awful, even if you’re to blind to see, I am the snake in the grass, destined to bring those around me down even without meaning to.”
“Oh, Todd,” Neil sighed and to his horror he saw tears welding in the boy’s brown eyes, “I wish you could see yourself how I see you,”
He hummed in agreement without truly processing the words, already feeling his eyes droop in fatigue. His mind simmered to a halt as unconsciousness crept around the corner of his thoughts. The muffled sound of Neil calling his name graced his ears as his body heavied and his brain went dark. The last thing he remembered was the warmth of Neil’s body against his as he drifted off into the land of the dead.
He awoke the next morning with tiny gremlins hammering inside his skull, chipping away the bone until he felt as if the skin of his forehead was being pierced. His stomach churned in hunger and hangover sickness as he groggily became aware of his surroundings. He was in his bed, propped up against some unknown figure without memory of the night before. He tried to conjure the thoughts of what had happened, but the last he could remember was doing a finger puppet show in his bed while laughing at it’s hilariousness.
As he tried to remember the day before he shifted around, trying to get more comfortable in his bed by turning on his side only to reveal a sight he’d never thought he’d see. Neil was resting mere inches from him, slim chest rising and following with every breath and he felt his eyes bulge out of his head. He scrambled away from the other teen, trying his best not to stir Neil from his slumber as he did. He couldn’t remember how the boy had ended up in his bed, but it did not matter the reason, he needed to get away no matter what.
He shimmied out of bed, quiet as a mouse as he quickly changed into a fresh school uniform and grabbed his book bag from where he discouraged it on the floor the day before. It was very early, classes hadn’t begon yet, but he didn’t care as he grabbed his poem for Keating’s and slipped out of the room. He started off towards Keating’s room, having it first class that morning he was happy to sit it out until then. His head still pounded in agony and his stomach protested his lack of substance, but he ignored it all in favor of walking down the abandoned hallways.
He stopped once he was outside Keating's classroom, settled down next to the door and pulled out the book he was supposed to finish for his history class that afternoon. He tried to focus on the words of the page, but his sight kept blurring as he thought back to what could have happened the day before.
Flashes of the events came to him, but he couldn’t quite make them out, like he was seeing them through the wrong glass lens and it was blurred. He couldn’t hear the words spoken either, only vague words with no context. He stared down at the writing with pinched eyebrows and a frown on his face.
“Mr. Anderson, why don’t you join me instead of sitting out here like a stray kitten?” He startled when Mr. Keating’s voice rang throughout the empty hallway and looked up to see the long form of his teacher casting a shadow over him.
“Sir?”
“Come in, have a spot of breakfast before class, I wish to speak to you again, I fear I owe you an apology.” Mr. Keating spoke the last part with a saddened sigh before gesturing him into the room. He jumped to his feet quickly, never one to disobey a teacher no matter how confused the order made him.
“Why would you need to apologize to me, sir?” He asked, confusion coating his face, hiding the slight fear he had that the apology was because Mr. Keating had told someone else.
“I scared you the other day, that was not my intention, I only wanted to make sure you stayed safe, but I didn’t go about it in the best way,” The man said, turning to him with honest, open eyes. “I want you to know this Todd, I support my students, my job as a teacher is not just to drill your young brains with information, but to show you how to grow and learn on your own. I do not care if you think everything about me is ridiculous or fake, this will always be true, I care about my students not only as students, but as people.” The man paused slightly.
“I didn’t wish to make you uncomfortable when I mentioned your preference the other day, I simply meant that you should take care, for some are not as accepting as others. Do not mistake me, you should not live in hiding, but be wary of those around you that you do not know to be true. You are a bright boy Todd Anderson, I do not wish to see such potential squandled by something as insignificant as romantic taste. Love is what makes us human, passion is what drives us to live, it should never be concealed nor shamed.”
