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Charity glanced down at their hands, unable to process the contact without seeing it for herself. Her heart quickened in her chest as her brain worked through every emotion, every memory evoked by such a simple movement - every time Vanessa’s hand had sat on top of hers, comforting her in a way no one else had ever been able too. The tear fell before she could stop it, and she lifted her gaze to meet Vanessa’s concerned expression.
Vanessa knew what she was doing - she hadn’t properly thought about what might happen if the response wasn’t what she expected, but it was all she knew how to do. Back then, before…everything, this is often the only thing that would work to ground Charity, pull her out of whatever spiral and begin to get her through the situation instead. So she planted her hand over Charity’s, glancing up to find her eyes glued to the contact, before a solitary tear dripped down her cheek.
Neither said a word. But everything either could possibly have said was communicated through such a simple action, such little contact. Because they were put on this earth to be together. They worked well together. They were good for each other. They loved each other. They still loved each other.
It was Charity who moved next, bringing her other hand up to Vanessa’s cheek, who sighed and turned into the contact so subtly Charity couldn’t be sure if she’d imagined it. She leant forward, slowly, her brain unable to let her body move any quicker without combusting. But Vanessa pulled back.
“Mackenzie.” The entire reason they were in this whole sorry state in the first place. Well, that and Charity’s stupidity. Charity’s need to always feel wanted, needed, desired. Charity’s need to always have someone in the bed next to her. Charity’s need to always be in control, to never let someone have the deciding hand. And of all the stupid decisions she’d made in her life…he’d been the worst.
“Ness, I…”
“I know.” Charity didn’t even know what she was about to say. But of course Vanessa knew. They always knew what the other was thinking, how the other felt, no matter how hard they tried to hide it.
“But…”
“Finish it. And then we’ll talk.” Vanessa would never, ever have dreamt of saying anything like this not long ago. But seeing Charity Dingle, the love of her life, in such a state of utter misery was breaking her heart even more than her betrayal had. It was clear she wasn’t in love with Mackenzie, and she actually felt a little bit sorry for the man, because she knew how intoxicating she was. The difference was…Charity loved her back. And it wasn’t fair on him.
Charity hadn’t expected Vanessa to come out with that. She knew she wouldn’t be receptive to anything while he was still around, that she wouldn’t become to him what he was to her: the person Charity Dingle cheated on them for. But now, knowing that Vanessa still felt the same way about her as she had all that time ago, before she made the biggest mistake of her life? Charity knew what she had to do.
Agonisingly, she pulled her hand out from under Vanessa’s, eyes still locked, and nodded. “Can Moses come for a sleepover tonight?”
It wasn’t what Vanessa had expected her to say, but she knew Charity, and she knew this was part of whatever plan had just formed in her head. “Sure.” The boys would love it, regardless.
“Ace, he’ll be over at 5.” And she left.
* * *
When Charity dropped Moses off, she deliberately didn’t go back inside Vanessa’s home. Vanessa had looked disappointed, and it obliterated every ounce of doubt Charity had left about what she was about to do.
When she got back home, she dug the tiny box out from the back of her bedside drawer. She often did this around this time, anyway - just as the sun was setting. For some reason, the impending darkness always made her miss Vanessa more. So she’d stare at the ring for a bit, until the feelings subsided, or she was interrupted.
Some days, though, she needed more. She needed Vanessa with her. She popped the box open, removed the delicate chain and fed the ring onto it, before fastening the clasp at the back of her neck. She wanted Vanessa to know. To know that this wasn’t some sudden, monumental change of mindset. To know that she’d dreamt of this moment every day they’d been apart…she just never thought she’d get the opportunity to make it come true.
Wearing the ring around her neck simultaneously managed to make her feel strong and weak. Strong because it was like having a part of her there - she could remember the strength she used to gather from a hug or a conversation when she was falling into a pit she’d have struggled to get out of otherwise. Yet weak, because it was a reminder of her stupidity. Added to that the task of ensuring it stayed hidden for the whole day…it was exhausting, but that was exactly why she did it.
She popped the box in her pocket and moved downstairs, her feet lighter on the steps than they had been for ages, it was like walking on a cloud. She reached the bottom just as Mackenzie walked in the door - 5.30, as always.
