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They were together, all of them, together. It wasn’t like how they were together two years ago, when Sunny was dragged out of his house by Kel, no. It was warm, it was genuine, it was important. Sunny felt important. For the first time in, well, who knows long. It was a long, aching process- picking up the pieces that made him himself again, helping his friends heal, helping himself heal. But it was worth it. So worth it.
Maybe things could go back to how they were, afterall.
They were all at Kel and Hero’s house. Kel was watching some kids’ TV show with Sally, who was four years old at the time, and Hero was cooking dinner. Aubrey was doing some late assignments she couldn’t complete in time in Kel’s room, and Basil and Sunny had been reading together. Just like the old days.
Sunny remembered he liked reading books with Basil. He really liked it. To be fair, he still does. It rests his mind a little. He hoped Basil liked it, too.
Ah, what is he thinking? Of course Basil likes it. Basil loves books.
Anyway, Sunny began to think about Basil, both the good and the bad. He remembered how tense and anxious he had been when they had first reunited, how oblivious Kel was of Basil’s anxiety- how Basil stuttered and slurred his words as the group of three half-heartedly walked home. Sunny felt bad he caused Basil to feel that way, how he added onto the multitude of stresses in that poor boy’s life. Maybe he could’ve done better.
Ah, he shouldn’t think like that. It’s okay now. Basil was making progress. He still wasn’t perfect, but he was a lot better than he used to be. Sunny was so happy for him; it took immense amounts of effort to heal after everything that the poor boy had been through, even if the wounds hadn’t fully closed yet. In Basil’s own words, “it’s okay to not be okay.” How sweet.
Sunny wishes he had the same optimism Basil had. He had always been looking at the positives, finding the silver lining, seeing the glass as half full. He always faced the happiness, the brightness, the warmth. Like a sunflower, almost. How admirable.
Ah, whoops. He hadn’t realized he had been completely zoning out for the past five minutes, daydreaming of the past, the present, and all of the events in-between. His eyes shot open with the realization as he immediately returned to reading the book. Basil had already flipped through a couple of pages, but Sunny didn’t mind. He could just fill in the events he missed with his imagination.
“Sunny,” Basil began, in a small voice, “what do you think so far?”
In response, Sunny nodded contently. It was his way of saying, ‘it’s good, I’m enjoying it’. Basil seemed to pick up on Sunny’s form of communication and smiled ever so slightly, pulling his knees up to his chest to continue reading. Sunny peered over the other boy’s shoulder as his eyes scanned the words. He was enjoying this book.
A few paragraphs in, though, right when was beginning to focus, there was a sound of plates clanking against a wooden table. He begrudgingly took his eyes off of the pages and stared straight ahead, Basil echoing his actions.
Ah. Hero had been setting up the table.
Basil tenderly closed the book as he made sure to mark the page he was on. With a content expression, he then gently took the book in his arms and gradually stood up. Sunny copied his actions, placing one hand on his knee and the planting the other firmly on the floor in order to have enough strength to pull himself upright. He felt a little dizzy afterward, maybe he stood up too fast.
Right on queue, Hero shouted, “Dinner’s ready!”. There was a sound of a remote clicking and footsteps dashing through the hallway, and maybe a whine of a little toddler, too. Once the group was all in the dining room, they all pulled out their seats, sitting down and gazing at the wondrous sight before them. Rare steak, with a light salad and mashed potatoes on ceramic white plates. A simple dish it was, yet it had been made exquisitely. Hero had always been good at cooking.
Kel immediately began stuffing the food in his face with a wide grin, biting against his fork as he ate. “This is amazing! Thanks, Hero,” he said with his mouth full. Hero grinned bashfully at the compliment and thanked his little brother, who had already began rambling about some new video game or something or other. Ah, typical Kel. Even if he was technically an adult now he was still acting as young as ever.
“There’s another Captain Spaceboy?” Aubrey commented with an overdramatic sigh. “That series has gone on for too long.”
Kel immediately protested, pointing his finger up in the air and dropping his fork in the process. “No such thing! How dare you insult the trilogy.”
