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Chapter Text

It was a bright, sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom. In the shade of a tree in front of Peach’s Castle, Mario was dozing happily, mumbling to himself about spaghetti and ravioli. All of a sudden, he heard a scream, accompanied by what sounded like rapid-fire popping sounds. As he got to his feet, yawning, he could feel someone jump behind him, wailing for help, as well as see a figure running towards him. The figure suddenly leaped into the air, pointing a gun. Mario screamed, as a volley of orange ink exploded upon the ground around him, setting him ablaze and knocking his head off.

“C’mon guys!” the figure said. “It’s not training if you don’t shoot back at me!” Mario recognized that voice. It was his friend, Meggy Spletzer, and the “gun” she held was actually a Splattershot.

“But Mario wants to sleep!” he said, annoyed at losing his head and having his nap interrupted. “Eating spaghetti all day makes you very tired.”

“Um, do we have to shoot AT each other?” asked another voice, nervously. That was Tari, who had been screaming earlier. She then held up a copy of Duck Hunt. “W-wouldn’t it be more fun shooting at things in a game instead?”

“I can’t Tari,” said Meggy, as Mario tried putting his head back on, unsuccessfully (“Ah, piss”). “The Splatfest is coming in two months, and I need to train.” Tari sighed. Of course Meggy would be training this far in advance. The Inkling was very passionate about Splatfest, much like Mario with spaghetti, or Tari herself with video games.

“Okay, okay,” she said at last, grabbing her own Splattershot, “I’ll help you, Meggy!”

“Hey what’s up, bitches!!!” a synthetic voice called out from behind Tari, startling her. She swung around and fired her Splattershot at the voice, screaming.

“Holy fish sticks!” It was Bob Bobowski, who flew backwards from the shot, landing near Fishy Boopkins, who yelped in surprise.

“Um, hey guys!” he said, cautiously.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!!” cried Tari, as Meggy and Mario (now with his head back on) complimented her “nice shot”.

“Are you boys here to help me train too!?” asked Meggy, excitedly.

“Uh, no,” said Boopkins, “we’re wondering if-”. But before he could finish, Bob leaped up to the roof of the castle, startling Boopkins.

“We’re having an anime battle to see who can be the most anime!” he said, while making various poses. Meggy was confused, while Mario and Tari showed great interest (“OOOOOOHH!”), as Boopkins leaped onto the roof next to Bob.

“And that’s why we wanna get YOU to be the judge, Meggy!” he declared, pointing towards the Inkling girl. Meggy, however, was not keen on the idea at all, given her dislike of anime and all, though Bob seemed to believe otherwise (“Sounds like a yes to me!”).

“...Sorry guys, but we gotta go train,” she said, and walked quickly away. However, Mario and Tari weren’t interested in any more training.

“Ooh, guys, can I be judge!?” asked Tari, excitedly, though Bob and Boopkins didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, who’s gonna be the judge, now?” asked Boopkins.

“I don’t know,” said Bob, as Tari continued trying to get their attention (“Pick me, pick meeeee!”), “maybe Toadsworth likes anime?”

Suddenly, a shadow enveloped Bob, and he looked behind, to find Tari on one of the spires of the castle, performing an anime pose of some type.

“Please let me judge!” she begged, as Boopkins and Bob looked on in amazement.

“The weeb is strong with this one!” said Bob to Boopkins, who couldn’t agree more.

“That’s a great idea!” the green Spike said, “You can be our judge, Tari! Let’s go!” And with that, Bob, Boopkins, and Tari set off for the anime battle.

“Hey! Mario wants to be Naruto, too!!” shouted Mario, and he ran after them, passing Meggy on the way.

“Guys, wait! What about the Splatfest!?” exclaimed Meggy, but the Italian plumber was having none of it (“Uh, bye!”), leaving the Inkling girl to pout.

Challenge 1: Who can run like Naruto the fastest?

The four friends were situated at a hill, with a road winding down for around a half-mile. Tari stood at the bottom, where the finish line had been designated, while Bob, Boopkins, and Mario waited at the top.

“Alright, ready?” called Tari, as the others prepared themselves.

“Set.” And on “Go”, Tari dropped her robotic arm, and the three boys set off at once. They remained neck and neck for a while, with Bob taking an early lead (“Get out of the way, bitches!”), before Boopkins drew in front, huffing and puffing the whole way.

“I can’t run like this! I got stubby little arms!” he panted, as Bob quickly closed the gap.

“I’m so damn fast, boi! Better watch your ass!” taunted the Garo.

“Bob? What are you doing?” asked Boopkins, as they ended up side-by-side.

“Showing off my smexy ninja skills!” said Bob, who suddenly stuck his leg out, yelling, “SECRET NINJA LEG JUTSU!!”, and tripped Boopkins, who fell far behind. Just then, Mario zoomed past, laughing.

“I’m fast as fuck, BOI!!” he yelled. But Bob was having none of it.

“Do you really want to challenge me, Mario?” he asked, extending his sword-like arms outward.

“I don’t know about that one, chief,” replied the red plumber, as he made several hand gestures, causing three clones of himself to appear behind him.

“Impressive, now it’s my turn!” said Bob, and he attempted the same gestures (“I don’t know about my butt cheek!”), but instead of creating clones of himself, he created clones of Bob the Builder instead (“Oh, Goddammit!”).

“Let’s get ‘em, fellas,” said Mario, and his three clones leaped at Bob and his “clones” (“Well, crap”), before launching them into the stratosphere.

“Team Bob is blasting off again!” yelled Bob as he sailed away, while Mario launched himself across the finish line (“Yahoo!”).

“Wow, what an epic battle!” announced Tari, as Mario celebrated his victory (“Woo! Get fucked, bitches!!”), “Mario wins using a quick witted Shadow Clone Jutsu!”

Challenge 2: Who can do the best anime love confession?

“Wait… what are we doing?!” asked Tari, incredulously, as they stood in a park. Suddenly, the three guys began pursuing her, much to her horror.

