Work Text:
Onee-chan
For four tense hours, they drove in silence in Yamato’s travel-wearied car. Outside the rolled-down windows, the scenery passed by like still images preserved on glass slides. First, the unusual silence of Tokyo streets at the crack of dawn, then quaint cottages of sleepy towns. By the time they neared their mountainous destination, all signs of human civilization were put behind them, making ways for tall trees and pristine lakes. The only hint of man-made developments were the weather-beaten directional signs leading them to the hiking trail Sora had researched and mapped out in the days leading up to their trip
Now, with two hours of hiking under their boots and another hour of resting by the lake, Sora hoped there was finally enough distance behind them that Takeru could leave Odaiba behind and find some semblance of himself once again. But as she watched him march on ahead of her with sturdy steps, she had to accept the folly of this journey. There was still the same heaviness in his smiles, the same hesitation in his words. The carefree Takeru she beheld in her memory has evaded her grasp for far too long, the truth too heartbreaking for her to peg down a timeline. She couldn’t remember the last time she saw him smile without some grey veil draped over his aura.
Somehow, it broke her heart.
She would travel countless dimensions to find him again, not just because he was Yamato’s younger brother, not just because in a few weeks time, Takeru, too, would become her own younger brother. But because in the absence of the Takeru she remembered, she felt an absence of a part of herself, too.
Their path ahead changed suddenly, widening up to display the edge of a steep drop. Takeru changed course and dallied over as far as he could go, hanging his body over the edge as if he was ready to take flight.
“Takeru, careful!” Sora cried out in panic
Takeru turned to face the call, but made no move towards safer ground. Instead, he smiled and motioned to the scenery before him.
“What a view,” he mentioned casually as Sora skittered up beside him.
Her eyes met the wondery before them, and a delighted gasp escaped. She surveyed the wide open air splayed out across the horizon as far as they could see. These were moments where Sora was convinced the world was more sky than land, that she could fall through clouds and atmosphere for days and never reach the ground. A wistful smile played on her lips and peace settled in her bones, remembering all the times she rode high with Birdramon and Garudamon through rolling clouds and fields of blue. With her two feet tethered to solid ground, this was the closest she’ll ever get to returning to her kingdom in the sky.
“Reminds me of flying with Pegasmon or Angemon,” Takeru mumbled.
Sora chuckled, “I was thinking the same”
Takeru flashed a smile in her direction, but her stomach churned uncomfortably at the sight. It was an empty smile, the corners of his lips tilted upward in the motion of a smile, but it never quite reached his dull blue eyes.
Then, without warning and too sudden for comfort, Takeru dropped to the ground. Sora gasped in panic, instinct pulled her arms out, her hands grasping the empty space Takeru occupied seconds before. It took a few pattering of her hammering heart to understand that he hadn’t tumbled over the edge like she had feared. Instead, he simply sat down with his feet swinging over the gorge, those dead eyes surveying the land beneath.
“Takeru, that’s not safe,” she reasoned, “Come away from there, please”
“I’ll be fine, Sora,” he reassured her, “I’m used to this feeling anyways”
Sora took a few tentative steps towards him, then settled on the rocky ground beside Takeru, albeit she chose to tuck her feet towards herself while leaning away from the precipitous drop
“What feeling?” she inquired
“Hanging,” Takeru responded with his eyes closed. From up close and against the natural sunlight, she could see the subtle redness and the swell surrounding his lids.
“Hanging?”
“Yea…like this, hanging…just hanging. Hanging in the air, hanging in life, being left hanging, being hung up on, being hung out to dry…” he took a deep breath and bit his lips, then angled his face away from Sora. He adjusted the cap on his head, tucking it low to hide his eyes beneath the brim, but Sora’s keen eyes were adept at catching fine details, and she caught his fingers wiping at the corners of his eyes, and his palm pressing against them a second too long for it to be unremarkable.
“What’s wrong?” Sora spoke up.
