Archive of Our Own

Yoongi watches outside the car window, his head abandoned on the car seat and turned to the side, his beanie pushed on his forehead even if it’s June -‘cause who says there’s a season for beanies? His eyes are empty. 

“You’re gonna like it here, Yoongi,” his uncle is saying behind the wheel, “summer has just started and there are a lot of things to do” 

Yoongi keeps his eyes on the hills outside. The scenery changed a while ago. Grey buildings faded, then the highway was left behind, and now it’s mostly green and sunshine. 

Fuckin sunshine

It’s so damn bright, it hurts his eyes. He can’t even pull a proper emo scene, looking out the car window as raindrops trail down the glass as if they were tears, and a sad 90s song in the background. 

But no- it has to be insanely sunny, as if the sky was telling him how much he looks blue and grey. 

“And you can take your time to think about the future,” his uncle goes on, “only thing you have to do is go to the weekly appointments as we agreed, the rest of the time is yours” 

As we agreed

Yoongi draws his gaze down and looks at the bandages on both his wrists. 

Think about the future

“Did you know that they organize boat trips to the closest island? It’s just one hour-”

Yoongi’s uncle keeps talking but Yoongi doesn’t hear him anymore. He focuses on the hills instead. 

They’re nice, he supposes. 

His uncle lives by the sea -very close to the beach actually- in a small town that gets crowded with tourists in summer. One of those places where water is a lighter shade of blue, and on clear early mornings you can see small fishes swimming around your ankles just a few meters from the shore. Where boys and girls spend their summer break from school playing beach volleyball and eating ice creams at the usual place on the main street. Where palms look greener from May to October and sunsets cast an orange and pink hue every evening. 

A little different from the suburbs where he was living until yesterday. 

Until he tried to- 

He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be anywhere really, but there’s not much he can do apparently. He did what he did, he still has to decide if he regrets it or not -or which part he regrets- and, happy or not, now he has to face the consequences. 

He sighs. It’s gonna be a long summer. 

“Oh, and I forgot to mention,” his uncle’s words catch Yoongi's attention just because the car hits a hump and he jumps in his seat, shaken from his musing, “you’re gonna share the room with Jungkook”

Jungkook

Jungkook is officially his cousin, but not really. His uncle married a woman who already had a child and he raised him as his son. More or less. Yoongi has met him only once, when they were kids, he doesn’t even remember what the occasion was. He only remembers these big doe eyes. His memory is probably distorted, but in his head it looks like they were almost too big for his small face. 

And weirdly enough, he also remembers that Jungkook’s three years younger than him. So he should be turning 18 this year. 

“The only other room available was the attic, but we haven’t had time to prepare it for you,” (read like: this stupid thing you did was sudden and unexpected, what were you thinking? -but maybe it’s only in Yoongi’s head), “and we also thought that having a roommate could do you some good”

Sure

He has always lived with his mother until the other day, has spent the last four years of his life out of his house 20 hours a day, had his life and privacy and independence. And now he finds himself having to share a room with a teenager who’s technically his cousin but who he doesn’t even know. It will surely cure him. 

“Jungkook’s a great kiddo,” his uncle is saying as he shoots some glances at Yoongi while driving, “I’m sure you’re gonna get along. There’s only one thing you need to know about him… he- he doesn’t talk. It’s been about a year now, and he hasn’t said a word. We saw some doctors, but he just won’t speak… but besides that, he’s fine!” 

Yoongi turns to the window again and closes his eyes. 

Great 

The house is very nice, Yoongi supposes. It’s in a quiet small street that leads to the beach, and there are kids' voices laughing somewhere nearby. 

They leave the car in the garage and Yoongi takes his only bag from the trunk before following his uncle inside. He gives him a quick tour of the house and then leads him to what will be his room for the summer - at least for the summer, that depends on him. 

“Jungkook!” His uncle shouts while knocking a couple of times on the wooden door, “your cousin’s here!” 

He opens the door and Yoongi’s eyes take in the room. It’s spacious enough for two beds and a couple of meters between them. There’s a messy bookshelf on the right, a closet on the left, a desk, just as messy, and posters covering part of the walls. Yoongi recognizes a few bands. 

“Jungkook, please help Yoongi unpack and feel at home. I’ll leave you guys some time to get to know each other. Dinner’s at 8” 

Yoongi’s uncle nods once to him, then takes two steps backwards and closes the door. 

Yoongi sighs. He scans the room one more time, then his eyes land on Jungkook. 

The boy’s lying on his bed, a book in his hands. And well- he’s not the little kid Yoongi remembers anymore. 

He’s- quite fine. Yoongi supposes . 

But at the moment he’s looking at Yoongi warily, eyes still and narrow, as if he was waiting to be attacked any second. His jaw is clenched and he doesn’t look in the mood to help Yoongi feel at home . 

Great. Going great 

Yoongi leaves the bag on the ground and plops on the bed; he sits facing Jungkook’s bed. The boy just follows his movements. 

Yoongi stares back at him for a bunch of seconds. Then he says “do you know where I can buy weed in this shithole of a town?” 

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change a single inch. Then he turns on his side and gives his back to Yoongi. 

Yoongi rolls his eyes and throws his body backwards. His back hits the mattress but his feet remain on the ground, laying sideways on his bed. 

A very long summer  

~

He spends the first few days trying to accept the fact that this is what he has to go along with, at least for a while. That this is what he deserves . He’s tired and he feels out of it, out of everything. He decides to just let the world drag him behind itself and float in self loathing. 

At least for a while.

Would have been another moment of his life, he would have probably tried to fight against all of this. His uncle, the appointments, the group therapy, the room. Jungkook.

But would have been another moment of his life, he probably wouldn’t have done what he did. 

However, now there’s a Jungkook that every night stares at him here and there as they have dinner with his uncle and aunt. His eyes have changed though. He doesn’t look welcoming, but he doesn’t look like he wants to murder him in his sleep either. 

Which is already something, Yoongi supposes. 

It doesn’t take long for Yoongi to notice how Jungkook spends basically all his days alone. His parents leave in the morning for work and come back for dinner. They ask them what they have done during the day, and Jungkook’s reply is always the same. Silence. 

Yoongi finds out that living with a person that doesn’t talk doesn’t bother him. 

He sees Jungkook reading in different parts of the house; sometimes he’s just staring out of a window, sitting on a big windowsill, his arms loosely hugging his legs, knees to his chest. Yoongi can’t see his face, but he wonders if his eyes look as empty as his own. 

Jungkook’s eyes are still big, but everything else got bigger. Everything actually looks pretty- proportionate. Jungkook is tall, still has a baby face sometimes, but also that hint of end-of-puberty trying to take space already. His black hair is often a little ruffled on his forehead, and Yoongi can’t decide if it makes him look younger or older. 

It makes him look cute for sure, Yoongi- Yoongi only supposes, ‘cause that’s really something he shouldn’t think about. 

Then almost everyday Jungkook disappears in the late afternoon and reappears for dinner. Yoongi doesn’t know where he goes. 

Not that he cares much. 

One afternoon, during Jungkook’s disappearing time, Yoongi decides to take a look at the messy library in his- their room. 

There are all sorts of books. Yoongi takes one randomly and opens it. Some parts are underlined. Jungkook must like them apparently. 

Yoongi realizes he has picked a book of poems. He reads a poem whose title and last line are underlined. 

Self-Blame

I can’t deny this is all my fault. I have no one else to blame for my life falling to pieces. But let me ask you this: is pain any less valid when it is self-inflicted? 

Doesn’t it hurt just as much?

Yoongi’s eyes remain on the last question for a few more seconds. His index finger traces the straight line under it. 

Doesn’t it hurt just as much?

Yoongi closes the book and puts it back. After more or less ten seconds he hears some steps down the corridor, and then Jungkook is entering the room. 

That night, at the dinner table, Jungkook’s eyes on Yoongi are curious. 

~

Yoongi’s been there for exactly two weeks when he has a couple of his days. He simply doesn’t get up from his bed. He only manages to go to the bathroom and get some junk food on his way back. Then he pulls the covers over his head and tries to forget about his life again. 

On the third night, he comes back from the bathroom to find a book on his bed. He picks it up. 

海うそ The lies of the sea

Yoongi turns to Jungkook’s bed, but the boy is giving him his back, and looks like he’s sleeping. 