He knew his mouth was gaping at the words his teacher spoke, never had he heard someone speak the subject of shameful desires like his so freely without a hint of judgment or revulsion. Most avoided the topic all together, but from what he’d heard from classmates and family members throughout the years no one should be speaking so unabashedly about it, especially without a hint of discouragement.
He couldn’t help, but feel like Mr. Keating’s words were faux, hollow framed only with feigned sympathy to lure him into false safety.
A clever trap set by a clever hunter where the prey practically signed its own death.
“Sir, I, I don’t understand, I can’t,” He tried to force the words out, to make his feelings known, but he simply couldn’t.
“You don’t need to answer right now Mr. Anderson, but know that I am here if you need someone to speak to. I promise that all you say will stay between us.” Mr. Keating smiled encouragingly at him and he couldn’t help, but give a small grin in return.
The breakfast bell rung, echoing throughout the corridors and he jumped slightly at the sound which caused Mr. Keating to chuckle in amusement.
“Time for breakfast, I have bars and I have oatmeal, which do you wish to have Mr. Anderson?” Mr. Keating asked gleefully.
“Um, may I have a bar please?” He replied, completely out of his depth on how to act.
“Of course, catch,” He stumbled for a second with the bar hurled towards him, nearly dropping it before managing to get a grip. He flushed in embarrassment at his lack of reflexes and ability, anyone can catch a bar barely thrown at them.
His stomach growled in appreciation as he bit into the granola breakfast bar, the gooey chocolate causing him to groan. Him and Mr. Keating ate in silence, awkwardly passing the time before classes began. Once he was finished he sat at his desk and pulled out his book once more. He still couldn’t totally focus on what was being said, but he managed to read a bit more although he had to read it several times before he got it.
When the bell rang it sounded like a death knell to him, the ringing filling his ears in the most horrible of ways.
Neil’s POV:
When he woke up without Todd next to him he became worried and that fear only grew when Todd wasn’t at breakfast.
The boy had been so shaken up last night and he couldn’t get over the look of pure contentment and acceptance on Todd’s face as the teen spoke his self-hatred. He had to hold himself back from scooping the other teen into his arms and peppering him with kisses and kind words. He never wanted Todd to feel bad, wished only the best for his roommate, his friend, his love.
Because he was in love with Todd, that he realized fairly soon after he convinced the others that Todd should be allowed in the dead poet society even if he didn’t speak. He knew that he was attracted to the other boy after only a few seconds of knowing him and it only grew when he accidentally caught sight of Todd changing in the locker rooms. But he hadn’t realized it had turned into full fledged love until he realized just how far he was willing to go to keep Todd close to him.
To be honest he’d never felt so strongly towards someone before, never really had the chance to know anyone except the prisy family friends his parents invited over from time to time and the gang at school.
And never in his life would he ever be attracted to those morons.
But Todd was different, so caring and complex, really shy at first, but there was a whole different world inside the boy’s head that he was finally starting to see. Todd was intelligent and sensitive and hardworking and creative, so damn imaginative that it hurt every time Todd hesitated to speak his mind. He’d only caught a glimpse of Todd’s poems over the past few weeks, but they were beautiful all the same.
Just like Todd.
And now he might have lost Todd.
He knew he should have gotten up after the boy had passed out, but he was worried that Todd might hurt himself when he woke up. The teen rarely asked for help with anything and he didn’t want Todd getting injured because he was trying to walk or get a glass of water for himself while still intoxicated. From what he could tell Todd had drunk a lot and quickly, the two empty bottles laying in Todd’s hand told him so. He’d never seen Todd drink before, but he would guess the kid was a lightweight so the amount of alcohol he’d ingested was over enough to get him drunk. He couldn’t leave Todd to fend for himself against the hangover to come so he never left the bed, expecting he’d be woken when Todd was.