Boopkins attempted the “Tsundere” approach. “Senpai, it’s not like I like you or anything, but I think you’re cute! B-Baka!” He then turned to Tari after he was done. “So, what do you think?”

“...Yes?” said Tari, not entirely sure if she was okay with it. Just then, Bob swooped in, knocking Boopkins out of the way.

“That’s not how you pick up chicks!” he said, “Let me show you!”

Before Tari realized it, everything became dark, except for a single spotlight illuminating her, with soft music in the background. Then, another spotlight turned on, revealing Bob, now wearing a fedora, which he tipped in her direction (“M’lady”).

“Uh… Hi Bob…” stuttered Tari. She was a bit creeped out by this, if she was honest. It only got worse as Bob continued attempting to “serenade” her.

“In this moment… I am euphoric,” he stated, “not because of any phony God’s blessing, but because, I am enlightened by my intelligence.” Tari just stared in disbelief (“wut”).

“What I’m saying, m’lady…” Bob continued, “I can be your angle (he meant to say “angel”) or your devil.” Tari was so weirded out by all of this, that the background went back to normal.

“Alright guys,” she said, inching her way away from the guys, “this challenge is making me uncomfortable-”. But before she could say any more, Mario showed up (“Hoo-ho! Hello!”).

“I love you!” he declared, simply, much to Tari’s relief.

“Oh thank God,” she said, “Something normal for once…”

“And to really show you my feelings,” continued Mario, “I got you a present!” He then produced, seemingly out of nowhere, an unconscious man in a business suit and glasses. “I kidnapped Hideo Kojima! I know how much you like gaming crap!” Tari looked closer. Sure enough, the man was indeed the famous video game developer himself, and she could only facepalm at this.

“No one wins…” she declared at last, thoroughly unamused at all of the boys’ antics, so they moved on.

Challenge 3: Who can scream like Goku the best?

The three boys stood in a different park, near a fountain. They all stared at each other, Mexican standoff style, before they all began, well, screaming like Goku. As Tari watched all this unfold, a Goomba mother and her children walked by and stopped, staring at the spectacle before them.

“Uh, I don’t know these people…” claimed Tari, as the Goomba and her kids quickly moved on (“Kids, don’t look!”). Just then, Boopkins turned blue (and yellow?) in the face, before passing out, leading to Tari running over, and crossing her arms in an “X”, signaling that the no longer green Spike was out, in more ways than one.

Mario, meanwhile, began screaming loudly enough that his pupils went white, electric sparks flew from his moustache, and he lifted into the air. Bob followed suit, with a white aura enveloping his body, and lifting into the air as well. It was so intense, that nearby rocks (and an old man) began lifting into the air as well, much to Tari’s amazement. The two competitors continued screaming, until finally, Mario’s head exploded, and he fell to the ground, before Tari signaled that he, too, was out. Bob eventually finished screaming, and with a flash, suddenly had a head of spiky, blond hair (over his cloak?).

“Hell yeah, bitches!” he exclaimed, happy at having won the challenge.

“B-Bob… wins…” stammered Tari, in further disbelief.

“Suck my nuts,” taunted Bob, “I am all powerful! No one can defeat me!” Unfortunately for the Garo, Shaggy overheard this, and turned his head to stare at Bob. Fortunately, Bob knew when to call it quits (“Just kidding!”).

Challenge 4: Who can speak the best Japanese?

The group were now seated at a table in a Japanese restaurant, waiting for their waitress.

“I speak the best Japanese, watch this!” proclaimed Bob, as the waitress walked over. It was their friend, Saiko Bichitaru. She was… not in the best of moods, as usual.

“Apparently, I have to be here for this segment,” sighed Saiko, annoyed. “What do you want?”

Bob’s attempt at Japanese was… questionable, at best. “Watashi wah Bob-u desu me love you long time ;)” Saiko was not amused, and slapped Bob in the face, sending him flying across the dining room, and into Hideo Kojima, though the Garo didn’t seem to get the hint (“She digs me!”).

“Oooh… let Mario try!” exclaimed the Italian plumber, and he began his… (sigh)… “attempt”. To be honest, Mario might have had a better chance if he had remained absolutely silent. The stereotypical accent he chose only made things even worse. “Eeergh! Kon’ ni chi wa! Four twon-ty braze it-” This time, Saiko was more content with flattening Mario’s head with her oversized mallet, as Tari looked on in disbelief. The pink-haired anime girl growled, increasingly frustrated at the guys’ horrible (and slightly racist) attempts at speaking her native language.

“You guys, that’s not how you do it!” said Boopkins, and he walked over to Saiko, before clearing his throat… and speaking perfectly fluent Japanese, much to the amazement of everyone at the table (and even Hideo Kojima). A few seconds later, he was finished, having asked Saiko about her day.

“Why, my day has been good!” she responded. “Thanks for asking!”

“Wow… Boopkins wins!” declared Tari.

“Arigato, Tari-chan,” said Boopkins.

Challenge 5: Who can win an anime argument?

Fishy Boopkins and Tari sat across from one another in a darkened conference room. Boopkins, for some reason, was wearing glasses, which he adjusted as he leaned in.

“You must understand why I must win, Tari…” he said.

“Err… why?” she asked.

“Because I truly am one with the weebs!” declared Boopkins, and he began laughing in an evil way… or at least, he attempted to. Suddenly, another voice shouted, “OBJECTION!”, much to Boopkins’ shock (“NANI!?!”).

“Not if I can help it, bitch!” announced Bob, who was wearing extremely pointy triangle sunglasses. Boopkins and Tari were shocked.

“Tsk, tsk, Boopkins!” said Bob, and he pointed towards Tari, “Tari-chan knows that it is I, Bob, who can win any anime argument!”

“Ha ha! Your anime knowledge is far less superior than mine!” laughed Boopkins. The argument was now in full swing.

“Oh yeah?” asked Bob, “Well, I summon my trap card!”, and he pulled out an oversized Yu-Gi-Oh Trap Card labeled, “Fak You”. “It counters any argument, bitch!” Boopkins was shocked.

“No, it can’t be!” he said, as Bob began laughing. Soon, the argument quickly escalated.

