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sometimes there can be comfort in darkness; when the stars are sprinkled like glitter along the blackness or when the moon shines like the light of the sun so we do not feel afraid of the night.
there is always a consistency in the moon that is reassuring. without the moon our tides would not be the same nor our closeness to the earth.
i am thankful for the moon because it makes me feel less afraid of the endless universe.
--WHY I LOOK TO THE MOON
--
jungkook looked like a summer dream. soft, ethereal, bright. he looked as if he’d kissed the stars. the galaxies in his eyes, the soft touch of his fingertips, the gentle melody of his laughter. he appeared to have hope and joy seeping through his veins, always laughing even with cuts and bruises on his knees. his teenage years had given him some of the best years of his life. memories that were coated in gold dust, shimmering in rose pink blush and bright blues from endless days in the sunshine. living in busan sometimes created an endless summer with the ocean always in view and sand under his feet even in october. jungkook had run the length of that beach more times than he could count but it felt as though he remembered every time he had. running until his lungs spluttered from the exertion and excitement. there were always six other boys by his side. they’d been with him every day for the last seven years. no morning was spent without their laughter ringing through his ears. june had felt like a dream, like he ran down that beach without stopping. each day was spent practically on top of each other finishing exams and finally walking out at graduation.
july had crept in like an unwanted visitor. jungkook loves summer, but he hates goodbyes and this summer was the end of too many things he’d held close to his heart for years now. july came in as though they would rip all this away so carelessly and it made jungkook’s throat close up and eyes sting. there are moments in all our lives where we realise things are never going to be the same. the friends who were by your side every day, the ones you felt you could never live without, are suddenly along a different path from your own. perhaps there isn't always the time to process that this part of your life is over for good, but time really waits for no one. she is cruel and merciless and poor jungkook is just not prepared for a life without his brothers.
mono no aware
the sunlight seeped into jungkook’s room. but with the approach of dusk, the room was largely in darkness where the light couldn’t quite reach. birds danced through the sky, the evening light hitting their wings at the moments where they dipped and swerved. jungkook sat on his bed, staring outside the window trapped in a trance of worry and melancholy. this was one of the moments he really felt the end was approaching and it made him feel panicked but in a way that left him frozen. as the sun fell beyond the horizon, jungkook couldn’t even shift to turn on the lights. he simply let the room fall to darkness and closed his eyes letting the memories of the last seven years run around his head. without his brothers, what would he be? who would he become? the boys who filled him in piece by piece, how could he ever let them go? jungkook fell back onto his bed and let the tears spill out of the corner of his eyes and run down his face. he could not see his future and that scared him a lot.
eudaimonia
it was probably the hottest day of the year. the heat hung in the air which can often be suffocating, but jungkook couldn’t feel the heaviness he often did lately. he rushed out the front door into the heat that left everything feeling bright and hazy. the sky was a sharp light blue with wispy cotton clouds floating overhead. jungkook bounded through the busan streets towards the ocean. waves gently crashed onto the sand as jungkook hopped down from the promenade and sprinted towards the boys. taehyung spotted the youngest approaching and jumped up running out to greet him. they both flung themselves into each other and fell into the sand laughing and rolling around as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, though it had probably been two days.
when they went to the beach together, they would stay until dusk; when the sand would become cold under their feet and the sun would fall away painting the sky a melted orange as blues faded to black nights. they would stay until the stars came out and their laughs echoed to the horizon and beyond. jungkook’s happiest days were at the beach. running in the shallows as seokjin tried to push him into the waves. he would keep the other boy off his tail as long as he could before surrendering and letting himself be submerged in the water, emerging laughing and spluttering eyes wide from the shock of the cold. days like these, all his senses were heightened; each touch to the burning sand and hand tugging on his shirt were imprinted on his skin and mind for days after.
dustsceawung
the days of july slipped by rather quickly. jungkook leaned his forehead against his window, which was slightly ajar. he hadn’t been out in days. it was too hot. he only escaped briefly in the early morning before the midday heat the week before to meet jimin and hoseok for ice cream. they walked under the trees to keep out of sun.
have you packed yet?
not yet.
too soon i suppose. it just feels like its creeping closer by the second.
a knock on his bedroom door. jungkook turned slightly to see his mother appear, in her left hand were three flat pack boxes. she put them by his bed, stroked his cheek gently before slipping out. jungkook stared at the boxes, feeling his heart race and palms sweat. they’re only boxes, but soon they will hold all the things that line his shelves and fill his drawers. soon this room will be empty, nothing in it. not even him.
