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Gray had underestimated how difficult undercover work was, but not in the way he thought Erza had probably expected him to. Playing the villain wasn’t that hard, he could be an asshole to everyone here without feeling bad because they were all actually dark wizards who joined Avatar of their own free will, and he wasn’t lying about wanting to find the Book of E.N.D. and destroy it. No, the hard part was that he had to do it alone. No backup, nobody to let his guard down around, no contact with anyone he knew. Even exchanging intel with Erza was done via dead drops, though at least she kept him updated on how everyone was doing, to the best of her knowledge.
The longer the mission dragged on though, the more often Gray found himself sprawled across his bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing ardently to be anywhere but here. He wanted to be back in Magnolia, surrounded by the guild hall’s near-perpetual low roar and the century’s worth of magic sunk into the building’s foundations. He wanted to be out on the road with Erza and Natsu and Lucy, joking and arguing and sharing campfire-warmed food because Natsu refused to take the train. He wanted to be home with Juvia, in their little cabin in the hills, the silence between them soft and comfortable.
Gray jolted slightly, eyes refocusing on the ceiling over his bed. Had he really just thought of that crummy little training base as home? Home was Fairy Tail, the guild hall and the people in it, the studio flat in Fairy Valley he’d been renting for the better part of a decade now. That had been true for years, but now the thought felt... insufficient. Gray groaned, and twisted to lie properly on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He was being stupid, just like his friends always accused him of. What was so great about that ghost town anyways?
There weren’t any distractions from his training, that was nice, but having to make the hike into the next town to get groceries balanced that out in his opinion. The weather and terrain were nothing special, the house wasn’t that much bigger than his place in the dorms, the only thing that place had over Magnolia was- was Juvia. Sometime in the half a year they spent cohabiting, Gray had gotten used to her presence. Had grown accustomed to her being in his space when they were relaxing, her magic flowing alongside his as they trained, her attempts at cooking, the smell of her shampoo when she showered in the evenings.
When he closed his eyes, he could picture her so clearly; late afternoon sunlight glowing gold against her pale skin, shining in the soft curling waves of her hair where it spilled over her shoulders. The way her eyes scrunched up when she smiled, the curves of her body slotting against his own when she linked their arms, the way her lean muscles moved when she cast her blouse and jacket aside during training, the little sound she made when she stretched her arms over her head after a workout... Gray groaned into his pillow, and tried to suppress the sharp, sudden ache of longing in his chest.
It was hard to bury though, and harder to ignore. Juvia could take care of herself, he’d only told her it was too dangerous for her to take this job with him because she couldn’t act for shit, and if they’d come in together and blown their cover too soon Erza’s whole operation could’ve gone up in smoke. Juvia hadn’t even argued, just promised to be waiting for him when he came back. Came home. To her. Which he wanted more than anything right now.
Oh. Oh no. Fuck.
Gray rolled onto his back, dragging the pillow along to press it against his face and muffle whatever noise might leave his mouth. This couldn’t be happening. He’d feel the same if it was Lucy he’d been living with for six months, right? Lucy genuinely wasn’t strong enough to be trusted with a job like this, though unlike Juvia she was exceedingly good at keeping her stories straight and playing a role. Try as he might though, Gray couldn’t even start imagining wanting to go home to Lucy, or to Natsu or Erza or even Cana. His friends, his family, and he couldn’t think of a single one who he wanted to come home to more than Juvia. Juvia with her warm smiles and strong hugs and constant touching, her eyes blue as the sky and hair softer than Gray had known hair could be. Juvia who he-
Gray sat up, pulling the pillow from his face to clutch against his chest, staring at the wall. He couldn’t love her, he just couldn’t. Everyone he’d ever loved enough to come home to had died, and he wasn’t- he’d had to leave her behind because he couldn’t protect her. He couldn’t be in love, or it would happen again. E.N.D. was out there, and he just Knew that anyone he loved that deeply would be in danger until he killed it. His eyes slid down from the wall to look at himself, at the dark markings of his Demon Slayer magic that he’d never shown anyone, even Juvia.
Even two and a half months in, he still wasn’t used to the way it crept across his skin, blacker than ink and a hundred times as sinister. Half-demon, Mard Greer had called him. Juvia deserved better. Deserved a man who didn’t have to rely on cursed blood to be powerful. Even with his Demon Slayer magic, he wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough. The thought of E.N.D. putting its claws through her chest, striking her down as easily as ripping a page from a book, made his chest and throat go tight, and Gray curled around the pillow clutched to his chest.
He couldn’t love her. Not until he was worthy of her.
Not until E.N.D. was dead, and he was strong enough to protect her from anything else that would seek to take her from him.