Chapter Text
“Your phone’s ringing,” Tessa says.
She doesn’t mean to glance at the screen, doesn’t plan to pry, she isn’t the type of girlfriend… fiancée…! — who checks people’s phones… well. The old Tessa might have been done that, but really only for blackmail material or, in Noah’s case, some clue how to more readily access his trust fund… Tessa winces a little thinking of how she used to behave, the performances that she used to have to put on. In bed, out of it. Now, she doesn’t have to lie anymore. Doesn’t have to pretend. About all kinds of things. She’s a reformed character these days, and she’s out, totally out, millions of Instagram followers know she’s gay kind of out. There are forums online where she’s seen people arguing about her “true” sexuality. “She was married to Tanner Watts, she dated Mariah’s brother, she’s bi,” someone tried to insist the other day, and Tessa was tempted to log on, explain about compulsory heterosexuality, explain about simply planning to scam a man out of part of his inheritance… but ultimately she’d just decided to go to bed and boss Mariah around instead, much more satisfactory. All of who she is now, she thinks — being so open, not even bothering to hide her sexuality the slightest bit anymore, and even being a better person — is thanks to Mariah.
Sure, Mariah was capable of making mistakes. But Tessa has made plenty of those herself. Not the same kind — she herself has been faithful, with the last time she cheated being on Noah, with Mariah, but really, Tessa didn’t consider she’d really been with Noah at the time, so that one was kind of debatable — but still, she’s gotten things wrong before now. Lying to Mariah about why she couldn’t be with her, blackmailing Sharon… But they had gotten past all of that. And because of that, and because of the way she felt about her — which was also the reason why the cheating had hurt so bad — Tessa had gotten over Mariah’s fleeting disloyalty too. A one night stand. A mistake. Not to be repeated, Mariah swore to her.
In some ways, it had hurt so much more that Mariah had confided in Lindsay, had trusted her with what was going on in her life. That cut Tessa deeper than the fact Mariah had had sex with her. Tessa could look past simple fucking that didn’t mean anything, which she’s sure accurately describes that hookup between Mariah and Lindsay in the old apartment. She’s never asked, has tried not to give the details of what actually went on too much thought, really, but in her mind she has categorized it as likely quick and unspectacular.
Tessa knows Lindsay’s type. She's hung around enough gay bars in her younger years to see them in action. The sympathetic bartender, always ready at the end of a night to take a girl home. They hit on every woman at the bar every chance they get, and eventually one of them will be single or having girlfriend trouble. Then you can make your move, add another conquest to the total.
It’s so tacky, so trite, and that had irritated her too. Did Mariah’s acting out have to be so clichéd? Accusing her of sleeping with Tanner, too, like she didn’t know she had a lesbian for a girlfriend… Tessa supposed the detail of Tanner being her ex-husband might have muddied some Sapphic waters in Mariah’s mind, but Tanner had only really been a good friend in terms of any emotional attachment, and sex was something Tessa used to do with men without thinking, or when she needed to, to get by. Not for the fun of it. Not ever for that; it wasn't fun at all. But Mariah had gone off the deep end and her maths had added two and two to make three hundred and whatever and she’d had sex with Lindsay in their home.
That kind of detail bothered Tessa more than the simple sex. In our own damn home. It suggested a thoughtlessness, a disregard for her, that was at odds with what she thought she knew of Mariah. The callousness had surprised her. She'd seen Mariah mad before, but that was all fiery heat and passion, getting mad because she cared, and Tessa could live with that. Screwing Lindsay in their own bed, or on their own sofa — they were one and the same, of course — just felt so very cold. But what had been worse, Tessa decided, was that Mariah and Lindsay had had conversations. Physical intimacy could sometimes mean nothing, but the emotional intimacy of sharing troubles and fears…? That was something very different. Tessa couldn't stand the thought of being held at a distance from Mariah, not being told what’s bothering the love of her life. Of Mariah confiding those troubles in someone else.
This past year, as happy as she has been in her relationship since they got over that Lindsay-shaped and -sized bump in the road, Tessa’s found herself oddly insecure at times; wondering if Mariah had said yes to being Abby’s surrogate to keep she, Tessa herself, at a distance again. If she had agreed to carry Dominic, to moving into the Chancellor Mansion, so that their own lives, their shared life together, in fact, would deliberately be put on hold. Tessa tells herself that’s irrational, she’s overthinking, that Mariah was simply being generous of spirit, trying to make up to the universe a little for wrongs she feels she’s done it in the past, which is the way Mariah had explained her decision.
“I can do a good thing”, Mariah had said, “for someone else. Without getting anything back. Sometimes I feel I owe the universe… I don’t know. Some good karma? A better version of me. All the things I did… before I met you. What we did to Noah…”
“Oh… I really don’t think Noah was that into me,” Tessa had told her. And she'd meant it, at the time.