“I bet you can’t summarize every One Piece episode!”

“Try me, bitch!”

“The series focuses on Monkey D. Luffy, a young man, who inspired by his childhood idol-”

“There’s a lanky-ass pirate that eats a pineapple or something, and-”

The two friends had completely forgotten about Tari, who could only stare in disbelief at the spectacle (“Umm… what?”). She then turned to Mario, who had been silent the whole time.

“Pingas,” he said.

“...You know what? I think you win this one, Mario,” said Tari, throwing her hands up in exasperation. This seemed to please the Italian plumber (“Ho! I did it! I did it!”), so they moved on.

Final Challenge: Who would win in an anime battle?

The three boys gathered in a field in front of Peach’s Castle for their epic battle, each sporting determined looks and glowing auras. Mario and Bob approached each other first, and the Garo began giggling in an evil way, then pointed at the plumber.

"Anata no o shiri o byoki ni keru,” he said, which roughly translated meant, “I’ll kick your ass,” although Mario didn’t seem to understand or care.

“I don’t speak Japanese,” said the Italian, narrowing his eyes, and he rushed at Bob, screaming a battle cry (“ATATATATATATATATA”), before leaping into the air, declaring, “SUPER MARIO YEET!”, and launching a kick at the Garo. Unfortunately, Bob jumped out of the way in time, much to Mario’s shock (“Oh, no!”).

“Not good enough, asshole!” said Bob as he landed, unaware that Boopkins was behind him.

Now’s my chance! thought the green Spike, and he ran towards Bob, shouting, “Ultra Shadow Kenkai Buster Technique!”, failing to realize that calling out your attack doesn’t make it a sneak attack. Unsurprisingly, just as it was about to connect, Bob suddenly disappeared, much to Boopkins’ shock.

“Huh? Where’d he go?”

Suddenly, Bob appeared behind Boopkins (“Nothing personal, kid!”), and he began swinging his sword-arms towards the green Spike, only to discover that he had attacked a frog plush toy.

“Nani the fuck?”

At that moment, he heard a scream to his left, and turned just in time… to receive a kick to the face from Boopkins, which sent him flying into a nearby tower, causing an explosion upon impact.

“Ha ha, take that!” said Boopkins, proudly. Then, he heard a strange noise behind him, and turned to see Mario with a menacing look on his face, and a distortion effect around his body. The red plumber then looked at the Spike, with a wide, open-mouthed grin, and his moustache seemingly bigger than normal.

“Time to die :D.”

Mario then launched himself at Boopkins (“Here we go!”), creating a small explosion in the process. Boopkins was shocked at the plumber’s speed. Then, Mario began throwing fireballs every which way towards the Spike (“ORAORAORAORAORAORA”), much too fast for Boopkins to dodge, and eventually, he was launched far away from the battle site, landing near a giant mushroom.

“Nice efforts! Woo…” Tari cheered halfheartedly from behind the mushroom.

“It’s-a me, god of death!” taunted Mario, and he began dancing, now with a red aura surrounding him.

“Looks like I’ll have to use two percent of my power!” Mario turned, and there was Bob.

“Time to end this!” declared Bob, but Mario was unconcerned.

“Oh, whaddaya gonna do now, big boi?”

Then, Bob began channeling ki energy into his hands, and shouting. I think you all know where this is going.

“KAAAAAA-”

Mario was shocked.

“-MEEEEEE-”

“Bob! Stop!” yelled Tari, “It’s too dangerous!” But Bob was already committed.

“-HAAAAAAMEEEEEE-”

“Run, bitch! Run!!” exclaimed Mario, as he tried to escape, but it was too late.

“-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

And with that, Bob unleashed a massive Kamehameha, which took out Mario, a passing Lakitu, a house…

…and at that very moment, Princess Peach exited her castle, singing a song to herself. She crossed the bridge over the moat and turned around…

…only to stare in shock at her castle having been destroyed by Bob’s blast. She then turned again, finding Bob, along with Tari, Boopkins, and Mario (who was unconsious and on fire).

“Um… Goku did it,” stammered Bob. The others just gulped. They knew they were in very big trouble. But they had no idea just how much trouble was to come.

Chapter Text

Mushroom Kingdom News

“Breaking news!” said Kermit the Frog in a newsroom, “The recent destruction of Princess Peach’s Castle has been attributed to an anime-style battle between local residents Bob Bobowski and Mario.” Footage of the aftermath of the battle was shown, with a brief cut to pictures of Bob and Mario, before Kermit continued. “Many residents have since reported feeling uneasy about the possibility of additional damage being caused by anime, and have called for something to be done about the situation.” The news segment then cut to Kermit on the street, interviewing people.

“Pardon me, ma’am,” he asked a Goomba mother, “how do you feel about anime right now?”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” she said, indignantly.

“Excuse me,” Kermit asked a young Toad named Frankie, “what do you think of anime?”

“I like turtles!” said Frankie, who wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb, or even a moderately bright one. There was another cut, this time to footage of Princess Peach addressing a crowd of displeased residents, as Tari, Bob, Boopkins, and Mario watched on.

“In response to the residents’ concerns,” narrated Kermit, “Princess Peach has decreed anime a public safety threat and banned it… FOREVER! An official division of the Police Department, known as the Anime Secret Service, has been established to stop the distribution of now illegal anime.” To punctuate this, the news feed then cut to Toadsworth addressing another crowd about how awful anime was (“Why don’t you understand that anime belongs in the trash?”), before setting it alight.

  One Week Later...

“Well… you really did it this time, Mario,” said a voice, as the Italian plumber was watching a nighttime public burning of anime-related merchandise in the city square. Mario turned to the speaker, SuperMarioGlitchy4 (also known as SMG4), the creator of all the videos Mario and his friends had appeared in.

“Eh, anime is stupid, anyway,” said Mario. “Besides, she’ll get over it. She always does.” That wasn’t an untruthful statement. The castle had been destroyed multiple times before (often due to Mario’s own shenanigans), and every time, Peach would get upset for a while, before moving on and getting the castle rebuilt.