Yoongi gets under the bedsheets from head to toe, taking with him the book and the small lamp from the nightstand. He opens it. There’s a note on the first page.

if you’re gonna spend your time like that at least read something 

Yoongi would like to eye Jungkook again but he knows the boy will be turned the other way and it would be useless anyway. So he remains with his head under the covers. And the book. And the lamp. 

He reads it all during the night. 

The next morning Jungkook is not at home. Yoongi eats something at noon -when he eventually climbs out of bed and takes a shower- and then leaves to wander around town. 

They’re both back for dinner. 

And Jungkook is kinda- avoiding to look at Yoongi. He doesn’t really know why. 

At night Yoongi lays on his bed, eyes open and studying the soft light coming from the window and casting on the ceiling over his head. It makes him think of the book Jungkook gave him. 

The note he left on the first page. The parts Jungkook underlined when he read it. 

“Hey, thanks- thanks for the book,” he hears his voice saying in a low tone.

It sounds weird in the darkness; he somewhat feels like he’s in a dream. Maybe Jungkook is already asleep.

“I liked it a lot”

He hears bed sheets rustling, and when he turns, Jungkook is laying on his back as well, watching him. Then he tears his eyes away and stares at the ceiling, as if he was imitating Yoongi. 

“It was very poetic in a way,” Yoongi trails the moonlight on the walls some more, and thinks about the book some more. 

“I loved the way sceneries were described, I could imagine them. The lake, the mountains… and the sea”

When he pauses, he can almost hear Jungkook’s breath. 

“And that passage about the rain, I read it a few times actually”

Yoongi waits a few seconds. He wonders for a moment what Jungkook’s thinking. He wonders if he can talk about the underlined parts, if it’s too personal. As if they were a secret between him and Jungkook and talking about them out loud would embarrass Jungkook. Or both of them. 

Ah, fuck it.

“And remember the sentence about time? You underlined it… it’s stuck in my head,” Yoongi reads it in that tile of moonlight decorating the ceiling in front of his eyes. 

“We lose something everyday, but time gets stored inside us, nourishing memories and knowledge”

Yoongi leaves it hanging for a bunch of seconds. Then he says “I wonder if what I gained really is knowledge” 

He hears Jungkook’s breath missing its rhythm. 

“Good night. Thanks for the book”

The next night there’s another book on his bed when he comes back from the kitchen. 

Norwegian Wood

“I liked the book you gave me,” Yoongi says to the dark around him. 

The scene is like the one from two nights ago. The moon on the ceiling, Yoongi laying on the bed on his back, his words spoken in a low tone in the air, and the images from the book finished at dawn still crowding his head. 

But this time Jungkook is watching him the whole time. Deliberately. 

His head on the pillow, he stares at him as Yoongi looks to the space between him and the ceiling. 

“Toru was so miserable,” Yoongi goes, “the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing, where he was going… always feeling out of place”

Yoongi exhales. 

“I felt that. You’ll say it’s such a clichè, and it is. But the way he wrote about it… yeah, I felt it” 

Yoongi’s eyes are musing on the moonlight again; tonight the shape it forms on the wall is different. It’s also a bit more faded, maybe there are some clouds in the sky. 

“I also found myself in the fact that he thinks that writing can keep his life together-” 

Why is he even saying these things to Jungkook? He never told such things to anybody. 

Well- not that he had read a book (or such a book) in a while. Jungkook probably doesn’t even care. 

But when Yoongi turns to the side for a moment, there are two big eyes focused on his words. On him. 

In the little light Jungkook actually looks so young, his eyes too big to be- to be real. 

“And I liked- I liked the scene when he hugs Midori under the rain… it’s- nice to get hugged under the rain, at least tears get washed away” 

Yoongi stops and thinks that he has definitely gone crazy. 

Or maybe he became lame. Which is even worse. 

Yoongi doesn’t say anything for a long while. When he turns, Jungkook seems to be asleep, still turned towards him. 

~

“So Yoongi, how is it going with the group therapy?” Yoongi’s uncle says out of the blue at dinner. 

He smiles at Yoongi as if he asked an 8 years old about school. Which is- fine . Whatever. The fact is that Yoongi thinks he doesn’t really care about how Yoongi’s doing. After what Yoongi did, his mother was assessed as unable to help him, and he could either choose to give up on his freedom this way or go to an institute. And Yoongi’s uncle doesn’t even care about leaving Jungkook alone all day long, how could he care about Yoongi? 

Not that Yoongi is entitled to judge anyway.

Yoongi tilts his brows. “Hmm, I really like the concept. Apparently more suicidal emo weirdos will help me get better,” Yoongi nods to the chicken in his plate, “isn’t that amazing?” 

“You- you shouldn’t see it like that-” 

His uncle starts to say something about solidarity and other experiences and recovery, and so many words, but Yoongi is not listening to him. 

He’s looking at Jungkook through his lashes. 

The boy’s head is drawn down towards his food, but Yoongi catches it anyway. 

The smallest grin on his lips. 

“And you, Jungkook?” Yoongi hears his uncle say, “have you thought about what you want to do for your eighteenth birthday in September? Wanna invite some friends over?” 

Yoongi’s eyes are still focused on Jungkook; he can see how the boy’s expression changes into something serious all of a sudden. He grows a little stiff, and there’s the slightest shrug in his shoulders. 

“Well, you still have time,” Yoongi’s uncle smiles in that annoying way.

Hell, this man really knows nothing about Jungkook, huh? 

The days pass slowly at the house. Yoongi starts to read the books Jungkook leaves on his bed a bit more slowly, just so that he can linger on them longer. He keeps finding himself thinking that he would have underlined the same sentences Jungkook underlined while reading the book before him. 

When he stumbles upon a sentence he wouldn’t have underlined, he kinda wants to ask Jungkook about it. But he knows he wouldn’t receive an answer. 

As soon as he finishes a book, he talks about it in their room at night. 

He talks about it with Jungkook. 

Sometimes he lays on his bed, sometimes he’s sitting on it, sometimes he sits on the floor and looks at Jungkook here and there as he explains his thoughts. They start to take up more time. 

Jungkook usually mirrors him. And he listens carefully to every single word coming out of his mouth. His eyes never leave Yoongi; sometimes his fingers fiddle with his lips, and he looks like he’s pondering a thought. Yoongi almost believes he’s actually going to say something. But he doesn’t. 

Yoongi feels- weird on those nights. Nobody had listened to him like that in a long time. Once he bids goodnight to Jungkook and stares at the moonlight on the ceiling some more, he wonders if he was even talking with someone when he was in Daegu. Really talking.

‘Cause Jungkook may not speak, but it feels so good talking to him. 

On a Thursday night he finds the fifth book on his bed, but Jungkook is not there this time. 

White Nights

After the one in the first book he left, Jungkook hasn’t written notes in the other books. 

But for whatever reason, Yoongi has been checking every first page of the books anyway. And his heart does something silly in his chest when he finds a line on this one. 

i like listening to your voice

Damn, he’s fucked. 

~

Today Yoongi’s head is too heavy. So he does something he used to do when he was younger. He just walks. He walks up and down the whole town, walks until his legs go a little numb and his earbuds run out of battery, while his thoughts get blown away from his head with the wind. Or at least that’s what he tries to picture. He just keeps going aimlessly. Simply because sometimes it’s better than staying still. 

After some time he reaches the beach. It’s already late afternoon and his feet seem to wake up a bit because of the change in the ground under them. He must have blisters on one toe but he can’t tell which one. 

He’s been walking on the beach for a few minutes when he spots Jungkook near the woods where the beach fades into, walking as well. And suddenly Yoongi thinks that he looks like Toru from Norwegian Wood. 

Jungkook turns around once Yoongi is close and- well, there’s that something on his lips Yoongi can’t really understand if Jungkook is holding back or what. Or if maybe he’s just imagining it. 

“Hey,” Yoongi tilts his chin in the boy’s direction, “can I be miserable on the beach with you?”

Jungkook just stares at him, and Yoongi tries to read his face as the books the boy’s been leaving to him. There’s some confusion, wiped out almost right away by curiosity, and maybe a little bit of warmth but Yoongi wants to be very careful. And then there’s that something on his lips. It reminds of the ghost of a smile but- again, Yoongi doesn’t wanna misinterpret. 

What he has no doubt about it’s that he doesn’t see rejection. Or unease. 

Jungkook nods once, slowly, keeping those big eyes on Yoongi’s face. Then he starts to walk again. 

They walk one next to the other for a while, without saying a word. And it feels so calming. Yoongi notices that staying near Jungkook is- soothing , that’s the word that comes to his mind. Sand melts under his feet and the thoughts he had earlier seem to get lost among the grains. 