That had been months ago now. When Noah was still on the other side of the ocean. Tessa really doesn’t know what has gotten into her ex-boyfriend since she saw him last, but he seems to have repainted their brief romance — fake on her side, and, she thought, fairly half-hearted most of the time on his — as some grand love affair.
She thinks of the heart he had drawn. Knocking on their door with that look on his face on Valentine’s Day… really, dude?!
She and Mariah had been talking about this, just that morning.
“Well. You are gorgeous,” Mariah said. “It’s kind of understandable that he would be totally obsessed with you… I get it.” Mariah had smiled and kissed her.
“Please, Mariah. Don’t even joke. Sometimes I think he’ll…” Tessa had stopped.
“He’ll what?” Mariah raised her eyebrows.
“Hit on me,” Tessa had said, although that wasn’t quite what she meant. What had Noah said, something about it not being a good idea for her to take him home…? It had sounded weird, a little creepy. Maybe, more than that. Like he didn’t trust himself. He knew Tessa wasn’t interested, could never be, so what had he meant?
Tessa comes up with some very bad answers when she tries to guess what Noah had been alluding to. She thinks of how, these days, he sometimes tries those puppy dog eyes on her, displays an expression she rarely saw from him even when they actually dated; but then again, he really seems to have gone backwards in life since then. Back from London to GC, living with Sharon, hanging around his sisters and his sister’s fiancée…? The fact of their history, that she used to be with Noah, doesn’t make his lingering behavior any less weird. It makes it much stranger.
And then Tessa thinks of Noah barking at her, annoyed about her naturally sharing their conversations with Mariah, and she gets the same sense again: of something more sinister.
No… Noah wouldn’t do anything like that. He wouldn’t… assault me or anything.
Would he?
She tells herself no.
But she wonders.
Would he listen to my no...?
Too dark, Tessa tells herself. There’s something wrong there, with Noah. But it probably isn’t for her to fix. Even if she is part of the family, to be made official very soon… It is better that Mariah or Sharon or Nick take that on.
“Hit on you? Surely Noah wouldn’t embarrass himself making a pass,” Mariah had said. “Like you’d be interested.” She smiled, almost laughed.
Mariah’s reaction made Tessa think she was probably worrying too much about Noah. Surely, if he was some kind of a threat, Mariah would see it? Protect her?
But it also made Tessa think of something else.
“Where was this knowing I wouldn’t touch a man energy when Tanner invited me on tour?” Tessa had thought aloud, and watched Mariah’s face fall at her words.
“Tessa… what can I say. You know I’m sorry. I was being really dumb.”
Tessa shook her head, partly at herself “No, Mariah. I’m the one who’s sorry. I… I didn’t mean to bring that up again.” She didn’t. She never really wants to discuss men at all with Mariah, but it seems they’re a part of life they just have to deal with, even when you make your life with a woman. Maybe I should look into that lesbian commune idea again. “I just still can’t believe you ever thought I would cheat with a guy.”
Mariah spread her hands to acknowledge the point. “I should have known better. Tessa Porter, lesbian musician extraordinaire. It’s the women I have to watch out for. Those screaming fans at your concerts who try to find out which hotel you’re staying at, who can’t get enough of you…”
Her tone was gentle, flirtatious teasing, Mariah trying to turn the tide, flip Tessa’s mood, and it shouldn’t have escalated into anything other than the two of them taking things to the bedroom they finally now have, even though it was the middle of the day, this has never stopped them before… but without thinking, Tessa had murmured:
“If only I’d known it was the women I needed to watch out for…”
A Lindsay reference Tessa hadn’t meant to make. She really was saying all the things today. She lifted her hands in apology. “Forget I said that. We were talking about Noah.”
“For some reason. Seems like we talk about my brother an awful lot.” Mariah frowned.
It was true. And it's really less conducive to possible daytime sexscapades to do all this talking about Mariah’s brother and Tessa’s ex, one and the same guy, of course…
Still, Tessa felt that, how to put it? — as though today’s script for her life had another line in it where she needed to show some concern for the man again.
So weird.
“He seems to be struggling with something,” Tessa heard herself say. “Maybe you should talk to him?”
“Hmm, maybe,” Mariah had agreed, looking thoughtful.
Tessa’s first thought, then, when the phone rings is that it’s Noah. As well as popping up in conversations with Mariah, somehow he has a habit of appearing at random moments in their lives...
But when she glances down at Mariah’s phone screen as it sits on the table, really without thinking, she sees something that makes her gasp aloud.
The phone is flashing with the name Lindsay.
“What the fuck?” Tessa lets out.
Mariah glances down and sees what’s caused this reaction. “Oh.”
“Lindsay?! Why is she calling you, Mariah?? Why do you have her number in your phone?!”
“Listen. Tessa… I… I can explain…”
Mariah's tone, the look on her face... Tessa's reminded of that night at the old place, Mariah saying: "I didn't sleep with her either..."
TO BE CONTINUED