Chapter Text
there was much you did not understand, within a world that screamed from all directions. a world so torn up by lies, by uncertainty. you were following directions, taking commands, fighting for what you were told is the right. what you were told is the greater good. truth be told, you were confused. and the thought of yelena was no stranger to your confusion.
yelena.
tall, with eyes like looking down the barrel of a gun- graced with dark circles that underpinned her dark, deep eyes. clean-cut jawline, a curve to her pointed nose. accompanied by short blonde hair, styled with an undercut and bangs. everything about her appearance was sharp, serious. even the black tailored suit and crisp white button-up that adorned her slim, elegant frame. sharp.
she was a knife, slicing through you. leaving you no room to attend to your wounds.
her character was sharp. she would find laughter in places others would find pain, and delight amongst the misery. laughing at her own words that offered no humour, smiling in the face of terror. maniacal, cracked at the core. she served only herself and zeke, and you could not fault her devotion- but the blindness that came with. a tunnel vision, you felt could misguide her. but, who are you to speak?
her character was what held attention, especially yours- be it good or bad. and you couldn’t decode which was worse.
yelena was perplexing to say the least, and if there’s one thing you have learned through being her advisor, for quite some time now, is that she is honest. brutally, at that. if she disliked you, you would know, perhaps with your body face down on the floor and a hole in your chest. you could only equate her devotion to zeke as what her liking somebody looks like.
would she even like you?
the countless times you looked up at her, felt like a sort of worship. were you devoted, too? as her advisor, it’s hard to dismiss that. looking up at her as she gave out orders, commanded your next move. she stood tall and over 6ft, statuesque, a goddess in a suit and yet, devil in disguise. if it weren’t just the height that made it, yelena’s unattainability had you in silent awe; wonder that you often denied for professionalism’s sake. wonder that had found its way back to you, regardless. was it so wrong? to want, to want to know more?
more often than not did you find yourself astounded by her demeanour- calm, collected, dry and unpredictable. you wondered how she could dominate spaces in the way that she did when she constantly let her rather… disconnected views, slip out. a wicked smile that embraced her own ideas. yet not a smile back. she would leave people with their mouths agape, leave them in fear. you were so accustomed to it, it did not strike the same within you, instead you just allowed the curiosity to nestle.
that was her, you thought, yelena.
even so, you were often disturbed by her, by her methods. that, you and onyankopon had in common. he was more established than you were, already so sure of himself. perhaps your lack of sense of self is what drove you towards yelena. maybe, you pondered, she could remedy you with some of her own assertion.
but, though devoted to your cause, it was hard to deny the inkling of hesitance that came with being at her side. but perhaps, you liked being on your toes.
perhaps, you liked the aching distance, the uncertainties and feverish longing. with this gap between you, you could dream from the safety of your own head. yelena couldn’t offer a gun to your chest, if by any chance she didn’t like it.
so, maybe, it would be safe to tend to that wonder that you held? perhaps, you could entertain the idea of learning everything about this woman. all of her secrets, everything that makes her so mysterious. everything that neatly composed yelena. perhaps.
she was a constant, a ferocious movement in your life, when the days dragged by and faded together like tears in the rain. she remained. even when threatened by your doubt.
you knew that, if her presence wasn’t a surprising comfort, if you didn’t feel so safe with yelena, if you weren’t so curious. you would definitely do anything but serve her. after all, you have had several windows of opportunity to abandon your post, by her side.
it’s not like you were needed, surely. there’s many hard headed and dedicated people that could replace you.
but, instead,
your relentless hesitance melded into curiosity, over months, amidst familiarity becoming something that you could pin to yelena. she was apart of your daily routine; she was there when you awoke, she was a face you saw more than your own. her pointed nose, wide rounded eyes, soft delicate lips. yelena was familiar; her strangeness and her safety, and that made you curious.
leaving was less of an option, more of a consequence.
the need to know more had initially started, one rather uneventful day, when you asked her what lunch she would like, as you were getting yours. slipping into her office, neither of you caught onto just how casual the conversation was- you discovered she doesn’t particularly like meat, and is more of a vegetable person.
the first thing of many that you learned about her.
something new to store in your mind, you told her that you will see what you could get her. her eyes met yours, and held them in her gaze for a moment too long, before nodding. you almost stumbled into her. but, she returned to her work, and the both of you missed the smiles that faintly painted your lips.
learning more about yelena became a personal objective that you assigned yourself, wilfully too. that part surprised you. surely, there was no harm in this. it gave you something to do, after all, some days could be better. you were unsure of wether she noticed the increase of questions coming her way, or if she was so fixated on her work that they went over her head. like most things that didn’t entertain or serve her.