There are some clouds today, and the wind is suggesting that it’s gonna rain later. It smells like salty water and humid summer. There are still a few hours left before sunset, but it already sounds like a comforting night. Maybe it’s the smell of rain. 

They get home, still enjoying each other’s company and just the sound of their feet on the ground. When they reach the porch, Yoongi’s uncle and Jungkook’s mum can be heard arguing inside. Yoongi sees a wrinkle between Jungkook’s eyebrows. 

“Wanna- wanna sit here for a while?” Yoongi asks him. 

Jungkook nods and they sit on the porch. The night is closer now, the moon is already in the sky like a lighthouse for lost sailors. Yoongi feels like a lost sailor. Following the moon, waiting for it to pull the blanket of stars over his head. 

When he turns, Jungkook is looking at him. That damn something on his lips is still there. They twitch, ever so slightly, and Jungkook buries his head down to hide it. 

Is it a-

“What?” Yoongi asks. 

Jungkook draws his head back up. They’re sitting close, their shoulders brushing one against the other. A strand of hair curls behind Jungkook’s ear in a way that reminds Yoongi of a tide and his chest is going up and down a little faster and he can’t really do much about it. 

From here he can see Jungkook’s nose (why is he noticing only now how cute it is), and part of his lips, and something inside him tells him to look away but he really can’t. So fuck it.

And Jungkook’s looking at- he’s looking at his wrists. 

Yoongi is still wearing a thin layer of bandage. Probably ‘cause he still doesn’t wanna see them all the time. 

Jungkook reaches out and takes one of Yoongi’s wrists in his hand. His thumb strokes on the bandage carefully. Yoongi sees his mouth slightly open and his eyes drowning into Yoongi’s hand and wrist. And his thumb keeps stroking it ever so slowly, with the lightest touch, as if- as if Jungkook was afraid to break Yoongi. 

No-

Yoongi jerks his arm from Jungkook’s hand and the latter gets startled a little. He looks at Yoongi flushed and his eyes look like Yoongi remembers them. Huge. A million words spilling from them like a waterfall. 

“I’m- I’m sorry,” Yoongi says, looking down, “it’s alright. I’m just not- I don’t want you to think about that stupid thing I did” 

Jungkook is still looking at him with all those words in his eyes, but Yoongi can’t look at him. 

Yoongi closes his eyes and tries to breathe deeply. 

It really is alright

It notices that those two in the kitchen have stopped screaming at each other. He hears some birds, kids voices somewhere. Peace is somewhat restored. 

Then the door gets opened abruptly. 

“Oh, here you are,” Yoongi’s uncle says merrily, “dinner’s ready guys”

Yoongi gets up and leaves Jungkook on the porch. 

~

During the day, when they’re alone at home, they usually don’t eat together. They have been living together for a few weeks now, and this is like a silent agreement, in which each of them provides for his own food and doesn’t think about the other one. 

Except that one morning Yoongi gets up late and while walking to the kitchen he sees Jungkook’s figure through the living room’s window . He’s reading on the porch, a gentle sea breeze messing with his hair, his hand trying to move his bangs away from his eyes, these narrowing ever so slightly in front of the pages, his bottom lip getting trapped between his teeth over and over again, his chest going- why on earth is he staring so much

Damn, get a fuckin grip Yoongi

He heads to the kitchen and takes the eggs box from the fridge. He picks two eggs and starts to put the box back. Then he stops. 

Yoongi stares at the box and sighs. 

“Hey,” he says even before sticking his head out of the front door. 

Jungkook snaps to him, his bottom lip slowly slipping away from his teeth as if he forgot he was chewing on it but was now distracted by something else. Yoongi wishes he wasn’t so aware of it. 

“Do you want eggs?” He asks abruptly. “Scrambled- scrambled eggs. I’m making them for myself and I figured- do you want ‘em?” 

And for the love of god, why does Jungkook have to make that doe-eyed-somewhat-surprised face every time Yoongi asks him something. He can’t go on like this. 

Finally, Jungkook nods, closing his book, and Yoongi feels allowed to rush back into the kitchen and muse on his internal crisis while making these stupid eggs.

Jungkook enters not even a minute later and he sits on the other side of the counter in front of the stove. 

In front of Yoongi. 

And he watches him working, his eyes looking exactly as when he listens to him talking about books at night. It almost seems like he’s trying to understand something. As if he was studying a new animal species. 

That’s exactly how Yoongi feels. 

He glances at the boy here and there and- fuck

Has he never seen someone making eggs? Maybe not scrambled eggs. The scrambled part could apparently determine Yoongi’s life or death. 

Why is he even having a whole breakdown about eggs? 

A grip. A fuckin grip, Yoongi

“Here,” Yoongi puts the plate on the counter once he’s done, “I may have put too much pepper, don’t know if you- if you like it,” his eyes trail on Jungkook’s arms as he takes some eggs. 

“I haven’t even asked you- whatever, you can leave them if you don’t like ‘em,” he mutters and swears at himself internally. 

Jungkook tries a spoonful and looks at Yoongi. 

And- fuckin hell

He’s smiling. He’s smiling and he’s smiling in the sense that there’s a smile on his face, corners of his mouth tilted up, cheeks slightly fuller and eyes turning into two crescents. There’s the whole package and Yoongi forgets he has to breathe to stay alive for a few seconds. 

That’s all the span of time in which he can see it, ‘cause then Jungkook is quickly ducking his head down to hide whatever miracle was going on on his face. 

But it’s too late. 

Yoongi’s fucked. 

And all for some scrambled eggs. What a joke his life is, huh. 

~

There’s a piano in the house, and Yoongi has been looking at it for a while now. He doesn’t have the courage to play it ‘cause he hasn’t done it for so long, and playing the piano is part of his past, of his life before. Before everything started to rot away. And through the years he has buried that part meticulously, scared to death to resume something from it. 

But the piano stands there in the living room, his presence looming on him every day. 

And one night Yoongi can’t sleep -as 90% of his nights- so he thinks fuck it

The darkness of the night seems safe enough to at least get near it. 

He does it slowly, steps beside it first, touches the top part, tastes the smoothness and coldness of the wood under his fingertips. The house is dead silent and the air feels so weightless all of a sudden. The only light comes from the big window next to the front door. Half of the piano bathes in the dim illumination of a street lamp. 

Then Yoongi finally takes the courage to sit on the stool. He exhales, eyes closed. His hands draw up almost unconsciously, suddenly cold and nervous. 

As if it was his first time touching someone else’s skin. 

As if it was his first time touching- 

The keys feel so amazing under his fingertips. The sensation is familiar, warming his hands and arms in his veins. Much to his surprise, he doesn’t have a bad feeling about it. The years haven’t touched the good memories about his piano. His old piano. He wonders if his mother sold it after he-

A memory that’s probably engraved in his limbs starts to make them move on their own. And Yoongi's playing the piano. It’s a melody he didn’t even remember before, it’s been so many years, so many sleepless nights thinking about what if. Thinking about what then. Thinking about forgetting.

But now it’s there, in his ears, in his mind, in his fingers. And it feels so good. 

He feels so good.

Then suddenly his uncle and aunt come down the stairs and the moment’s over. And even in a very inconvenient way. He gets scolded for playing the piano at 4am, obviously. 

The next day there’s a note on the first page of a book Jungkook left on his bed. 

i wanna listen to you playing the piano again

Oh-

~

Silent walks on the beach have become another of their silent agreements. It doesn’t happen every single day. But almost. 

Sometimes Yoongi comes back from town and finds Jungkook already on the beach; sometimes Jungkook looks for him around the house and just stands there, waiting. Yoongi mutters an alright, and gets up. 

Today the sea is so flat, it almost looks like a lake. The water is turquoise as it reflects into Jungkook’s deep black eyes. Families and groups of teenagers are leaving after a day of sunbathing and swimming. 

Yoongi feels somewhat out of place in his jeans and oversized t-shirt, which sleeves cover half of his pale arms. But Jungkook is wearing all black and basically looks like a goth from the 90s, so he guesses that at least they’re looking weird together. 

They walk as the sun starts to set on the lake-like sea, the sky beginning to turn a different shade of blue and changing the hue of the water with it, as one of those color switching lights. The clouds are pink now, and the wind fiddles with Jungkook’s hair. Yoongi wonders if it smells like the sea. 

They walk until the woods take more beach and form a sort of small bay. The sand seems so soft under their feet, and suddenly Yoongi wants to lay on it. So he just does it. 

