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The TV illuminated my otherwise dark room. I was balled up on my bed, praying that I wouldn't have to be by myself for much longer. I wasn't sure if I trust myself to be alone anymore. I was scared that instead of the usual comfort I got from being alone, I would spiral out of control and do something horrible to myself.
The gentle knocks on my door awoke me from my thoughts. Hopping off my bed, I strolled to the wooden frame as I attempted to muster up a smile. Once opened, I was greeted with the Raven-haired boy who was wearing a small smile, his arms carrying an assortment of different snacks.
"That was fast," I remarked, grabbing a bag of chips from him.
"River, I live like two doors down, of course I'm going to be here fast," Lukas stated, walking through my doorway and kicking the door closed.
"Good point." I set the chips down on the coffee table by the couch and quickly went to grab more blankets from my bed. Lukas organised all the snacks on the table before falling back onto the couch.
"Think fast!" I yelled, throwing a Waluigi pillow at his face.
"Wha- OW, what the fuck?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowed, yet he was smiling at my strange antics. I just grinned in response.
Climbing over the arm of the couch, I plopped myself next to the boy.
"So, what are we watching again?" Lukas asked as I fumbled with the TV remote.
"That new Disney movie everyone is on about. Jyn said it was really good, and I want to watch it with you." I explained. Finally, the TV remote decided to cooperate. Once Disney+ had loaded in, I clicked on the new animated movie. Laying the remote on the table, I grabbed a packet of sour cream and chives chips.
To be perfectly honest, Jyn's recommendation wasn't the only reason why I wanted to watch the movie. I just really needed a distraction from everything that was going on. I just really wasn't thriving. I mean, it was inevitable. I had been riding a pretty good high for a couple weeks. But still, I think it's kinda rude how hard I fucking fell. Everything seemed to be a fucking problem now. It was so hard to fucking enjoy anything, so what was the fucking point
A gentle tap against my shoulder woke me up from my thoughts.
"River? Are you feeling okay?" Concern laced the Raven-haired boy's voice.
"What? Yeah I'm fine." I lied through my teeth, a smile gracing my lips.
"You're crying River."
Only then did I feel the tears that were dampening my cheeks. I quickly rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands, desperate to keep my facade up. Until I felt two hands wrapping around my wrists.
"Please don't rub so aggressively, you'll hurt yourself." He said. I looked up at him, my vision blurry from the silent tears.
"Do you, uh, want to talk about it?" He brought our hands down, laying mine on my lap. He repositioned himself. He faced me, sitting cross-legged
"No no, it's fine, I'm just being silly. Just… give me a sec." I sniffed, trying my best to stop being so pathetic.
"Hey, no, you're not being silly. Please don't say stuff like that. If you don’t want to talk then that's fine. I just need you to know that I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I know I may not give the best advice, but I'm here to listen River. Please don't forget that." He reassured, giving me a small smile.
"Are you sure? I don't want to dump all my problems onto you." I questioned. He reached for my hand and gave it a soft squeeze.
"You're not dumping everything onto me. And besides, I'm in a really good place mentally so I can deal with whatever you throw at me." The smile he gave me tugged at my heartstrings.
"Thank you, Lukas, this means a lot to me." I smiled back.
"So I've been feeling really good lately. I managed to move on from some toxicity that was plaguing my life without much trouble. I was feeling really good about my body for once. School has been going well and I was just, thriving ya know." I began.
"But a couple of cracks started to show up. I started regretting cutting off the person I did," Lukas gave me a knowing look, "I feel bad. I think I really hurt them. But I'm worried that if I go and apologise, they'll try to re-insert themselves back into my life. And I really don't fucking want that. I've also been strangely missing them?"
"Please, please don't become friends with them again. You know how everyone felt around them and how fucking pushy they got." Lukas pleaded.
"I swear I won't, but it's still hard to not feel guilty. I'm almost certain that they have hurt themselves over me. Also! They used to call me some funky names right," the boy grimaced, knowing fully what sort of names I was talking about, "do you know how frustrating it is when you're reading some fucking good fanfiction but can't continue it because when it gets spicy, one of the characters calls the other one ma- uh, one of those names!"
