Archive of Our Own

Dark clouds rolled in over Manyang, followed by thundering rain that beat violently onto the rooftops, sounding like millions of fists. It pounded the streets, microscopically molding them and in a hundred years it would sit an inch or so further into the Earth. It took time to move the Earth, but it took thirty five minutes to move Han Juwon. His mental state had completely fractured in the past thirty five minutes and all it took was Lee Dongsik being Lee Dongsik to frustrate him irrevocably.

Juwon gave up and sat on his bed, his feet tucked under him, watching Dongsik move around the room and set things up. He had insisted on helping Juwon when he finally moved to Manyang, but the younger had come down with a fever due to carrying his belongings in the cold weather. He was going to postpone unpacking, but Dongsik said that he would take care of it while Juwon rested.

The older man went about hanging a picture frame, confirming the location with Juwon and then he grabbed a few things from the next box and set them on the dresser. Juwon didn’t have a lot of things, but Dongsik treated each one with such care, placing it delicately and observing it from a distance. He would easily get dissatisfied and move it to a different location.

To any outside observer, it would appear as if Dongsik was trying to match the home to his tastes, but Juwon knew him too well for that. Dongsik had a near photographic memory, it made him essential to cases and a miserable enemy, yet oddly a reliable interior decorator. He was attempting to match Juwon’s new home to his old one, placing each item in a location nearly identical to how it was in Seoul.

Juwon didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t want his new house to feel like his old one, he was too endeared and so just observed from his spot on the bed instead. Dongsik had moved a candle holder four times before Juwon helped him out a little bit.

“That one’s new.”

“Ah,” Dongsik nodded. That explained why it didn’t fit into the image in his head. He set the candle holder onto the bookshelf and turned to gain approval from Juwon, who just smiled and nodded.

He didn’t care much anyways.

“I'll put your kitchen wares away, you just get some sleep,” Dongsik insisted, going to leave the room.

“Lee Dongsik, just leave it. I’ll sleep till I break my fever and then I’ll do all of that, don’t worry about it.”

Dongsik smirked and walked out of the room. He had always been very bad about listening.

Yet, Juwon really didn’t mind. Not that he was happy to take advantage of Dongsik’s help, but he was able to sleep just a bit easier knowing that there was someone else in the house... knowing that Dongsik was nearby.

So he closed his eyes and rested. It must have only been a few hours, when he finally opened his eyes, it wasn’t quite dark outside and it was still raining. Juwon sat up. His fever had passed and the pile of blankets on his lap felt more annoying than comforting. He tossed them off and scrambled to his feet. His empty stomach made him slightly dizzy and he grumbled, making his way to the kitchen.

The smell of hot food reached him and he smiled, peering into the kitchen. His bleary eyes easily spotted the pot of soup on the stove and the man standing over it. The kitchen looked lived in, not in a messy way, but it was set up comfortably and was perfect. Dongsik was stirring the vessel of whatever he’d created.

Juwon crossed the kitchen to look over his shoulder at what he’d created. They were not particularly touchy, nor did they cuddle, but Juwon pushed against his back to get a good look into the pot. This was more than he would initiate with most people and it made Dongsik smile to himself. For Juwon, this was bordering on clingy and he was more than happy to reciprocate. He leaned back into the touch.

“Kimchi jjigae?” Juwon asked, raising an eyebrow.

Dongsik hummed in confirmation. “Did your fever break?”

“I think so,” Juwon pressed his palm against his own forehead, before stepping back to retrieve a glass of water.

Dongsik felt the absence of his body pressed against him and he tried not to look too disappointed. “Do you want some tea?”

Juwon shook his head.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Juwon shook his head.

“Let’s eat then.”

They ate while discussing what the plan was for the next week. Juwon had transferred back to the Manyang station, as he didn’t want to commute two hours every single day for work, but it allowed him two weeks in between his jobs for moving. He wanted to spend as much of that time with Dongsik as he could, he wanted to figure out whatever this was that was going on in between them. They had more or less confessed feelings for each other, but then that was that... they had shared one or two kisses but there was no confirmation as to what they were to each other.

Juwon had asked, back then when he was on medical leave of absence for his belly wound, he had asked Dongsik before he went back. He felt a bit like he was in a scene of a romance movie, grabbing onto his sleeve and looking into his eyes before he got in his car to drive away.

He wouldn’t dare say the words ‘ What are we? ’ so he settled for his own beaten around the bush version. “If someone asks if I’m single... what should I say?”

“That confident, are you? The people of Seoul are just lining up outside your door, huh?”

“Lee Dongsik,” Juwon sighed.

“We’re partners, aren’t we? You and me... we’ve always been partners.”

And that had been the end of that discussion. It occasionally came to mind and nagged from the dark recesses of Juwon’s mind. Just what was he, to Lee Dongsik? The term boyfriends seemed too juvenile, but lovers was too intimate. Maybe partners was the most apt.

However the answer to all of this was what Han Juwon was determined to uncover during this time and he knew it wouldn’t be possible if he didn’t enlist the help of Yoo Jaeyi. She was his most trusted confidante and had even become something of a best friend, or as close as Juwon could ever get to having one. They were at each other’s throats one day and giggling like school girls the next. It was... just right.