“Tsk. Trilogy?” Aubrey questioned, her tone dripping with sarcasm. She giggled sarcastically a little to herself before picking up a chunk of meat with her fork and shoving it in her mouth. “At least it wasn’t as bad as-“
“Hey, be kind you two,” Hero interrupted, his voice having an oddly soft tone despite the harsh words. Kel sighed and continued shoving food in his mouth begrudgingly, Aubrey doing the same. Hero was always good at controlling those two. Just like back then.
Basil then began to talk about the book he had been reading. His voice was small and his sentences were short, but it was good conversation nonetheless. Plus, this gave Sunny an opportunity to fill himself in on the parts of the book he missed. “The main character’s… Sort of like me,” he had mumbled, “it makes me feel heard.”
Hero smiled as he placed his fork back down on the table. “I’m glad you’re enjoying your book, Basil. Has Sunny been enjoying it? I noticed you two were reading together.”
Basil nodded contently. “He said he liked it.”
The conversation continued, but Sunny couldn’t help but begin to lose focus of what was going on around him, just like before. Everything felt so full and happy and warm, like a flower bud finally blooming after years of staying closed shut, he couldn’t help but lose track of himself a little. Of course, things still weren’t perfect, though. There were still awkward moments, sad moments, grieving moments. But it was better. Things were getting better.
Sunny didn’t know how he got this lucky. After everything, his friends… Enjoy him? Forgave him? Pushed aside their differences and their melancholic past so they could reunite in a fragile hope of feeling how they did before, hoping that maybe, just possibly, their friendship could remain? It was a fruitless idea, almost, the mere thought of hoping things could go back to how they were before. But, maybe life was a little more forgiving this time around. Maybe they could go back to how they were before.
Or, wait, no. Not quite. It wasn’t perfectly the same, perfectly full, perfectly fine yet. There felt as if something was missing. The final puzzle piece that would complete him, Basil, Kel, Hero, Aubrey- everyone. What were they missing? Sunny knew he should count his blessings, but, he couldn’t help but feel the tinge of emptiness ring inside of him. His heart tugged with the thought that, there is something missing, gone, empty. Something, someone, perhaps, who-
Wait. No, no, no, no. Not the time to think about that right now. A swirling feeling of guilt and grief awoke inside of his stomach. The familiar sensation of self-loathing crept up his back. He froze. Not now, not now, not in the middle of warmth, happiness, joy, completeness. Not when everyone is having a good time. Just ignore it, ignore it, ignore it-
He felt a hand grip firmly onto his shoulder. “Sunny, are you okay?”
It was a soft, boyish voice. One he recognized a little too well. He immediately came back to his senses, though, and also immediately noticed he had dropped his silverware rather dramatically against the table by accident in the midst of all of this. He let out a sigh, nodding slightly, just slightly, hoping it would be convincing enough.
Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it-
“What’s on your mind?” the voice said again. No, no, no, no-
Or. No, wait. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t push down his feelings again. Maybe he could, just, let go of the weight on his chest for once. But it felt like that would hurt. Really, really hurt. But, also feel warm. Ah, what should he do? Sunny wanted to dig his fingernails into his cheeks at that very moment. Not this again.
He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Perhaps he should just blame it on his dumb brain, always coming up with excuses and irrationalities. But he said it. He really said what was on his mind, truthfully this time. And, the words he said in response to the voice’s question, made the entire table go silent.
“Mari,” was what he had responded with.
Oh. Oh no.
Did he really just say that?
There was a sinking feeling in his gut, the tension beginning to grow so thick he felt like he could suffocate. Please, why did he say that? For God’s sake, why did he say that? Now he really wanted to dig his fingernails into his cheeks. Being honest wasn’t a good idea.
The entire table fell silent. Even the sound of clinking silverware and reckless chewing stopped. The only remaining sound was the light buzzing of the A.C. from somewhere in the distance. Oh, this hurt. This hurt badly.
Finally, finally, someone broke the silence. “Sunny…” a masculine voice mumbled, “it’s okay. You don’t… You shouldn’t have too feel guilty anymore. We’re back together again, it’s okay.”