“I don’t know about that,” sighed SMG4, “she seemed pretty serious this time. Although, I can’t help but wonder why-”. He was rudely interrupted by Fishy Boopkins wailing in despair, as an A.S.S. officer tried to take one of his anime body pillows (“No, don’t take Sagaru-chan! She’s my last one! No!”). The officer then kicked Boopkins away, and threw the body pillow onto the fire, feeling proud of himself (“I saved the world :D”).

“I wonder if this is going to have any major consequences,” pondered SMG4, “and be the spark that ignites a series of huge events.” Mario, however, was completely unconcerned by this (“Nah, it’s probably nothing.”).

“No, you don’t understand!” exclaimed Boopkins, sadly, “Anime is my life!” He began to cry, turning away from the others. SMG4 sighed; the last time Boopkins had been this sad was when Bob threw away his friendship with the Spike to pursue a rap music career, and the meme-lord knew it would be cruel to not at least try to do something about it.

“Don’t worry, Boopkins,” he said at last, “we’ll help you get through this. Right, Mario?” But Mario was, once again, unconcerned, to the point of insulting Boopkins (“NEEEEEERRRRRDD”). SMG4 responded by punching him in the face. That shut him up quick.

“What?! What am I supposed to do?!” asked Mario, angrily.

“I think I can help you with your problem,” said a nearby voice, and everyone turned to look. It was Lemmy Koopa, peering from beside a lamppost.

“Oh, Lemmy! It’s so nice to see you,” said Boopkins, “How are you doing, my otaku Tomodachi?” He went over and hugged the Koopaling, as SMG4 stared, unsure of how to react, while Mario pantomimed vomiting.

“You looking for some of that ‘desu desu’, if you know what I’m saying?” asked Lemmy, ominously.

“YES!” exclaimed Boopkins. Lemmy carefully looked around, then turned back to the others.

“Follow me.” They did so, to an alleyway between a convenience store and a delicatessen. As they approached, Lemmy entered the alley first, and a familiar voice spoke to him.

“Finally, you’re here. What took you, man? We gotta make the delivery now, or the boss is gonna be angry!”

“Sorry,” said Lemmy, “found some more customers.” With that, the others entered the alley as well, to find Bob, all by himself.

“Well, show me the goods I’m smuggling,” said Bob.

“Smuggling? You’re smuggling anime?” asked SMG4, who was surprised that such a black market could even exist, ban or no ban.

“Yeah, I work for the Anime Cartel, now!” replied Bob, which added to SMG4’s surprise. Was there really such a demand for anime right now that an entire criminal organization could thrive? As he pondered this, Lemmy went over to a nearby crate and opened it, retrieving a body pillow. Boopkins expressed considerable joy at seeing the body pillow, and Bob held it close to his face and inhaled deeply, for… reasons.

“Oh my! Yes!” exclaimed the Garo, “That is some premium 2D titty right there.” 

“Mario, I don’t know about this,” said SMG4, ever the law-abiding citizen (most of the time). Mario, however, seemed interested, if a bit confused.

“This is a very strange sight for Mario right here,” the plumber said, as Bob and Boopkins continued fawning over the body pillow. Just then, another voice cut sharply through the darkened alley.

“STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!”

Everyone turned, to see an armored van with the A.S.S. logo bounce off a lamppost near the entrance to the alley. Out of the back jumped two A.S.S. officers in full tactical gear, wielding assault rifles, and in front of them was…

“LUIGI?!?”

“P-put your hands up!” the green plumber yelled, trying his best to sound intimidating, “The A.S.S. is here! Y-you’re all under arrest for association with the Anime Cartel!” Mario found the acronym to be funny (“Hahaha! Ass!”), and received a slap for his trouble.

“Luigi, we swear we didn’t know anything about this!” exclaimed SMG4.

“Guys?!? How could you do something so illegal?” asked Luigi in disbelief, “I-I can’t believe it… my own brother and friends…”

“Bro, it’s just a drawing!” protested Mario.

“The law is the law, Mario!” countered Luigi, “Also, I need this job to pay for your damages, AGAIN!!” SMG4 and Boopkins remained frozen in place, not knowing what to do (“Oh no!”).

“Crap! Every nerd for themselves!” yelled Bob, and he ran further down the alley to the other exit, with Luigi and the A.S.S. officers in hot pursuit (“Oh, hell no!”). They had completely forgotten about the others, who watched the spectacle in amazement (“Why are you running? Why are you running?!”).

“Let’s get out of here, Mario!” exclaimed SMG4, not eager to wait around for the cops to come back. With that, the remaining four quickly left the alley, and stopped at a nearby intersection.

“Goddammit,” said Lemmy, “Well, now that Bob’s probably gonna be arrested, I need a new mule.”

“Sorry… Mario doesn’t swing that way,” remarked the red plumber, having misinterpreted the request.

“What? No!” replied Lemmy, “I need someone to help me smuggle some anime into the Mushroom Kingdom. If you do this, there will be unlimited anime for you after.”

“UNLIMITED ANIME?!?!” exclaimed Boopkins excitedly, as his eyes bulged significantly out of his head. Mario was similarly enthusiastic.

“Think of how much money Mario could make selling it to weebs!” he giggled, practically salivating at the thought. SMG4, however, was conflicted. On the one hand, anime was illegal now, and he was certain that they faced serious penalties if they were caught smuggling it. But on the other hand, he also knew that letting Mario out of his sight at this point would only lead to even more chaos. Not to mention, he still wasn’t sure that the ban actually was in the people’s best interest. Finally, he made up his mind.

“Fine, I’ll do it, but only to keep you out of too much trouble, Mario!” he said.

“Sweet!” said Lemmy, “Now, here’s the plan…”

The Next Day...

A lone box truck was driving down the highway towards the Mushroom Kingdom border, its occupants doing their best to act casual.

“It was sure nice of Lemmy to give us his truck before running off,” said Boopkins, who sat in the right passenger seat, “I wonder why he had to go?”