“Hey gu…oh, where’s my wee man?” It was now or never.
“Oh, I took him for a sleepover with Johnny.”
“Oh…” Charity frowned, pretending she didn’t know this was how it would play out.
“Not a problem, is it?”
“No, ‘course not, just…”
“I mean, they are legally brothers, after all, it’d be unfair to try and keep them apart.”
“Yeah, I know, but…”
Charity stared longingly into the distance, despite her vision being blocked by the wall. “And the way their faces light up when they see…”
“Alright, Charity, I get it.”
“Get what?”
“Whatever…point you’re trying to prove.” He was spitting his consonants in the way he did when he was annoyed, like a child having a tantrum.
“Uh, I’m not prov…”
“Oh, come off it! You’ve been searching for every opportunity to see her since she came back to the bloody village, don’t pretend this is all for your kids!”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Vanessa.” He said her name like it was venom. It thrilled Charity. “She strolls back in here, all blonde hair and gilets, and suddenly everything we’ve got doesn’t seem to matter anymore.”
“Babe, come on. Me and Vanessa are long gone, we…”
“Stop. Stop lying to me! God, it’s so obvious…”
“You’re just being parano…”
“No I’m not!” Charity was grateful that this was Mackenzie, and not some of her other men. They might’ve hit her now. And she’d take it, because it would be worth it. And in all honestly, it was little more than she deserved.
“Look, if you’ve got such a fucking problem with it, then why don’t you just go?”
“What?”
“You heard.”
“So, what, that’s it? Everything we had, Charity, everything we still have, just…forgotten about?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” She turned away, unable to watch any more hurt pass over his features. He sighed, but it was clear this wasn’t a conversation anymore. “We’re over, Mackenzie. This…it’s finished.”
* * *
Charity slept better that night than she had for months. She’d taken the necklace off and placed it beside the box on her nightstand, enjoying not having to hide it, knowing no one else would be in here to see it. Sure, there was an element of guilt. But deep down, she knew this was the right thing, and she knew Mackenzie would, one day, be able to see that too.
Because he’d always be second best. Even on their good days, their good weeks or months, even. It had never come close to what she had with Vanessa. But he’d never had a Vanessa, he didn’t know what that felt like. So in his head, this was as good as it got. Charity hoped one day he’d find something more.
She knew there wasn’t a kind way to do it, to break up with him. She knew it’d hurt him regardless. So she tried to make it easier. The argument last night…all a premeditated act. He was very predictable, she practically knew everything he was going to say before he walked in the door. So she played it up, tried to make him fall a little bit out of love with her, maybe even find a part of himself that hated her…because that would be how he started to move on. And he would move on.
When she dressed, she put the necklace back on and replaced the box in her pocket. She’d deliberately chosen trousers with deep pockets so it wasn’t so obvious what was in there - she knew how she intended for this to pan out, but she didn’t want her plans to be given away too soon.
She headed out the door with a spring in her step, the hint of spring in the morning air only adding to her elation. But bumping into Mackenzie wasn’t part of the plan.
“Hey.”
“Oh, you’re still acknowledging my existence then?” He was playing it hard…but Charity knew the act. She’d played it herself more times than she could count. However, she was glad that the argument seemed to have had the desired effect.
“Mackenzie, please…”
“Och, I don’t want to hear it.” He made to move off, but Charity had things to say. She knew she shouldn’t, not yet, it was too soon. But she had to. It was only fair.
“No, wait!” Something in her tone stopped him, and he stood, waiting for whatever she was so desperate to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, sure…”
“No, really. Not for this. For…for everything. For leading you on, really.”
“Oh, what? So this was all fake then, was it?”
“Not all of it, no. But I…god, I’m so sorry, but I…I don’t love you.” His gaze dropped to his feet, and Charity could see him fighting back tears. He was winning. “And I know that must be so difficult to hear right now, but it’s the truth, the whole truth. And…you deserve so, so much better than someone who doesn’t love you back.”
“And what if I don’t want better? What if I want you?”
“You can’t make that decision now, not without knowing what it’s really like.”
