Chapter Text
I wake up, clenching my chest as if I just emerged drowning from an imagined lake. I grab my phone, trying to steady my breathing. 3:00 am. I'm not surprised it's not uncommon for me to wake up like this; especially on this day. I lay my head back on the pillow wiping the tears that have fallen from my eyes. I Imagine it's him; like I always do when I cry, I wonder if he's here with me. If they all are, that they surround me know laughing because they just woke me up. I know they would be if God would allow it. I want to believe it; But if God cared he wouldn't have stolen them from me! They would be here now, talking and laughing even though we had to wake up in the morning.
But instead of tears of happy exhaustion, instead of a group of seven needing to wake up to perform, to do an interview, to practice. They are tears of loss. A party of one waking up in the morning to mourn the loss of his family with the world. It's been ten years so why does it still hurt so God damn bad! Why can't I close my eyes without seeing their faces, hearing their laughs, picturing their smiles.
Why did they have to leave me. I feel a fresh group of tears start to leave my eyes; And if they can't be here why the hell am I not with them.
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Do this enough times, and you begin to block out the noise of their screams. I don't look at their signs I don't want to know that they want to comfort me. Want me to release a solo album, but more than anything I don't want to see the memories that are plastered all around me. The boy's face, the army bombs, the pictures of me when I was whole when I wasn't alone.
I take my seat on stage next to Yeonjun, and the rest of the boys. If it wasn't for them I truly would be alone in the world. " How are you?" Yeonjun places his hand on my shoulder. I block out the screams of excitement from the crowd. The moment the boys were gone and became close with Yeonjun the world forgot about Tae, about... Jimin. And they started shipping me with him. Were we even special or are we just part of their erotic BL fiction stories?
I fix my attention back on Yeonjun. " As good as I can be." He nods in understanding. " Want to come over for a drink after this?" I agree.
The memorial is a blur as it always is. I don't even remember what I said in my speech. Probably a similar rendition of what I've said every year.
I don't knock when I get to the txt boy's apartment. They are all sitting on the couch holding beers. They are quiet; any other day things would be much more upbeat. If losing the boys was life shattering for me; it was building for the members of txt; every move they make publicly and privately is led by the idea that life is temporary. That the family they have created could be taken from them at any moment.
Soobin stands up taking a seat on the floor. " Take my seat Hyung." My heart breaks as I take the seat that he just abandoned. I love these boys and am great full that they have welcomed me into their group, but it will never be the same, but it's a truth none of us talk about.
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I stumble back to my apartment barely making it before running to the bathroom sick. My throat is dry from the tears and I throw up. I could die of dehydration, and I hope I do.
I shouldn't be alive, I don't want to be!
I pull out my phone and open the voicemail that I used to listen to over and over when it first happened. Now I only listen to it once a year.
"Kookie! I know you're mad at us" Jimin's playful voice comes through the speaker. " Don't be mad, you know that we will support you no matter what you choose. Just come to the studio and we can all sit down and talk about it." My tears are uncontrollable now, I'm hyperventilating my heart beating unsteadily as my body withers in pain. " We are a family Kook, and no matter what happens we will always be one. Oh my God Yoongi what is -" The line ends abruptly It was a hit and run, A hit off a bridge and run. They all died on the scene. And I was...
Who the fuck cares where I was! I wasn't there I wasn't there and now they are all gone! And who cares that I'm here the six best parts of me died ten years ago! I throw my phone and it shatters against the wall. My heart races that message is the only living thing of them I have left. I pick myself up to much in a hurry that I don't see the beer bottle on the floor tell I step on it.
My head hits the wood of the floor turning my dim world completely dark.
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Jungkookie! A familiar ghost says joyfully in my ear. "It's time to wake up!" The ghost jumps onto my back squeezing me tightly. " We don't have time to sleep in today, we are filming a dance practice." I'm stuck between tears and joy, I want to wake up tell the ghosts that I can't bear them today. But I also want to capture it in my arms and make it stay with me forever. I squeeze my eyes forcing a final tear to get out and open my eyes. When I turn on my back my body is broken from a dream. " Get up Kook." I jump at the boy smiling next to me. I would scream if I wasn't so happy that my dream isn't over yet.
" Hobi?" My voice is horse, making it impossible to hide my emotions. The smile is wiped from his face, he quickly places his hand on my forehead I gasp at how real it feels. " Do you feel sick? Let me grab Joon." He starts to leave but I keep his hand grasped firmly in mine. Even if this is a dream. I will not let him disappear on me. "I'm fine, c-can we just lay here for a minute."
" So cute." He Lays back down beside me, cradling me in his arms; I don't know what is happening, but for the first time in ten years. I feel the smallest shred of peace.