Takeru forced another superficial smile, “Nothing…lots of dirt in the air, I think some got in my eyes” he commented with a dry chuckle
Sora sat up straight, hooking her intuition into their exchange the way her fingers dug deep into the meat of her thighs
“Takeru, you know you can talk to me about anything”
It took a full minute before he responded, it came in the form of a silent nod. With his face now turned away from Sora, she couldn’t tell if his eyes were opened or closed, or if they were dry or wet.
“Do you remember, Takeru, this one time we were in the Digital World, it must have been less than a day after we found ourselves lost there, I remembered you had fallen while we were walking, and I could tell that it hurt, but you told us you were okay. Do you remember that?”
Takeru shook his head, “I’m not sure…I was a clumsy kid so I used to fall a lot. It’s hard to tell one memory from another”
“Well I remembered it. I remembered it well because you were trying so hard to convince us that it doesn’t hurt, but I could see you were holding the tears in. So I told you…I told you it was okay to say it hurts”
Takeru remained silent, but at the very least, he was no longer forcing ignorance. To Sora, that was enough to keep trying.
“Life is a lot like that, isn’t it? Sometimes, we have to acknowledge the pain we feel inside. I know…”
But before Sora could finish her sentence, Takeru had shot up from the ground. He turned away from her while adjusting the strap on his backpack, his head and shoulders bent low.
“We should head back,” he commented, “This was a great idea, Sora, but…if we don’t head back now, we’ll hit traffic on the way back. I know you have that appointment with the wedding venue tomorrow morning…”
He sucked in a deep breath, as if steadying himself for an arduous task before facing Sora with his hand held out to her.
“Come on…I’ll drive us back since you drove us here,” he offered with a small smile
Sora eyed his outstretched hand, then back at the fake smile and dead eyes, the redness had deepened, and suddenly, Sora couldn’t take it anymore.
“Takeru!” she cried out, so forcefully, Takeru flinched at the call of his name
“Is…is everything okay, Sora?”
She whisked herself up to her feet, then grasped onto his hand.
“Takeru, I’ve known you for a really long time, long enough for me to know that you haven’t been yourself lately. I’m worried about you, Takeru.”
The corners of his lips pushed into another strained smile. He shrugged and eked out an awkward laugh
“I don’t…I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sora. I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. Maybe a bit tired from the hike…I mean I’m barely in shape…”
“Takeru, stop this! We’re about to be family in a few months. I care about you too much for me to let this go. Please let me in, talk to me, say something”
Takeru’s expression dropped. Gone was the fake smile and forced laughter. In their place, a heavy frown rolled in, followed by a vehement headshake
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“I know you don’t want to talk about this but you have to. I can see that you haven’t been happy in a long time, Takeru, and talking about it might make you feel better. It’s not good to keep things bottled up inside”
“I will be happier if we drop this. Please Sora, if you care about me, then believe me when I say I’ll be fine. I just need time to work through everything on my own. This is my burden to bear”
“But that’s the point, Takeru! Don't you see? It’s because I love and care about you that I want you to talk about whatever that’s bothering you. Love is wanting the best for the person you care about, even if it means having difficult conversations like these. And Takeru, listen carefully…”
She stepped forward and pulled him close, enveloping his body in her embrace
“...I only want the best for you”
Takeru’s body froze. Beneath the tips of her fingers, she could grasp onto the tension in his body, the rigidity of his muscles. Then, as sudden as the weather, it all melted away in relief, his body eased into her as a muffled sob escaped.
“Sora…” he called out her name in an anguish cry, and wetness pooled against her shirt
Tears percolated on her own eyelashes, but she held them back and pulled Takeru closer, her words of reassurance drowned in her own emotion.
Despite Takeru being almost a head taller than her, to Sora, Takeru will always be the small lost eight-year-old with the big green hat. She grew up an only child, but surrounded herself with younger Chosens she assigned herself to care for and look after, and although she loved each one like they were her own younger brothers and sisters, none so connected with her more than little Takeru. Perhaps it was how she knew, even before Yamato could sense it, that something was off, that something had been off with him for months. It felt like he was missing, a void occupying his physical body.
