Chapter Text
Tracking down Deadpool while out of costume was hard. Peter had spent more time in hole in the wall health code violating Mexican stalls this week than any sane person should in their life, and his stomach couldn’t take much more. He had considered texting his number using the excuse of a “random found business card” but it felt too impersonal. Not exactly romance quality. He hadn’t even seen Wade on patrol in the last few weeks, the merc hardly went longer than two nights without dropping in on Peter's patrols with a big bag of takeout and an even bigger story to tell.
He yawned, swiping his hand over his face he continued packing his clothes into his laundry basket. Being a Masters student with two jobs and a secret vigilante career meant there was little time for things like cooking and cleaning, but once a month laundry was really pushing it, there’s only so much sink washing can do before the smell inside the mask is far more difficult to fight than the villains. Plus, he was out of work clothes and down to his most embarrassing joke t-shirt – a little purple crop top with Baby written in pink sparkly letters – and rattiest sweatpants, which proved to him he seriously couldn’t go on putting this off.
It was 3am, but when you’re a hero with a super-secret identity the lamest way that identity could possibly be revealed ever would be someone catching him piling red and blue spandex into a washing machine. So Peter carefully hides the suits under his work clothes and underwear and heads down the road to the 24 hour laundromat. He was partially on guard to not be spotted as he goes, but it was 3am, and it’s a notoriously seedy laundromat so he wasn’t expecting company. With Britney Spear’s Toxic in his headphones and thoughts about meeting MJ for coffee after class tomorrow he bust into the building and stopped in his tracks.
So much for a respectable meet cute. And in this outfit? Peter could cry.
Wade spent a lot of time in laundromats, he liked the smell, he got stabbed a lot, he enjoyed people watching, he got shot a lot, he was bad for spilling chimichangas all over his nicest clothes and oh yeah, he bled on literally everything. He could afford to buy a nice apartment with its own washer dryer set but there was something so fun about going to a laundromat, plus he had no secret identity and almost always wore the mask so who cared that he was washing superhero suits in there. He had met his best friend just like that
{oh blind Al, wonder how she’s holding up without us}
[Wonder if she ever found that cocaine]
Wade made a mental note to pay her a visit later that month. She had probably either found the coke or written it all off as a joke and they were in for one hell of a night.
He’d had a successful mission out of town for a week – some above board superhero work for the X-Men and then a couple of reduced rate scaring off of stalkers. Weasel had been supplying him with good guy work that paid okay since he confessed his Spiderbabe was pushing him to the good side with his perfect butt and moral code. So he wasn’t flat broke. But he was trying to make that money last by not buying so many fancy apartments. A man can survive on three low budget safehouses in the city right?
[Maybe if you kept them a little cleaner we could]
Anyway, since all of his suits were spread across the three and he had gotten a little roughed up one of his first ports of call was to wash up his suits so he didn’t smell rancid when he went looking for the webbed wonder.
{If the houses were clean maybe Spidey would come over!!! Ooohh I wonder where spidey lives, I wonder if he’s proud of us for not killing anyone for like 6 months now}
[Calm down idiot he doesn’t even know and probably wouldn’t believe us]
“Not true guys! Spidey totes believes everything we say and isn’t afraid to be seen with us in public! So eat it.” He said, slamming the door of the washer and jamming in a few quarters. The voices hadn’t been particularly malicious in a few weeks since the incident. But Wade was tired of their bickering nonetheless. He booted up Candy Crush loudly on his phone and sat down in the horrifically uncomfortable tiny plastic chair while he waited, the laundromat fluorescents humming in the background, lulling him into a Candy Crush killing streak.
{Could say you’re candy crushing it}
Wade waves his hand in conceit to the admittedly good joke, still fixated on the screen until the bell above the door chimed and brought him back to the present. Who else is out here doing laundry at 3am?
{Only the most beautiful angel I have ever SEEN!!!}
[For once yellow, I completely agree, that man is angelic]
Looking over, he could see a pair of disgusting run down converse, up a pair of thin sweatpants and a basket of laundry to a bare midriff – oh holy hell what a pretty midriff – topped off with a crop top. The best part had to be the floppy brown hair and the big, beautiful doe eyes underneath, flicking over to – Oh No! – MAKING EYE CONTACT.
{What a cute twink! I think I’m in love}
[And a sense of humour judging by the top]
Yeah yeah beautiful twink, isn’t gonna look twice at a crazy man in a mask and a limited edition custom spiderman hoodie.
[don’t think it counts as either of those things if it’s homemade]
“Au contraire, it makes it doubly so, everyone is jealous of my spidey jumper,” he muttered quietly, flicking back to his game and turning down the volume – gotta be respectable when there’s hot men sharing the laundromat.
