Chapter Text
Good day. This is Kim Yongsun’s conscience speaking, with a little story for you all. Okay, maybe not so little. You guys can be the judge. Welcome to the inner workings of Kim Yongsun’s mind.
[Solaaaahhhh min–*cough* sorry couldn’t help it]
I’d like you all to remember that there’s been some magic that has transpired between this author-nim and me in this alternate canonical secret dimension that we are in currently. It has allowed me to share with you what exactly has been going on with our beloved Yongsun that her fans, you pretty Moo Moos, cannot see. At least in this chapter, I shall be your narrator, and sometimes I will be addressing my charge directly, or the person who owns me, which is of course, as already mentioned, Kim Yongsun or Mamamoo Solar. Now the thing with this woman is sometimes she hears me, sometimes she doesn’t. She consults with me only after some deep thinking on her own, you see. Our Yongsun was blessed with a very strange brain, you see. So I hope she hears me through this story and through our author-nim.
Anyway, I hope the pre-clears up any confusion.
Having said that let me begin my exposition of Solar’s mind.
[Solaaaahhhh min–*cough* sorry jeez you have no idea how many times a day that randomly pops up in here, in the subconscious department]
Today Solar has found herself with a very rare few free days in her schedule, seemingly out of nowhere, following her whirlwind of a time as of late trying to be, well, everywhere. So much so it had gotten to the point where she had to self-deprecatingly hashtag herself: #doingeverythingbutasolocomeback.
Although she’s not going to say she hadn’t enjoyed herself immensely. She loved every one of the activities that filled up her schedule, regardless of how hectic it would get. And, with no further need for thought, she’s sure it wouldn’t have been as enjoyable if she wasn’t constantly exposed the entire time to a certain Moon Byulyi, in person, or through the regular pinging of her KaTalk.
It all could have come to a head with Byul indeed ending up guesting at her MBC Radio DJ gig after cutely, and very publicly, requesting an invitation.
Solar’s done a lot of growing up lately (the hitting 30 thing really gets to you despite her press release of 30 being just like 20). So while things are happening in her life that she didn’t really pay much thought to (more like, these things, she saw as the will of the Universe), she has, indeed, learned to quiet her mind and focus and reflect on parts of herself and her every day that are of true importance. One of the results of these reflections is the warm appreciation she’s developed for whoever did, indeed, bless her with a relationship as unique as the one she shares with her Byul-ah.
For some magical reason, local mainstream broadcasting companies have long acknowledged and harped on the very thing they were initially warned to be careful about–their chemistry. On the contrary, the Korean public looks forward to seeing them bicker and play fight but work together, without the whole idol girl group thing, on-screen; ordinary people, who may not even be into K-pop. Now, would there be any other public figure in Korea who can say that about their relationship with their closest fellow female friend? Dare she say that at this point, they were pretty much Korea’s First National Pair of Besties. Or something. In any case, Solar is thankful for this huge blessing.
On the day of Byul’s guesting she found herself saying things to her favorite group member (Shush, okay, her favorite is whoever’s asking, really! Cross her heart!) she wouldn’t normally say so shamelessly, especially in public, as if she was driven by a force she had no/no longer had any control over.
On-air she jabbered away about how happy she was Byul was able to join her, affectionately retracting her more commonly heard “I begged them not to invite you,” joke. She proudly explained Byul’s album concept, completely and coherently and with no guidance, as if it was her own album. When asked if Moonbyul was still one of the three things that made her happy again whenever she was stressed five years after the first time she (shockingly for some) declared so, she didn’t even take the time to tease.
“Moonbyul!” blurted out as if she had just downed an entire bottle of truth potion.
Oh, AND she apparently accepted Byul's heart. Albeit along with the weak disclaimer (sweet resignation?) of "I have no choice."
Her favorite part was reading that screenplay though. Byul’s expressions made her want to tell their company to simply replace ‘Mirani’ and ‘Seori’ with ‘Solar’ in those teaser scenario thingies they released for the MV’s. Oh dear heavens, her sweet star’s reactions had never been as heart-wrenchingly cute. She thought she was going to squeal. She almost didn’t care that Byul said “Money,” instead of her own name when it was her turn to answer the ‘three things’ question (but she did care, see, her voice thickened significantly in response to Byul’s “I’m just kidding!”)