“But this is what it’s like for me, Charity. This is everything I get.”
“I know it seems like that now, I was like that too, once. But when you find it, when it’s real…you’ll know.”
“So, what, you’re just going back to her now then?” Charity’s feet fidgeted, and Mackenzie exhaled sharply. “Yeah, thought as much.”
“I don’t know, okay? I…I’d like to. But I want to do it properly. I’m too old for games now, Mackenzie, I’m too old to pretend, and to lie, and to cheat.”
“So, what, you breaking up with me is supposed to feel better because at least you’re not cheating on me? Forgive me if I’m not really seeing the comparison here, babe.”
“No, that’s not…” Charity trailed off. Because that’s exactly what she meant, isn’t it? “I love her. And whether she is in this village or not, whether she is by my side or not…that doesn’t change. She owns my whole heart, and no one else can get anywhere near it. And I…” Charity was the one fighting back tears now, and it seemed to cause a shift in Mackenzie. He’d never been able to support her when she was upset, but she could always see that it did affect him. That’s how she knew he did genuinely love her. But it couldn’t make her love him back. “I need to try and make things right.”
An awkward silence fell over the pair, but the anger had shifted. Something in what Charity had said had broken through, and that was all she needed. Because breaking his heart was never the intention…but it was ultimately always how this was going to end. Because it wasn’t real. It had never been real.
“Good luck, Charity.”
“Same to you. I really, genuinely, hope you’re very happy.” And she knew it would sting. But she meant the words.
As she started walking again, she spotted her leaning against the doorframe. She didn’t know how long she’d been there.
“That looked…” Charity was barely within earshot. She knew Vanessa won’t have heard what was said…she just hoped she hadn’t got the wrong idea.
“Yeah…just a bit.”
“Cuppa?”
“I’d love one.” Charity had no need to worry.
* * *
The boys were playing away, and if they hadn’t been two years older than the last time they’d sat together like this, the pair could almost convince themselves that no time had passed at all. There was a comfort, a calmness…everything they’d missed about the simple act of being in the other’s presence. Time had kept ticking, but everything had stayed the same.
Vanessa was waiting for Charity to speak. Charity was plucking up the courage. But the silence wasn’t awkward - sure, there was anticipation. But Charity didn’t feel rushed. She knew she could speak when she was ready.
“I ended it.” The smirk behind Vanessa’s mug was so subtle, but Charity clocked it, and could almost have laughed. “Me and Mackenzie are over.”
“Wow, that’s…I’m sorry?” It was a question.
“Ha! No you’re not!”
“No, you’re right, I’m not.” And they did laugh then. “No, seriously…it can’t have been easy.”
“No…but probably not for the reasons you think.” A puzzled look crossed Vanessa’s face. “Ness…I never loved him. God, I barely even liked him most of the time! He was…do you really want to hear this?”
“Maybe not, but I think you have to say it.”
“I really do.”
“Then shoot.”
“The kiss, honestly…it was just a kiss. I was a mess, I thought you were finished with me, I felt like I was losing control of everything and it just…it just happened. And it was awful, and I hated myself for it, but I convinced myself that it didn’t mean anything at all because it didn’t mean anything to me. And that’s always how my brain works, it never stops to think that other people view things differently and…” she was welling up, and Vanessa placed a hand on her knee.
“Slow down, Charity. There’s no rush.” And Charity exhaled a breath she’d been holding for the last two years, taking a moment to compose herself.
“It broke me. And I mean, it properly shattered me. My soul, my spirit…all that really cheesy stuff I thought was a load of rubbish before I met you.” Vanessa looked so sad, but Charity couldn’t have that. “No, please, don’t. It was my own fault, and it was nothing more than I deserved. I’m just telling it how it is.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ness, no.”
“But I am.”
“You’ve got absolutely nothing to be sorry for. This is on me. It’s about time I started taking some responsibility.” And Vanessa’s expression shifted to one of pride and adoration, so she continued. “It became something more when it became clear you weren’t coming back. And I couldn’t blame you, because I wouldn’t have come back to me either. But…well, you know me well enough. I need someone, something. Whether it’s real or not is kind of irrelevant, but there’s this fundamental underlying need to have someone at my beck and call. And he…he was there.”