Sunny shook his head from side to side violently. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, for no apparent reason at all, “I’m sorry.” He placed his palms over his face and dug his fingers into his hair. He flourished in the way the pain bloomed beautifully within his skin.
Suddenly, though, he felt arms wrap around his waist from his side. He dare not look up to see whoever just did that. It made a little warmth, just a little, blossom within his heart. It felt nice, for a fleeting moment. Maybe, he could indulge in this kindness for just a little…
No. Not now. He just ruined everyone’s dinner. Stupid Sunny.
“Heh… You really haven’t changed much, Sunny,” the person said, in a less than comforting voice, “but that’s alright. I like how you’re more sentimental than others.”
He really was, wasn’t he? Sentimental. Emotional. Sensitive. The fingers in his scalp dug deeper.
“Kel, don’t say something that’ll just upset him,” grumbled a harsh, feminine voice, “do you even know wha you’re saying?” There were then footsteps against the hard-wood flooring, getting louder, and louder, and louder-
“I’m… Trying my best,” the voice (Kel, apparently?) responded, in a tone a little softer than what Sunny had expected. “Sorry, bud.” He then felt his hair get ruffled a little bit. It felt nice.
“Sunny,” the girlish voice suddenly commanded, her voice now much more clear than before. “I… You… Please don’t feel guilty anymore. I understand why you still feel pained, but I… I think you genuinely deserve happiness. You deserve to feel happy again. It’s what Mari would’ve wanted, and I want that too. So please, could you find it in yourself- find what makes yourself so, so important and, just- You know, recognize that we do all care about you. A lot. Because you deserve it, Sunny. You do.”
Because you deserve it, Sunny. The words rang and echoed in his head. Does he? He- no. He was so confused. But… It made him feel… Odd. Like warmth, like the sun beating against his skin on a nice summer day, like a refreshing breeze brushing against his hot skin. His heart felt like a silky, soft flower, golden and shining with grace. But, ah, no, did he deserve this happiness, though? There was also an empty, sinking feeling, one of self-loathing and guilt and hatred and-
Sunny took his hands off of his face and cringed at the stinging feeling in his scalp. He took a deep breath. Calm down, he told himself. Realize her words are true, he told himself. You are important. You are loved. You deserve to be happy.
He took another deep, shaky breath, in and out. The arms around his torso seemed to be pulling tighter. He liked that feeling. He wish he felt it more often. Physical touch, the feeling of warmth… What was this called again? A hug? It didn’t matter, anyway, he decided. Sunny began to indulge in the kindness and allowed his heart to feel free. Free of guilt, free of shame. Just for this moment. Just for this moment…
“Aubrey’s words are true!” Kel yelped, “At least that’s what I think.”
There was a soft laugh. “Aubrey really has a way with words, huh?” a soft masculine voice spoke. He knew that voice. It was Hero’s voice.
The laughter… the smiles… the feeling in his stomach… Maybe, just maybe, admitting what was truly on his mind wasn’t a bad thing after all. With far more confidence than what he felt moments ago, he gradually peeled open his eyelids and gazed at the scenery around him. Sunny’s chair must’ve gotten pulled back at some point because all of his friends were standing around him, smiling. They didn’t look upset, or tense, or bothered, but… Empathetic. Sympathetic. Happy. Why?
This was so unrealistic. But at the same time, it had to be realistic. It was happening in front of his own eyes. They were happy and empathetic and just so understanding it hurt sometimes. Or, maybe some of his friends fit these qualities more than his other friends, he silently admitted to himself.
With all of his friends, circling around him, comforting him, making him feel safe and happy, he wasn’t sure what he ever did to deserve this, but that was alright. Maybe, just now, he could allow himself to indulge in the sickeningly sweet kindness his friends provided, and maybe… Feel warmth. Feel happiness. Feel important and unburdened. Just maybe.
Sunny closed his eyes for a brief moment and inhaled deeply. He felt his face begin to change, the muscles around his mouth began to pull and tug but after what had just happened he allowed his muscles to do whatever they wanted.
If only he realized, he had been smiling.