But what people may not have known is how all of that was pre-empted by the Solarsido Just Interview session she filmed with Byul a bit before that guesting.
Solar’s newly-found mastery of deduction and analysis (which she actually found herself a natural at after exploring it, probably hence her change in MBTI) reached its full potential after she had come to understand and accept something (finally, ten years in the making), right smack in the middle of that interview.
It was that the red-head sitting in front of her looking all ethereal in the natural light, with her shameless, self-assured answers but humble, self-effacing (lovely) laughter, exuding of inner peace, this girl was the heart of her heart, her soulmate of soulmates; transcendent of all known titles and Earthly relationship levels. What she was experiencing with Moon Byulyi was not an experience of one human with another. It was beyond that.
They say meeting a ‘soulmate’ is kind of like encountering someone who was cut out of the same cloth as you. It certainly did feel like that at first: Byul happened to be as crazy as her but as shy as her, as deceivingly deep as her, as loving of animals as her, as adventurous as her. They would randomly show up together in mysterious yin and yang outfits (not the same get-up, but complementary). They would enunciate long sentences at the exact same time and at the exact same speed without prompt.
And on the flip side, Byul instantly picked up on what makes them so very different from each other as well, all her little quirks, and immediately chose to love them with no exceptions or conditions.
And Byul was very outright in showing this love, restraint never once entering her consciousness. She was young but she was sure. She loved her unnie bravely and purely, making herself terribly vulnerable. Especially since she expected nothing in return.
As time went by and the more moments they had of wordlessly being able to understand each other, more moments of distress because they were apart (even when they were well past the age of BFFs always wanting to be together); and fewer moments of those weird, intense fights, the ‘soulmate’ storyline just didn’t seem to work anymore. After everything they’ve been through and the time they spent not wanting to be apart, even while considering the depth surrounding the concept of a ‘soulmate’, it felt…insufficient.
Solar would sometimes feel this clear and…inexplicable, but powerful latch between her and Byul when she was close by, or holding her hand. Or worse, staring at her with those eyes, with that profound look of resignation. Byul would look at her like that during a conversation where they struggle because they’re in the middle of a loud award show, and what Solar would see there is something definitely akin to the moon’s acceptance of the reason it shines so brightly in the night sky, which is that her light comes directly from the sun.
Which strangely, Solar thinks, is the same way Byul would look at her when they would fight those crazy fights. Regardless of the method, Byul would always spend a few seconds to stare directly at her with those same eyes, before either stomping away and slamming the door, or sitting somewhere to sulk and not speak to her in the days that followed, prior to the arrival of a photo of a corgi (or more recently, a Janggu) in her KaTalk.
The feelings those moments provoke have only grown stronger and surer with time.
She could be doing a live stream from on top of a toilet bowl and feel as if she was sitting on the throne of some Greek god. Or doing nothing at a little pool villa by the sea, feeling as if she was spending a thousand dollars a night in the world’s most luxurious hotel. Safe and light, a full manifestation of humanity, having fulfilled the purpose for which she was put on Earth, which seemingly was to be next to Moon Byulyi for as long as possible. And this Moon Byulyi would just naturally be there, gently and subtly worshipping her in various ways.
So then, if we’re going to keep using the cloth metaphor, then (pay attention Yong is so proud of having come up with this one) she and Byul felt more like two halves of the same cloth rather than two little cloths cut out of the same big one. Or maybe something like THEY’RE the big cloth, a giant one that expanded so much it had to split into two, like how twins are made. It made more sense to her.
What she felt for Byul, and maybe even who she and Byul were meant to be, was the will of something much larger than simplistic human beings. That’s the only explanation she can come up with for this…this strange but powerful pull, this resolute, infallible connection, and all of the following unusually aligned realities:
(1) why in English there is ‘moon’ in Byul’s name and ‘sun’ in hers (also, that in English, ‘byul’ is star, and the sun is a star);
(2) why in number form her birthday is Byul’s birthday backward;
(3) Byul says her mom’s conception dream of her was of a dragon; “yong” is a word for dragon in Korean;
(4) that creepy mole they share on the exact same location, below an eyebrow, but on opposite sides;
(5) their box in the MBTI compatibility chart being blue (“ideal match”), as if that’s so easily achievable in life with another person, and not only that, as mentioned her MBTI had switched but still, the box is blue (under this we can probably mention that they have the same blood type);
(6) Byul’s uncanny, effortless connection with her family;
(7) why Korea loves their dynamic despite it being supposedly taboo and unconventional
(8) everything that was previously enumerated when we were talking about her and Byul and the concept of soulmates, on top of all these other scarily specific things, so specific they need to be numbered;
( p.s. on that bit about Byul’s conscious, unconditional love for all her little things: she returns this love, she really does, and she’s very much aware of all of Byul’s little things too, she loves every bit of them wholeheartedly)
And lastly and the most important one:
(9) the complete and utter joy, calm, and completeness she feels when the other girl is close by, as also previously mentioned.
