Work Text:
JOHNNY and MARK are relaxing on the couch of the 10th floor dorm. They are surrounded by moving boxes. MARK is scrolling through social media, quiet, as JOHNNY fiddles with his hands, trying to find an appropriate moment to speak.
MARK looks up.
MARK
What’s on your mind?
JOHNNY
You are, actually.
MARK
Huh?
JOHNNY
I was just thinking… When was the last time you and I actually got to relax together?
MARK takes a moment to think. JOHNNY can see the cogs turning in his head.
MARK
Not… since after 2020 promotions ended.
JOHNNY
Yeah. So I uh… I got you something.
JOHNNY pulls out several items from the kangaroo pouch of his hoodie.
A lighter, and two joints.
He places one joint in MARK’s hand.
JOHNNY
It’s been a while since we’ve… you know.
MARK
Dude…
MARK spins the joint around over and over in his hand, like a coin.
MARK
How did you even get this?
JOHNNY
My wallet is a lot skinnier than it was before. It’s not as cheap here as it was when we were touring.
(A beat.)
So? What do you say?
MARK grins slyly. JOHNNY, being able to read MARK better than almost anyone, stands up, and they both step outside on the balcony.
JOHNNY lights MARK’s joint for him, then his own.
The two smoke in silence, then head back inside.
MARK
I think I can feel it, man. Oh, dude. Yeah, fuck. I can feel it.
JOHNNY
Cute.
MARK
Thank you, man. For this. Like, it really has been a long time since we’ve just hung out.
JOHNNY
You’re always too busy.
MARK
I’m not blowing you off, hyung! I’ve got schedules like, pretty much every day now.
JOHNNY
I know.
JOHNNY takes a deep breath.
JOHNNY
I worry about you a lot.
MARK
What?
JOHNNY
You’re so young, dude. You’re so young and you’ve like… debuted seven times–
MARK
Four.
JOHNNY
Shut up. Yeah, four times. You’ve done so much. Don’t you ever, like, want to just chill out?
MARK
We’re chilling out right now.
JOHNNY
Well, yeah. But I meant for longer than one night. Like, a real break.
MARK
Um… well, no. Not really. I don’t think about it.
JOHNNY
You don’t even think about it?
MARK
(loudly)
Why are you even asking, dude?
JOHNNY almost jumps in surprise. MARK hasn’t raised his voice in a very long time.
JOHNNY
Because I care about you. You’re like… the younger brother I never had.
You know that.
MARK
Sorry. I just…
JOHNNY
Yeah?
MARK takes a deep breath.
MARK
I don’t know how to… how to not work. I’m always working.
Like, if I wasn’t doing something, I’d feel…
JOHNNY
Useless?
MARK
Yeah. A lack of productiveness leads to destructiveness.
JOHNNY and MARK laugh, almost to the point of tears.
MARK
Although… now that you put it like that… I do kinda want to like… see my family and shit. Go on a vacation.
Just like, have some time for myself or something.
JOHNNY
Do you think it’s been worth it?
MARK
You mean the working?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
MARK
I dunno. Maybe. Maybe it hasn’t. You know, this has got me thinking. The whole like, training and debuting thing, it’s probably like, changed our entire personalities beyond repair. And like, I dunno if that’s a good thing or not.
JOHNNY
I don’t think yours changed. You’re still that sweet little kid I met all those years ago. Except–
JOHNNY mimes a bong rip.
JOHNNY
You’re a lot less innocent now. But I think you kept the naïveté.
MARK
The naïveté?
JOHNNY
You’re just, like, too positive. Not to the point where it’s annoying, but to the point where I’m thinking something like ‘is he for real?’. Like sometimes it’s impossible for someone to think optimistically about shit.
But then there’s you.
MARK
I don’t know if that’s entirely true. Like, I try. I think I feel obligated to say things like that.
JOHNNY
Who’s making you say that?
MARK stares at JOHNNY for what feels like an eternity. He looks down at his lap. He snaps his head back up again. Back to reality.
MARK
Me. You know, the whole like, ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ thing. I think it’s like, what do you call it… projection? Yeah. That. ‘Cause, I don’t really feel that way, to be honest.
JOHNNY
Yeah?
MARK
I dunno… I’ve never told anyone about this.
JOHNNY
It’s normal to struggle, you know. Mentally. Shit, I do.
MARK
Yeah, but… Fuck, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a dick. Like, I don’t want to admit that I struggle mentally. ‘Cause, I don’t want to struggle. And if I don’t admit it, it’s not true.
JOHNNY
Yeah. Denial isn’t just a river in Africa.
MARK
Dude, that was awful. Anyways. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is watching over me – well, I guess it is – but like, if I fuck up even once, everyone will know, and like, I’ll always get shit for it. So I’ve gotta put on my A game, all the time.
JOHNNY
That’s called feeling under pressure.
MARK
Yeah, I know.
It’s one thing to just feel it, and another thing to feel it and know that it’s true.
JOHNNY
Has anyone ever told you that you’re good enough? That you don’t need to meet anyone’s expectations? You just need to keep going, and that’s fine?
MARK
No.
JOHNNY
Well. You’re good enough. Fuck, you’re more than that. You’re incredible. I think you’re some kind of dancing alien.
MARK
Thanks, man. I dunno. I’m sorry, this is kind of a lot.
JOHNNY
It’s okay.
MARK
Sometimes I think about what would happen if I just didn’t do anything. If I missed every schedule. If I never wrote a lyric, never showed up to the recording studio. What would happen? Sometimes I think about doing that. But then I realise how insane that is.
JOHNNY
You’re burned out.
MARK
Yeah. I’m burned out.
JOHNNY
I don’t know how you’ve been doing this for so long. You were just a kid. Everyone watched you grow up. You’re not some boy from Canada anymore… you’re a man now. Maybe it’s been ingrained in your DNA or something.