He stops and lays on his back, arms open wide and a subtle grin. Just ‘cause he feels like it. 

Jungkook stands there for a couple of minutes, he’s watching the horizon. Then he squats down, and a second later he lays next to Yoongi, his head resting on Yoongi’s arm. 

Huh

Yoongi tries to not give it much importance. It’s just- Jungkook’s head fits and Yoongi’s arm is probably more comfortable than the sand. So what? 

Nothing major

Yoongi exhales deeply and Jungkook looks at him for a moment. Then turns to the sky again. 

“Today at group therapy a guy said that when he’s spiraling, he goes to the beach and lays down on his back looking at the sky. He said that it makes him feel like he’s small, so his thoughts are small and less important than how his mind is trying to make him believe”

Yoongi doesn’t know why he’s telling this to Jungkook. 

“Do you feel small? I don’t feel much small” 

Jungkook moves his head a little, but he remains on Yoongi’s arm. 

“Life is weird. So very weird” 

Yoongi trails the pink clouds above their heads, wonders if Jungkook likes them too. Wonders if someone has ever taken a walk with Jungkook since he stopped talking. 

Wonders if Jungkook likes walking with him the way he does. 

“And the sky. The sky is also weird,” he whispers. 

It’s been about a month since he’s arrived, and Yoongi has stopped questioning if Jungkook is listening to him. He knows he does all the time, whatever shit he’s saying. For how crazy it may sound. 

“What-” Yoongi starts, but his voice is dense and hesitant. He doesn’t know if he should. Well, he doesn’t know if it makes any sense. 

“What would it take to make you speak again?” He’s whispering again. He thinks that his voice is getting swept away by the wind and a little part of him even hopes that Jungkook hasn’t heard. He waits. Breathes in the wind that’s still carrying his words, making them swirl around them like a mockery. 

He feels Jungkook’s head shifting and he knows the boy is looking at him. 

He turns too and their eyes meet, so black and heavy he feels like he’s drifting. And Jungkook looks like he’s searching for the answer on Yoongi’s face. 

And damn, now Yoongi can’t stop his mind from thinking that he looks beautiful. Not really. Jungkook looks more beautiful than the fuckin sunset playing over their feet, and more beautiful than those stupidly cute pink clouds, and more beautiful than the water surface reflecting all of this like a renaissance painting. 

Jungkook looks like something new and absolutely breathtaking, and Yoongi feels overwhelmed. 

He turns back to the sky before he has the chance of making a fool of himself while laying on the beach with a seventeen year old as if they were in a rom-com for teenagers. 

That night Yoongi talks about a book called Maurice while they’re laying in their beds. Jungkook hasn’t given it to him, but Yoongi read it years ago and it left an impression on him. 

“I would give it to you if I still had it,” Yoongi says in the end and then pauses. 

His eyes trail the moonlight shapes on the ceiling but he’s thinking about Jungkook’s face painted pink on the beach. He’s about to bid him goodnight when he hears the boy getting up. 

Jungkook simply walks to his bed and curls up beside him, heads on Yoongi’s arm that was resting on the pillow, eyes shut a few inches from Yoongi’s face. 

And Yoongi stops thinking and just admires. 

Jungkook’s face is all shadows and it makes his features sharper, and Yoongi shuts down everything else to listen to the sound of Jungkook’s breathing only. 

Time stops in their untidied room at night, when Yoongi talks about books; but tonight it happens a little more. Frozen moonlight doesn’t dare to change position on the walls -or maybe it does but Yoongi’s not looking- and Jungkook’s breath slows down gradually, and Yoongi feels like the tiniest wave is pulling him under a blanket of seawater. 

When he closes his eyes after what could have been ten minutes or two hours, he sees pink clouds and Jungkook’s ruffled hair.

~

“Hey, gotta something to do today?” Yoongi tells Jungkook as they’re eating scrambled eggs at the kitchen counter. “Let’s go somewhere”

Yoongi woke up surprisingly early today. He has no idea why since he fell asleep at the usual 4am. But there he was like a normal person, all that sunshine in the morning and a long day ahead. And obviously today he has nothing to do at home or in town, no therapy sessions, no hanging out with other weirdos. Nothing. 

It’s only 1pm and he doesn’t really know what to do with his life. 

“There’s another car in the garage right?” He says to a puzzled Jungkook, “I can drive. I’m sick of this place” 

Half an hour later they’re on the road without a destination and some mellow Ayano Kaneko's song playing on the radio that makes it feel like a sort of road trip. Jungkook has this ecstatic and dazed expression and keeps glancing at Yoongi with a grin, and Yoongi has to stay very focused to not tear his eyes apart from the road and let them die in a car accident. 

The sunshine is still too bright for Yoongi’s liking, but it seems less threatening now. Somehow.

Yoongi drives away from the sea, and after a while decides to stop by in a village just because he finds a parking spot. They walk a little through the narrow alleys -it’s a sort of medieval village, all stone walls and small doors- and then enter a cafè. 

Yoongi tells Jungkook to order what he wants and the boy points at something on the menu as the waitress nods and smiles. Five minutes later she comes back with the biggest milkshake Yoongi’s ever seen. The scent of banana can probably be smelled in a 5 meter radius, and the montruosity is topped with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles that look like they’re spilling over. 

“Woah,” Yoongi tilts his brows, “are you gonna eat that thing alone?” 

Jungkook grins -and yes, Yoongi still needs to get used to it- and nods. He dives in the whipped cream as Yoongi sips his iced coffee. Then he pushes it towards Yoongi, smiling. 

Yoongi stares at the milkshakes with a blank expression, then looks at Jungkook’s smile. But it doesn’t really help his brain send signals to his body. Jungkook nods once and Yoongi finally grabs a spoon and tries it. Jungkook imitates him, and suddenly Yoongi’s point of view shifts and he acknowledges that they’re basically sharing a milkshake in a random cafè with cute furniture and chill music. 

Apparently it’s a rom-com set in the 50s. 

When they get out, Jungkook spots a cat down the alley and instantly goes after it. The alley runs alongside the back of a church, just meters away from the cafè, and the sun is blocked by the buildings around. 

Jungkook squats down to pet the cat, a friendly three-colored cat who starts to purr right away and rolls on the ground over and over again. Yoongi enjoys the scene while leaning on the wall next to Jungkook. 

Then Jungkook’s eyes shoot up to him and his hand stops. The cat slips aways, but neither of them pay attention to it anymore. Jungkook stands up, without leaving Yoongi’s eyes. And he- gets closer to him. 

Yoongi’s heart is already accelerating before he can register it and Jungkook is so close he’s basically caging him to the stone wall. Yoongi’s mind shuts down. All he can see are Jungkook’s deep dense eyes on him, his lips, that he keeps tormenting with his teeth and tongue, the small mole on his chin that he’s only now noticing and that absolutely randomly sends him down a spiral. Jungkook’s bangs waves over his eyebrows and Yoongi’s losing his mind. 

Going insane, freaking out, panicking, all of them. 

He’s probably not breathing, but that’s not a problem ‘cause he’s sure he’s about to pass out any minute anyway. 

Jungkook is now staring at his lips with a strange light in his eyes, and Yoongi feels all sorts of things. He wants to grab Jungkook’s hips and just crash his whole body against his, he wants to run his hands up his back and then curl his fingers through his hair, he wants to kiss every inch of that insanely gorgeous face and then start all over again. 

At the same time he’s dying to be pinned against this wall by Jungkook and just let him take whatever he wants, baring his neck to let Jungkook drink his skin, let him slip his hands on the small of his back to make their hips meet, unseal his mouth and letting Jungkook breathe his air. 

Jungkook’s eyes are still lost on his lips, his face so close Yoongi can see every pore, when he feels the lightest touch on his forearm. 

Then the door of the cafè slams open and a bunch of teenagers’ voices fill the alley. Jungkook seems like waking up from a daydream and he steps back almost tripping on his feet and miraculously not falling down. 

Yoongi swallows and really tries to breathe again or at least not look like he just saw a ghost. 

He clears his throat, “we should- huh, we should go, before your parents come back and discover we took the car”

Jungkook nods absentmindedly and Yoongi gathers all his strength to get off the wall and move his legs. 

He’s so monumentally fucked he can’t even believe it. 

On the drive home Jungkook doesn’t glance at him anymore. Which Yoongi really thanks him for. 