After Dongsik left that day, going to his part time job at the grocery store, Juwon called Jaeyi and told her the coast was clear. She arrived with soju. Dongsik was still on probation for the next few months and it didn’t feel right to drink in front of him, they decided.

“He put all of this up?” she asked. “It’s quite dull.”

“He did it exactly how I had it at my apartment,” Juwon sounded more defensive than he meant.

“Oh,” Jaeyi bit her lip, before letting out a laugh. “We’ll rearrange in due time. Not yet, though, we don’t want to hurt Dongsik ahjussi’s feelings.”

Sipping his soju, Juwon felt the burn at the back of his throat and winced. It had been awhile since he drank, still recovering from a gunshot wound and he had almost forgotten what it tasted like. He didn’t necessarily miss it, but he missed the shared rasp in his and Jaeyi’s throats as they knocked back their glasses. It was more so the camaraderie that was lacking from his days, something he was sure there would be no shortage of now that he was back in Manyang for good.

“How’s Jooryung?” he sipped from his glass again. 

Jaeyi wrinkled her nose and gave him a look. “We’re taking a break. It’s not that we don’t like each other anymore, we just liked each other so much at first that the novelty’s worn off and we need to make sure we mean it. Y’know?”

Juwon thought about shaking his head. He didn’t really know, as he had so little experience with relationships but instead he nodded. It didn’t really matter if he did or not.

“Not something that you and Dongsik have to worry about, you two waited so long to get together,” she smirked. “I bet you can’t keep your hands off each other now.”

Juwon pursed his lips tight, looking off towards the clock. He didn’t say anything and Jaeyi’s eyebrows shot up.

“Don’t tell me...” she scoffed. “Have you two really not done... anything?”

“Well,” Juwon sniffed indignantly. He never thought he would be having this kind of conversation with anyone. Kwon Hyuk had tried a few times, unsuccessfully, and it would seem there was just something different about Jaeyi. “We did... you know...”

“What?”

“Well... kiss.”

Jaeyi burst out laughing. “You sound like a middle schooler.”

That seemed a bit harsh but Juwon wasn’t going to argue. “I know it sounds naive, but it’s just odd to think about doing anything like that with him.”

“You don’t see him like that?” she frowned as if it was preposterous. Juwon felt a stab of jealousy at the idea of Jaeyi thinking of Dongsik like that.

And Juwon certainly did see him like that. He saw him at night when he closed his eyes and it made him wake up with a wet spot on the front of his boxers. He even envisioned him once or twice when he was having a particularly hot shower, but thoughts and reality had such a different effect on his emotions. When he was faced with Lee Dongsik there was some kind of a mental block, as if the Dongsik in his dreams was more desirable than Dongsik in real life. But it wasn’t even really like that, he was just more... accessible in Juwon’s dreams.

That was it. Lee Dongsik was inaccessible. He had a brick wall built around him and he dared Juwon to knock it down, when his only weapon was pebbles. It was impossible. 

“He just makes it hard.”

“Does he...?”

“Shut up. You know what I mean. He’s hard to read and I feel like half the time, he doesn’t even act like he has feelings for me too.”

“But he does.”

“I’m aware of that. At least I’m aware he says that.”

“But you don’t feel it?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure,” he muttered, downing the rest of his soju.

“Han Juwon,” Jaeyi sighed. She used his full name when she was serious. “Even I can see that Dongsik loves you. Why else would he come unpack your entire house? Why else would he visit you every single week when you were on bedrest and help feed and bathe you? Why else would he let your rude ass talk down to him?”

“He would do those things for everyone,” he muttered. 

“Because he loves everyone. That is his way of showing love. Isn’t he enough just as he is? You need to earn special treatment, you know.”

He felt awfully selfish when she put it like that. He worried at his lip with his top teeth and leaned back against his couch. Dongsik didn’t owe him anything, he should have considered how lucky he was just to spend time with him, when there were so many other people who wanted his attention. Dongsik had asked if he could handle all of the people that came with him and yes Juwon could... he just wished there were moments when he could have Dongsik to himself. He didn’t deserve special treatment, but he wanted it. Because he was Dongsik’s partner, whatever that meant to him.

But... “You’re right. It’s not that he’s not enough... it’s just hard to feel like I’m enough for him.”

Jaeyi sighed. “Dongsik loves you differently than he loves everyone else, not more, just different. Maybe he hasn’t figured out how to show that just yet. Just give him time. Okay?”

Juwon nodded. Of course she was right again, she was Yoo Jaeyi and his best friend. It was her job to be right about these sorts of things. 

~

Park Jeongje was the most difficult part of adjusting to life in Manyang, not because he was causing issues, but just because he was always there . He was always at the grocery store, either shopping or chatting with Dongsik, or he was at the coffee shop or he was at Jaeyi’s shop or he was driving down the street or there was an old campaign flyer of his mother’s on a lightpost somewhere and his presence just couldn’t be erased. Juwon was always reminded that he was still here, that Dongsik still loved him and that Dongsik loved him first .

It wasn’t as infuriating as it should have been, it was more of an incentive for Juwon to try harder. He saw Jeongje as a challenge that he had to overcome every other day. He was never a nuisance, but he was just always there . Juwon wondered if Dongsik was as hyper aware of him as he himself was.

