Chapter Text
06/19/2019
Jay was spacing out as he was sitting on their unit’s sofa. Alone as he waits for his partner to go home from work.
‘In all time, why now?’
Jay fastly inserts the thing that he’s holding when he hears someone punching the code for their unit in his pocket. Cold shivers run down his spine most especially when he remembers that Sunghoo told him earlier that they need to talk– about their relationship.
Jay already knew he would either break down or cry. So in all time, why now? In all the changes that they had, why now? Why in this situation?
“Jay–”
‘It’s now Jay– not Jongseong.’
“Hoon,”
[☆]
Silence rules the whole area as Jay and Sunghoon were sitting opposite each other, both wearing something casual for outside but one holds the greatest secret and one is holding a painful word that needed to be said.
“Let’s stop this”
Jay sighed, he knew, he saw it coming but he never thought Sunghoon could be this composed while saying that. Jay doesn’t know if he’s in pain, he just felt nothing but a landslide of thoughts in his brain.
His fist was unconsciously fisting the cloth of his jeans, not visible under Sunghoon’s sight.
“Okay,” okay.
It wasn’t that easy– it will never be that easy. It's okay but Jay thinks it will never be just fine, it’s unfair how the other side of this relationship cuts the ropes that are connecting them alone without consulting– without the preparation of letting go. It will always be unfair to Jay.
Okay. Because Jay believes that love shouldn't come with force, that love should be happy from all angles, that yes, love and pain come together but maybe– maybe love left them and let pain handle their relationship alone.
Okay because no matter how much Jay will argue– Sunghoon will always find his way out of this relationship because Jay is weak, Jay’s weak when it comes to Sunghoon’s freedom. Because Jay knew once Sunghoon uttered ‘please’ he would just say yes.
So cutting the chase and the pain short, he said. “Okay,”
But was it painful? He is waiting, Jay is waiting for Sunghoon to speak other than that, to explain to him the reasons why, to enumerate the factors that he didn’t do, and to explain what area he fails as a boyfriend. But after a while, his shoulder sags to the point that he thinks Sunghoon sees the way his world is crumbling down.
Okay.
Was it hard? For not worth it to hear the explanation why? It pained him greater than anything else in his life.
Because Sunghoon knew how much he hated having no knowledge over something and yet… he’s doing it to him.
Does he hate Sunghoon, then? He doesn’t, and Jay thinks he will never be.
He’s frustrated at himself more, he should have known from the very start, when it was all forced to stick, the time will always come when it’ll love the power to be together. Jongseong couldn’t tell more, his breathing was all thrown up and stuck in his larynx preventing him from speaking more, or maybe, it is his conscience preventing him from saying any other word than…
“Okay.”
Sunghoon stilled as he watched his former lover, his former home, his former resting place, walk away towards their room– towards the room that witnessed their start, their beginning only to see them falling apart.
He is ashamed of how easily Jongseong agrees with him, he couldn’t even follow him into their room. His knees turn a week to be able to be used.
He wanted to take it back, he wanted to take Jongseong back, to tell him that he is nothing when he isn’t with him but who was he to cut Jongseong from his dreams? When it is already on Jongseong’s doorstep and he is the one who’s being the hindrance for Jongseong to refuse the offer?
He was lesser than a man, lower than a mouse— he hurt the person he knew that would choose him in every cycle of life, and yet here he was… the one to let go for what he thought is a greater good. And he hoped it is really for something greater, for something that is worth all their sacrifices and tears.
Sunghoon leaves the unit about quarter to seven– an urgent matter comes up in their office, and Sunghoon without realizing it– bids his goodbye to Jay and places a kiss on the latter’s cheek, just as he usually does before leaving.
Just right after Sunghoon shuts the door, he places his forehand against it. His excuses were miserable but all can be lived. Because how can you expect someone to watch the person they are in love with prepare a bag. It was empty when Sunghoon saw it but it doesn’t mean it’ll remain that way.
Some other way or it might probably be now that he put an act of leaving. Jongseong—his baby , is already packing his clothes and Sunghoon doesn’t have the heart to watch and not beg him to stay and forgive him.
It is intense love, a knee-weakening love. And Sunghoon believes that love sacrifices all, and he just wishes it shouldn't be like that.
Sunghoon smiles as he stares at the empty bottle of liquor in front of him. He remembers how Jongseong would choose villains as his favorite rather than the hero.
Villains always sacrifice everything, ruin anything, and leave anyone for their love and that is what makes Sunghoon cries—maybe a little bit petty but he cries hard, maybe a little bit drunk but he weeps, because deep down he knew he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t be so brave and turn the world upside down for Jongseong.