His mind is a puddle of thoughts. What was that? What are they doing? Are they even doing something? Jungkook is supposed to be his cousin for fuck’s sake. 

But then- is he even his cousin? They’re not related by blood after all and they haven’t seen each other in years and- 

And they’re two fuckups and this is a whole mess. 

Or would be. 

Yoongi keeps blinking at the road in front of him so as to grip on reality and bring them home at least. This fuckin bright sunshine doesn’t give him a break today, melting the concrete without leaving a single inch of shelter to his squinting eyes.

The fact is that at night it’s easier. When Jungkook climbs on his bed and silently settles against his warmth -which, for some reason Yoongi doesn’t really wanna question, has started to do every night- it doesn’t seem that insane. Jungkook is soft, he smells good, and when he rests his head on Yoongi’s pillow and closes his eyes he can see that thin almost unnoticeable scar on his cheek, and Yoongi caresses it with his eyes so many times in the shy moonlight, and he would like to do it with his fingertips too but he never- dared , and Jungkook’s breath slows down until he looks so peaceful and vulnerable, but not really. When Yoongi wakes up in the very early hours of the morning and there’s an arm enveloping his middle and ankles tangled with his own, he doesn’t- question it, doesn’t want to, doesn’t need to. 

He has started to see Jungkook smile during the day and that’s all he needs to know. 

But now there’s no moonlight. Now it’s clear daylight and things are more difficult. 

Or at least so they seem. 

~

The next book Jungkook gives him is Almond. 

There are many underlined parts in Almond. Yoongi particularly lingers over a couple of them. 

People said that there was no way to understand Gon. I didn’t agree with them. It’s just that nobody ever tried to see through him. 

…

Even though my brain was a mess, what kept my soul whole was the warmth of the hands holding mine on both sides. 

“Do you also think that books have lots of blanks where you can fit?” Yoongi asks Jungkook, his eyes on the ceiling as this was the standard position to have their night talks. 

But now Jungkook is right next to him, huddled on his single bed. He stares at the wall on the other side of Yoongi’s bed, he seems to ponder too many thoughts all at once. There’s the tiniest wrinkle on his forehead and his lips quiver ever so imperceptibly. 

Then he turns and grabs the book from Yoongi’s nightstand. He scans through the pages quickly, looking for something. Then he finds it, holds the book out for Yoongi to take it. 

Yoongi does and his eyes draw down on the sentence underlined on the page. 

The bookstore was like a grave. A grave of books. A grave of forgotten letters. 

Yoongi’s eyes leave the printed page and when the book falls down on his chest he sees the messy bookcase. It’s messy because there’s no more space for books, but they’re stacked and pushed in every available corner. Books Jungkook keeps burying himself into one day after the other. Books that probably fill his mind with words he doesn’t say. Books that probably speak to him nicer things than anybody else. 

A grave of books

~

Finally it’s a day with a few clouds; Yoongi feels less pressure somehow. He’s coming back home from town, and his hair is- white. He met this Kim Taehyung at group therapy and after a while he discovered that he’s studying to become a hairstylist, and after another while hairstylist-to-be-Kim Taehyung asked him if he was up to be his model to try some stuff. His face when Yoongi accepted told Yoongi that he was probably the first person to do so and that maybe there were valid reasons for that. The pitiful glare that Namjoon -another member of the emo weirdos club - shot him in leaving them after the therapy session was the second, very clear, red flag, but it was too late. Taehyung was already making a list of products he needed and plucking hairs from Yoongi’s head -followed by a couple of ouch! and hey from Yoongi’s- to study them better . 

Thing is, Taehyung did a great job. He threatened- promised him to dye it mint next week, but Yoongi really doesn’t mind the bleached white. He actually likes it a lot. 

Can’t wait for Jungkook to see it, but that’s a voice in his head he’s stubbornly stifling. Strangling. 

He walks inside and the house is deserted as always. Five seconds later Jungkook appears from the bathroom door and stops in his tracks. 

He stares at Yoongi for a good five seconds, eyes big and wide and mouth slightly open. 

Then he bursts out laughing. 

And Yoongi thinks what- but then-

Oh

Yoongi’s ears are suddenly filled with sea waves crashing gently on the beach at sunset, and pink clouds over tousled hair, and soft smiles over scrambled eggs, and silver skin kissed by the moonlight on his pillow. 

This is- this is actually his laughter- 

It’s Jungkook’s laughter, the one Yoongi has imagined during his sleepless nights, the one he kinda pictured while playing the piano that night, the one he thought he heard in his dreams one morning. 

This is what it took to hear his voice? Yoongi thinks, but what he says is, “you stay silent for one year and then emit a sound to mock me?” 

And Jungkook is laughing even more at that, and- jesus fuck , it sounds like the water surface reflecting the dark blue sky at dusk. 

“You look good,” Jungkook is saying and Yoongi must look like he’s witnessing aliens landing on earth and that’s more or less how he feels. 

But also something else. Something in his chest and stomach, and probably in the tips of his fingers and in his throat too. He feels like when he was a kid and used to wait for a wave on the shore to dive directly into it, crash against it, let the water run around his body. That’s how he feels. 

And a second later Jungkook just- walks away. And Yoongi stands there, looking like the aliens have just tried to communicate with him and he hasn’t understood a single thing, and his bleached white hair probably making him look like a sort of cheap street light. 

He thinks about it for the next few hours, trying again and again to replay Jungkook’s voice in his head as it’s already slipping away; he needs to hear it again. But at the same time he knows he has to live with it and not make it a big, huge, enormous deal -as it is. He wants to let Jungkook do it at his own time. 

What’s worse is that at dinner Jungkook doesn’t say a word as usual. Which Yoongi isn’t really surprised about. But still. His hands prickle and his ears are physically demanding to hear him. Just- just once more.

So he finally gives in at night, as they’re lying in bed in the dark. Safe, comforting, dark.  

“So,” he starts, as hesitant as ever, “how does it feel?”

“What?”

Damn

“Talking”

“I don’t know,” Jungkook sounds like he’s thinking. And he sounds exactly as he looks while he’s thinking. “Easier than what is seemed”

“You have a beautiful voice,” Yoongi says after a while, after a sort of internal crisis, “I’m glad I can hear it”

Yoongi hears him making a weird sound. Like he's clearing his throat, but it’s strangled and looking for air.

“Wanna come here?” Yoongi asks. They sleep together every night but Yoongi has never asked. 

Jungkook stares at him a few more seconds, then he climbs to Yoongi's bed as he always does, silently, a little shily, but then fitting perfectly beside him. 

“Why did you never ask me?” Jungkook breaks the silence after a while. Crickets singing and a dog barking somewhere are the only sounds coming from the window.

“What?”

“Why I stopped talking”

Yoongi looks for an answer. He never actually thought about it before. 

Why didn’t he ask?

“‘Cause whatever it is, past can’t be changed,” he starts, slowly, the sentence still forming in his head, “but I was hoping to hear your voice I guess” 

Jungkook draws even closer to him and seems like he wants to dive into Yoongi's chest and brush his lips on his heart. Yoongi would let him. 

“But fuck,” he continues after a pause, “have I known it would have only taken to look like Zac Efron during his hair crisis in 2019 I would have bleached it way earlier” 

Jungkook chuckles against his chest and god - Yoongi feels his body vibrate inside Jungkook’s laugh, inside his beautiful beautiful voice. He needs to get used to it. 

“You don’t look like Zac Efron, hyung”

“What do you mean? I would totally make a better Troy than him. I even used to play basketball you know”

More vibrations reach through his soul. 

“Can I be Gabriella then?”

“You need to let your hair grow some more, I’m sorry”

“No big deal,” Jungkook says serious, “give it a month or two”

“Goodnight Gabriella”

“Goodnight hyung”

Yoongi lays there with a stupid smile on his lips and his lids closed. Then it fades when he suddenly wonders. 

Has Jungkook just expressed his feelings for him using High School Musical as reference? 

Then he also wonders, 

what is their problem

~

Jungkook’s voice accompanies Yoongi’s every night now. Yoongi’s gradually getting used to it, but every night, when they lay on his bed and Jungkook’s breath has already started to slow down, he hears the waves softly brushing on the shore, the foam crackling, and the moon drawn on the water. He hears it inside his chest. 

On the weekend, they remain home alone. Over two months after Yoongi’s arrival, his uncle asked to talk to him at the beginning of the week, and told him that he’s seen him doing good, going to his therapy sessions every week (little he knows that Yoongi and the emo weirdos club after their group therapy usually smoke a joint together, but he doesn’t need to know that, and Yoongi’s doing better, really), and that, most importantly, he trusts him. And that was the reason why he decided to leave them alone for a couple of days to go on a short escape to the countryside with Jungkook’s mum. 