They have supporters throughout the world, too, outside of Korea. She figured that for any kind of person, whatever culture you’re from, it was probably wonderful to witness two very real people treat each other this way; real people who were not conjured by the writers of a romantic-comedy KDrama. Indeed, the gratitude in Solar’s heart for having been chosen to be the one watched (and not one of the ones just watching) for being in one of these rare and beautiful relationships (oh, the beauty of it makes her heart flutter, truly) is inexplicable.
What more can she ask for here? Right?
…Well, there is one tiny little issue. We’ll call it ‘the future’ .
Solar and Moonbyul are the best kind of best friends there are. And as already discussed, their connection is a level above soulmates, if that, after the above essay, is already comprehensible to you by now, dear MoonSun fan.
Fact is, it would be better for this situation if right now MoonSun were madly in love with each other and so live happily ever after and have a bunch of, either, cute adopted babies who need someone to love and raise them, or, expensively produced children biologically both of theirs in theory and through science. Yes? Yes.
…Why is that not so, then? (yup, I ain’t here to tell you they’re secretly together, nope, that’s not how this fic is gonna start)
Yong has thought about this too, you know. Told you, she’s a grown-up now.
Regardless of how much the country loves them, Korea is still Korea where gay marriage is not only illegal but how, when there was an attempt to simply propose a same-sex civil union, it was completely condemned. Fortunately, with the help of brave members of mainstream media (*cough* Moonbyul [Mamamoo] feat. Seori - Shutdown; keep streaming peeps *cough*) the country is slowly gaining more education on the matter. ‘Slowly’ is the operative word here.
It probably wouldn’t be okay to just suddenly go “Hey Korea you know us? Your beloved Yongkong Byulkong? Yes, we’re broadcasting our wedding on <insert date> watch it okay? Since you guys love and support us so much?”
Yeah, no. Along with that riot, there goes the humble beginnings of Mamamoo’s longevity. Are we really going to risk a group that is taking all the right steps in becoming legendary? The longest-standing, most diverse, most credited, still active 3rd generation girl group today. That’s a non-negotiable right there.
…Although their families would probably enjoy their union the most though. At least that’s out of their hair.
But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Let’s go back to the best of the bestest friends factor. What if, since the birth of YKBK was beyond their control, its demise…how can she be sure it can be something she and Byul will be able to prevent? If they decide to release it into the abyss for it to foster uninhibited? Regardless of how even more beautiful it may grow to be? That’s how big this thing we’re dealing with is. And it was painstaking, bringing it to where it is now.
What if it ends and it’s messy?
Hell, why are we even considering otherwise? If it ends, it WILL be messy. Too much at stake and too deep and mighty a connection to risk. Chaos. It shall bring forth the destruction of much more than just their precious, precious, carefully built friendship. And the pain. Oh fuck, it would be unimaginable.
That sounds hellishly scary so how about we stay in our safe zone here where around us we can put up our sturdy, reliable yellow tape on which we have a big fat “CAUTION” printed? Let’s stick to our gratitude, and all that good stuff we were saying just a bit ago, and stay put where we are, right?
Omo. Aren’t we making a lot of sense here, Yong, we sure are. However, unfortunately, we have strayed from the overarching idea here, which is that whatever this is, it’s out of our hands. THAT’s our most accurate thought out of all of this. ‘ The will of something much larger than simplistic human beings.’ How do we go against something with a power like that?
We are hereby resting our case. Once and for all, Kim Yongsun, you are to accept that what you are is a mere mortal with a soul under the influence of something we may believe in but never be able to fully explain. We simply cannot fight that, Kim Yongsun. Why have we wasted all this time, and so much of our energy, trying to?
Let’s leave the inner workings of Solar’s mind now and come back to present events.