Ok Wade had definitely just looked him up and down just now, maybe surprised to be sharing the laundromat with a crazy guy in a girls top or – dare he dream – he had found him hot. But there was no way Deadpool was going to approach him, not with those self esteem issues, and the scars, Wade’s hands were uncovered, and the scars looked red and raw. His eyes flickered over to where the two machines were going, one of them full of suits and pink water – yeesh – So Wade must have been out of town on a mission then.
Well, time to nut up or shut up if he wants to put his 12 step plan to making Wade Wilson fall in love with Peter Parker into action.
“Wha-t’s” Peter internally cringed at the voice break what was he some teenager, “What’s a superhero doing out in a place like this?” He tried his best at a flirty voice but probably just seemed uncomfortable.
Deadpool stared at his feet for a few more seconds, probably debating whether or not to answer the weird little twink hitting on him in a gosh darn laundromat of all places. He lifted the whites of his mask up until Peter was sure he was looking him straight in the eye, “depends who’s asking darling,” Peter shivered, Wade’s voice was a heavenly purr when he flirts with civilians, who knew. “Official Avengers business, the Captain likes his undies starched and pressed and yours truly is the laundry boy to Mr America himself! And don’t get me started on the Iron Menace.”
Peter let out a full laugh, “Sounds like you’re super important hero, you definitely look super strong with all of those..” He flicks his eyes up and down and licks his lips “..muscles. But why have the avengers got their hottest member on underwear duty, and can I maybe join him?” Peter quickly loaded his machine and came back to stand over Deadpool
Wade gestured to the empty seat beside him, during which Peter spotted the Spiderman hoodie – he knew he didn’t have any merch so that was definitely homemade, the simp - “Anything for a hot piece of ass who compliments me at 3am in the laundromat and thinks I’m hotter than Thor for god’s sake, are you even real? I think someone should pinch me I’m definitely hallucinating right now. Names Wade baby boy, but you can call me man of your dreams if you’d prefer.”
“Peter Parker, man of my dreams,” he jokes, flopping down into the seat and pressing his leg to Wade’s as he giggled. “Where’d you get the jumper?”
“Well you’re the most beautiful Peter I’ve ever met,” Peter felt a stab of jealousy then a hot flush of shame for being jealous at himself, and then another flush at the compliment – probably beet red at this point he looks over at Wade – “though I can’t be the man of your dreams baby, I’m not exactly the handsomest man out there, or the sanest. And perfectly legally thank you I made it myself, unless Spiderman hates his #1 fan then I think I’m safe anyway, see we’re actually best friends, maybe more.” He could almost see the eyebrows wiggling under the suit.
A machine beep startled the both of them, not realising how close their faces had gotten, leaning into each other with all the banter. Wade’s wash and dry had finished and he hesitated a moment before shifting away as if to leave. Peter panicked; he couldn’t let him leave now! Not after all this amazing flirting and Wade seemed actually into nerdy Peter Parker without suspecting him of being Spiderman. Wade was already pulling clothes out and stuffing them into a large canvas bag – sustainable king that is so weirdly hot – Peter had to move now or he was going to lose him. Say something Parker!
“So can I get your number? Take you on a date, or are you gonna be tied up with this superhero underwear washing duty for the next few weeks?” He hoped his nervousness wasn’t obvious, in case Wade took it for pity.
“Do you. Actually wanna go on a date? With me? Full disclosure baby boy, I’m Deadpool, I don’t work for the avengers and the mug under this mask is something else. Google me and then get back to me on that one sweetheart, you’re too young and too pretty to be dating someone like me, what are you? Twenty one? Twenty two?” Shoot Wade was packing faster and more aggressively.
“I’m twenty five, and you can’t be much older than thirty! I know who you are Deadpool – you’re uh spiderman’s friend right? Can’t exactly be too bad for me, and I can see the skin condition on your hands, you don’t get to tell me who I can’t ask out old man.” He will not pout. God Wade could be such a stubborn asshole sometimes.
Wade takes off the mask – he’s still as beautiful as ever from the nose down and wow his eyes are such a beautiful blue – he starts scribbling something on a napkin with a pen both pulled from seemingly nowhere. “Here, stupid pretty boys without common sense are my weakness, especially when they don’t go screaming because of the face, you’ve earned it kiddo, text me next time you’re free and we can go on one. One. Date.” Wade was smiling, but it was nervous, how could he still be preparing for rejection when Peter was the one hounding him for a date? Those issues must run deep. Peter felt so terrible for him.
“Wow you’re so pretty Wade, I’m so glad you said yes to letting me take you out. I’ll show you such a good time that you can’t resist a second date!” He yelled as Wade turned to approach the door.
“We’ll see about that baby boy! Wear another crop top and you can almost guarantee it!” With that, and the chime of the doorbell, Wade was gone, leaving a blushing and triumphant Peter clutching a dirty napkin with a number he already knew because of course Wade doesn’t have a second superhero phone like every smart person would and a huge ridiculous grin.
Step one was a complete success.