Which, in the end, is not much different from their lives during the week, Yoongi thinks. They’ll simply be alone for the night as well. 

And Yoongi has- plans for that. 

“We’re having a party tonight,” Yoongi announces to Jungkook at 9am, exactly 6 seconds after Jungkook’s parents have closed the door behind them. 

“What?” Jungkook turns to him with a frown. 

“A party, the two of us”

“A party for two?” Jungkook tilts his head to one side and Yoongi feels his legs give up on him for a moment. 

“Yep,” Yoongi nods once, “I don’t wanna invite the people I know in town ‘cause they’d probably- burn the place down, at the very least. So I figured we can just have an- intimate party”

“An intimate party,” Jungkook repeats and Yoongi restrains an urge to smack himself hard for the poor word choice. Then Jungkook smiles wide and he forgets whatever was going through his mind. “Sounds fun!” 

They go to the grocery store in the afternoon to buy some alcohol, some frozen pizza, and some party hats apparently, ‘cause Jungkook spots them in the store and says that if this has to be a party it needs party hats. And who’s Yoongi to say no to Jungkook?

A very weak gay, that’s what he is. So party hats it is. 

It’s around 11pm when they reach a respectable tipsy state, and they start talking nonsense and laughing at basically everything. It’s kinda silly, but it seems like they both realized tonight that they have a lot of funny stories to tell each other. Yoongi tells him about that time he was working as a delivery guy and a man insisted on having his pizza delivered on the third floor of his building. No other information about the address. He only knew he was on the third floor. 

Or that time he was working in a bar and spilled a whole liter of beer on a girl that was getting married that day. On her wedding dress. Who even goes drinking a beer in their wedding dress?

Jungkook laughs at each story Yoongi tells him, his nose scrunching in many thin lines and his eyes disappearing. His giggles flood over Yoongi and onto Yoongi and he really doesn’t know if he’s not used to alcohol anymore or if he will never get used to how buttery Jungkook’s voice sounds into his ears.

Probably the second one. 

Jungkook tilts his brows and his eyes widen out of the blue. 

“Hyung! I almost forgot!” 

Yoongi frowns. 

“We should go outside,” Jungkook continues excitedly, “today it’s the 10th of August, they say it’s the peak for meteor shower”

Yoongi stares at him, still a little lost.

“It’s the perfect night to see shooting stars, hyung,” Jungkook says, his voice now calmer, more patient. 

“Oh,” Yoongi says, but Jungkook is already grabbing his wrist and dragging him to the backyard. 

They sit on the grass, leaning a little backwards, propped on their arms, to look at the night sky. Yoongi watches Jungkook’s profile, thinks about his honey voice. 

It’s the tenth of August already… fuck, how did time pass so fast?

Yoongi feels the alcohol wearing off from his body while they try to see a shooting star. Jungkook believes to spot one twice, and Yoongi has to kill his hopes both times. The third time Yoongi is 100% sure there was no meteor in the sky, but he gives up. 

“I told you it was a shooting star!” Jungkook grins, “now I have to make a wish, wait”

Yoongi looks at him as the boy shuts his eyes tight and seems to focus at full capacity. 

“Done!” He nods once.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you, hyung! Otherwise it won’t happen”

“Alright, alright,” Yoongi chuckles. 

He doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol, or the night alone, but Jungkook is so bright and loud tonight. He’s never seen him smile so much in two months.

He loves it. 

“Hey,” Yoongi says after a while, “why did you start talking again?” 

Jungkook keeps his eyes on the sky, his hands are on the ground behind his back and his legs crossed loosely. 

“You were the first person who seemed worthy to talk to. I wanted to talk with you”

Huh, Yoongi thinks. But he says “do you regret it?”

Jungkook turns quickly to him now, “no," he chuckles softly, "I love talking with you, hyung” 

Jungkook’s eyes are different now. They have the whole night sky in them, and something else Yoongi is trying to define. 

“What did you want to talk about?” He asks him, looking into those eyes. They’re sparkling.

“I wanted to tell you how I feel”

Oh-

“Do you still want to?” Yoongi feels like Jungkook’s eyes are alluring him somewhere, somewhere he’s never been to. Not with Jungkook. 

“Yes… but now- now I don’t know if I can really find the words”

“Just try”

“Mmh,” Jungkook tears his eyes away to trail their surroundings and Yoongi regains some consciousness. “When you talk to me I feel like- you know when you lay flat on the water surface? Half of your body is still in the air, but the other half is underwater… your ears are underwater too and you hear the world only as a muffled background. And- and you can listen to the vibrations of the sea, sound particles carried by microscopic waves all the way to you. Tiny soft noises in which you can slow down, fit your own thoughts, feel safe,” Jungkook stops, the air is a little chilly around them but Yoongi feels a new kind of warmth, “that’s how I feel, hyung”

“Wow”

Yoongi manages to mutter but he’s left breathless. 

“How- how do you feel, hyung?”

“I-” 

How does he feel?

Yoongi can’t quite think, not after what Jungkook told him. He looks down at his own wrists. He’s not wearing the bandages anymore now, the cuts healed, and now he has bright red scars painted like irregular strokes on his wrists. They look like a distant memory. Another one of his past lives maybe. 

“I feel like-”

Like I’m so glad I’m still breathing

He sees a butterfly flying over the bushes in front of them. It’s not a moth, it’s a pretty painted lady. It shouldn’t be flying around at night, but its wings twitch merrily over some blue flowers. It looks like it’s wandering over the sea surface. 

“I feel like that butterfly,” Yoongi says, tilts his chin just slightly, knows that Jungkook sees it, “it might seem lost, awake when it’s supposed to sleep, witnessing the moon when it should live in the sunlight. But it found a beautiful piece of sea, and it doesn’t need anything else”

When Yoongi turns to his side, Jungkook is already looking at him, that sparkle in his eyes, the whole galaxy reflected into his pupils. 

A beautiful piece of sea

Jungkook is- he’s imperceptibly leaning closer and Yoongi feels it all of a sudden. He understands what that something in his eyes is, why the air feels electric, why the moon seems different tonight. He feels it, and it’s a fuckin tsunami. 

Yoongi realizes he is also moving closer, ever so slowly, without letting go of Jungkook’s black eyes. It’s his that fall on Yoongi’s lips first. 

There’s not much space between they’re faces now, not a single shooting star that can get their attention. 

“Yoongi-” Jungkook barely whispers, so feeble that Yoongi wonders if he imagined it.

But Yoongi says anyway “yes.”

And Jungkook is finally closing that little space and Yoongi feels warm lips brushing against his own. 

Fuck-  

Jungkook is so gentle, so insanely sweet even with only the slightest brush, and his lips taste like- 

They taste like his voice

Yoongi likes it slow like this and would also like to take it all and go down down underwater, but most of all he wants to let Jungkook take his own time. So he savours the tip of Jungkook’s lips, he moves his own just a little bit. And Jungkook does the same, and now he’s putting some pressure and properly kissing him. 

Jungkook licks on Yoongi’s mouth and Yoongi thinks he’s kinda dying, so he surrenders and he sucks on Jungkook’s bottom lip, not too much, not too soon. Jungkook’s tongue makes his way and Yoongi’s unsealing his lips to let him in. He licks back, pulls and push and Jungkook is- fuck , he’s moaning into his mouth, sweet and high, and Yoongi doesn’t even feel the ground under him anymore. 

As they keep kissing, deep and unrushed, Yoongi feels Jungkook clasping at his hoodie over his waist, and he can’t recall where he heard it right now, but a line from somewhere plays in his mind

Pull me oh so close cause you never know just how long our lives will be

So he leans forward and makes his hand slip on Jungkook’s jaw, then behind his ear, then on the nape of his neck, then buries it into his hair, black black hair so soft he has been wanting to touch for so long, he has been wanting to drown in it and breathe into it close close closer, and now Jungkook is here and real and Yoongi wants to pull him with all his might and stop breathing air but only Jungkook’s scent, Jungkook’s breath, Jungkook’s soul.

Yoongi feels different parts of his body at different times, as if they were detached, as if there were too many sensations to register for his single brain. So it’s only after a few seconds that he realizes Jungkook’s hand is on his thigh and it’s travelling up. 