This was answered in a way when he waited at the grocery store for Dongsik to get off work, where he was moving boxes of product off of the delivery truck and into the store room. It wouldn’t have been right for him to be cashiering or working in the deli or something because he was Lee Dongsik but it would also be a good position for him because everyone in town knew him and - now - loved him. 

Juwon lurked around the entrance to the store room, knowing that it was a few minutes after Dongsik’s shift ended. He was surprised to see Dongsik and Jeongje walk out together, chatting. Juwon bristled a bit when he saw them together and he frowned to himself, turning away so Dongsik wouldn’t see his expression.

“Juwon-ah,” Dongsik greeted and Juwon gave him a tight lipped smile. He looked too happy to see Dongsik and he wondered if it was giving him away for being annoyed.

“Han Juwon,” Jeongje bowed his head slightly.

“Hello,” Juwon said, sounding rather pleasant. He only sounded pleasant when he was annoyed. Jeongje might not have known this, but Dongsik did and he watched Juwon closely before turning to his childhood friend.

“I’ll see you at Jaeyi’s later,” he patted Jeongje on the arm and then walked to elbow Juwon gently. “Let’s go.”

It wasn’t uncommon for Juwon to walk Dongsik home from work, as he was trying to spend as much time as possible with the man and this was the best way for him to do this. They walked in silence for a moment before Dongsik nudged Juwon again with his elbow.

The younger frowned, annoyed.

“Juwon-ah.”

“What?” Juwon grumbled.

“Spend the night with me.”

Juwon stopped walking. Dongsik walked a couple paces ahead before he stopped and turned to look back at him. His expression hadn’t changed at all. He looked as calm and placid as ever. Juwon swallowed.

“Okay.”

Dongsik smiled softly at him. There was nothing more behind that smile and Juwon felt his gut twist a little bit. It was still difficult for him to read Dongsik sometimes, especially in situations like this so he simply looked away as he walked him the rest of the way back to his house.

When they got to his house, Dongsik pulled Juwon under the cover of the porch, gripping his hand tightly. “Are you coming to Jaeyi’s?” he asked.

“Probably. She’d take it personally if I didn’t.”

“She’d understand. You just moved.”

“I’ll be there.”

It was strange behaving like... a couple, or partners or whatever they were. Juwon started to pull away but Dongsik held him tight and pulled him closer, looking around to make sure that nobody was nearby. Not that he cared, but he knew that Juwon would. He leaned in, giving Juwon a look that made him squirm a little, he was waiting for Juwon to close the rest of the distance between them. And he did.

Juwon leaned in close and pressed his lips against Dongsik’s. It was a brief kiss, but it was sweet and made Juwon’s toes tingle. 

~

The evening spent at Jaeyi’s went no different than usual, there was chatter and laughter and the occasional argument about where their next gathering would be, at Jaeyi’s again or at Jihwa’s house. It was always going to be at Jaeyi’s, but everyone liked to pretend like there were other options. Everyone seemed to know that Jaeyi likely wouldn’t come if it was at Jihwa’s, as she would want to keep her shop open and heaven forbid they exclude her. She provided food and drinks so she was essentially the heart of their little makeshift friend group.

Juwon was present, but only physically, not in spirit. His mind was elsewhere, racing with thoughts of what Dongsik’s invitation meant. Should he go home and ... prepare to spend the night with Dongsik. It had been so long since he had any kind of sexual interaction, and they had always been so impersonal, he had worn gloves before touching any sexual organs that were not his own and he never bothered remembering his partners names.

But sex with Lee Dongsik, that was a different story. Dongsik was someone that meant something to Juwon, which meant he was going to put in twice the effort. He glanced at the clock and began to stress about time. Dongsik was usually back at his house by midnight, what time he actually went to bed was beyond Juwon, but he figured it was much later than Juwon did. The time now was 11pm and Juwon wondered if he would have time to go back home and shower and gather his overnight things before going to Dongsik’s, what if Dongsik went to bed as soon as he got home, that would not give Juwon enough time to mentally prepare himself.

By the time people were filing off home and bidding each other goodnight, Juwon realized it was 11:30 and he had spent too much time thinking. He stood up at the same time Park Jeongje did and they looked at each other awkwardly. 

“Goodnight,” Jeongje spoke with a tight smile. 

Juwon bowed in response and then turned to look at Dongsik, Jaeyi and Jihwa, who were the only people left. “I’m going to go home,” he said plainly. He sounded out of breath and he quickly scurried out of the restaurant and started on the walk home. He would usually drive, but the longer he spent in Manyang, the more Manyang he became. You walk home from Jaeyi’s. You drive to the grocery store. It was just what you did.

The walk back to his house felt like he was running underwater, he just couldn’t get there fast enough. Juwon stressed about being punctual and he felt like if he was late, Dongsik would change his mind and just go to bed. It was an irrational fear but it moved Juwon swiftly to his shower and he quickly jumped in. Once faced with his own body however he drew a blank. Just what was the proper amount of preparation? He held a razor in one hand and an almost untouched bottle of lubrication in the other hand. He stared between the two. Which was most important with such a small amount of time?