He’d been lying in he said he hadn’t enjoyed the feeling of Todd’s body against his, warm and pliant. Todd was soft, the boy was less hard angles and brawn, but more gently lean muscles that didn’t add much bulk. Todd moved and mumbled in his sleep, he knew that from sharing a room with the boy for so long, but it was different when he could see the boy’s kissable pink lips moving and watch every wavering expression on the teen’s face.
When he started to feel himself grow tired it was well past his usual bedtime and he was sure that Todd was out for the night. With a tiny bit of guilt he’d climbed under the soft covers and gotten comfortable. He made sure to face away from the boy, not wanting to cross any more lines than he’d already had, but his decision to do so was in vain for mere seconds after he’d settled Todd shifted in his sleep once more and curled around his back.
He tried to move to a less compromising position, but Todd had a death grip on him, leg bent against his hip and arm slung around his chest, pulling him tight like a lonely person’s pillow. He could feel Todd’s breath against the back of his neck, felt the way Todd burrowed into his back with no remorse. He hated himself for liking it so much, hated how it made his heart pound rapidly in his chest because there was no way awake Todd would be doing this. Awake Todd didn’t want to cuddle with him, to be honest he was pretty sure awake Todd didn’t want to cuddle with any dudes. And that hurt, he could handle rejection just fine, but the knowledge that Todd didn’t like him after getting the tiniest taste of what it could be like made it so much worse.
But he found himself unable to save himself from the future pain as he drifted away to the feeling of Todd flushed against his back, soft hair tickling at his neck as the boy nuzzled into him. At that moment he didn’t care about the sting of rejection or the sorrow of being the odd one out, attracted to the wrong person in all ways that society cared about.
At that moment all he wanted was to turn around and return the soft touch, hold Todd close and make sure the boy never felt how he had said that afternoon.
It was agony waking up without Todd there, he knew that the chances of it happening were high, but he still hoped the boy would be there. He didn’t want Todd to think him a creep or freak for resting with him, but he knew that anyone would. He thought he might be able to explain himself at breakfast, to pull the boy away from the crowd and speak to Todd then, but he wasn’t there.
To say he ran to Mr. Keating’s class was an understatement, he was sure that Todd wasn’t going to miss any more lessons so he thought he’d be able to beat the boy there and talk to him before the bell rang, but Todd was already there as well as a few other students. He tried to take his seat as casually as possible, act like nothing was wrong, but that notion was thrown overboard when Todd looked at him with huge eyes and blushed a glorious red. The teen was so adorable sometimes, the way his blue eyes sparkled and danced in the light and his face became pink with embarrassment was too much for his young heart to handle.
As the students filed in he couldn’t take his eyes off Todd, the way the teen opened his bag and began sorting through the papers there like he knew what was about to happen. How the boy stuck his tongue slightly out while he read the words on the pages with intensity.
Everything about him was captivating in all the best ways.
He didn’t pay attention to the lesson, barely heard the words Mr. Keating was speaking until one particular sentence broke through his Todd caused hase.
“-a poem being performed by the very student that wrote it, please give it up for Todd Anderson, a true poet in the making and one of Welton’s finests.”
He starred in admiration and shock as Todd made his way to the front of the class, eyes downcast as he gripped a page of loose paper in his hand. He watched as Todd looked towards Mr. Keating and the man nodded in encouragement before reading the words he’d written.
“Hazelnut eyes deep and dark like the endlessness of space,
With glowing specks of life which I simply cannot misplace,
Voice speaks deep with holy poise that bless my ears,
Soft words that curb my pitiful tears,
They leave me blind and yet I do not care,
For my love is hardly fair,
Although it is true and bold
It leaves me lonely and cold
For I know that is is a sin
But this forbidden fruit makes my head spin
And revives the snake within.”
The class sat in shock for a few seconds, processing the words they heard drip from Todd’s mouth like he’d done it a million times before. Never had he heard Todd speak with such passion and surety, not a single misstep or stutter. He couldn’t help the grin that grew across his face and he started clapping which in turn caused the others in the classroom to start clapping as well.