She didn’t want to be telling Vanessa this…mostly because she wished none of it had happened. But she hoped that by sharing it now, by getting everything out in the open, that they might actually, finally be able to heal. She took a long break to compose herself, her tea now almost cold. And then continued.
“And I don’t quite know how it happened. But eventually we became more than…well, whatever we were before. And that was fine, because it was convenient for me. But it was clear he was in deep, that he genuinely cared about me, and then he said he loved me and I…” she didn’t quite know where she was going with that.
“Charity?” She glanced up.
“I don’t know.”
“Take your time.”
“I…I didn’t love him. I never loved him, I could never love him, because…I love you, Vanessa. And through all this that hasn’t once wavered. You own my heart, my whole heart. And you always will, whether you like it or not.” A small smile spread across Vanessa’s face. “I love you.”
Vanessa’s eyes were brimming with tears, now, unable to find the words but being all too aware it was her turn to speak. Because it had hurt her, too, all of this. Sure, the initial betrayal was awful, and she didn’t think it could get any worse. But it could, and it did. With every day that passed the hole left behind by Charity Dingle got a little bit bigger, until it felt like there was nothing left.
But she was not going to be beaten by this. She’d got through cancer. She was a fighter. She could fight this, too.
So she knitted herself back together, piece by piece, day by day. Johnny helped massively, of course, simply by existing and reminding her of the good that was present in the world. And as the weeks and months went by, she felt more like herself again. There was always something missing…but mostly, she was there.
Getting back into dating had been Tracy’s idea, of course. She hadn’t been massively keen, but what was the harm in trying? But nothing had come anywhere close to what she felt when she was around Charity. And, deep down, she knew nothing ever would. Because she still loved Charity Dingle. And she always would love her, wholly and completely.
Of course, Tracy had told her about Mackenzie and Charity. Returning to the village with a girlfriend…in all honesty, it’d been a front to mess with Charity’s head. She felt awful about it now, even if she was still proud of herself for how convincing the act seemed to be. But the way things ended was fitting.
Because she wanted Charity back, and she’d long passed hating herself for that. She knew what she was getting into from the start, she knew the road wouldn’t be simple. But every bump in the road was worth weathering, because what they had was real. And they could lie, and they could cheat, and they could hurt each other, and nothing would ever, ever change. And it became clear to her very quickly upon her return that that wasn’t a one sided feeling.
But she couldn’t do to Mackenzie what he’d done to her. Not that she blamed him, of course - she knew how Charity played things. But she wouldn’t be that person to anyone else.
So she hatched a plan, and waited for her moment. An opportunity to comfort, a gentle touch, and two little words: “finish it.” She’d never mess with anyone’s relationship in any other circumstances - that was their business and it was not her place to interfere. But she knew it was the right thing for everyone. However it panned out between the two of them…Charity and Mackenzie were not right for each other. And she needed to give this another go.
The biggest regret in Vanessa’s life was how she reacted to the situation. And she couldn’t blame herself, really, given everything she’d been through in the months before, for how harsh she was. But it had just created hurt, for Charity and maybe even more so for herself. And sure, breakups always hurt. But not like that. The pain didn’t ever fully ease, and Vanessa knew she’d messed up. But the moment she’d longed for, the moment she thought she might never get…the moment to try and put things right, it was here. And she’d be damned if she’d waste it.
“I love you, Charity Dingle.” And Charity exhaled once again, her next move clear in her mind.
“Boys? Could you pop upstairs for a minute?” Vanessa looked confused again, but watched as the pair chased each other up the stairs, giggling. The two women giggled too, unsure how they’d lasted so long without seeing that duo having fun together. Charity stood up from the sofa, placing the cold mug on the table, and wiped her palms on her trousers.
“You okay?” Vanessa looked concerned now.
“Yeah, just…god, you’re gonna have to give me a sec, okay?”
“Yeah, sure, just…take your time.” Vanessa always knew how to make Charity feel respected, how to let her know that she didn’t have to panic and rush through everything. And it was one of the things that made them work so well together, because it was one of the things Charity had hardly ever experienced before.