The alarm he had set on his phone for when he needed to be heading out the door rang through the bathroom and he felt a sick lurch in his stomach. There was no time. He would just have to think about it and then ask to use Dongsik’s bathroom later. He washed himself as thoroughly as he could and then grabbed his overnight bag that he had prepared ahead of time. He took a moment to carefully blow dry his hair. He knew he would be even later, but there were few things he hated more than unkempt hair.

By the time he had applied cologne and then dressed in a nice sweater and slacks, the 5 minute walk to Dongsik’s house would get him there 20 after midnight and he felt a small bead of sweat building on his neck. He would get turned away at the door for being so late, he was sure of it.

The porch light for Dongsik’s house was on, telling Juwon that he was home. He knocked carefully. The door swung open about 30 seconds later and Juwon was greeted with one of his favorite sights. 

Dongsik must have also just showered as his hair hung stringy and wet over his face, still dripping slightly - he was holding a small towel he must have been using to dry it. He was wearing an old navy t-shirt that had the police department’s logo on it and he had on basketball shorts that showed his lean tanned legs. Juwon swallowed dryly. 

“Hey Juwon-ah,” he grinned and he beckoned his partner inside. 

Juwon realized that this was not like regular dates and he felt a bit ridiculous for wearing a sweater, but it would be even stranger for him to step outside of his house in anything less. He swapped his shoes at the door for a pair of new looking slippers that Dongsik had assured him were for his use only. He put them away when Juwon wasn’t coming over so that he would not have to worry about others wearing them.

The lights were dimmed and the phone charger was gone from beside the couch, so Juwon knew that the plan was for both of them to sleep in the bedroom tonight. He swallowed again. At this rate he might end up choking on his own saliva.

Dongsik went about finishing preparing for bed, he brushed his teeth slowly but thoroughly and he went and took some of his medicine, there were a few different ones, all of which had been prescribed by his court ordered therapist. He then plucked a few stray strands of hair and tugged them out of his face, shaking his head to get his hair to somewhat cooperate. Juwon felt frustration that Dongsik put so little care into his appearance but also fondness that he could still look as good as he did despite little to no effort.

Juwon went into the bathroom when Dongsik was done and he changed out of his sweater and slacks, pulling out his pajama pants and button up top. He set them on top of his overnight bag and then carefully withdrew his bottle of lube. He considered the best way to do this without being so obvious about what he was doing. He started with just one finger, very slowly and quietly sliding it into his entrance. 

He almost flinched when he pushed it in, as he hadn’t done anything like this in such a long time. He screwed his eyes shut and concentrated on what he was doing. He took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles as much as he could. He carefully slid his finger in and out, trying to accustom his body to the feeling. He wasn’t even sure that he would be the one receiving but he wanted to be prepared. And it wasn’t like that was a distasteful idea to him. Just the thought of Dongsik replacing his finger made his cheeks burn with pleasure.

Dongsik would be so gentle too. He was always considerate about other people, but especially when it came to Juwon. He never made him do anything he didn’t want to and he was so careful with him, always giving him the space he needed. He would be attentive to Juwon’s needs and yet would be able to touch him in just the right ways. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, picturing it in his mind. Dongsik sliding his fingers into him, whispering in his ear about how well he was taking it. His cock throbbed gently at the thought. 

He managed to get two fingers in himself comfortably, but he stopped there. He wanted to experience this image he was picturing, he wanted Dongsik to open him up slowly and mold Juwon’s body to take him perfectly. He wanted to fit Dongsik exactly.

He washed his hands carefully and then brushed his teeth and dressed in his silk pajamas. They felt sticky on his skin that was building sweat due to his nerves. He stepped out of the bathroom, self conscious now. He wondered if Dongsik would know what he was doing just by the look of him.

The door to Dongsik’s room was cracked open and Juwon braced himself. There was no going back once he went in there. He wouldn’t be able to change his mind. Once he made his choice, he wouldn’t forgive himself for backing out. So he pushed open the door slowly and peered his head in.

Dongsik was sitting on the edge of his side of the bed. He was carefully applying some kind of an ointment to the wound on his thigh. He then grabbed a cream and rubbed it on the tops of his knees and the sides of them, working it into joints. He sighed and tucked the tubes of salve back into the nightstand drawer. He smiled when he looked up and saw Juwon.

It was fairly dark in the entrance to the bedroom, so Juwon stepped closer carefully, he stepped into the light so that Dongsik could get a good look at him. He hoped that Dongsik could see that he was ready and wouldn’t laugh at him or chide him for being nervous. But Dongsik didn’t do any of these things, in fact he just smiled up at Juwon and then got up to walk around him, going to wash the creams off of his hands.

Juwon bit at his lip and then went over to the other (his) side of the bed. He could tell by looking that the blankets and sheets were freshly washed and on this side they hadn’t been touched at all. He slid under them. He wondered if he should undress first, but waiting for Dongsik, naked in his bed, seemed a little pathetic to him. So he simply folded the blankets down so he could sit up and he waited patiently.

When Dongsik returned, he smiled appreciatively at the sight of Juwon waiting for him and he climbed in bed next to him. He flicked off the lamp. Juwon closed his eyes and braced himself, anchoring his body to face Dongsik. Dongsik laid down. Juwon slowly laid down on his side. He stayed facing Dongsik.

“Goodnight, Juwon-ah,” Dongsik whispered. 