Todd grinned bashfully at them as he shuffled back to his seat and he couldn’t help, but smile at the boy and give him a thumbs up. Todd blushes when he catches his eye and looks away with a small smile and he feels his love for the boy grow.
He couldn’t focus for the rest of class, reciting the words of Todd in his head over and over again. As time went on he realized that it was certainly a love poem which caused his heart to ache over the loss of a love he never really had. But who could blame him, he knew Todd didn’t return his feelings, but that didn’t stop him from hoping. Having it confirmed that Todd didn’t like him, but rather liked some girl with brown eyes that apparently sparkled. He didn’t quite understand some of the wording, mostly the sinning bit and the snake of Eden reference. He’d never thought Todd was a particularly religious person, but to be fair he’d never spoken to the boy about such things.
Still, the only plausible reason he could find for Todd’s apparent love to be a sin is if he’d have sex already with whoever it was which was something he did not want to think about. The sickening image of Todd wrapped around some girl he didn’t know blazed to life in his mind and he fought back a grimace.
The poem continued to plague him throughout the day, he loved all of Todd’s works, each one a blessing to the world, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. The poem was beautiful, but he wished it was directed at him rather than some chick Todd knows. He was quiet for once during lunch which thankfully Todd attended, mouse. The other boys questioned Todd endlessly, but the boy was practically mute, never a word spoken. but the boy was just as silent as ever, even more so today. The other boys tried to drag information out of Todd about who the poem was about, but Todd didn’t utter a single word, he remained mute and didn’t acknowledge the questions at all.
To be honest he was slightly scared how silent Todd was being at the moment, the boy rarely spoke, but he got his point across in other ways. A simple eyebrow raise or tilt of his mouth could show off what was going on in his glorious mind.
But Todd was just blank today, like the poem had sucked all energy and communication out of him and left nothing, but a husk of a gorgeous blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy.
Class continued, neither him nor Todd speaking to and he honestly couldn’t understand how Todd could do this day after day. He hated not piping into the conversation or chiming in with a joke, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He felt kind of lonely, despite being around people, like he was there, but not really being seen.
He wondered if this was how Todd felt most of the time.
When they finally got back to their room after dinner he couldn’t hold it in any longer, whatever weight that had been crushing his ability to speak disaperated the second they were alone together.
“You were amazing today,” He said, quietly, much too quietly for his liking, but he felt like he couldn’t raise his voice, that going any louder would break whatever tension was settled over the room.
Because there was tension, he could practically feel Todd’s anxiety rolling off him and it felt like the atmosphere could be cut with a knife.
Todd jumped slightly when he spoke and blushed a slight pink, not quite the deep red he was used to, but gorgeous all the same.
“Thanks,” Todd stuttered out, not looking him in the eye, but he couldn’t help, but feel like he won something. He always felt like he won something when Todd answered in words.
“I’m serious, you were incredible, I’ve never heard such talent. I swear Todd, if you don’t pursue poetry I am going to force you to.” He said with a grin that Todd bashfully returned, he could see the boy didn’t really trust his words, but he continued anyway. “You were ethereal today, I almost couldn’t believe it was real. Who, whoever it was you wrote about, she’s lucky to have you.” He said honestly, even though it kind of broke him inside.
He noticed the way Todd tensed when he mentioned the girl, but that didn’t surprise him, Todd was never one to talk about personal things like that. To be completely honest he was surprised that Todd even wrote a love poem to read in class. He was sure that if Todd was to read a poem out loud it’d be one that didn’t reveal or relate to him, but apparently he was wrong.
“I don’t think they’re that lucky to be honest,” Todd said with a chuckle that he knew wasn’t genuine, it was the same one Todd always used when he wanted to divert the attention to something other than him. He frowned at the boy’s words and faux carefree attitude, he couldn’t understand what Todd might mean. To be frank he was surprised Todd answered him at all, the boy really only answered questions directed at him.
