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"Last time you told me you enjoyed cleaning me up or whatever... But it's almost as if you don't love me enough to feel anger or jealousy."
The weight of Ibara's careless words came crashing down the moment they left his lips. Heavy on his shoulders, heavy in the uncomfortably quiet room. His lips parted again, desperate to say something, to try and fix his blunder, but Yuzuru's chuckle beat him to it. The briefest sound of laughter, brimming with emotions far beyond Ibara's vocabulary. Ibara lifted his nervous gaze from the curled lips it had spilt from, but unlike the sound Yuzuru made, his eyes seemed to hesitate on his feelings. The closest guess Ibara could make was 'regret'.
"Ibara..." Yuzuru began, and hearing him start with his name was enough to make Ibara's stomach drop but what followed made him nauseous with anxiety.
Yuzuru averted his gaze. Long lashes shielding his eyes, he dropped his gaze from Ibara to his hands folded on his lap.
He almost looked like a guilty child.
No, Ibara wished that thought would go away. He wanted Yuzuru to be angry at him. He could fight back against anger. But this, he had no strategy for.
When Yuzuru decided to continue and looked at Ibara once again, he did so with glossy eyes that were holding back more emotions than Ibara was comfortable witnessing.
Yuzuru's lips moved but it was only an eternity later that the sound that came out reached Ibara's ears.
"I have always loved you too much to pursue you."
And with that, one of those emotions came falling down.
Yuzuru's eyes focused on the wet spot that formed on his clothes. He swallowed and continued,
"All those years ago, back when we were mere children, somehow I already understood you were not meant for me."
"I-"
"Don't." Yuzuru stopped Ibara.
An uncomfortable laughter followed. Yuzuru wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. Deep down he was embarrassed by his tears but it easily got drowned in the sea of emotions he had found himself in.
"It wasn't even just that you weren't meant for me. I wasn't meant to have things. I wasn't meant to have friends or feelings, I wasn't meant to do anything I wasn't explicitly ordered to do. Yet I dared to love you, care for you. Ibara, you were the first person I cooked for not because I was told to but because I wanted to. I wanted you and that was how I knew I would never get to have you."
Having admitted that Yuzuru paused for a second, giving Ibara the chance to interject.
"But since you're always so possessive of other things, I thought..."
Yuzuru nodded. He could imagine how it looked to Ibara.
"When we were still in high school, when we ran into each other in that cafe, you told me I had started wearing a collar around my neck. You were more than right. There was once a time I rejected my duties but over time I had this collar beaten into me and around that time, I realised that it would not be possible for me to take it off. So I learned to own it. It was the least I could do to regain some control: I made the life I was given mine and I grew possessive of what was mine."
There was another pause as Yuzuru assessed his next sentence.
"I love putting an actual collar on you, cuffing you and tying you up, precisely because I can't feel possessive of you outside of what we do here. It is rather comforting to know that you sleep around with the express intent of making me jealous and maybe... maybe it is stupid of me to say this so bluntly but even if you were genuine in your infidelity, I doubt I would be able to chase after you, knowing that's where you are happy."
Part of him regretted letting those words leave his mouth. They had coiled around his throat and were making it hard for him to breathe.
He closed his eyes. The truth stung, especially when it was his truth.
As for Ibara, he felt a greater discomfort. It wasn't anything new for Yuzuru to be vocal about his love, Ibara needed much reassurance after all, but hearing this level of honesty, seeing this unprecedented level of vulnerability... It made Ibara feel like something had shifted in his reality.
He scooted forward and gently placed a hand on Yuzuru's damp cheek. Worn out, Yuzuru cracked his eyes open.
"I'm sorry." Ibara whispered.
It was a minuscule act of sincerity compared to what Yuzuru had just laid on the table but the attempt made Yuzuru smile anyway.
"I know you weren't trying to be malicious."
Ibara captured Yuzuru's smile with his lips, a kiss chaste on flesh but deep in their hearts.
"You know..." Ibara caressed the spot he was holding. "I don't do it just to make you jealous."
Yuzuru's question was silent but Ibara heard it clearly.
"I can't stand it when you say cheesy shit like how I am your favourite mess to clean up..."
"How heartwarming." Yuzuru couldn't help but smile at Ibara's wording.
"Let me." Ibara continued with a mildly irritated tone. "...But sometimes you talk about 'cleaning me up' because I am, and I quote, 'a filthy slut'..."
Yuzuru smiled wider.
"Now that makes it worth the sentimentality... and the hassle of trying to get people to fuck me."
"I'm surprised that it takes effort." Yuzuru's response was half a jab half genuine.
Ibara shrugged. "I suppose it is unconventional to try to sleep with your co-workers."
Yuzuru raised an eyebrow at that.
"What?"
"Co-workers?"
"Yeah, I love hearing you say I sleep with random men but unfortunately I'm not that stupid."
"But people who know you?"
"People I know can keep a secret. And even if they can't, they know the blackmail would be mutual."