“Right, okay.” She stood up a little straighter, eyes connecting with Vanessa’s. “Vanessa Woodfield, you are, hands down, the most incredible person I have ever had the pleasure of encountering in my life.” Vanessa put down her mug, taking Charity’s hands in her own. “And the days I’ve spent away from you, a life without you in it…” she stifled a sob, “it’s not worth living, babe.”
“Charity…”
“I mean it.” The tears were flowing freely now, and Charity’s voice was strangled. “Losing you was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and we know there’s been plenty of competition. But now you’re here, and I’m here and…god, I have no idea how you’re back here…”
“I want to be here.” And Charity almost laughed, because how could she want to be here? “Because my life without you isn’t much living, either.”
Charity took a second to compose herself, freeing her hands to wipe her face before undoing the clasp of her necklace. She hid the charm in her hand as she fed it off the chain, before turning her back to Vanessa as she produced the box from her pocket and placed the ring inside. When she turned back around, hiding her hands behind her back, she knew Vanessa knew what she was doing.
“Charity…” an intense pause fell over the room as Charity waited to hear what she’d say next. But no words came.
“May I?”
Vanessa still paused, but not for long. “You may.” And Charity again exhaled. She looked up to stall the tears that she knew would fall soon anyway, before hitching her trousers up just enough to permit her getting down on one knee. The squeals of playful excitement from the boys upstairs should have been annoying, but somehow they made the moment even more special. And despite knowing what was coming, Vanessa’s hands moved to cover her mouth.
“Vanessa Woodfield…I never, ever want to spend another day without you. And I know I absolutely do not deserve a second chance, but here I am, asking for one anyway.” The tears were falling again, but her voice somehow remained steady. “I’ve said these words before, and I didn’t expect to say them then, and I sure as hell didn’t expect to be saying them again. But here they come.” Vanessa giggled, the sense of deja vu almost overwhelming. “Will you be my wife?” Another pause fell over the room.
“At least take me to dinner first.”
“Oi!” Charity knocked Vanessa’s knee gently, simultaneously grateful and peeved at her for breaking the tension.
“Charity Dingle, it would be my honour to be your wife.” And Vanessa’s own tears began to fall, too. Removing the ring from the box, Charity slid it over Vanessa finger as she had done once before, before bringing it to her mouth and kissing it softly. In that kiss, she willed that this time it could, would, had to be, forever.
Vanessa’s hands helped Charity to stand, joining her as she did so, their faces now almost as close as they could be without actually touching. Charity glanced down as she released her hands from Vanessa’s, snaking one arm around her waist and the other hand into her hair, and her movements were mirrored. And then they closed the distance, kissing just like they used to kiss, and it felt like everything in their lives made sense again. That despite everything they’d been through, they could pick up where they left off. That they were whole again.
* * *
Mackenzie,
I know you probably don’t want to hear from me (you probably won’t even read this), but I have some things I need to say.
I hope you are happy, and I hope that you are always happy - that you will find that person who always makes you happy. Because you’re a good man, and you deserve that. You deserve so much more than me and what I was able to give to you.
It wasn’t all an act, though, so please don’t think that. I might not have been able to love you like you loved me, but I enjoyed the time we spent together. And I hope that one day you realise that your love for me…it gets better than that. Because when someone loves you back, it’s special. And I want that for you.
I’m sure Moira has told you, or maybe she hasn’t. Maybe she thinks you don’t want to know. But Vanessa and I are engaged. And as much as I’m sure as that’s hard for you to hear right now, I know you’ll want to hear it. Because I know you loved me, and I know you’d want me to be happy. And I’ll always be grateful for the things you did to try and make me happy.
My family mean the world to me, even though I don’t always show it. I want what’s best for them. So, thank you for being a part of that. I’d never stop you seeing any of them again, if that’s what you and they want, because you were important to them, just like you were important to me. I cannot express how much I appreciate the things you did for them.
Finally: I’m sorry. For everything you can think of that I might be sorry for, and then the rest. I never meant to hurt you. I doubt we’ll ever see or hear from each other again. But I wish you all the best, Mackenzie. Truly. I hope life brings you every happiness.
Sincerely,
Charity Dingle