Chapter Text
It was the same old normal day for Sunghoon: waking up early to prepare for his morning training, having a salad and a protein shake for breakfast his mother prepared for him, and walking towards the training center where he trains with his co-figure skaters.
And as always his coach scolded him again, 'what's wrong with you?' , 'it's been weeks sunghoon, are you not going to take this seriously?' , 'the competition is next week already and you haven't perfected your program yet!' , 'park sunghoon!' , 'again! again! again!' – words that went from his right ear to his left, no ounce of energy left to comprehend what his coach just said.
Sunghoon wasn't supposed to feel this– the urge to quit figure skating. At first, he thought that maybe he's just in a skating slump just like how his seniors took a break from figure skating and came back all and well.
But it's different for him.
It’s not like he’s not trying hard during their training, it’s not like he didn’t feel disappointed when he received bronze during his last competition, and it’s not like this is not scaring and hurting him.
It is. He can barely sleep at night, head throbbing from crying so much and his throat hurts so bad from screaming on his pillow. He can’t even look at his face in the mirror without loathing himself– thus his hair getting long enough to block his sight.
He didn’t even know when it started– losing interest in ice skating. He just woke up one day, and the feeling of excitement was gone. Before, he would be up before his alarm rang to get extra time in doing his morning routine– stretching, preparing his breakfast and his stuff for training, but these past couple of weeks he completely ignored his alarm and his mom had to force himself to wake up.
It was so bad that he can’t keep up with their training– his triple axel was off, he almost injured his ankle– and sometimes Sunghoon would think about hurting himself on purpose just to have a valid reason to quit, but whenever he saw his mom recording him and his little sister fascinated look on the bleachers, the guilt slowly creeping up on him, shoving in his face how selfish he is, and he will forced the thought at the back of his mind.
The competition came in a blur, he wasn’t expecting anything– not even a bronze medal considering how off his rhythm and his turns were, but here he is standing on a platform receiving a bronze medal.
He felt confused for a second, there’s a lot of figure skaters who deserved the medal more than him, and again the guilt slowly hugged his inside, choking him.
And here they are now, back at the training center. Their coach said a few things to the team, but Sunghoon’s too tired to let every word sink in. He just looked up when someone tapped his shoulder, and saw his team looking at him with a disappointed gaze and his coach’s fingers pinching the bridge of his nose– looks like they noticed he wasn't really listening.
“You know what, just go home. Take a rest and we’ll talk more tomorrow.”
They all responded with a yes and one by one left the locker room.
Sunghoon picked up his bag, slung it over his shoulder and went out towards the parking lot wherein his mom and sister were waiting for him.
When he settled on his seat, his mom just gave him a small smile and started to drive. He looked at the back seat and saw his little sister peacefully sleeping, glasses crooked on her nose– he couldn't help but smile at it.
The ride home was too quiet for Sunghoon’s liking, so he asked his mom if he could roll down the window for some air, which his mom softly agreed to despite the freezing air.
He propped his elbows on the window and leaned his head slightly on it– smelling the winter air, it looks like it’ll snow later.
The car stopped at the red light, and he looked around the surroundings– they’re almost near their house and this is the first time he acknowledged the small stores around– he doesn’t really look around the neighborhood whenever he walks to the training center and never had the time to stroll around due to training.
He heard an erupts of laughter and he turned his head in that direction– his eyes landed on a small flower shop, “isn’t the weather too cold for the flowers?” Sunghoon thought as he raked his eyes around the flower shop.
Despite the sun almost setting considering it’s almost 6PM and the snow piled up on the road and the cold winter air, the flower shop seems so warm; the various bright flowers that were placed outside the shop, the bright lights outside, the laughters and smiles etched on the people inside, and cups on their hands– little smoke coming out at the top of it– they look so alive and warm and happy– contrast to what he’s feeling right now.
He looked at the little sign board at the top of the door “Sol’s” he whispered, reading it.
“It means Sun,” his mother said, looking at the flower shop as well.
He nodded, still staring at the shop and his eyes landed on the people inside when the laughter died down, and that’s when he noticed they’re staring and smiling and waving at him. So he quickly diverted his eyes in front and slowly closed the window– thankfully the traffic light turned green.