“Eh, probably had to take a piss or something,” said SMG4, who was driving the truck as carefully as possible to not arouse suspicion.

“Yeah, I can’t believe all we have to do is drive this truck full of anime,” continued Boopkins.

“And no A.S.S. in sight,” agreed Mario, from the middle passenger seat, “This is almost too easy!” No sooner had he spoken those words, when SMG4 had to brake quickly to avoid crashing into a long line of cars queued up at the border crossing. There was a significant level of security at the checkpoint, as well as a bunch of anti-anime signs, such as, “If We Catch You With Anime We Will YEET You”, “Stay In School Don’t Do Anime”, and of course, “Anime Is For Chumps”. Most troubling, however, was a Chain Chomp acting as a sniffer dog.

As SMG4, Mario, and Boopkins watched, a truck filled with explosives stopped at the checkpoint, and was sent through (“Next!”), followed by another truck full of machine guns and grenade launchers (“Next!”). When a third truck (full of nondescript crates) pulled up, however, the Chomp began barking incessantly.

“Step out of the truck with your hands up!” ordered an A.S.S. officer, and the driver, Hideo Kojima, complied. The officer then examined one of the crates, and appeared to find anime, as all of a sudden, he called out to the others at the checkpoint (“Yo, we got some trash in here!”). Suddenly, Hideo Kojima was tackled to the ground by A.S.S. officers, and a voice called out, “TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING!”, before a bright flash of light enveloped the checkpoint, followed by an explosion. When the dust settled, the truck was completely gone, save for a blackened stain on the pavement.

“Oh no, what do we do?” asked Boopkins, in fear. Mario and SMG4 exchanged a look, and came up with a plan.

The meme-lord pulled the truck up to the checkpoint, stopping exactly at the yellow line. An A.S.S. officer approached the driver’s side, pointing a machine gun at SMG4’s head.

“Y’all got some of that sweet anime?” he asked, obviously trying to bait the meme-lord, but to his credit, SMG4 didn’t bite.

“Nope, no sweet, sweet anime in here, officer,” he stuttered, in a voice that was just slightly too innocent-sounding.

“Would you please open the truck, sir?” asked the officer, with the Chain Chomp growing restless behind him.

“No problem,” gulped SMG4, elbowing Boopkins (“Go open the truck”). The green Spike walked around the front of the truck, then along the driver’s side towards the back. Once there, he opened the door, revealing several nondescript crates (sound familiar?). The Chain Chomp began sniffing the crates, as Boopkins and the officer watched. Through the rear-view mirrors, SMG4 could see that Boopkins was getting increasingly nervous, and hoped that Mario would pull through.

Suddenly, the Chain Chomp began barking, stressing Boopkins so much that the sides of his face began stretching out. However, to the officer’s surprise, the Chomp had turned away from the truck. He looked towards that direction, and was shocked at what he saw.

“What the fuck is that?!?”

It was Mario, standing on top of an A.S.S. armored van, while wearing an anime girl outfit. He extended his middle finger, and taunted the officer (“Konichiwa, you magnificent bastards!”). This greatly infuriated the officer and the Chain Chomp, and they began chasing Mario, joined by another officer. While this was happening, SMG4 drove the truck past the checkpoint, as Boopkins jumped back into the cab. Eventually, Mario found himself cornered next to some port-a-potties, and the officers aimed their guns, ready to shoot (“Prepare to die, anime!”).

“Wait! I’m not anime!” exclaimed Mario, as he held up his hands. He then spun around, and all of a sudden, his clothes disappeared, leaving him completely naked. “It’s-a me, Mario!”

“Damn it,” said one of the officers, sounding a bit disappointed, “Alright, back to your posts men.”

Further up the highway, SMG4 had stopped the truck, allowing Mario to catch up, and jump in the cab.

“I can’t believe that actually worked,” said SMG4, and he gave Mario a hi-five.

“Alrighty,” said the Italian plumber, “let’s-a go!” Boopkins, who was still stressed out (to the point that his eyes were bulging), wearily agreed, and they drove off.

A Few Hours Later...

The trio soon arrived at a warehouse near the Mushroom City Dockyards. The doors were opened, and SMG4 reversed the truck, stopping just within the building. He and Boopkins got out, noticing that the warehouse seemed deserted. There were some shelving units to the right, with several boxes upon them, and in the back, there was a large pile of crates.

“Uh, hello?” SMG4 called out. As if on cue, two men dressed in military fatigues and ski masks emerged from between the shelves, startling the meme-lord slightly. They didn’t have anything on their uniforms indicating that they were A.S.S. officers, but even so, SMG4 and Boopkins were still on edge. Mario, however, was not so concerned, and emerged enthusiastically from the van (fully clothed, thankfully).

“Hello, weeaboos!” he greeted. The man on the right then gestured to the trio of smugglers.

“Oh, right, the anime, of course!” said SMG4, and Boopkins went inside the cargo area of the truck, and looked in one of the crates. He soon found what he was looking for (a body pillow), and tossed it to the strange men.

“Holy crap, that is the weebiest shit I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed the man on the left. Mario stared; he could swear he’d heard that voice before.

“Hey, you sound familiar,” he said at last, narrowing his eyes intently.

“Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the man, nervously, “I am definitely not in disguise.” Mario was not convinced. Meanwhile, SMG4 was concerned. If Mario of all people was suspicious, then something must be wrong.

“Hmm… what’s your name?” asked the meme-lord, cautiously.

“Uh… my name is Jeff.”

“Hey! Shut your damn mouth!” exclaimed the man on the right to his comrade. Mario looked closely at the man; he, too, sounded awfully familiar.

“Wait a minute…” he said, slowly.

“Holy tits, they’re onto us!” screamed the man on the left, as his comrade face-palmed, “ASS police do the thing!”

At that moment, several A.S.S. armored vans crashed through the large windows on the upper level of the warehouse, landing on the crates and the shelves. Mario, Boopkins, and SMG4 yelled in horror as several A.S.S. officers poured out of the vans, with Luigi emerging from the leftmost van (“What’s good?”)… before he slipped and fell upon one of the officers (“Ow, fuck!”). As if things couldn’t get any worse, they did, as the two strange men dropped to the floor before getting back up, no longer in disguise and holding machine guns.

