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“I have to go,” Sunghoon announces after checking something on his phone, already standing up from the bed to pick up his clothes that were on the floor.
“Already? I thought you were gonna stay the night?” Jongseong asks, sitting up on the bed as he watches Sunghoon dress up. It’s barely even been an hour, and the male is already leaving him behind.
Sunghoon looks at him with an apologetic smile.
“Sorry. I know I promised, but Jaeyun really needs me right now. Heeseung hyung just broke up with him.”
Oh.
So it’s about Jaeyun again. Of course, it’s about Jaeyun again; it’s always been about him. What did Jongseong even expect?
“I’m really sorry, Jo. I promise I’ll make it up to you next time,” Sunghoon continues. He’s now completely clothed, picking up his bag on Jongseong’s bedside table.
At this, Jongseong forces out a fake smile, shaking his head. “It’s alright, really. No need to apologise. Say hi to Jaeyun for me, yeah?”
Sunghoon nods, smiling at him. “Alright, thank you. I’ll get going now.”
It’s the last thing he says before sprinting out of Jongseong’s room, and all the male could do was helplessly watch Sunghoon leave him behind, just as he always does.
Jongseong shouldn’t even be surprised anymore at this point. Sunghoon had never stayed, always immediately running off to Jaeyun whenever the male calls or texts him, always leaving Jongseong behind even when he promises all the time to stay and make it up to Jongseong.
Jongseong shouldn’t even be surprised anymore at this point, but he can’t help but be hurt about it every time. How Sunghoon would kiss him senseless and give him all the praises, telling him he’s pretty and that he’s been such a good boy while fucking him, but right after he would leave Jongseong and run off to Jaeyun as if nothing has ever happened.
It hurts, but what can Jongseong even do about it, anyway? He signed up for this. He wanted this.
Sunghoon had never liked him, never looked at him the way Jongseong wished he would. Sunghoon had never looked at Jongseong in the way that it mattered to him. He’s only ever been a toy for Sunghoon to play with every time he gets bored, a toy he can easily discard when he gets tired of it.
It was only Jongseong who had stubbornly thought there could be something more to this, something more than the stupid fuck buddies setup they have made for themselves. Jongseong genuinely thought that maybe if he gives Sunghoon what he wants, that maybe if he offers all of himself to Sunghoon, the male would like him back. That maybe Sunghoon would grow to love him soon.
But life never works out the way he wishes it would. Not for people like Jongseong. Not when Sunghoon is helplessly in love with Sim Jaeyun, always running off to where the male is with just one call or text.
And now that Jaeyun is broken up with Heeseung—the last thread of hope that Jongseong had been foolishly holding on to, he’s sure that there won’t be a next time for this anymore.
Sunghoon won’t come running to him anymore.
Except, there is a next time.
“Sunghoon? What—”
Sunghoon doesn’t even let him finish, already crashing his lips onto Jongseong’s the moment the male opens the door, surprised at the sight of Sunghoon appearing in front of his apartment late in the night. Jongseong’s sleepiness immediately goes away.
The kiss is hurried, rough, and all wet as Sunghoon closes the door behind them, leaving open-mouthed kisses on Jongseong’s neck as he hurriedly strips him naked, desperate like a devotee praying to his god.
But Jongseong isn’t a god. He’s just Park Jongseong. He’s just a human being—just as flawed, just as desperate.
So he meets Sunghoon with the same hunger and desperation, even if he knows that every time Sunghoon kisses him, there’s only one person in his mind and that person isn’t Jongseong. It will never be Jongseong.
But it’s alright. Let Sunghoon use him for as long as he wants. At least Jongseong still gets to have Sunghoon this way, even if it’s in a way that he doesn’t exactly want.
He’d rather have Sunghoon like this than not have him at all.
The next time Jongseong finds Sunghoon in front of his apartment, it’s because of a different reason.
“Back too soon?” Jongseong teasingly asks upon opening the door to welcome Sunghoon, grinning at him. The male only shakes his head, laughing at Jongseong’s question.
What came out of Sunghoon’s mouth next is something that will haunt Jongseong for a very long time, the younger’s voice lingering in his head, a ghost tethered to its home, unable to leave.
“Jaeyun and I got together,” Sunghoon announces, lips curved into a smile. Jongseong had never seen Sunghoon smile at him like this—eyes bright and full of genuine happiness as if nothing can ever hurt him anymore.
And he’s happy. He should be happy because all Jongseong ever wants for Sunghoon is to be happy, but the male’s words make his whole world stop, his heart dropping to the ground.
So this is the end, isn’t it?
“...Jo? Are you alright?” Sunghoon’s voice snaps Jongseong out of his thoughts, pulling him back into reality.
Back into a place where it hurts.
Jongseong shakes his head, forces out a fake smile as he looks at Sunghoon. He’s been forcing out a lot of fake smiles and laughter these days, he notices.
“Sorry, I was just shocked,” he starts, letting out an airy laugh. “But that’s good for you, Hoonie! I’m so happy for you.”
Bullshit, his brain screams at him.
At his reply, Sunghoon grins. “I know. I’m so happy that Jaeyun gave me a chance.”
What about me? Jongseong wants to ask. Why can’t you give me a chance?
Why can’t you love me back?
Instead, what comes out of him is a different question.
“So, uhh, that means that we’re done now, right?” he asks, trying to make his voice sound as casual as possible even when deep inside, nothing about this feels casual to Jongseong at all. He feels like a house that’s about to collapse anytime soon, barely hanging by.
Sunghoon nods, not even thinking twice about it. “Of course, we’re done now.”
The house of Jongseong’s heart completely collapses once Sunghoon had left already, excitedly telling Jongseong that he’s going on a date with Jaeyun today. It’s their first date as a couple.
“I hope you find a good guy, Jo—the best out of all there is. You deserve it,” Sunghoon had told him before leaving, patting Jongseong in the back.
But the best isn’t what Jongseong wants. What he wants is Sunghoon. Is that really too much to ask for? He’s never asked for anything other than this, never wanted anything more than this.
As soon as Jongseong closes the door, he feels all the strength leave his body, his knees giving up. Jongseong drops to the floor at the same time tears start running down his cheeks.
He knew this would happen. He had prepared himself for this. But knowing and knowing are two different things, and you’ll never know how much things hurt until it actually happens to you.
Jongseong thought he could do this. That he could survive with only wanting Sunghoon. But the thing about want is that once you get a taste of what you desire, you become greedy for it and keep wanting for more, unable to stop yourself from wanting and wanting. Jongseong thought he could live with having Sunghoon this way, because at least he could get a taste of him, but he never knew it would soon destroy him.
He never knew that this would be the price he has to pay for wanting—his heart completely shattered into pieces.