“I don’t know where to begin,” he admitted as they separated, his eyes were now saturated with tears, fat droplets of it distilled away and down his cheeks
“That’s okay, we can take our time,” Sora assured him. They settled back onto the rocky ground, Takeru turned himself to face the gorge, albeit with his feet now tucked into his body. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and what followed was a long palpable silence. Yet, Sora held onto his hand, running her thumb against his skin as she waited patiently.
“I guess…I guess I’ve been fooling myself all these years”
Sora held her breath, as if the slightest disturbance in the air would smash the fragility of this moment. Thankfully, Takeru continued not long thereafter.
“We were always so close. Always. For as long as I could remember. I thought for sure she felt the same way. I thought for sure we were meant to be together. After all, we are hope and light,” he gave off a light chuckle, “I thought wrong”
Sora nodded. She had guessed and suspected, basing her hypothesis in the telling ways Takeru’s eyes have trailed over familiar brown hair and soft amber eyes since he was young. Even in recent months, when those same amber eyes were now reserved for another man, Takeru’s blue orbs lingered, except now, they were tainted by the agony of heartbreak.
Now was the confirmation of all she knew.
“I was so stupid. So, so stupid”
“No, Takeru, don’t be so hard on yourself”
“When she told me about him , I told her…I was happy for her. I want to be happy for her, but the more I see them together, the harder it becomes, and the emptier I feel. The truth is, I selfishly wish it was me, Sora. I wish it was me holding her hand, I wish it was me kissing her, I want it to be me and I want it to be us. But…I can’t want that. I can’t want that because I should be happy for her. If I care about her, I have to be the friend she needs me to be. I have to be happy for her, I have to be there for her. I can't let it hurt. I can't be selfish...”
His words trailed off as he buried his face into his palms. Sora allowed the next few minutes to pass in silence, watching Takeru’s shoulders shake with the force of his quiet sobs. Then finally, she cleared her throat and spoke in a soft voice.
“You know Takeru, it’s okay to be honest with yourself, too”
Takeru looked up at her with red eyes, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion “What do you mean?”
“It’s okay to accept how much it hurts, and it’s okay to distance yourself from her for a bit, if that’s what you need right now.”
“Really? It doesn’t…it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m being…selfish”
Sora pressed her palm against his cheek, her thumb wiping away at residual tears that remained
“No, you’re not being selfish, Takeru. There’s no shame in caring for ourselves first. We have to acknowledge what’s best for ourselves because we need to love ourselves, too”
“Sora, I…I…” he took another deep gulp of air, then cast his eyes towards the chasm beneath, his breathing coming out in rough gasps as he spoke, “I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough for love. After all, I wasn’t enough for her, was I? What am I missing, Sora? What’s wrong with me? Am I not smart enough? Not funny enough? Not good looking enough? Am I too loud? Too obnoxious?”
“Takeru, you are enough . One of these days, you won’t have to force yourself to fit someone else’s criteria to make them like you. One of these days, it will all make sense, and it will be the easiest thing in the world. But today, today you can give yourself permission to accept the pain. Then one day, you’ll understand that you deserve more. You deserve more than unrequited feelings. You deserve more than being hung in limbo. Takeru, you deserve love”
The tears came, flowing out of him in torrents, dripping down his chin and onto their clasped palms, but this time, it was accompanied by a smile. A genuine smile, one that lit his dull eyes in a familiar sheen.
Hope.
“Thank you, Sora,” Takeru whispered.
Sora nodded, “I’ll always be here for you, Takeru. And in a few weeks, I’ll officially be your older sister”
Takeru shook his head slowly, his features glowed with a knowing light as his smiles widened.
“No, Sora, you always have and always will be my older sister. Thank you for everything, Sora. Thank you for always being my onee-chan”
Sora’s cheeks heated up, but she nevertheless returned the smile. They remained seated beside one another, both their feet dangling off the edge of the gorge with Sora’s hand encircled around Takeru’s. When she finally turned to face him, she was delighted to find a soft smile on his lips, bringing life back into those familiar blue eyes.
It was how she knew. After weeks of searching, she finally found him again.
Her ototo .