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The sun had set and the moon had started to show itself. It hadn't gone completely dark, but dark enough to where the car that sat in the dirt near the dead end bridge had to be turned on. Something about sitting in your own vehicle, passenger side and thinking about all the things you could have done to help the clan was starting to become more and more common to Vaughn. His depression started acting up again, his anxiety at an all time high, and even the meds Vik had given him two weeks prior were starting to wear off, and all he could do was sigh and look out the window, not paying attention to anything but his thoughts.
If only.. if only I was able to do more. If only my anxiety wasn't so controlling over me, I'd be able to help Mitch or Saul when they fucking asked.
"V..?"
Vaughn jumped in his seat, immediately looking over to the drivers side, seeing the love of his life beside him, a look of worry on his face. This was what Vaughn was worried about the most.. letting Goro see him in a state of misery, and since it had been happening more often, he feared Goro would feel helpless, wouldn't be the first time.
"Fuck.. sorry, just..-"
"I know." Goro cut him off suddenly. He sighed deeply before placing both hands on the steering wheel and gripping tightly. "Please talk to me.. We are going to be here for some time. The silence.. V, I can't handle it."
God damn it.. was all Vaughn could say to himself. The silence spoke so loud that Goro was immediately able to tell something was off, it was awkward. They had barely even spoke the whole day, Vaughn had been tip toeing around everyone at camp, barely looking at anyone, including Goro. Goro being the guy he is, stayed away and respected Vaughn's boundaries as he knew when his anxiety was this bad, he needed space. Now there was no space, literally. They were confined in a small car, the radio played electropunk but was turned down so low you couldn't make out the words, and yet.. it was still so silent.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything.. just, please stop ignoring me, V."
"I'm not, I'm-" Vaughn stopped himself, he needed to think very carefully before speaking. He knew Goro wasn't mad, but quite the opposite, he was just concerned. He wanted Vaughn to tell him everything that was going on in his mind, but his mind was such a scary place at times, this being one of those said times.
He heard Goro take a deep breath before looking back over at him. He was staring out the window with his hand under his chin. Vaughn knew he needed to say something, the tension.. it was awful.
"I'm not used to him being gone yet, okay? He was constantly bitching at me, talking to me about random shit, he'd appear in front of my very eyes just to scare me, and he's gone. The emptiness.. the guilt I feel-"
"Guilt?" Goro snapped his head over to Vaughn, his eyes narrowed. "You have nothing to feel guilty over V. You had plans to get rid of him for so long, now all of a sudden you feel guilty? He almost killed you."
"Fuck." Vaughn threw his head back on the passenger seat and clenched his eyes shut. He knew this would happen. He knew Goro wouldn't completely understand how he felt. But still, he tried to remain calm or else he would explode. They had never gotten into a fight before, he didn't want this to be the first time, not while Vaughn was so vulnerable and emotional.
"It wasn't even all his fault. I stole the relic, remember? I got myself into this mess.. and when you have someone in your head like that, talking to you and nagging you over everything.. well, you start to get used to it."
"I get it, V."
"No you DON'T." Vaughn couldn't hold it in any longer. His fists slammed against the dashboard, prompting Goro to be very still, eyes wide and staring directly at him. He'd never yelled at Goro before. They stared at each other for a moment, both seemingly in shock.
Shit, shit shit!' You're a fuckin' dumbass. Nothing was more agonizing than wrestling with your own voice in your head reminding you of all the bad shit you've done.
"I'm sorry, fuck I'm sorry."
"Say what is on your mind, V. Do not be sorry. You are right.. I.. don't understand it, but I want to." Goro spoke so calmly, so gently. His hand found Vaughn's thigh, leaving it there and rubbing his thumb back and forth, the material of Vaughn's pants getting warmer on his skin.
"You'd leave me."
"Try me."
Vaughn knew deep down Goro wouldn't leave, but his doubts had been the at the forefront of his mind for such a long while, it felt unreal that Goro was even in his presence sometimes. No one could stand being around Vaughn for any length of time. Being in the Bakker's as a teen, into his early twenties proved that much. Everyone looked at him differently, everyone judged him, no one supported his transition, and no one wanted to talk to him about what ate him up inside. But Goro sat there patiently waiting for Vaughn to talk, even if it took hours, weeks.. months.. years. He didn't want to let him down.
"You ever regret leaving Japan?"
"I'm sorry..?"
"Answer me."
Now it was Goro's turn to stay silent for a moment. Vaughn didn't like the sudden quietness, like Goro stopped breathing. Maybe this was a bad idea.
"I don't regret a thing."
That did it.. because Vaughn knew he was telling the truth. His heart started pounding, he wanted to cry. He needed confirmation Goro was happy where he was, even when Vaughn yelled at him in the middle of the desert, in their tiny little car, watching for wraiths all alone.. he knew Goro would never leave, never leave him.
"I knew coming here would be different, maybe difficult at first. But I had you to guide me. What more could I possibly want than to have you by my side? Without you, there would be nothing left for me, V."