“lol surprise,” laughed the man on the left, who was none other than Swagmaster6969696969 (aka Swagmaster), along with his friend, Chris Gordman.

“Ah! Mario, SMG4, what do we do!?” stammered Boopkins, though the two seemed to be at a loss, with Mario even shrinking his head while making a Windows XP shutdown sound. Luigi then began slowly walking towards the trio.

“J-just come quietly you guys,” he ordered, “we don’t want to hurt you!” But Swagmaster had other ideas.

“yes we do!” hissed the former spaghetti factory guard, “We lost our jobs at a prison because of these assholes, along with you, so shut up!”

“Wait, I had nothing to do with that!” exclaimed SMG4, “I’m only here because of this idiot,” and he pointed at Mario.

“too bad bitch!” said Swagmaster, unimpressed. He then produced a rocket launcher. “Remember this bois?!”

“Hey, w-what are you doing?!?” screamed Luigi, as he stepped in front of Swagmaster, “Mario’s my brother, and these other guys are my friends! Let me handle this!” He then approached the three smuggling friends, much to the former guard’s disappointment (“bitch”). “Come on guys, just come quietly.”

“Okay, sure, no problem,” sighed SMG4, all too happy to resolve things peacefully, but before he could do anything, Mario suddenly grabbed Luigi and restrained him in a half-nelson with one arm, while in his other hand, he held… a doll.

“HAHA, gotcha!” exclaimed the red plumber, before he turned to the A.S.S. officers, “Shoot, and I’ll turn him into a weeaboo by using this doll!” SMG4 face-palmed, partly because Mario had escalated the situation, but mostly because there was a dagger that he could have used instead (“God dammit, Mario!”).

“lol easiest triple kill of my life,” laughed Swagmaster, which earned him a slap from Chris.

“Do you want us to get fired again, Swag?!” he snapped.

“Chris, you hit me, that was not very nice. :-(”

Meanwhile, Boopkins was still panicking, trying to find a way out of the situation. Acting quickly, he reached into one of the crates, and retrieved another body pillow, then threw it at the former guards (“Surprise Body Pillow Attack!”), still not realizing that calling out your attacks does not make them “surprise” attacks. However, it did the trick, landing on Swagmaster and setting him ablaze, somehow (“AH JESUS CHRIST CHRIS HELP I GOT THE AIDS GET IT OFF GETITOFF”).

“Quick, run!!” screamed Boopkins, as he jumped into the back of their truck, while SMG4 ran into the cab, and Mario joined Boopkins, still holding Luigi hostage. The trio then quickly drove away (“Uh, bye”).

“god dammit,” groaned Swagmaster, as he tossed the body pillow away. “ugh… Do we have to go after them?”

“Let’s just say that Luigi double crossed us and call it a day…” said Chris, which seemed to please his friend (“yeah, boi!!”).

While all of that was going on, the smuggling trio had found their way back to town, with Luigi protesting the whole way (“Put me down Mario! You’re in big trouble already!!”) before Mario dumped him. Eventually, the truck came to a stop back in the city square, and the three friends got out.

“Oh, what are we gonna do, guys?” cried Boopkins, “the Anime Secret Service is going to catch us for sure!”

“Hey, look on the bright side,” said Mario, “at least the merchandise didn’t get destroyed!” He then received a punch to the gut from SMG4.

“Yeah, and on the not-so-bright side, we’re fugitives!” exclaimed the meme-lord, “I never should’ve helped you guys out, this was a huge disaster, as always! The only good news is that it can’t possibly get worse!”

Of course, this is a fictional story and conflict is generally necessary for a fictional story to work. Right after SMG4 said that, the trio were startled by the sound of a car horn, followed by muffled, thumping music. They turned, and saw a white limo pull up next to them.

“O-oh… no…” whispered SMG4.

“What is it, SMG4?” asked Boopkins.

“I think it’s the boss of the Anime Cartel,” he said, “and it looks like…” and the window rolled down, revealing…

“Francis…”

The large green chameleon then pointed a handgun at the trio, ordering them to get in the limo.

“Get in.” I just said that. Anyway, the limo began traveling down the streets, as a familiar voice spoke up.

“Hey, you guys are here too? Glad my balls aren’t the only ones that are gonna get beat.”

“Shut up, Bob!” said Mario.

“Normies, it’s time we discussed what happened to my kawaii goods…” said Francis, “and I want to congratulate you on saving them from destruction.”

“No need to thank Mario!” said the red plumber, “I showed those A.S.S. bitches by kidnapping one of their own and forcing them to let us go!”

“Yes, well… that doesn’t change the fact that I need a new way of funding my big project, now that we can’t sell the goods for the time being…” said Francis.

“W-what is this big project of yours?” asked SMG4, nervously.

“Should I tell them, Miku-sama?” the cartel leader asked one of his body pillows… okay… “Alright then. I’m trying to help someone get out of the kingdom, and currently, you’re the best I’ve got. Do this, and you’ll be rewarded.”

The limo soon arrived at the Mushroom City International Airport, and came to a stop next to a business jet.

“So who is this important person we have to escort?” asked Mario. Just then, another familiar voice rang out. Man, this is really becoming a theme around here.

“Jeez, took you nerds long enough!” Everyone looked, and saw Saiko, with a large suitcase in one hand, and her guitar in the other.

“Does anyone have a gun?” asked Bob, but, although that was technically true, no one responded. Instead, everyone got out of the limo and approached the tall, pink-haired girl.

“Hoohoh! Hello, psycho bitch!” said Mario.

“Ugh, you’re giving me these guys as my escorts?” asked Saiko to Francis, who then kneeled at her feet.

“Sumimasen Saiko-chan,” he wept, pathetically, “it’s the best I could find.” He then turned to the others. “Make sure you protect S-Saiko-chan at all costs. GOT IT!?”

“Saiko? Why are you leaving the kingdom?” asked Boopkins.