Because Sunghoon believes love is sacrificing, freeing, and above all— gratifying.
If only Jay’s heart had its own eyes, it would all be swollen, all too red, and all in pain. You see, Jongseong thanked the universe for that, out of mannerism or out of impulses, Jay thanked the whole world for that, for a simple kiss that Sunghoon placed on his cheeks– even if it means goodbye, even if it means the last one kiss. He is still painfully thankful.
“Yeah, I really should,” Jay muttered as he removed all of his clothes in their closet, and boxed everything, from his shoes down to his shower baths. Finished around nine in the evening– still no Sunghoon in the door. Just like the usual again.
Jay doesn’t cry– yet. He doesn’t cry yet, he cannot even bring himself to. Jay stood up and faced the kitchen sink, cooked rice, a dish, and some refresher. His heart tugs a painful beat because the difference is that it is only for one. The serving is only for Sunghoon—the man who’ll stay here.
They’re done, they are officially done, after days of running their ass out of the issue– it was finally addressed. If only it turns out a bit better.
His eyes went down to the sink, already clean as he remembered the way it helped him shoulder the sickness– Jay sobs. His morning sickness. His baby. Their baby. Their supposedly family.
Pulling his car’s hood shut as Jay placed all of the things he needed, all of his things out of their five years' unit worth with love and assurance only to leave with pain and doubts. Jay is slowly feeling the pain in his chest as he starts his car’s engine, removing his car from the building’s parking lot.
Leaving his salvation, his personification of hope and diamond— his Sunghoon.
Jay closed his eyes as the stoplight turned red, remembering the interior of their whole unit– his previous home. Reliving the moment they first step in and bought it together, wherein promises were made. He wanted to keep the picture in his mind because he knew he will never, can never go back there anymore. Too much pain, too many memories, but in the same way– too much love.
Maybe it’s too much to ask but Jay hoped that they would meet again– in the future, with now healed hearts, with a happy smile, and contented life.
But Jay still ponders why. Why did it happen? Where did all the good things go? Where did it all start to crumble?
Coughing as he opened the window to his new space, was it a good thing that he did submit his resignation a week ago? Maybe it was, maybe it was also a sign of the universe. Jay needed a fresh start in life.
Looking at his turned-off phone, he smiled bitterly. His parents are long gone, experiencing no parent’s love—Jay will make sure, as he sits on the newly fixed bed, that he will be enough as a mother and as a father to his baby. He will pour every drop of his heart for the baby, for his offspring.
Because if the baby just went to them earlier, Jay knew how Sunghoon would take care of them– the baby being late or early doesn’t make him love his piece on his tummy a little. The baby is the proof of the love that Sunghoon and Jay have— even for the short time it exists, at least it did. At least they have something that they can hold for the remaining hours of the day.
Maybe Jay with Sunghoon is only a prologue— only the first few chapters in life and was not meant to be an endnote. Maybe it was destined to be Jay and Sunghoon, not Jay with Sunghoon. Maybe it is just like that from the start to the end.
As the dawn goes by, the bare and plain apartment that Jay had bought looks so spacious, that it looks like not his, it doesn’t even feel like home. Jay drags his eyes towards the window– wondering what Sunghoon is doing now. He still loves him, it is natural to still care about that man. Because a part of Jay was Sunghoon, a part of him was engraved on Sunghoon.
Jay couldn’t sleep, he needs to sleep, and his baby needs his sleep. Turning on his old cassette and playing the tape, goes to bed only to be lullaby by Sunghoon’s voice– it’s Sunghoon’s first cassette tape of confession back when they were just sophomores– and this is where Jay cried himself to sleep as he listens to his greatest love… that had just ended.
If ever someone will ask him if he’ll let Sunghoon meet their child— he would say yes, but if someone will ask him if he wants Sunghoon to be with him during the whole pregnancy— he’ll shake his head and tearfully say no.
Sunghoon deserves to know that he has this someone whom he can call his own— someone that is his. But Sunghoon watching and knowing what Jongseong is experiencing while having their child alone is something that is only for Jay to look at alone and reminisce about years from now.
The newfound life stage— a maternal stage that Jongseong is and will experience -- is only for him and to no one that even Sunghoon doesn’t deserve to know.
Jongseong smiles as the audio tape come to an end. It is something so familiar but it feels so far. Touching his unobvious tummy, slightly excited and wholly nervous about the new stage he is about to enter. Whispering words that he hoped his baby would understand— yes, maybe not now but he hoped.
That it's just him and the baby. It's just you and mama.