Juwon felt heat spread over his neck and face, blossoming from his chest. He was embarrassed. Dongsik had not invited him over with the intention of being intimate. He truly just wanted to spend the night with him. Juwon felt ridiculous.

He rolled over, turning his back on Dongsik and he squeezed his hands into fists and tried not to feel like a complete idiot. The shame made his eyes prick with tears. By the time he felt like maybe he could sleep, he could hear Dongsik sleeping soundly behind him.

~

“Juwon-ah,” Dongsik panted in his ear. His hands were grasping Juwon by the waist, pulling him close to him. He could feel Dongsik’s chest pressing into his back, his lips brushed the lobe of his ear when he spoke and it sent tingles down Juwon’s spine. The air was taut between them and it seemed to thrum and stretch the longer they spent dancing around whatever this was between them.

He nuzzled his nose into the crook of Juwon’s throat, he whimpered and tried to push further into the touch but he couldn’t move. He was rooted in his spot, unable to reciprocate or pull away. He so desperately wanted to encourage the attention, he wanted to beg for more, plead with him to never stop. But when he opened his mouth, his lungs were gummed. Nothing emerged.

Dongsik leaned in close and sank his teeth into his neck, gnawing softly at first. Juwon wanted to gasp and whimper, he needed to tell Dongsik how good it felt. Until it didn’t. Dongsik’s teeth sank in viciously, breaking the skin. Juwon wanted to cry out in pain. Again, he couldn’t speak. It felt like there was a stone on his tongue.

“Juwon, Juwon,” Dongsik begged, his teeth sinking in again, further into the skin of Juwon’s neck. He tugged a little, tearing at the flesh. Juwon felt white hot flash behind his eyes, pain erupting in every part of his body, he couldn’t scream. “Juwon, you taste so good,” Dongsik whispered.

One final tear of his teeth and he ripped away a chunk of flesh from Juwon’s throat. Juwon’s heart was pounding in his chest, the pain bled through every pore in his body and his eyes slid shut as unconsciousness claimed him at last.

~

Juwon awoke with a start, he could feel the cold sweat that was building on the back of his neck. He wondered where a dream like that came from but when he started to take in his surroundings, he became aware of what had caused that dream. Lee Dongsik, his legs were pressed against Juwon’s, his arm came up around Juwon’s waist and his palm was flat against his chest. Juwon had the startling realization that he was being spooned for the first time in his life.

He tried to roll over but Dongsik made a soft sleepy sound, implying that he was unwilling to move. Juwon didn’t have the heart to pry him off of him, so he stayed still, letting him sleep for a little while longer. Juwon ended up falling back asleep himself, he was surprised how safe he felt in Dongsik’s arms.

When he woke again, he found himself alone, he could smell food being cooked in the kitchen and he slowly sat up and looked around. There was a pillow tucked up against Juwon’s back, to mimic the feeling of someone still behind him. Dongsik must have felt bad about getting up and he didn’t want Juwon to feel abandoned.

The young officer slowly got up, he rubbed at his bare chest sleepily. He paused. His chest was not bare when he laid down last night. He looked down and noticed that the top few buttons of his pajama top must have fell open when he was asleep, which meant that Dongsik was touching his bare skin all night. He felt heat climb up his cheeks and he burned with embarrassment.

Entering the kitchen after brushing his teeth and washing his face, Juwon tried to avoid Dongsik’s gaze, worried that he would see how timid he felt. Dongsik was standing at the stove, he was still wearing his basketball shorts but he’d traded his t-shirt for a tanktop that was cut rather low and showed the side of his chest. Juwon found it easy to not look him in the eyes, because he couldn’t look away from the muscle under his skin.

“Good morning,” Dongsik greeted casually. Not noticing the absolute distress that Juwon was in now. He was completely ignorant about the mental pressure he’d put on Juwon since last night.

Juwon’s fists clenched tight. He wondered where he’d gone wrong in this whole situation, where had he misread Dongsik, when had he stopped being able to tell what he was thinking, when had Dongsik become an enigma again. He sat down at the table and tried not to think too much about the open skin before him and focus on how hungry he actually was.

He mumbled something about coffee and went to the counter, but Dongsik stopped him. He turned and grabbed his wrists, his hair was unruly - to be expected for the morning - and his eyes were still puffy with sleep.

“Go sit, I’ll bring you coffee,” he spoke softly, he held Juwon’s wrist tight as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to his jawline, which was the closest he could get to his lips while he was standing up straight.

This seemed to be of no consequence to Dongsik, he was not stressed about his actions. Juwon was in absolute turmoil. His face was burning hot, his mind was racing with thoughts and there was a tightness starting in his groin that was threatening to show itself.

Dongsik moved around Juwon and the kitchen like he had done it hundreds of times, like Juwon was an old piece of furniture that he had grown accustomed to after years of his presence. It was almost as if (god forbid Juwon think about this) they were a married couple and Dongsik had become so comfortable with Juwon’s presence that he didn’t for a second consider what his next course of action should be.

He prepared him coffee, confident that he would like it, and set it in front of him, before going back to making breakfast, which he made with a practiced expert hand. Juwon sat in silence and watched him, wondering when Dongsik had perfected this morning routine that just so happened to include Juwon. He bristled at the idea of Dongsik planning what he’d make or how he’d act when he had Juwon over for breakfast.