“What’d you mean?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed as he carefully analyzed how Todd looked at the moment.
“I just, nevermind, forget it.” The boy waved him off after a second, but he clung on to the first two words, knowing that even if it was for half a second, Todd was going to answer him.
“No,” He responded and Todd looked at him with a confused expression.
“What do you mean ‘no’?”
“No,” He replied, stepping forward towards the boy slightly, “I won’t forget it, what did you mean?” His voice came out more commanding than he meant it to, could see that it startled Todd. The boy always seemed to shy away from conflict of any sort, the slightest hint of a raised voice and Todd disappeared into the background. To be completely honest, he sometimes wondered if Todd could somehow teleport because Todd seemed to just evaporate into the air the second eyes were off him the second one of the boys started arguing.
“I didn’t mean anything, Neil,” He could hear the lie in Todd’s voice, the defense that was there. When Todd lied he didn’t stutter, he sounded more confident than he did when he was telling the truth. He guessed that it was because when Todd lied he was trying to believe it, believing that what he was saying was true to sell the lie and for someone who never believed in themselves it was more refined.
“You clearly did, anyone would be lucky to have you, don’t you dare think otherwise,” He made sure his voice wasn’t as brash as before, softer and more comforting, but still firm, leaving no space for arguing. “Whoever it is, I’m sure she'll be very happy with you, she’s an idiot if she doesn’t like you back.”
“You don’t understand, Neil, just stop talking about it okay,” Todd’s voice was sharper now than he’d ever heard before, more tense and angered and he briefly wondered if he should back down.
“What don’t I understand?” He asks, taking yet another step forward, “Just tell me so I can help you with whatever it is, then you can go be happy with your dream girl.”
“Stop it, Neil,” Todd suddenly shouted, voice echoing throughout the tiny dorm room, “Just fucking let it go,” Todd never swore and he stepped back in shock at the sound, “God, for once in your fucking life, just stop.”
And with that Todd disappeared out of the door and down the hallway, leaving him awkwardly standing in their shared dorm with no idea what to do.
He knew he shouldn’t have pushed the issue, he knew Todd hated talking about personal things, but he couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t stand the idea of Todd not thinking he deserved love, even if it wasn’t him and he went too far like always. He wished he knew when to quit, when to realize that it was hopeless or over the line.
He stood silently in the room, not knowing how to proceed before making up his mind and heading down the hallway himself. He’d never visited a teacher outside of class for reasons other than academics, but for some reason he had a strong calling to Mr. Keating’s room and he trusted his gut.
As he approached Mr. Keating’s door his heart thudded in his chest, he couldn’t help, but feel slightly anxious as he knocked on the old wooden door, but he needn't fear because Mr. Keating called him in almost instantaneously.
“Ah, Mr. Perry, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Mr. Keating grinned brightly, but the encouraging smile faltered when the man saw his grim expression.
“I, I made a mistake,” He said and Mr. Keating gestured for him to sit in his seat which he did before continuing, “I was talking to Todd and I said something that I shouldn’t and I kept arguing with him and I just, I think I ruined everything.” He saw the way Mr. Keating tensed slightly when he said Todd’s name, but didn’t dwell on it.
“What’d you say?”
“I complimented him on his poem.” He sighed, offering no other explanation and Mr. Keating stared at him confused for a few seconds.
“I’m afraid I don’t see the problem with that,” Mr. Keating replied and he elaborated.
“I told him that whoever it was about, that she was lucky, but he said that he didn’t think that they were lucky.” He answered, “I asked him what he meant and he told me to drop it, but, but I didn’t and I continued to ask him about it and he snapped, which is fair. I just, I just wish I could go back and stop asking him about it when I could.”
“What did Todd tell you about his poem?” The man’s voice was carefully, like he knew something else that was going on.