would she catch on?
what would she think of this? you’re comrades, you’re colleagues. there is no time for such trivial things. you could only wonder.
and you did just that, a lot,
you found yourself wondering if she maintained her undercut, as it always looked freshly cut. what scent is it that she wears, that always lingers when you’re near her? you wonder, did she notice how her lips curl at the edges when she smiled?
did she notice that you looked at her, for seconds longer than usual? how your hand always bumped, one way or another?
when being debriefed, when in the mess hall having lunch, when passing by in corridors. several occasions you would observe her, and hope she did not capture you in the act. you just wanted to see her from all angles, never getting enough of her. surely that was just your concern, slipping through the cracks. did she notice?
because, you told yourself, you must be concerned for her well-being, it’s a-given the way your heart drops when she’s battered and bruised. when you see a gun held to her head, when you have to break her out of a conflict. ensuring every time she would live so your eyes could find her once again.
did yelena know that you found her beautiful? from her face to her eccentricity. her melting voice. her skilled hands. her ability to hold a whole rooms attention. you found beauty in every aspect of her, and could only let yourself have that as devotion. maybe she finds beauty in zeke, like this. surely?
on nights, your daily routine had changed to include her. undress from your uniform, wash up, drink water, think of your next question to ask yelena, read, get distracted from reading to think some more, sleep. it was so natural to you that you didn’t think twice- of course you would be thinking of her, as you see her everyday. her pretty face. you support her in her work. that she is so good at. you keep her in check. care for her.
when you scalded yourself for carrying your work into your personal time, you shook off the thoughts. they’re natural; it’s natural to want to know more. it’s natural to be inquisitive, especially in a world strung together by so much contradiction. it doesn’t hurt to question.
is it? natural to look her over whenever she wasn’t looking? is it natural to purposely brush hands, biting your lip at how much bigger hers was? is it so natural to wonder what she was thinking?
curiosity, bittersweet and deadly. your parents had always told you how curiosity kills the cat.
waking up, half asleep and body weak, you’d always be on time. 7am sharp, the day would begin. yelena liked punctuality- for it was respect, and that’s something she put stress on. respect her, you would. you didn’t want to disappoint her, ever, so you always ensured you were by her side as early as your day allowed it. the eagerness was merely a testament to your growing devotion.
this is respect, you told yourself. this is my job. you weren’t going to let this slip away, not when it pays so well- in money, food, sights and opportunity. how could you be so selfish as to jeopardise this, with disrespect?
you were no fool, at least to your knowledge.
the flutter in your chest did not go unnoticed when you brushed your hand against yelena’s bigger, soft hand, passing her some paperwork. you were organising her desk as instructed, to ensure all important files and documentation were accessible.
yelena paused, too, before continuing her tasks that even you began to forget. did she feel that too? was she curious, too?
that was your job, to ensure that she’s working- scheduled, informed. it was your job to respect her, and her work, with the duties of maintenance and organisation to always be at the forefront. you had to ensure the days were strung together, neatly, to allow advancement in accordance to the movements goals.
it’s your job.
but your mind, as it always did, wandered to wether she’s okay- happy, content. did she eat today? does she get time to herself?
it’s your job.
do you ask your boss those kinds of questions? an efficient, strategic killer with gun training and an unmatched silver tongue; do you ask them how they are feeling? could you speak to her with such tenderness her cold exterior melts in your arms?
could you whittle that too, down to just being your job?
you held your tongue, organising the unopened letters on her desk. you couldn’t ignore the slight shake in your hands and warmth to your cheeks, not when she was so close. this close. a scent of vanilla, musk and something ever so slightly sweet lingering around her. you brushed shoulders, and then, exchanged smiles.
with all of these unanswered questions racing in your head, your name was called from a faceless voice beyond the door. other duties called for your attention. other thoughts ached to occupy your mind, if you could only make room.
you were surprised with yourself, and thus the confusion redirected inwards. why were these thoughts plaguing your mind, now? you had been working with yelena for months, she is your boss. your superior. she is somebody you respect unwaveringly, support in any way you can. why did you find yourself occupied with selfish desires to know, more than the meagre tasks you had to fulfil? why was she pushing her way to the front of your mind like this, why was she even there in the first place?
for what you knew, your role is only filled as she sees fit, and yelena could easily suspend you from her side. she could dismiss you, any given moment. you were disposable, after all.
with that in mind, you didn’t ignore the way your chest dropped, your stomach turned ever so slightly at the thought. she could rid of you, so maybe it is best to just play safe? perhaps this is no place for curiosity. no place to be drinking in the sight of her how you do. no need for you to excite at a mere touch.
so curious. did she feel it too?