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Connor and Jude were not affectionate at Connor's house. At school they held hands in the hallway and kissed each other goodbye as they went their separate ways to lessons. At Jude's house Stef and Lena had made sure they felt comfortable being who they were, and told them that as long as they were appropriate and well behaved they were free to express themselves however they wanted. That had brought a burning blush to Connor's cheeks, but it had the intended effect and it was common to find them holding hands, or just holding each other, in the Adams Foster home. As winter drew closer and the nights got longer they took advantage of the stars, lying out on the grass with their hands clasped together as they watched the heavens.
But at Connor's house they acted like distant acquaintances. Like strangers. It wasn't that Connor didn't want to touch Jude, because he did. It was that he was terrified any affection would lead to his father refusing to let him see his boyfriend. It had been his fear from the start and each day only seemed to intensify it. And it wasn't that Adam wasn't trying to support his son, because he was. He caught himself before making casual homophobic comments, guiltily glancing over at his son to see whether or not he'd caught the almost slip. Connor always heard, but he said nothing. Adam also made an effort to always be civil to Jude, which wasn't difficult when confronted with Jude's impeccable manners, used in an attempt to win over his boyfriend's father.
Despite Adam's best attempts, Connor still wasn't comfortable in his own home. Because it was civility towards Jude, not kindness. Because although his dad usually stopped himself before hurtful comments, he was still inclined to make them. Because Connor knew his dad thought differently of him because he wanted to hold Jude's hand and not Daria's.
It was painful for Connor to hide his relationship with Jude in front of his father. Because that's what it was: hiding. Yes, Adam knew it was happening. But that was worlds away from being confronted with it. So Connor curbed every impulse to take Jude's hand under the table when they were eating dinner; to curl up with Jude in his arms when they were watching movies; to kiss him every time he did something unbearably sweet. At the Foster house he wouldn't have given any of that a second thought, but with his father it was a different situation entirely. Connor was even scared of innocently touching Jude even his father wasn't home. The idea that he could walk through the door at any point was nerve wracking.
It was ironic, in a way. Because he cared for Jude so much and couldn't bear the thought of losing him, he couldn't hold him. Couldn't kiss him. The simplest solution would be to spend all their time together at Jude's house, but a veritable flock of teenagers was not conducive to peace and quiet. If they wanted to find somewhere that was both calm and indoors, Connor's house was the option they were left with.
Jude understood. He didn't like that there were times that Connor didn't feel like he could hold his hand, but he supported Connor’s wish to not touch in his house. He was overwhelmingly proud of Connor for coming out to his dad and he would never force or pressure Connor into anything he wasn’t ready to do. Jude also wasn’t sure he could guarantee Connor that Adam would be okay with them kissing or cuddling, or even just holding hands. He was fairly certain that it wouldn’t lead to anything too drastic, but he wanted Connor to be as happy as possible and a frosty relationship with his father wasn’t going to help that.
*
It was a Friday evening. Specifically it was a Friday evening after a particularly torturous maths test at school, the way only maths tests can be. Neither Connor nor Jude was up to the collective noise of Mariana’s dance music, Brandon’s piano, Callie’s chatter on the phone with Daphne, and Jesus playing video games. They walked the familiar path to Connor’s house with their fingers intertwined, Connor rubbing his thumb against the back of Jude’s hand. Jude would absolutely not admit to the pleasant shivers that simple action send up his spine. As they walked up the path to the Stevens’ house Connor dropped Jude’s hand with a sad sigh, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek before resigning himself to keep his distance.
Connor immediately headed to the kitchen, knowing they’d both need a drink. He knew Jude was going to follow him; they understood each other well without the need for words. By the time he’d turned back from the tap with two glasses he found Jude stood closer than he expected. Close enough that he could see the darker ring of colour around Jude's iris. Close enough that Jude’s breath spilled over Connor’s cheeks.
‘Jude…’ Connor’s voice was laced with half warning and half awe. But despite the beauty to be found in Jude’s eyes Adam was upstairs and Connor knew he couldn’t kiss his boyfriend now. But God did he want to. He sighed and looked away from Jude (not the easiest feat) towards the door and up the stairs. No dad. No sign of movement. One kiss would be okay, right? Yes. Connor could feel Jude’s lips curving into a smile against his as he kissed him. Jude loved kissing Connor, for one, but he was also pleased that Connor was finally doing this in his house.
The sound of someone awkwardly clearing their throat had Connor jumping back from Jude so quickly he hit his hip against the kitchen counter. Jude winced as Connor sucked in a quick breath and ignored the pain. There was a blush high on Connor’s cheeks but Jude was more defiant. They hadn’t been doing anything wrong.
'Hello, Jude.' Adam nodded abruptly towards him, a gesture Jude returned.
'Dad! Sorry, we were just...' Connor bit his lip guiltily, looking down at the floor. Jude hated that Connor felt guilty about kissing him.
'I know what you were doing. It's okay, Connor.' Jude was surprised by the kindness in Adam’s voice, and he could tell Connor was too.
‘I know two don’t… aren’t close together when you’re here. You don’t have to do that. You’re… dating. That’s okay.’ Adam nodded again, even smiled a little, and ducked back out of the kitchen to return to his work. Connor and Jude were left looking at each other with confusion clouding their features.
‘Okay… so we can…’ Jude reached out and took Connor’s hand. Connor was still surprised by his father’s reaction and was starting to realise that he’d maybe underestimated Adam. He met Jude’s gaze with perplexed happiness in his eyes. He finally felt a little more free, a little more himself, in his home again.
When Connor took Jude’s hand during dinner; when he pulled Jude close to him and into his arms when they watched a film later that evening; when he gently kissed Jude’s cheek when his boyfriend giggled at something funny in the film; Adam said nothing. Connor was more than a little happy to be able to be affectionate with Jude in his house; a view that Jude completely and entirely agreed with.
Adam wasn’t entirely happy and comfortable with his son’s relationship, but for the sake of seeing the smile on Connor’s face when he could hold Jude’s hand, he could pretend. Pretend until that was how he actually felt. He’d get there, soon.