“Why? You of all people should know Boopkins,” she said, “I’m anime… and it’s been banned here…”

“WHAT?!? That’s insane!” exclaimed SMG4, “It’s bad enough that the ban is causing criminal cartels to take over the streets, but banning actual people… it’s… it’s…”

“We want you to stay!” exclaimed Boopkins, although Bob disagreed (“No we don’t”).

“That’s nice of you to say, but…” said Saiko, sadly, “the A.S.S. will arrest me at best… and at worst…”

“That’s it, Peach has gone too far this time!” said SMG4. "Banning people is just disgraceful!! I’ll gladly help escort you!”

“Yeah! We’re all gonna help, right guys?” asked Boopkins, though Bob, once again, disagreed (“TBH, I’m just in this for the anime 2D boobies”).

“Where are you even going, anyway?” asked Mario. Saiko turned and winked, before saying…

“Japan”

This greatly pleased Boopkins, to the point that his face began stretching out once again. SMG4 was also excited, and even Bob showed enthusiasm (“I’m gonna watch so much hentai!”), as they all got on the plane. Mario followed after them (“Yippee! Let’s-a go!”)…

…only to be stopped by Francis.

“Not so fast, Mario,” he said, somewhat maniacally, “I need you to stay in the kingdom.”

“Wah? Mario’s not going to Japan?” asked the Italian plumber, incredulously.

“Well, you see… some baka has to fill in for Bob while he’s away, and you have certainly proven yourself, what with how you managed to save the merchandise and give the A.S.S. quite the black eye.”

Francis paused, for dramatic effect.

“As it happens, I have a new plan for getting the money we need to fund this project…” he said.

“Wait, wait, wait. Before Mario does anything incredibly dangerous, he has one thing to ask,” said the Italian plumber.

“And what would that be?”

“...Can you provide me with spaghetti?” This deeply confused Francis (“You serious?”), but Mario was indeed absolutely serious (“Mm-hm!”).

“Well… we have ramen noodles,” said the chameleon, “that’s kinda like… Japanese spaghetti.”

“Good enough for me! I’m in!” exclaimed Mario.

“Excellent!” said Francis, and he began laughing maniacally, with Mario joining in…

…until the chameleon began wheezing heavily, and asking for his inhaler. Little did Mario know, that would be the least of his problems to come. But I shall not say any more, or else I’ll spoil the next story.

Chapter Text

On a sidewalk alongside an unassuming main road, Mario stood proudly in front of his latest creation. It was truly a real marvel of engineering, as well as a testament to the Italian plumber’s ingenuity. Okay, I might be overselling it a bit, since it’s just a lemonade stand. Nevertheless, Mario was quite proud of it.

“Damn, that’s a fine lookin’ lemonade stand if Mario does say so himself!” he said, before walking behind the stand and changing the “closed” sign to “open”. “Now to make lots of money!”

Unfortunately for the Italian plumber, there were no customers. Indeed, a few people walked past his stand, but no one was buying his lemonade, much to his displeasure (“Hey, what the fuck?!”). Just then, Hideo Kojima walked by, mumbling to himself. I guess this is becoming a theme as well.

“Hey, stinky!” called Mario, causing Hideo Kojima to turn around with his hands above his head, “Yeah, you! Come here now and get this magical drink!”

This pleased the famous game developer greatly, so he ran across the road towards the stand… and was immediately run over by a car, much to Mario’s chagrin (“Goddammit!”). Just then, Donkey Kong walked (or rather, pelvic thrusted) by the stand.

“Hey Mr. Dong. Want some magic yellow drink?” asked Mario. The tie-clad gorilla seemed interested (“Oh these are pretty cool bananas.”), and so he drank the whole lot of lemonade… and then fell to the ground, screaming in horror.

“That’ll be $85,” said Mario, happily.

While all of this was going on, Tari was walking down the same road towards Mario’s lemonade stand. She was feeling quite glum, staring down at the sidewalk and shuffling her feet. As she neared the lemonade stand, Mario spoke to her.

“Hey Tari! Why so sad? Want some lemonade?”

“No thanks…” sighed Tari, as she laid her head upon the stand, “I’ve had no one to play video games with… Meggy’s been training for the Splatfest, Luigi’s too busy with the A.S.S., and everyone else has gone to Japan…”

“Oh, it’s okay!” said Mario, trying his best to comfort the gamer girl, “Why don’t you help Mario sell some lemonade?”

“Huh? Why are you selling lemonade?”

“Well…”

Flashback...

“Some baka has to fill in for Bob while he’s away, and you have certainly proven yourself, what with how you managed to save the merchandise and give the A.S.S. quite the black eye,” said Francis. He paused, for dramatic effect.

 “As it happens, I have a new plan for getting the money we need to fund this project…” he said, before laughing maniacally, with Mario joining in…

 End Flashback...

“Is that Francis from the Anime Cartel?!?” exclaimed Tari, pointing out the green chameleon in Mario’s thought bubble, “Mario, they’re really bad guys! I don’t want anything to do with them.”

“It’s okay, Tari,” said Mario, “they’re actually really cool. They’re giving me  Japanese spaghetti just for working for them!” Just then, his watch beeped, indicating that it was lunchtime (“Speaking of which…”), at which point he took out a bowl of ramen noodle soup. As Tari watched, Mario ate the entire bowl, including the bowl itself.

“But, Mario, they’re breaking the law!”

“Who cares about that stupid law? Peach’ll get over it, and then everything will be back to normal,” said Mario, as he devoured two additional bowls. But Tari, being even more law-abiding than SMG4, wasn’t convinced.

“I-I don’t know,” she whispered.

“C’mon!!”

Tari looked at the plumber, and considered. On the one hand, Mario admitted to working for the Anime Cartel, and she didn’t want to get involved in their criminal activity. On the other hand, selling lemonade wasn’t illegal in and of itself, and the gamer girl had her own misgivings about the anime ban, although she wouldn’t admit it out loud.

“Okay, fine,” she said at last, before noticing something strange, “But, where’s your lemonade?”