So today Solar has a free day. Here comeback day is coming up, and the prep is going well, so she’s on break from all that insane practice of her artistry. Which is basically straining her singing voice by sending it into a computer through a recording microphone. Breaking her own heart from fictional breakup lyrics. Either that or forcing herself to sound like she’s madly in love with a fictional chara–wait…
Where did our Solar unnie decide to spend her free day anyway?
It’s indoors but it smells like grass and a little like perfumed sweat. The ceiling is high and sounds are echo-ey. Surrounding her are people yelling and gesturing at an open space where on both sides there is a net, and two teams of uniformed women are kicking a black and white ball around so that they can eventually kick it into one of the nets.
“Byul! Byul, pass!”
I could’ve just said Solar was on the set of Kick A Goal. But that wouldn’t have been as fun, would it?
Here’s something else that’s fun, it’s so much fun Solar is super super tickled by the idea: she didn’t tell Byul she was going to be here. Oh no she didn’t. This is a complete surprise visit! Squeeeeee! Byul didn’t even ask her to come.
Come to think of it, Byul never begs her to visit her shoots or things like that anymore. She actually didn’t make a fuss over her missing the Lunatic shoot like she usually would. Byul asked her when she was coming and she didn’t make it, and that was that. Which makes her sad.
Actually, something around here (where I live you know, since I’m Solar’s conscience) has shifted. Something big. Without prompting, to make up for her not being able to visit the MV shoot, Yong promised, out loud, to buy Byul food in honor of her comeback. And she did! If you saw that weird pizza-like green cake on Moonbyul2da, that was from her, amongst other things to eat. That cake is so expensive but very good!
Anyway, we’ve drifted again. What I’m trying to say, is that because of said big shift, here we are. Yong has surprised Byul before, of course, but this time around she wasn’t all tsundere about it. You’re going to say there was that little event at the Selfish MV, right? She showed up there after pretending she couldn’t go at first. She made Byul suffer a little first and then surprised her.
Now though, “Byul” and “suffering” together even just in a frame of thought, made her want to cry.
…Well, to be truthful, since the time Solar’s mind made itself up and declared that they cannot fight the force that brought her and Byul together, just thinking of Byul made her want to cry.
But even after all the breakthroughs she’s made in her mind’s inner workings, the realizations take time to stick. She thinks the feelings may be from all the recording she’s doing–the love songs she sings making her think of Byul, because she loves Byul. Plain and simple. Byul is her best friend, and best friends are not as common as the little girl she once was thought they would be. Best friends, real ones, are very hard to come by. So Byul is what she thinks about when she has to channel her thoughts toward love that isn’t for family or for the Moomoos. It’s been that way since they got close and she had to sing love songs for a living. And then the thoughts go away after the album comes out.
At least, that’s what she’s always thought. But I’m her conscience so I know better.
Solar constructed a breakwater inside of herself, using the strength of the love we just mentioned she had for Byul. She thought she would be safe behind it.
And from how I see it, our lovely Moon Byulyi, in turn, put up her own structure. A dam.
That girl has hearts pouring out of her. She freely gives them out to everything–her family, animals, nature, the fans, ordinary people, peaceful situations, life in general. It’s just so easy for her.
But the hearts she had for her Yongsun unnie? They were precious. She couldn’t have those pouring out of her so carelessly. So she held the ‘excess’ in a dam. You see she had lots of hearts, lots and LOTS of hearts for her unnie. Most of them her unnie did not need. Thankfully, so far, her dam had been strong. She’s actually thinking of making more space in there since these days there seems to be more excess than before.
She may have this tendency to spend time on needless worry, but mostly just on things concerning her own self. Byul was put on Earth to be a person for others. So for those important to her, she will be as strong as can be. Thus, a dam made as strong as the ocean current to go against the strength of the ocean itself. That’s equilibrium, is it not?
It is if you convince yourself that the strength of the ocean current is a strength you may own. Alas, only the ocean can be as strong as it is. As infinite as it is. It is impossible to hold the ocean in a dam.
The dam will break, and the contents, Byul’s ocean of love for her unnie, will rush out and crash against the breakwater her unnie built.
Today, we’re at the set of Kick A Goal, and Solar is here to completely surprise Byul for the very first time. Today, the force of the universe shall destroy the dam and the breakwater.