“Nothing really, just said that I didn’t understand and that the girl he’s in love with wasn’t lucky, which is just a lie.”
“Oh Neil,” Mr. Keating sighed, “Why were you so adamant about the ‘girl’ Todd’s in love with is lucky?” The question caught him off guard, but he answered honestly.
“Well, because, anyone would be lucky to be loved by Todd,” He answered like it was common knowledge. “I can’t imagine someone not loving Todd, he’s perfect and anyone who doesn’t see that is just a moron.”
Mr. Keating hummed appreciatively at his answer and he watched as something akin to realization crossed the man’s face. He briefly feared that he went to far in his explanation, but Mr. Keating smiled at him.
“You love him,” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, a fact that was truer than any he’d heard before. He wanted to protest, to lie and say the man was wrong, but Mr. Keating didn’t look disgusted or like he thought it was wrong, so he stayed silent. “You should tell him.”
He balked at that, couldn’t imagine that what he said was true, sure that the four words he’d just heard weren't a hallucination.
“I can’t do that,” He shouted, hands flailing in shock. “He’ll hate me, if he doesn’t already.”
“I guarantee he won’t,” Mr. Keating said with a knowing smile, “I have a sneaking suspicion that the poem was in fact about you.”
“N-no way, Todd doesn’t, he isn’t, he’s not.” He stuttered, feeling like an idiot as he struggled to get the words out.
“He isn’t what?” Mr. Keating asked, eyebrow raised, “I think you should analyze Todd’s words a bit more, especially towards the end, I think you’ll realize a bit more about your dear friend Todd if you do.” And with that he was guided out of his seat and towards the door.
He didn’t understand Mr. Keaitng’s words, all he’d been doing all day was think about Todd’s poem. He’d been reciting the same words in his head since he’d heard them, letting them fester inside of him until they threatened to consume him.
But he took the man’s words to heart and started turning the words over in his head once more. It took him a little while, but once he started looking at in through the lens Mr. Keaitng gave him it clicked embarrassingly quickly.
He rushed back to their dorm, feeling like an idiot and praying that Todd had come back already. When he finally got there Todd was there, sitting on his bed and staring at his feet with a worried expression. The boy briefly looked up at him before turning back to his feet, it was quiet after that for a few seconds as he closed the door and settled on his own bed.
“I went to talk to Mr. Keating,” He started, but cut himself off when Todd’s head whipped around with such speed he was sure it hurt. The other teen had a look of utter terror on his face and he felt bad, sure that he knew why. He went to Mr. Keating because he felt safe to tell him about Todd and he was sure that Todd did the same.
“What, um, what did you talk about?” Todd stuttered out, voice wavering and unsure.
“Well, about you, he made me realize I was being stupid, I just couldn’t believe it.” He replied vaguely, and Todd seemed to grow more anxious and before he could start again the boy spoke.
“Um, I, so you know? About me, I mean, that I’m-” Todd tried to stutter out.
“Yeah,” He started, but the second the word was out tears welled in Todd’s eyes and spilled over. He jumped to his feet and rushed to Todd’s side when the boy let out a quiet, broken sob. He bypassed all reason as he hopped onto Todd’s bed and pulled the boy into his arms like he’d done the day before.
This wasn’t the same comfort he offered when Todd was drunk, this was a sober, broken Todd that would remember everything. He gently guided the boy’s head to his shoulder, let the boy weep against him as he rubbed soothing circles into the boy’s back. He whispered soft words into the boy’s hair, trying to calm Todd’s quick breathing and shaking form.
After a few seconds their door creaked up so quietly that he knew Todd couldn’t hear it over the sound of his own sobs. He looked up slightly, not ceasing his comforting words of gently ministrations even when he saw Charlie peeking in with a confused and concerned expression. The boy silently asked him what was going on, staring at Todd’s cowering form in his arms, but he just shook his head ever so slightly before lowering it into Todd’s hair once more. Charlie understood what he meant, as he always did and closed the door silently, leaving them to their illusion of aloneness once more.