“Lee Dongsik,” Juwon spoke carefully.

“Hmm?”

“Last night...”

“Yes, Juwon-ah?”

“Did you hold me in my sleep?” his voice was so small and timid, like the rustle of leaves next to a roaring river. 

“I did,” Dongsik confirmed. He was unbothered by this.

“Why?”

Dongsik blinked at him. A tiny smile rested in the corners of his mouth and Juwon felt mocked for a moment, but then that melted with the warm fondness that broke into a grin over Dongsik’s expression. “Because,” he stepped forwards and cupped Juwon’s chin. “We’re partners. And you looked like you wanted to be held.”

The careful precision with which Dongsik touched and held him, he handled Juwon’s body better than Juwon did, like there were marked placeholders for where his hands should go. How could Dongsik see and read him so well? Juwon took this opportunity to grab Dongsik’s hand, he brought his hand away from his chin and then back up to his mouth. He pressed his lips awkwardly against the palm of his hand, breathing against his skin for a moment before forming his lips into a tiny kiss against the lines of Dongsik’s palm.

The older man simply chuckled. He looked amused by this. Juwon’s every inch of skin was burning with desire and shame about that desire, and Dongsik was just laughing at him like it was nothing. He was infuriated but he didn’t know how to communicate this. So he stared in silence while Dongsik finished making their breakfast and then served it to Juwon at the table.

He had rice and kimchi and stew and various sides. Juwon just watched him, watched his movements like a vulture circling a buffalo carcass, waiting for the right moment to swoop in and take a bite. But there were no openings, no exposure of need, no slip up of body language that said he needed Juwon as much as Juwon needed him.

Perhaps he doesn’t see me that way. Maybe he’s too old to be sexually attracted to me. Juwon was plagued with these thoughts now. He was aware that Dongsik was older, but it hadn’t occurred to him that he was not interested in having sex with someone younger. Maybe this relationship was purely romantic to Dongsik. Juwon hated the thought that Dongsik might not see him as sexually compatible due to their age difference. That opened the possibility that Park Jeongje was a better suited companion for Dongsik. It made Juwon seethe.

Dongsik ate happily, unaware of the glower that filled Juwon’s face. He ate in silence, trying not to slam his rice spoon back onto the table when he was done. He ate as fast as possible, so he could get dressed and leave. Dongsik was taking his time, humming in between bites as he stared out of the window.

“Later today, Jihwa wants to-” Dongsik stopped speaking when he got a good look at Juwon’s face. “Are you about to cry, Juwon?”

The anger that filled him had formed itself into one tiny tear that built up in the corner of his eye. “No,” he demanded. 

His bowl was empty so he pushed it aside and rose to his feet. He looked down at Dongsik. He looked down at his stew that he’d spent all morning making, he looked at the one piece of rice that clung to the corner of his lip, he looked at the expression of concern on his face, the innocent worry in his eyes. He looked at the wrinkles on his face, the gentle lines that flowed over his skin like brush strokes by an artist. 

He was like a forbidden tapestry that was marked off in a museum - Do Not Touch Artwork - and Juwon was forced to just stand and appreciate from a distance. He was so close but completely inaccessible. Juwon wanted to touch him, he wanted to grab him and pull him close and push his feelings into Dongsik’s skin so he wouldn’t have to use words. But he couldn’t.

His fingernails pressed into his palms and he grabbed his empty dish and deposited it into the sink, before marching back to the bedroom. Dongsik watched his back in silence from the table. He was still holding his spoon.

“Juwon-ah,” he called after him. “Han Juwon!”

There was no response.

Dongsik abandoned his breakfast and got up to follow Juwon to the bedroom. The younger was changing his clothes and he watched him from the doorway, taking care not to stare at his body. He didn’t want to risk angering Juwon further.

As Juwon pulled on his day clothes that he’d brought, he pretended like he didn’t know Dongsik was watching him. When he turned around to leave, clutching his overnight bag, he was faced with Dongsik’s sad eyes. He looked... hurt.

“I’m sorry, Juwon,” he spoke quietly, lowering his head. “I shouldn’t have behaved like that last night.”

“Right,” Juwon huffed. Finally they were getting somewhere, but he wondered if Dongsik really understood how he felt. 

“Please don’t leave, Juwon. I’ll think before I act next time, I’ll even ask you, but please... just stay for now.”

“...Ask me what?”

“Before I touch you. I won’t... I won’t hold you without asking.”

“Don’t.”

“I won’t.”

“No, don’t ask,” Juwon sighed in annoyance. Dongsik had completely misinterpreted his reaction. But he supposed it was hard when he wasn’t able to explain or show what he was feeling at all. Juwon found it difficult to communicate like a normal person, he just prayed that Dongsik knew him well enough that he wouldn’t have to. That was not the case however.

“What?” Dongsik slowly lifted his head.

“That’s the problem. Don’t ask me, don’t ask to hold me, don’t ask to kiss me, don’t ask to... to touch me. Just do it,” Juwon felt out of breath. “Just touch me.”

Dongsik blinked at him. “Okay,” he nodded. “I will.”

He turned his body as if he was going to leave. Juwon’s stomach twisted violently and he wanted to shout at Dongsik, but he managed to control his breathing enough to speak calmly.

“Now, Lee Dongsik. Touch me now.”