Jungkook goes up and up and then grabs Yoongi’s hip and his fingers push to feel him under his clothes. 

“Hyung-” Jungkook breathes against Yoongi’s mouth. 

“Mmh”

“Hyung can we- can we go in our room?” 

Yoongi pulls back and stares at him dazed. Jungkook looks flushed, cheeks pink and lips a bit swollen and wet and oh my god - 

Yoongi might as well have a concussion ‘cause he can only form pieces of a thought. How is he supposed to think, or speak, or breathe. 

“Hyung- Yoongi,” Jungkook repeats, eyes all big and starry. 

And Yoongi actually processes that tonight Jungkook’s calling him by his name for the first time. 

Really, how can he think

“Yes,” he mutters, “yes, Jungkook” 

Jungkook leans in to kiss him again, this time a bit more urgent and craving, then grabs Yoongi’s wrist the same way he did when they got outside, and stands up. 

The room is hot, but probably it’s just their bodies, Yoongi thinks. Jungkook closes the door behind Yoongi even if there’s no one else in the house, then pins Yoongi against it and kisses him eagerly. Yoongi’s hands land on Jungkook’s waist and- 

Oh shit-

Yoongi has noticed within the first week here that Jungkook is- well built, but this is worse. Jungkook has a tiny waist and Yoongi is already obsessed about it. He slips his hands under Jungkook’s t-shirt and tastes that cursed waist on his fingertips. 

Jungkook is pressing his body against Yoongi’s, places his thigh in between Yoongi’s legs and pulls a whimper from Yoongi’s lips when he pushes on his crotch. Jungkook’s hands are cupping Yoongi’s face, and his fingertips are so hot Yoongi almost feels his skin burn. 

They break from each other, eyes flaming hot, and Yoongi pushes just slightly, but Jungkook is already walking backwards and pulling Yoongi with him. 

"I'm sorry I'm- I'm a very bad kisser," Yoongi says kinda out of breath, and asks himself why did he even say that right now.

"Thank god we have me, hyung," Jungkook grins and it's bold and shy at the same time, and Yoongi tries to assess to what degree he is utterly, monumentally, fucked. 

The back of Jungkook's calves hit Yoongi’s bed and they sink into it. Yoongi steadies himself over Jungkook while he pushes his tongue into his mouth to then leave for his jaw. He starts leaving open mouth kisses, nibbles a bit under the sharp line, waits for Jungkook's response and then continues down on his neck. He sucks, without putting too much strength in it, but Jungkook is gasping and making these weak moans and Yoongi is sure he’s going insane. 

"You're- you're not bad at this hyung," Jungkook's words are dragged and thick.

Yoongi licks near the boy’s ear and Jungkook runs his fingers up Yoongi’s chest, under his sweater. Yoongi feels hot hands all over his upper body, and he stops to remove his hoodie. He straddles Jungkook more properly and slips the top over his head. 

Jungkook looks at his naked torso in awe and then sits up to kiss his chest, his collarbone, imitates Yoongi as he nibbles at his neck again and again. 

Yoongi has abandoned all his weight on Jungkook’s lap now, and he feels him. He feels how hard he is, and how their hard-ons brush painfully one against the other. 

His hands look for the hem of Jungkook’s t-shirt and pulls up. And- 

Jesus fuck-

“Wow-” he breathes out, “you’re so- gorgeous, wow”

Yoongi touches and kisses and licks, and he feels so greedy, like he’s never been, and he can’t stop saying how beautiful Jungkook is, he says it over and over, repeats it like a mantra, without even realizing it. He mumbles hums and nothings into Jungkook’s hair, so soft and black and tousled, like he has always imagined it to feel, he tells Jungkook how he makes his head light and dizzy, but in a good way. 

“You talk so much, hyung,” Jungkook says in a deep voice, sends shivers down Yoongi’s spine, kisses him raw on his lips.

“I'm not so good at hiding truths”

“Mmh, keep- keep talking to me”

“Your voice against my skin makes me feel so good”

Jungkook steadies a hand on the small of Yoongi’s back and turns around their bodies. He hovers over Yoongi and takes him in for a moment. 

“So pretty hyung,” he says and Yoongi feels a wave of heat washing over him. 

Jungkook’s eyes trails down, stops on Yoongi’s jeans. He looks up again. 

“Hyung- Yoongi,” Jungkook has that intensity in his eyes again, deep black and sparkling at the same time. “Yoongi, can I?”

Yoongi nods, biting his lips to contain whatever emotion is taking over himself. 

Jungkook unzips Yoongi’s jeans and slips his hand inside. He palms him over his boxers and Yoongi groans deep and low. 

Jungkook moves his hand a few times, then takes it out and pulls Yoongi’s jeans and underwear down in one quick move. He pants, looking at Yoongi’s leaking cock, then wraps his finger around it and strokes once, twice, three times, slow and steady. Yoongi moans and buckles his hips up a few times. 

“Jungkook," he pants, "can I touch you too?” 

“Ye- yes,” Jungkook incredibly seems even more wrecked than how Yoongi already is. 

His fingers fumble with the hem of his sweats, but Yoongi swats them away and his hand is already into Jungkook’s briefs. Jungkook hisses as Yoongi clasps him and pushes his thumb on his tip. And Jungkook is- hard, so hard and so thick, Yoongi feels dizzy again. 

They stroke each other some more, brushing their lips on each other’s skin, pulling each other closer to the edge, but making it unrushed and deliberate. 

“Hyung,” Jungkook groans in the crook of his neck, “hyung, want you- want you more”

He’s so needy, Yoongi thinks, and after that he thinks I’m ruined

Yoongi leaves Jungkook’s dick to search for his cheek. He guides his head up and looks him in the eyes. 

“Fuck me,” Yoongi swallows, his brain somewhat registers how dense his words are. “Wanna- wanna do that, Jungkook?” 

Jungkook’s expression goes through at least 5 different states and then settles at disrupt . 

His voice comes out like a choke when he mutters “yes, please- please-”

Jungkook gets cut off by his own mouth crashing onto Yoongi’s. He’s pushing his body over the older’s now, one hand running through his side, the other into Yoongi’s bleached hair. 

“I have- condoms. And lube,” Yoongi tries to catch his breath when he has a chance, “in my bag over there”

Jungkook gets on unsteady legs and follows Yoongi’s eyes in a corner of the room. 

“Strawberry flavored?” He reads on the bottle of lube and tilts his head to one side.

Yoongi wants to smack him. And also kiss him. 

“What? It tastes good,” Yoongi says, his voice coming out ragged. 

Jungkook’s eyes widen on him, they become blacker, if possible. He swallows hard, “t-tastes?”

“One thing at a time,” Yoongi chuckles, “come here now”

Jungkook removes his sweats and underwear completely before climbing on the bed again. And Yoongi- Yoongi simply admires him, tongue licking on his own lips and stomach doing something silly. 

Jungkook gets to the edge of the bed, he looks down, cock hard as fuck and condom in one hand. Yoongi straightens up and sits on the edge, feet on the ground only a few inches from Jungkook’s. 

“Baby,” he says, and he has never called Jungkook that way and the sound of it does something to both of them. He sees it, he feels it. 

“Is this okay?” He tries to understand Jungkook’s eyes. 

Will he ever understand them though

“If- if you don’t want-” he starts but Jungkook moves and places himself in between his legs. 

“I want to,” Jungkook’s free hand runs into Yoongi’s hair, all the way to the back of his head, stops there, closes a little, fingers demanding, as if he wanted to get more of Yoongi. 

Want more of you-

Then he ducks down and kisses Yoongi on the lips, taking his time, making it all wet and hot. 

They don’t even untangle to climb back on the bed; Jungkook keeps pushing onto Yoongi, and Yoongi keeps pulling him closer, so close it almost hurts. Hurts good, hurts so good, Yoongi wonders if he will get out of here alive tonight. 

Jungkook leaves the condom next to Yoongi’s hip and picks up the lube. He spreads Yoongi’s legs open, positions himself in between, he stops. 

“Hyung, you’re the most beautiful scene I’ve ever seen,” Jungkook blinks and tries to take in all his body at once. “Like a meteor shower” 

Yoongi feels his face flushing red, and purple, and pink, and blue, and all the colors of a sunset, all at once, ‘cause that’s how Jungkook makes him feel. 

Jungkook’s arm slips around one of his thighs, he kisses it, eyes closed, lips pursued, soft soft and tender, and Yoongi thinks about the butterfly. 