He was thankful that the room’s around them all contained the dead poets, he was fairly sure none of them would be hated filled at their identities. It took a while for Todd to finally regain his footing, but he didn’t grow inpatient. He would take all the time it needed for Todd to calm down, even if it was forever.
“S-sorry,” Todd said, voice rough from crying, but he shook off the none-needed apology.
“Don’t be silly, Todd, you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” He hoped the boy understood his words' double meaning. He felt Todd shake his head against his chest and pulled the boy back just enough so he could stare into those deep blue eyes that were currently rimmed red and puffy. “I mean it Todd, not a single thing you need to apologize for.”
“I’m an abomination,” Todd answered.
“Then so am I,” He answered and he could see the shock in Todd’s eyes and smiled.
“W-what?”
“If you are an abomination so am I,” He said with a bitter smile, “I love you Todd, as more than just a friend, I love you more than anything.” Todd shook his head as he spoke, unbelieving of his words.
“I mean it Todd, I love you so fucking much that I couldn’t believe it. Do you have any idea how jealous I was when you read that beautiful poem in front of the class. It’s all I’ve been able to think about all day. I was sure that you were in love with some girl that didn’t love you back and I wanted to find her and wring her neck for not loving you. You’re so incredible it’s hard to believe you’re real sometimes.”
Todd still looked shocked, staring up at him with wide eyes that were filled with so many wavering emotions that he couldn’t handle it. He let his hand loosen on the boy’s chin, bringing his thumb up to gently brush the boy’s lower lip that was opened slightly into an ‘o’. His eyes bounced between the boy’s eyes and his quivering pink lips, licking his own as he thought about what it’d be like to kiss them.
“Can I?” He asked, but could tell the boy understood because for a second Todd looked even more surprised before nodding and leaning forward.
His eyes fluttered shut as his lips finally brushed against Todd’s, it started off soft, barely a touch of their lips, but that quickly changed. He flicked his tongue out to taste Todd and to ask for permission to enter. Todd responded in kind, letting his mouth fall open slightly and he grinned for a second before pressing harder and licking inside the other teen’s mouth. Todd tasted like coffee and cinnamon and he couldn’t get enough of it.
He moaned when Todd started licking at him as well, their tongues gliding together as teeth clashed. He got so caught up in it he didn’t realize his hands had drifted into Todd’s hair, Todd’s own hands grabbing at his hips. When Todd lightly bit at his bottom lip he pulled Todd’s hair and immediately felt bad for gripping it so tightly. He was about to pull away and apologize when Todd moaned loudly and pressed forward towards him even more.
He pulled back and smirked at the boy who looked completely fucked out, lips bruised red and wet with spit, and eyes slightly glazed as well.
“Like that huh?” He asked, gently tugging the boy’s hair once more and grinned lustfully when Todd hips bucked forward at the action. The teen looked shocked at his own reaction, but quickly snapped out of it upon seeing his mug expression.
“Shut up,” Todd mumbled with faux annoyance and he grinned even harder which in turn caused Todd to smile shyly at him.
“I love you,” He said once more, leaning forward to peck at the boy’s lips.
“I love you too,” Todd said quietly, as if scared to admit it which he knew was fair. From what he could tell so far Todd had been raised religiously like himself, but must have internalized it much more.
“What do we do now?” Todd asks after a second and he knew what the boy meant, they couldn’t openly do anything, but that wasn’t going to stop him.
“Now, we do whatever the hell we want,” He replied, “I don’t care about what others think, I just want you and whatever comes with that.”
Todd smiles bashfully at him and he could see hope in the boy’s eyes, hope for the future and hope for the present.
And he himself smiled back, already thinking of what was to come, it wouldn’t be easy that much he knew, but as long as Todd was at his side he didn’t care.
He just wanted to finally taste the forbidden fruit of love.