Dongsik looked over his shoulder at him, a bewildered expression was set into his features, but as Juwon dropped his overnight bag and took a step closer, he seemed to understand a little better now. He stepped further into the room, approaching Juwon with caution. He put his hand on Juwon’s shoulder for a moment, he let his hand slide a little lower, resting on his chest. His eyes sought out Juwon’s, silently asking if this was ok.

Juwon wanted to scream with impatience, but he was frozen to the spot. He wasn’t sure if it was fear or desperation, but he so badly needed Dongsik to take control of the situation, to show him how to behave. 

Dongsik lifted his other hand and grabbed Juwon’s wrist again, he rubbed his thumb over the shape of Juwon’s metacarpal and then moved to grab his hand. Juwon needed more. He raised his hands, not noticing the shake in them and he grabbed onto the front of Dongsik’s tank top.

The older man raised his eyebrows and tried to get a good look at Juwon’s face. He looked dazed and slightly manic, but Dongsik had always been able to understand Juwon just by looking into his eyes. Juwon raised his gaze to meet Dongsik’s and the want that burned in his eyes was stunning.

Dongsik drew in a sharp breath, seeing Juwon, knowing what he was looking for. He smiled slyly. “Juwon-ah,” he whispered. “You’ve been wanting this all along? You just couldn’t ask for it, hmm?”

He released Juwon’s hand and brought his hand up to cup Juwon’s jaw. “My Juwon, you don’t need to be afraid to ask for things from me. Do you understand?”

Juwon nodded pathetically.

“Do you know why I’ve waited for so long? Why have I never tried this with you before?”

“No,” Juwon gasped. “It’s been killing me.”

Dongsik smirked. It was almost wicked. It was so perfectly Lee Dongsik. “A part of me was worried you didn’t want an old man like me, the-”

“I do!” Juwon insisted.

Dongsik chuckled and then slid his palm over Juwon’s mouth. “Let me finish,” he whispered. Juwon quivered as Dongsik leaned in to whisper in his ear. “The other part of me wanted you to beg for it.”

Juwon’s legs gave out this time. He found himself on his knees in front of Dongsik, staring up at him through his eyelashes. “I will. If you want me to. I will.”

The wicked smirk turned into a full on grin and Dongsik slid his hand deep into Juwon’s hair, getting a grip on the locks there. His hair was thick and soft and clean, like everything with Juwon was. “No, darling. You’re perfect like this. So desperate you can hardly stand it. I love you like this.”

“I love you too,” Juwon responded without thinking. His brain was starting to fog over and all that controlled his mouth was the rapid pounding of his heart. 

Dongsik’s eyes widened for a second and then he knelt to meet Juwon at his level. He looked into Juwon’s eyes, he saw the momentary panic that mixed with the burning lust deep in his iris. Dongsik’s smile was no longer wicked, it was gentle and full of love that shrouded all sense in Juwon’s mind.

Dongsik closed the distance between them and licked into Juwon’s open mouth. He still held onto his hair and used that to angle Juwon’s head for him to slide his tongue further into Juwon’s awaiting mouth and almost choke him. He wrapped his tongue around Juwon’s, sucking gently to encourage Juwon to meet him halfway. He didn’t kiss him, he breathed him in, he tangled their tongues like he was tying a knot and then wrapped his arms around Juwon’s shoulders, pulling him closer and closer. 

Somehow Dongsik managed to straddle Juwon’s lap without pulling away from his mouth, he sucked on his tongue a little harder as his hips came into contact with Juwon’s stomach. The taller man pressed his chest into the base of Dongsik’s ribs, overwhelmed by their bodies touching in so many places. He felt like he was high on drugs, his brain was cloudy and all he could feel or think about was Dongsik. 

“Dongsik-ah,” he panted. The older man tangled his hands into his hair and gripped tightly, tugging Juwon’s head back so he could kiss down the line of his jugular, his warm breath tickling behind his ears.

Juwon felt like he was going to black out if he didn’t get Dongsik’s clothes off of him now, he was desperate for the touch of skin and he craved it deep in his blood. He moved to pull at the hem of his tank top, he tried to pull it up and off but Dongsik wouldn’t pull away from his throat. He whined in frustration.

“Hyung!”

Dongsik pulled away laughing. “What’s the matter, my Juwon?”

“Please,” Juwon whispered. His eyes were pleading with Dongsik and he looked up at him, it would have been pathetic if it didn’t make Dongsik’s heart beat faster. 

“Let’s get off the floor. You may be young, but I am not.”

Juwon allowed Dongsik to pull him to his feet and back to the bedroom, he motioned for Juwon to sit and then turned to take his time getting out of his clothes. Juwon didn’t listen. He pressed his chest to Dongsik’s back and slid his hands over his stomach, under his shirt.

A breath hissed through Dongsik’s teeth. “Juwon...”

“Let me,” he whispered, his lips moving to claim the shape of Dongsik’s ear, gently nibbling at the lobe. He slid his hands up to Dongsik’s chest, stopping to feel the swell of flesh there, his thumb catching on the man’s nipple. Dongsik groaned and his hips twitched. “I like this part of you.”

“My chest?” Dongsik laughed in between moans as Juwon rubbed his fingers in circles around Dongsik’s nipples. “Why?”