MARK
Yeah. Maybe it has. I could like, have graduated college by now. I could still be in Canada. Maybe I’d be writing books like I’ve always wanted to.
JOHNNY
I think about stuff like that too. Like, what if I never auditioned? What would I even be doing?
MARK
I think it’s destiny, that we ended up like this.
JOHNNY
Yeah. Destiny. I think so too.
MARK
I think I’d still feel like this, though. If I never auditioned. I’d like, feel pressured to write to meet deadlines or something.
Maybe that’s my destiny, too.
JOHNNY
You can change your destiny.
MARK
Can I?
JOHNNY
Yeah. I mean, even just by telling someone, you’re changing it.
It’s the first step in your journey.
MARK
That’s deep, hyung.
JOHNNY
What can I say? I’m good at this.
MARK
Yeah. You’re a good friend.
JOHNNY
I try. I think I feel obligated, too, but to like, guide you. In life. Maybe it’s like, some kind of paternal instinct.
MARK
You’re saying I’m your son?
JOHNNY
Well fuck, maybe. Although I’m kind of being a shitty dad by getting high with you.
MARK
Yeah, that’s… yeah. But, you know. You don’t have to take care of me. Like you said, I’m a man now. I can handle my own shit. Well, I want to.
JOHNNY
It doesn’t make you any less of a man to reach out to someone.
MARK
Well, yeah, but like, what could I even say? ‘I’m Mark Lee, member of one of the most popular K-Pop groups, loved and admired by millions of people around the world, and I feel like an untalented piece of shit’? I feel like I’m just being really ungrateful. I’m living out people’s literal dreams, and I’m saying that and thinking that.
JOHNNY
You’re allowed to think that. I’m not saying that you will, but a lot of people in our industry take a hiatus or leave–
MARK
I’m not doing that!
JOHNNY
I’m not saying you will! I’m saying, you’re not the only one to think it’s too much. You’re not alone. Even in our company, there’s people who feel like you do.
MARK
That… that kinda makes me feel better. Less guilty.
JOHNNY
I’m glad it does. You shouldn’t feel guilty. At all.
MARK
But I do, and that’s a problem.
JOHNNY
It’s not a problem. You’re really hard on yourself, Mark. I think you’re your worst critic.
MARK
Yeah. I am.
JOHNNY and MARK hear a door open, and inquisitively turn their heads to the source of the noise. JAEHYUN walks out of his bedroom. He’s wearing nothing but underwear, and is swaying along to the rhythm of what’s playing in his earphones. He stops when he sees the two on the couch.
JAEHYUN
Hey guys. What are you–
JOHNNY
Hey.
MARK
Hi!
JAEHYUN smirks.
JAEHYUN
High.
JOHNNY
Is it obvious?
JAEHYUN
Yeah. Your eyes are like, completely red.
I promise I’ll keep it a secret.
JAEHYUN walks to the kitchen, leaving the two alone again. He laughs a bit to himself.
MARK
Do you think if the company found out we were smoking weed that they’d like, kick us out?
JOHNNY
I think you think too much.
MARK
That seems to be the theme here. Me thinking too much.
JOHNNY
You’re too smart, that’s the reason. You’re too smart to not have these kinds of thoughts. Your mind has to always be on something, even if it’s bad.
MARK
I don’t know about the smart thing, but yeah. I do have to always be thinking of something. I wish maybe that I’d be thinking of like, decompressing.
JOHNNY
It’s not impossible.
MARK
It may as well be.
JOHNNY
It isn’t, though.
MARK
I’m not gonna argue with you. You’re too good at it.
JOHNNY
I know.
MARK raises his arms up, and stretches his body. He exhales.
MARK
Fuck, dude. I can’t believe we’re idols.
JOHNNY
I don’t even know how I got here. I think I was training for so long that they felt like they had to do something with me. There were a lot of guys who were better, too.
MARK
Don’t say that. You earned your place. They saw something in you.
JOHNNY
What they saw, I’ll never know. Well. At least I’m here now.
That’s all that matters. I made it. We made it.
MARK
We did. You know, there’s something I read on the internet. Some idols aren’t the best at singing, or dancing–
JOHNNY
Are you saying I’m not good at singing or dancing?
JOHNNY smirks.
MARK
No, asshole. Some idols just have that it factor. Like, you see them doing their thing and you know that’s what they’re meant to be doing.
That’s you. You’ve got the it factor.
JOHNNY
Thanks, dude. I don’t really know what to say to that.
MARK
You know, for someone who gives a lot of advice, you could really stand to take some of it once in a while.
JOHNNY
(smiling)
Fuck you.
JOHNNY and MARK laugh. JOHNNY looks at MARK fondly. He really is like a little brother to him.
JOHNNY
You wanna watch a movie?
MARK
Yeah. I think that’d be nice.
JOHNNY decides to put on a Spider-Man movie. Nothing too serious, but entertaining nonetheless.
MARK falls asleep on the couch. JOHNNY takes a second to admire how adorable he looks at that moment, before gently taking him into his arms. Lifting him off the couch, he walks MARK to his bedroom, and tucks him into bed. He leaves a glass of water on his bedside table.
That night, MARK dreams of what his life in Canada could have been like. He sees himself hunched over a desk, having just typed thousands of words. He looks up, over the monitor, and sees JOHNNY. JOHNNY tells him to just keep living, one day at a time. He knows that’s what he’s been told this whole time, but it feels more real, now that his subconscious has said it. MARK wakes up in a cold sweat. He knows he is on a journey, and there is no turning back.
The next day, all of their items have been moved to the new dorms. JOHNNY sees it as a way that MARK can move forward, into this new chapter of his life.