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Charity was screaming out in pain, her entire body folded over her legs as she remained glued to the toilet. And she knew what was happening. Again. And it couldn’t be happening again.
She was so much older now, practically a whole lifetime away from everything she’d experienced in her youth, not that she’d ever forget. Yet here she was, back almost where she started.
The general crampiness of the last few days she’d assumed was the beginnings of a period, or not, as was often the case, had grown worse over the course of the day…until she couldn’t bear it any more. She’d managed to get herself into her current position before her uterus exploded. And that’s when she knew.
No one person, not even Vanessa, knew that part of the story. Because the story was already long enough, brutal enough…a miscarriage didn’t need to be included. But every year since, she’d quietly, purposefully, lit a candle. Because some things you can’t forget.
She was used to doing everything by herself in those days, so it didn’t really phase her that she was about to go through this alone. Sure, it helped that she’d necked half a bottle of vodka in the preceding two hours, which was now serving as anaesthetic and brain fog. She’d known she was pregnant, she was so skinny it was hard to miss it…but she didn’t want to be, she couldn’t be. And, thankfully, it was quick. She didn’t go to hospital after, she didn’t see the point, and could write a list of reasons why she shouldn’t. She just cleaned herself up, cleaned the bathroom up…and got on with it.
But this time was different. She was sober (although she wasn’t last night), she hadn’t known she was pregnant, and she knew this was already taking longer than the last time. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a period, but that wasn’t unusual - she was older, these things got more irregular, and she hadn’t thought anything of it. Combined with their lax attitude to contraception…she should’ve seen this coming.
She was scared. She didn’t think she’d ever felt pain like this.
And then a wave hit her, and she knew this was definitely it, that this was definitely happening. She felt the tears start to fall, not able to tell if they were from the physical or emotional pain, knowing they were likely somewhere in between. But she couldn’t think about any of it right now.
The pain subsided slightly, and she mustered every ounce of strength in her body to reach over and grab her phone from the sink. And, of course, she phoned Vanessa.
“Hey, I’m a bit bus…” Charity screamed out again, her entire body tensing. “Charity? Charity, what’s happening? Are you okay?” Vanessa couldn’t tell why she was screaming, but she knew it wasn’t good.
“Babe…babe, ple…”
“I’m on my way, hold on baby.” And she hung up just before Charity passed out.
* * *
Charity came to as she heard the latch click. “Charity? Charity!”
“Here…” it was barely a whisper, and she knew she needed to try harder. “Here!”
“Jesus, Charity, what’s…” Ness practically broke the bathroom door down as she entered, pausing to take in the sorry sight before her. Sweat was sticking Charity’s hair to her face, which was scarlet with tears and screams and… Charity looked so small, so helpless. And Vanessa, not yet knowing anything, felt her heart shatter into a million pieces for the woman she loved.
Kneeling down beside her, Vanessa peeled Charity’s fingers from around her legs, just before another wave of pain hit her, and Charity worried she might break Vanessa’s hands. And Vanessa clicked. And Charity knew Vanessa had clicked. A sob wracked Charity’s body.
“Come here, baby, it’s okay, I’ve got you, I’m here now…” Vanessa’s hands still held Charity’s own, but she moved her body so Charity could fall into her slightly, so they could share the burden. She planted soft kisses to her saturated forehead.
“I’m…so…sorry…” Charity was shaking, now, and Vanessa was getting seriously worried. But she needed to get her through this pain first.
“No, shush, don’t think like that.” Vanessa knew Charity was worried, that she felt guilty, worried Vanessa would run again. But Vanessa was going nowhere, and she needed Charity to know that. “I love you.” just three little words, and Charity’s entire body relaxed into Vanessa, who had to fight not to fall over. She won the fight. She had to be strong for her woman, now.
“Love you…” her voice was so quiet, barely even a whisper.
“Stay with me, yeah? Don’t fall asleep.” Feeling Charity’s grip loosen, Vanessa wound one hand into her hair, using the other to claim her phone.
“Uh, I need an ambulance, please.” Charity bolted upright.
“No.”
“I’m here.”
“No, please…” and she started sobbing again. And Vanessa knew there was more here, more that even she didn’t know. But she was ready. She would do whatever it took to get Charity through this. She moved her hand to Charity’s thigh, squeezing tightly, reassuring, as she rattled off details into the phone. “Ness, please, I can’t…”
“You can. I’m here. We’re going to get through this, together.”
* * *
Charity didn’t know when she passed out again, but woke up when the ambulance arrived (which, in Vanessa’s opinion, had taken far too long).
“In here!” Charity started shaking again. “Hey, there you are. Zoned out on me for a bit, you did. What happened to staying with me?”
“Ms Dingle? It’s paramedics, can we come in?”
“Ness…”
“Charity?”
“Ness, it’s…it’s…”
“Just give us a minute, please!” Vanessa repositioned herself so she was directly in front of Charity, their foreheads resting against each other, hands braced for what they both knew was coming. “You are so, so brave and I am so proud of you. Don’t think about it, don’t think about any of this. You’ve got this. We’re getting through this.” And Charity pushed. And they both sobbed. And then it was done.
Vanessa lay a towel across the floor, helping Charity to lie down on it and removing the clothes still wrapped around her ankles. She covered her hips with another towel. And then she let the paramedics enter.
The rest was a blur, for them both. Paramedics said a lot of things, but none of it was important right now. All that mattered was that Charity was okay.
She was pale. So, so pale. And Vanessa was so worried about blood loss, about getting her a transfusion, making sure there hadn’t been any damage…
But Charity grabbed her hand. And she remembered, she wasn’t on medical duties right now. She was here to support. And that’s what she did.
She held her hand for the whole ambulance ride, all the way through the hospital, even once she’d fallen asleep again and they were hooking up her transfusion. Charity woke with Vanessa’s head resting on her shoulder, and she curled into the contact as much as her broken body would allow her.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”
“And the same back at you. You’re sounding better?”
“Yeah, I feel it, a bit.”
“Good.”
“Ness…”
“Don’t say it again. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. And once you’ve had some time, you’ll be able to see that, too.”
“But…how could I not have known? I should have known, I should have seen the signs, I…I did know. Babe, last time…I…”
“You were, I’m guessing, a child? Half starved and living on more booze than food?” Charity’s eyes filled with tears, and Vanessa knew this was just another page in that chapter of Charity’s life that she’d never been able to read back over. “This is so, so different from that. And you’re not to blame yourself, not for any of it, you hear me? You weren’t to know. This isn’t your fault.”
“How…how far…”
“I’m not sure, I’ve not been paying much attention. But we can find out?”
“No…no, I…I don’t think I want to know.”
“That’s okay.” Tears we’re streaming down her cheeks again, and Vanessa wiped them away softly, ignoring the ones beginning to fall from her own eyes. And they giggled at each other. Because this shouldn’t be easy, it wasn’t easy. But this bit of it, of them being in each other’s presence, holding each other…it was easy. Somehow, it was still easy.
Maybe for other couples, a lingering baby from a past relationship would’ve been a dealbreaker. But not for this pair, no. They’d been through so much together, much more than a poor, tiny baby could break. It made them stronger, brought them closer together. Because they knew how much the other meant to them. And nothing could ever change that.