Piece of sea

Jungkook takes his time, placing a few more kisses on his thighs, just little pecks, so sweet and new that Yoongi wonders how was he even living before. 

Only when he has painted a whole galaxy of stars on Yoongi’s inner thighs, Jungkook straightens up, pours some lube on his fingers and his index finds Yoongi’s rim. Yoongi holds his breath, Jungkook draws small circles, his other hand grabs the other’s cock again, strokes it unhurriedly. 

Jungkook pushes a finger in and Yoongi whimpers. 

“You can- can add another one,” Yoongi tells him. 

Jungkook does, drags them against Yoongi’s walls, pushes him open a little bit. Yoongi moans when Jungkook’s fingers curl inside him and his other hand tightens on his dick. 

Jungkook is adding a third finger and Yoongi eyes the boy’s cock, up and leaking. 

“I’m- I’m ready,” he pants, “Jungkook, I’m ready”

Jungkook swallows, Yoongi sees his eyes doing that thing. He sees the stars into them, the moonlight, silver and pale, he sees pink clouds. 

Yoongi opens the condom and slides it on Jungkook’s cock. 

“Tell me- tell me if I hurt you,” Jungkook whispers, serious and hesitant. 

Yoongi giggles lightly. ‘Cause Jungkook is so fucking adorable and hot at the same time and his mind is really fucking foggy at the moment. 

Jungkook carefully pushes in, slowly, watches every tiny reaction on Yoongi’s face, lets him grasp and pull his shoulder and neck. Yoongi arches, slowly as well, lips unsealed and lusty.

Jungkook glances down to watch their hips pressed together. His fingertips caress the outer part of Yoongi’s leg, so lovingly Yoongi wants to cry all of a sudden. Then Jungkook pulls back and dives in again. He groans over Yoongi, insanely pretty, eyes closing tight and mouth open. Yoongi pulls his head up to kiss his face, wherever he can, but Jungkook responds and pushes his tongue in between his lips. He rocks inside him while he does, and they both moan into each other’s mouth. 

He takes up a pace, still unhurried, still watching Yoongi and kissing him here and there. 

“Yoongi-” Jungkook breathes, eyes like the deepest part of the sea. 

“Yes, baby,” Yoongi chokes on his words. 

“Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi” 

Jungkook says his name so many times, Yoongi is inebriated, he drowns in that voice, honey-covered, smooth, perfect voice. He feels euphoric and broken at the same time, he’s never heard his name like that, it sounds so new on Jungkook’s lips, Jungkook’s voice sounds so new, but also so close, so close to him, something he didn’t know he was looking for, something he may have heard in the depths of his dreams for years. And now he doesn’t know how, but it’s in his hands, in his ears, in his stomach. He’s drunk on it. 

Jungkook keeps a slow but steady pace, Yoongi sees how he doesn’t wanna rush this, how he wants to make it last. 

Like this summer

And after what could be minutes or hours, Yoongi really cannot tell, Jungkook groans against his neck “Yoongi- Yoongi ’m close”

“Okay baby-” 

Jungkook reaches for Yoongi’s cock, strokes him just right and Yoongi’s gasping and spilling on his own stomach. He clenches around Jungkook, keeping him inside, oh so close, and Jungkook comes too, a high moan Yoongi will remember for the rest of his life. 

He’s absolutely wrecked, and now his whole body is wearing off whatever it was on, but he really wants to keep his eyes open, see how Jungkook rides on his orgasm, sparkles and stars on his face, muscles tensing and releasing, hair a complete mess, like his chest. He comes down from his peak gradually, fucked up and young, he looks so young and perfect in this moment Yoongi thinks he has never seen such an apocalypse. Beautiful apocalypse. 

Jungkook drowns into the crook of Yoongi’s neck, heavy all over him, burning skin against his own. And it feels so- fitting. 

Like a wave hitting the shore

“You okay?” Yoongi says softly near his ear. 

Jungkook hums, face moving slightly against him. “Yeah, fuck- that was- fuck. Are you okay?”

“Mmh, okay is an understatement”

Jungkook giggles and Yoongi feels his face scrunching on his skin and jesus - it feels so good, it feels so right. 

Yoongi realizes his arms are around Jungkook’s back and he’s basically clasping him tight, tight tight to his chest. 

“‘m still- inside you,” Jungkook mutters, sweaty face still buried in between Yoongi and the pillow and his orgasm. 

“‘s okay” 

Yoongi doesn’t know when he started doing it, but his fingertips are mindlessly stroking Jungkook’s back, he runs over his shoulder blades, up to the base of his neck, then down, feels the curve of his narrow waist again, dies a little bit inside again. 

He wants to say so many things, all the things he likes about Jungkook, all the things he’s already said, and many more. But he doesn’t say anything. Not yet. 

He wants to be lulled on Jungkook’s wave a little longer, doesn’t wanna spoil this with too many words. 

After a while Jungkook is moving; his face draws up, messed up and absolutely gorgeous, and the first thing he does is make his mouth meet Yoongi’s. He kisses him tiredly but willingly. 

“Pulling out now,” he whispers on Yoongi’s lips. 

“‘kay” 

Yoongi feels the hollow space in him, then his muscles start to get back to their usual shape. Jungkook gets rid of the condom, then gets some tissues to clean himself and Yoongi. 

“I- I can do it,” Yoongi says, holding out a hand. 

“Can I do it for you, hyung?” 

“Sure,” the corners of Yoongi’s lips tilt ever so slightly and he feels something melting inside. 

Jungkook carefully cleans both of them, then crawls beside Yoongi on the small bed. He cages Yoongi with his leg and arm, as if he was afraid Yoongi would go somewhere. 

How could he

~

Yoongi is watching the clouds over the sea, how they make it of a deeper shade of blue. They’re walking down the beach, near the barren woods, feet softly sinking into the sand. There aren’t many people today, a mid-August storm forecast keeping tourists away from the sea. Their shoulders bump together and Jungkook intertwines his fingers with Yoongi’s. 

Yoongi looks at him, sees the sunset on his lips.

And Yoongi thinks that Jungkook feels like a pomegranate. Once he opened him, he keeps finding sweet seeds, one tangled against the other, hidden in the most absurd places. And Yoongi thinks wow . Just wow . 

“Hyung,” Jungkook says as he looks ahead. 

“Mmh”

“What is going to happen in September?” 

Yoongi feels his chest heavy. 

I don’t know, he thinks. But instead he says, “we’ll be emo weirdos who suck at living again I guess”

Jungkook’s eyes cast down imperceptibly. Yoongi can tell that he has been thinking about it, has been wanting to ask him. 

Yoongi smiles. He adds, “but we can- suck together if you- if you want”

Jungkook’s face brightens up of all the shades of the sea. “Of course I want” 

“Alright then, we will figure something out,” Yoongi muses, “I need to- get back on track… but Daegu is not that far anyway, and I- have some friends here now”

Yoongi thinks about the other emo weirdos who he started to see closer than any kind of relationship he had before. They’re nice emo weirdos.  

“‘right,” Jungkook grins differently, Yoongi waits for it and, “I need to see your next hair color you know”

Yoongi scoffs, can’t bite back a grin himself.

Taehyung dyed his hair mint in the end, it turned a little bit more green than expected but Tae said it’ll fade in a couple of showers and it will be the perfect mint they wanted. 

Yoongi feels a raindrop on his head, then another one, and when he glances up, it’s pouring. 

“Huh, we should head ba-”

“Hyung!” Jungkook’s exclaiming under the rain, his face excited, “hyung, the hug under the rain you wanted!” 

“Wha-” but Jungkook is already pulling him to his chest, enclosing him in his arms, pushing his heart on the edge of his skin to make Yoongi hear it. 

“Toru,” Yoongi whispers into Jungkook’s ear, “You’re Toru, ‘cause it means clear and transparent in Japanese, and you’re like the pristine sea water in an early September morning, Jungkook” 

Beautiful piece of sea

Jungkook smiles. Yoongi knows even if he can’t see it. 

“So you’re my Midori?” He says, “‘cause of- you know- your hair, hyung” 

“Is my hair really that funny to you? Just so I know”

Jungkook laughs, high and pure, and Yoongi can’t really do something different in front of this fuckin sunset filling his ears and lungs. 

Damn, he thinks, I will do all the colors of the rainbow if it makes him laugh like this

“I really love your new hair, hyung,” Jungkook’s saying when his laughter is lost in the rain, “reminds me of those small stones on the shores. Do you know that I used to collect them?”

“You don’t do it anymore?”

“No, I have you now”