Work Text:
I’m writing this letter as I sit in the airport lobby awaiting my flight to China. I won’t lie. I’m scared to see you and standing in the same room as you again.
Once upon a time we were young and naive, I remember meeting you for the first time. The immense relief to have someone with whom I could communicate in a vast unknown place. The reassurance that I could ask you about food and sleeping arrangements. I was nervous not gonna lie, you were already comfortable with the people around you. Charming your way into everyone’s life.
I would never describe myself as a shy person when it matters. I know how to strike conversations. How to get people's favor. But I don’t know how to open up about my feelings. Even for your strong stance you talked your feelings away. Even crying if you had too. I’m a person that tries to hide as much as I can.
Could never hide from you. Even if I tried. As the months passed and you became a fixture in my life I let myself hope. Surely someone as honest as you wouldn’t play with my feelings. There was no way I was imagining the touches and smiles you directed my way. But then again I hide everything so maybe you didn’t know how it affected me. Or maybe you did because I could never hide anything from you.
I remember the day you first kissed me, how you smiled afterwards and asked me to be honest with you. To tell you if it was bad. I’m surprised you could ever consider yourself bad at something when everything I know about confidence comes from you.
The secret touches and bad puns during our early content made me vibrate with hidden emotion. Hoping people would read into it. Would understand none of it was a joke. You had me and I had you. Hoping the small touches and shy smiles would give it away. That the suggestive questions and proposals would be enough to make my name a fixture next to yours. To have people talk about our love with the same devotion as they described the love between ethereal beings.
But… Everything changed and we drifted apart.
I find it hard to admit. I wanted you to need me as much as I needed you. I wanted to be the center of your world. I didn’t want to share you with the world. Especially because as you were away becoming more and more desired by the world I was hiding away nursing an injury and hoping to be on stage. I was jealous that you got to live out your dream and I got to cry alone. Angry that your need to be seen was harder than you need to see me.
The love I had for you was not enough to justify my pain and I felt left behind. I told myself over and over again I was happy for you but I just grew more and more jealous feeling like you didn’t understand.
And perhaps you didn’t. But you did try.
For that I’m sorry for not letting you into my heart. For pretending I was fine even when you could see I wasn’t and I’m sorry for putting a sour taste to your dreams. I knew you didn’t want to choose between me and your dreams. And even if I wanted to be chosen I wouldn’t have been happy if you ever did. Believe it or not I understand now.
I understand, because when I remember the excitement of our first time. I can only remember it being perfect because we killed the stage before losing ourselves into each other. I relate the feeling of our first I love you with green tingling lights and hopes of the future. That day I learned that unconditional love was real and it didn’t necessarily have to be coming from you.
Could feel it all the same. I remembered all those times being angry and left behind and I understand why you loved being away so much. I hated myself for trying to take that away. And as I practiced and practiced for my own moments of shine I remembered all the tears and smiles you let me watch.
I wish I could tell you I regret it. But the truth is that it had to be this way. Distance did a number on us. It could have been a fairy tail. A dream and something people can only see in movies. But the weight of our dreams is heavier than anything I had ever experienced before.
John this is my way of telling you that I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I’m sorry that you left me behind all those years ago. But I’m also thankful we did because you represent all my possibilities of being happy if I was a normal person. You’re the one that got away and my greatest could have been.
There’s no one in this world that could ever understand how much I love what I do. No one could love it as much as I do. It doesn’t mean I love you any less, it just means love isn’t always enough.
But I promise you I would love you forever and if one day you see in your heart to forgive me for sneaking out this fateful December. I’ll be waiting for you with open arms. I'm aware of the selfishness of my act but I’m scared and reckless. I'm desperate to feel something again. It’s like a drug that I can’t seem to be able to detox from. It's like I’ve lost part of myself since it all started to crumble down. I need to do this. I need to keep this alive.
To fight for not losing the only love that has ever proven to be unconditional. I know it’s reckless but you have to understand. I can’t lose this. But I can lose you.
Love
Ten