“It’s soft but firm and kind of... big,” Juwon could feel his cheeks burning as he explained. “It seems like it’s that way because you have such a big heart.”

Dongsik wheezed out another laugh. “What kind of nonsense is that?”

Juwon bit at his lip and slowly turned Dongsik around, his shirt was still pulled up to his chin, exposing his whole chest. Juwon blinked at him from behind his soft dark eyelashes. “I like it. I like that you love everyone. I like that you love me.”

The amusement in Dongsik’s eyes was soft and he pulled away to pull his shirt all the way off, discarding it onto the floor. “You do know that, right Juwon-ah? You know that I love you?”

A beat of hesitation. “Yes.”

“Good,” Dongsik kissed the corner of Juwon’s lips before watching the younger kiss down his neck and to his chest, he mouthed at the flesh, his teeth grazing his nipple. “Because I do,” he breathed. He buried one of his hands into Juwon’s hair, watching him nip and kiss down his torso. “God, I do, Juwon-ah.”

When Juwon finally met the waistband of his shorts, he stopped and looked up at the man above him. There were tears in his eyes, the praise making his heart swell and he paused to nuzzle his head into Dongsik’s other waiting palm. Juwon slipped his fingers into his waistband and tugged down, not breaking their eye contact. He leaned in and licked at the line of hair that began beneath Dongsik’s navel.

Dongsik expected him to cower away from the taste. Han Juwon, who didn’t shake the hands of strangers, who wore gloves to do his laundry and wouldn’t eat off of restaurant dishes. The same Han Juwon ran his tongue down Dongsik’s groin till he reached the base of his cock. He looked like he’d done it before, he seemed sure of himself but then he paused and licked his lips, sitting back on his heels. He blinked at Dongsik.

“Teach me.”

“What?” the older man breathed.

“Teach me how to do it.”

• -

It was well into the afternoon, past lunchtime and there was light rain that was beginning to patter against the window. The soft rap of the raindrops hitting the window and Juwon didn’t seem to even notice it. He was more focused on the man that was in his lap. Dongsik had complained about his ‘ old man body ’ and had insisted that Juwon give him time between orgasms and yet here he was, riding Juwon to the point of insanity. And he had just cum not even ten minutes previously.

“Dongsik,” Juwon panted. He said his name like an incantation, like he was trying to cast a spell, trying to share whatever magic Dongsik had put on him to make him feel like this. What he didn’t realize was that Dongsik was hardly mentally present, he was beside himself with pleasure and all he could do was watch Juwon and listen to him plead. “Go slower, Dongsik, please. I don’t want to cum yet.”

Juwon grabbed the man’s hips and slowed him down himself, holding him steady on the pull out so that his cock dragged and rubbed against Dongsik’s insides. He felt the older man quiver at this, the anticipation that came with slowing down was tearing his sanity apart at the seams and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could last.

In an effort to drag this moment out, Juwon reached down and gripped the base of Dongsik’s cock, staving off his orgasm for now. He could feel the irritation radiate off of Dongsik’s skin and the man reached out to grab Juwon’s shoulder for balance, he miscalculated and gripped the base of his throat. Juwon’s eyes widened and he met Dongsik’s gaze, the fire that was lit inside of him was apparent and his eyes glassed over slightly.

“Do you...?” Dongsik’s voice died in his throat as he sank back down. He tried again. “Do you want that?”

Words would make it too real, words would personify this need that Juwon felt, the need for Dongsik to be uncontrollable, the need to be controlled by Dongsik, the need to feel the pain that he had accused Dongsik of inflicting on others when they’d first met. He wanted it badly. So he shut his eyes and nodded. 

“Can you say it?”

He shook his head.

“That’s okay. You’re doing good,” Dongsik praised, using both hands to cup Juwon’s face and bringing him close to kiss him on the lips. He then moved to grip Juwon’s throat and the other hand moved to his shoulder, using it for balance. “You’re so good, my Juwon.”

Juwon’s orgasm rushed over him in an uncontrollable wave, feeling the way Dongsik clenched around him as he bounced in his lap, it was too much for him and he gasped out as he came. Dongsik followed shortly after, whimpering Juwon’s name and then collapsing into his arms. His face was pressed to Juwon’s sternum and his hands clutched his biceps.

“Dongsik hyung,” Juwon whispered as he leaned back into the pillows at the head of the bed, bringing Dongsik with him. They rested against the headboard now, Dongsik cradled against Juwon's chest, being held like he was dear to him. And oh how he was.

“Hmm?”

“My Dongsik.”

“Yes, my Juwon?”

Juwon smiled to himself, his eyes were still shut and he wanted to keep them that way for a moment. He wanted to preserve this feeling, the feeling of Dongsik in his arms and content and warm and safe with him. But he didn’t need to, there was no use preserving something that he was going to have many more times in the future. He could have this whenever he wanted now.

“What, Juwon?” Dongsik whispered against his chin, rubbing his hand over the soft flesh of Juwon’s stomach, giving him a tiny pinch.

“I just wanted to say it.”

“Clingy brat.”

Juwon laughed. He leaned down to kiss Dongsik’s waiting lips. He breathed in the essence of what Dongsik was and savored it. He could and would get used to this. Because he was Dongsik’s and Dongsik was his and they were going to do well from here on.