He couldn't keep it in anymore, the tears came out even when he forced himself to hold it together. Vaughn was definitely a crier, but he always managed to get his shit together and not let those kinds of emotions show. But he knew better than to hide it with Goro. As much as they had been through, in the three years they had been together, well shit.. Vaughn knew better.
"Everything you knew.. you dropped it all for me."
"I would do it all again, V."
"Even knowing how fucked up I am?"
"You are not fucked up. You are V. You are who you are and that's why I love you so much. You have flaws, you are immature, and stubborn."
"I'm-"
"All the things in which made me fall in love with you. You are human, V. But most importantly you are the strongest person I have ever met."
"Surely you joke."
"No.. I mean it."
That was the root of Vaughn's heightened anxiety. He once felt strong enough to take on the world, and when Goro came along, the strength grew between the both of them. But he still had Johnny on the brain. He still had to find a way to live with him, he was barely surviving. Even when Vik managed to save him, the nose bleeds started again, the malfunctions.. Emotionally he was drained. Letting go of Johnny hurt him deeply, and he felt so weak when he finally reached Mikoshi and was given the choice to let Johnny take over, or leave him to parish in Cyberspace. He promised Goro he'd come back to him. He promised Johnny he'd fight to keep him from dying a second time. It was the first time in all his years of living that Vaughn crashed, and crashed hard. In the end someone was going to lose, but Johnny wouldn't let him give himself away for him. He wanted Vaughn to live, and even though Vaughn thought for just a moment that he was willing to give up his body for Johnny, Johnny refused.. Vaughn had something to live for, sitting in the car next to him, clutching his hand while he cried, letting the feelings flow through him, eventually taking off his seatbelt he forgot he had on to reach over and pull Vaughn into his arms and not letting go, because Vaughn felt so guilty for letting Johnny die, and for almost leaving Goro all alone. For remembering the look on Goro's face when he came back to camp after being gone for two days, and him wondering if it was really him, or if it was Johnny. The hug all but confirmed it was Vaughn, no one could ever forget Vaughn's hugs. It was a rare moment when Goro cried, but it was a good cry.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." He continued crying in Goro's arms, ugly sobbing, finally freeing himself from the burdens of his own mind.
"It's okay, let it go, V."
~ ~ ~
Night had officially fallen, and the moon was glaring down on the dirt road. Their lookout shift was about done, Vaughn had gone through three cigarettes in the last half an hour and was just finishing his fourth. Something about releasing your trauma and having a good smoke afterwards was pleasant. He leaned on the hood of the car, watching the moon intently. He loved it as much as he loved watching the sun set.
In a way, he felt a huge wave of relief washing over him, he felt lighter. He knew the pain would never fully go away, he knew even though Johnny wasn't in his head nagging him anymore, that he was still very much in Vaughn's thoughts, and that made it easier to cope. He knew Goro would be there to help him through everything and anything, to hold him and love him when things got to be a little too much, when life was shit. His whole life he felt unloved, he was alone. But he wasn't alone anymore, and while it took him a long time to realize it, and sometimes he needed to be reminded, he was grateful that Goro didn't give up on him, even Johnny didn't give up on him, even at the very end.
His thoughts were interrupted again when he felt the hood of the car dent, and a hand caressing his cheek. Goro gently guided Vaughn's face to look at him.
"Are you okay?" His voice was so soft, and full of need.
"Yeah.." his own hand finding Goro's face, gently stroking his cheek. He could see his black nail polish reflecting off the moonlight as his thumb moved back and forth. "Thanks for bein' there for me.. No one really gets me like you."
"Oh?" Goro smiled. "Thought I didn't get you? You made it very clear in the c-"
Not another word was needed as Vaughn's lips found Goro's quickly, and eagerly. He'd been dying to kiss him, to shut him up, to just forget everything around him and feel Goro on him. he had truly won the jackpot. He'd given up everything; Arasaka, Japan, real sushi. All to be with Vaughn, he couldn't think of anything more romantic than that. He felt Goro's warm hand slither up behind his neck to pull him closer, deepening their kiss and holding onto him for dear life.
Minutes passed before they eased up and let go of each other, their heavy breathing indicating they needed a moment to collect themselves. Their shift was over, everyone was expecting them back so the next crew could come out. They were tired, and incredibly needy of each other, and wanted to get back to camp immediately.
"Come on.. let's.. let's go." Vaughn stumbled over to the driver's seat and waited for Goro to get in."
"Everything alright, V?" Vaughn heard Goro ask, in a voice he knew very well. Vaughn was definitely alright.
"Mmmmmhm."
"Good.. Let's get out of here."
"Wait.." Vaughn held out a hand like he was bracing Goro. "I just.. thank you.. I actually feel better. I needed this, all of it. You are important to me, and I love you. So just, thank you.."
"I love you too, V. More than you will ever know.. Now get us home, I am not done with you." The wink Goro gave to Vaughn spoke a thousand words. What a way to end the night, two souls who came together under dyer circumstances, driving away under the moonlight, the dirt roads leaving a trail of dust behind them, to go home and continue loving each other until the end of time. It could not get any better than that, even with Vaughn's anxiety, there's always a brighter light when it came to Goro, you can count on that.