When they arrived home, Sunghoon’s mom let them rest first before having dinner. He quickly finds himself walking towards his room before helping his little sister settle in her room.
He dropped his bag on the floor and slumped his body on his bed, he looked at the medal on his hand and he can’t help but let some tears fall from his eyes– he didn’t deserve this, everything; the medal, the spot for the national team– he thought of his peers who he skated with before, how much they wanted to be on the national team but didn’t make the cut– they were the one who's been training hard, who’s happy to be ice skating, who won’t let any opportunity slips– they’re the ones who deserve this everything he has, maybe even better.
A knock from his door wake him up from wallowing in self pity “Sunghoon-ah dinner’s ready. Come down after you change clothes,” his mother said.
He went to the comfort room and changed his clothes before splashing some cold water on his face. He quickly avoided his eyes when he looked up from the sink towards the mirror, roughly dampening his face with a bath towel– he doesn’t remember when’s the last time he looked at the mirror– too scared to see himself.
Their dinner went on smoothly with small conversations not until his father asked how the competition went.
His mother probably noticed how he flinched when his father brought the topic so he saw the warning glare of his mom directed to his dad and he couldn't help but let out a small smile.
“It’s okay, I guess. I got bronze, even though I literally bombed off my performance,” he says, his voice coming into a soft whisper on the last part.
“Bronze is okay! At least you were able to grab a medal!” His father says, tone a bit high clearly trying to lighten the tense atmosphere.
“Yeobo,” his mom softly says towards his father, voice laced with warning, which she only received a shrug from.
“It’s okay mom, dad’s just asking.”
“Sunghoon-ah, can mom ask you something?” Sunghoon's stilled on his seat when he heard his mom. He knew this conversation will come sooner or later, but he’s never had the chance to get ready with it, but running away from it seems not an option either. So he just nodded to get it over with.
“Do you want to quit ice skating?” His mother asks, her hands placed on top of Sunghoon’s, and her smile towards him makes his heart clench a bit.
Out of all the questions Sunghoon thought his mom would ask like; “why are you slacking off?” , “aren’t you happy with ice skating?” – this one was something he didn’t expect.
So it took him much longer to answer her question, “I– I don’t really know.”
His mom dismissed the topic quickly seeing how Sunghoon’s posture is getting tense already. “Alright, I'm not going to force you to answer anymore, but you should think about it. Since your competition is already over and the next one won’t start anytime soon, go take a time off. I’ll call your coach and explain that you'll be taking a break.”
Sunghoon answered yes and they finished their dinner with small conversations, being careful not to bring up any topics related to ice skating.
Sunghoon quickly took a shower and found himself on his bed thinking about the question his mom asked him over dinner.
It’s not like the thought of quitting doesn’t came to him, he even had a thought of getting himself injured to the point of having him removed from the team– and being out of the team means not waking up early in the morning and going home late at night, not having his diet constricted, the pressure of countless eyes on him, and the burden of carrying the country on your back seems enticing, but being out of the team also means not going to the training center and putting on his skates to train the whole day, it means lazing out all day at home, and at some point his mom might ask him to enroll again and finish college, and maybe the thought of entering a university and studying instead of training seems new and fun to try, but at the same time the thought of not being able to step foot on the skating rink scares him.
And yes, being out of the team doesn’t mean he can’t skate anymore– but he’s so sure it’ll take him longer to step foot on the ice again once he quit– and the thought of it sent a chill down his spine.
And maybe, he’s not really ready to let go of it, considering he spent all his life skating– instead of getting his knees hurt from biking, he got his knees hurt from trying ice skating for the first time, instead of having sleepovers with his peers, he found himself at the skating rink till midnight, and instead of celebrating his 21st birthday with booze and deafening music, he found himself competing internationally with the song ‘You Are the Reason’ playing in the background.
So it wasn’t really easy for Sunghoon to say he wants to quit.
His mind wandered for a bit on that thought until he found himself thinking about the flower shop he saw earlier and how embarrassing it is that he suddenly looked away and closed the windows when he noticed some guys smiling and waving at him when they saw him staring at the shop– he should’ve smiled and waved back at them like a normal person should– not panicked. They probably thought he’s weird for doing that.
But what he failed to notice is a certain pink haired man letting out a soft giggle at his reaction and a lingering gaze on their car as they left.