yūgen
the rain lashed down onto the gravel, thunder rumbling amongst the threatening clouds above. the seven boys were running back from where they’d been sat by the lake towards the buildings along the shore to escape the sudden downpour. but the edge of the lake was far and the storm was already above them. lightening flashed etching its sharp edges into the grey skies above.
between the rumbles and the rainfall, they laughed and yelped as the rain soaked their t shirts and pinned their hair to their cheeks. each lightning strike powered their excitement, as they tripped over their feet to get to some shelter. jungkook tailed seokjin trying not to fall behind.
another rumble of thunder sent vibrations through the ground beneath their feet and a spark of energy that ran up through jungkook’s body. he heard jimin’s laughter echo and dance through the heavy humid air, filling the gorge, vibrating across the lake that swelled from the rainfall and up into the clouds that hung low above the mountain tops. jungkook ran as fast as he could to keep up but, as though the storm had somehow caught up to him, his ankle collapsed beneath him sending him falling to the ground grazing his forearms and knees on the gravel.
saudade
dusk was the loneliest time for him. when the day melts into evening and everything feels heavy and overbearing as though nightfall will bring with it the anxieties and worries he kept at bay during the day. half-filled boxes scattered his room, empty drawers left partially open, clothes sat in piles on his bed ready to be put in suitcases. he sat at his desk staring at the photographs he’d pinned to his wall. he felt a sharp pain in his chest with each one he pulled down, a sadness threatening to consume him.
the moments where the sun fell from the sky and darkness came, moments between dreams and harsh realities, jungkook always felt he was being pulled out of the warm hazy summer days. pinks stained by dull greys and empty blues. the kwi mongs would slip out of the crack in the window as darkness fell leaving him alone with every crushing thought.
jungkook brushed his finger over yoongi’s face in the photo taehyung took on the day they’d gone to yoongi’s studio. he added it to the pile on his desk before slipping them into a book to keep them safe. jungkook held on to each memory as they swirled around his room. they danced in front of his eyes, that glistened in the dim lamp light, threatening to vanish out the open window. he clung onto them like a lifeline, even though he was drowning in each moment; running through the busan streets after school with the rain lashing down, lining the corridors up against the walls that were catching the afternoon sunlight as they confessed hushed secrets, burying yoongi under the sand until he accidently ate some, the diner where they’d spent endless late nights and lazy afternoons sharing cola and ice cream.
some chapters in our lives close before we are truly ready to let them go. instead, we must carry the memories close to our hearts torn between looking at them and truly knowing they are gone forever or simply letting them dig a cavity in our chest bit by bit until there is a hole that can never be filled because it belongs to moments that have long since passed.
what would jungkook do if the boys became memories like these too. sitting like an old photograph in his pocket that he can’t bring himself to look at.
vade mecum
the last day of august felt like a funeral procession rather than a celebration. jungkook could only get lost in the excitement for so long before his mind wandered to the day he would be leaving. just a week now and he’d be half way across the world. he no longer could justify his reasons for going to college so far way, especially when the others would all be in seoul.
he perched on the steps looking over jimin’s backyard, the others now inside as the sun had vanished behind neighbouring buildings. when jungkook pushed back the feelings of dread and leaned up to look at the clear, pale blue sky above he somewhat felt at peace. he could hear the birds that flew ahead and danced in front of the soft peach sunset that coated the horizon. he inhaled the busan air that hung lightly around him, let it fill his lungs and the memories that came with it flood his mind. he saw late nights drenched in soft pink lights, sweet drinks in summer and rolling in the grass by the river bank. he saw pink noses and rosy cheeks from the bitter cold winters that were brightened by the snow that covered the rooftops, huddling beneath the blankets with cocoa and plushies, falling asleep from the warmth and comfort of one another. he saw each boy who he’d come to love and cherish so dearly, bright smiles, laughs like sweet melodies and words that healed and comforted his wayward soul.
he felt someone sit beside him. namjoon. jungkook exhaled shakily, conflicted feelings of warmth and anxiety entwined inside him.
namjoon. i’m scared.
i know. it won’t be easy, but this winter will pass. it always does.
but it won’t be spring if none of you are there with me.
jungkook. you are bright sunlight and spring days. you have warmth and wonder deep within your soul and in your bones. you can be the light in your own darkest days and come out stronger and braver at the other side. we will always be here, beside you. but do not forget the strength in your heart.