My semi playful anger made Lukas giggle causing me to smile as well.
"But seriously, there are some things I can't do anymore because it reminds me too much of them. And thinking about them makes me go into a spiral of guilt. Not fun at all." I pouted, remembering all of the fun shit the person and I got into.
"Hey, it'll be alright. You could probably just do all that stuff with another person who's special to you so that it cancels itself out?" Lukas suggested. He had tilted his head to the side so his suggestion came off as more of a question.
"That might work? I'll think about it," we exchanged small smiles before I began the next topic.
"So you know that I have a fucking strange relationship with food right?" He nodded, "well mother dearest decided it was a good idea for us to start a diet. Cool, I'm not against that. But oh my lord, do you know how hard that is for me. I can go like 12+ hours without eating anything but now that I'm being challenged like this it is so hard to keep up. I have an actual problem, Lukas."
The quiet boy's hands came up to my face again since the floodgates had failed once again. He cupped my face and smiled sadly.
"Can I have a hug please?" I choked through sobs.
He held his arms out and I flopped against him. My pathetic crying had gotten louder and more aggressive. Lukas rubbed small circles on my back telling me that it was okay and everything was going to be alright.
After a while, the weeping had stopped, and yet Lukas didn't stop comforting me. The room was silent except for the occasional sniffle.
"Do you want me to get you some tissues?" He broke the silence.
"...please." My voice came out hoarse. I got off of him so that he could get up. The absence of his warmth was vaguely upsetting to me. I didn't have to wait very long before he came back with the tissue box and a glass of water. I nodded a thank you.
After chucking the used tissues in the general direction of the bin and sipping the water Lukas had brought me, I tried again
"Ugh… Sorry about that-"
"Please don't apologise, River. You're going through a lot right now. We can stop here if it's getting too hard." Lukas's kindness was starting to be too much for my heart.
"I think I'll be alright to keep going if I just ignore food right now," He nodded in response, "okay this uh, this bit may get a bit dark. Uh, I think I may have an addiction to pain?" His eyebrows furrowed.
"Yeah, I know, kinda strange haha. But uh, as you know I have a problem with hurting myself. So it has gotten a lot more frequent. Like scarily so. I think I do it almost every day? And it's not always me cutting myself. A lot of the time now I'm scratching myself so much that I tear away multiple layers of skin. And then once that's scabbed over, I tear the scab off. I never used to do that, but now it's become a habit. I don't know what to do. I know it's unhealthy but it helps me ground myself. I'm worried that if this doesn't satisfy me anymore, I'm going to do something even more dangerous." I said.
"Wow. Okay, uh… give me a second to… process all of that." The male replied, his eyes filled with worry.
"Alright, I'm not really sure what to do in a situation like that. But, can you please promise me that if you ever have the urge to hurt yourself, text me? I don't want to know that you're doing that and that I can help prevent it," I nodded, "okay, cool thank you. Um…-"
"Lukas, darling," I reached up to cup his cheek, "Please know that if you have no idea what to do in a situation like this, I don’t expect you o to give me advice. That's just unrealistic. I just need you to listen and hug me. If you are completely certain you know how to help me, then tell me. Otherwise, I don't want you wracking your brain for a solution to my problems. It's nice, but it puts too much pressure onto you." I stated simply.
"Okay, alright. Thank you. We're going to get through this shit together River. I believe in you."
I closed my eyes and brought my arms above my head, stretching. "Jeepers that was fucking depressing. I'm sorr-," I began to apologise but stopped when I saw the look Lukas was giving me, "uh, anyway. Should we continue the movie?"
"Yeah that sounds good."
Grabbing the blanket that had fallen on the floor. I snuggled against the boy who was kind enough to listen to me vent.
"Hey, Lukas?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for listening to me, it means a lot." With that, I placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and unpaused the movie.
"N-no problem…" He replied meekly.
I smiled at his reaction. Knowing that I had such an awesome person like Lukas by my side to support me really helped me believe that everything was going to get better.
It will get better.