“Oh, uh, Mario only had one cup and Donkey Kong drank it,” said Mario, and Tari watched as the gorilla in question was writhing wildly on the sidewalk (“Oh.”).

“Don’t worry, Mario can make some more!” he said, so he turned around and unzipped… (sigh)… okay, I think we all know what he did, so I’m not even going to explain it. Needless to say, Tari was horrified by this.

“...Why don’t you leave making the lemonade to me,” she said, “You just focus on selling it.” Having finished, Mario agreed to this arrangement (“Okey dokey!”), and the two soon found themselves in front of a lemon tree.

“Oh! Lemonade is made of lemons! Who knew?” said Mario, as Tari contemplated how to get the yellow citrus fruits down. She tried to jump up and grab them, to no avail, face-planting on her third attempt.

“Ugh… there has to be a way to get them down,” groaned Tari. Mario then began his attempt, by screaming loudly and ramming head-first into the tree… which simply flattened his head.

“Well, I’ve done all I can do,” he said. Tari looked around for a solution, and spotted The Villager across the street next to a refrigerator, which he proceeded to stuff into his pocket… somehow.

“Uh… excuse me…” she said as she approached, “A little ducky told me that tree over there has… CASH!” The Villager found this to be enticing (“Money”), so he raced over to the lemon tree, before shaking it violently. The result was a massive amount of lemons (and an old man) falling down, some of which pelted Mario, while the rest were scooped up by Tari into a waiting bin.

“Yes! Now we’re in business, Mario!” she said to the plumber, who by now was buried under a pile of yellow citrus (“Mama mia!”). In short order, Tari had the lemonade all mixed and ready to go, while Mario stood out front, hawking the yellow beverage to prospective buyers. Just then, he noticed Toadette walking towards the stand, and ran towards her.

“Hey, whatever your name is, stupid bitch!” he said, “Would you kindly try some of our lemonade? :D” Toadette responded by slapping the Italian plumber in the face, and walking away, much to Mario’s disappointment (“Mamaf*cker!”).

His other attempts were just as successful. First, he stood creepily outside a bus stop, watching a Koopa that was reading a newspaper (“Would you like some drugs?”), but the Koopa wasn’t interested (shocker). After that, he kidnapped a Monty Mole in an elevator… by stealing the elevator itself with his go-kart.

“Oh boy! Another customer!” he said, as the Monty looked around in confusion, “Seeing as there’s no possible way to get back… Why not try some lemonade?” The Monty responded by trying to get the elevator to go back, to no avail. This made Mario very cross, so he resorted to simply chasing down passers-by with his pitcher (“Hey! Have Mario’s drinkey!!”).

“Mario… I don’t think this is working…” said Tari at last.

“What do you mean, they’re loving it!” replied Mario, as he was force-feeding lemonade into a Goomba’s mouth, despite its protests.

“Uh… let me have a shot…” said Tari. Just then, she noticed someone new approaching the stand. It was their friend Shroomy, who was singing a song to himself and simply enjoying the beautiful weather. Before he realized it, everything went black, except for a single spotlight illuminating him.

“Huh? Uh, what’s going on?” asked Shroomy. Almost before he finished speaking, another spotlight lit up, revealing Tari.

“Are you… feeling thirsty, Shroomy?” she asked in a sly voice.

“Uh, a tiny bit, I guess.” Tari then approached the mushroom boy scout, with a very wide grin on her face.

“Are you looking for something… sweet?”

“Uh, sure,” he said, getting a bit creeped out by this.

“Then you should buy some lemonade,” she said, staring deeply into his soul.

“If I buy it, will you go back to talking normally?”

“Sure!” said Tari happily, as the background and her voice went back to normal.

“Okay, let me just get some cash out…” said Shroomy, as he reached into his back pocket… and pulled out a very large pile of gold coins, “…and here we go.” Mario and Tari were very pleased with this. As they were admiring it, however, they saw a black limo pull up to the lemonade stand. Mario approached the limo, while Tari slowly moved to hide below the stand. The window rolled down, revealing…

“Oh, it’s Jeeves!” said Mario, greeting the moustache-clad fork. “Hey, how’s your milk factory going?”

“Mario! What are you doing now?” said Jeeves, who was none too pleased to see the Italian plumber, “First you destroy my milk factory, and now you’re stealing business from my cafe.” Tari looked up; sure enough, there was a cafe with the Moo Moo Milk branding across the road from the lemonade stand.

“Oh, sorry Jeeves,” she said nervously, “we didn’t mean to hurt your business.” She was trying her best to be cordial to the elegantly dressed fork. Unfortunately, Mario was not so inclined.

“Yeah, maybe you’re just a crappy businessman compared to Mario!” he declared proudly. Right after he said that, some of the letters fell off the front of the lemonade stand.

“Mario, we’ll call it even on my milk factory if you take down your lemonade stand right now,” said Jeeves, calmly. Tari was more than willing to resolve the situation without violence, but unfortunately, Mario spoke first.

“Make me…”

“If you insist…” replied Jeeves, and he snapped his fingers. At that moment, two of his henchmen, who resembled walking milk cartons, got out the limo with crowbars and approached the lemonade stand, chanting “I’m about to whip somebody’s ass!”.

“Hey… guys…” stuttered Tari, “why don’t we just all relax with a nice cup of lemonade instead? Heh heh.” They were not interested in the yellow beverage, however, and instead began tearing apart the stand. First they used crowbars, then they used swords, and then they used knives (“Now stand back, I gotta practice my stabbin’.”).

“No! What are you doing! You’re ruining it!” exclaimed Tari.

“Yes! Just like how Mario ruined my factory!” said Jeeves, smugly, “Keep going boys! Do it!” One of the carton men then pulled out a rocket launcher, and blew up the stand, much to Mario’s shock (“Oh no!”).

“We worked so hard on this…” cried Tari, as she stared at all that remained in disbelief. This made Mario very angry, so he punched the carton man with the rocket launcher. The other carton man then struck the plumber with his crowbar, knocking him to the ground.

“Sorry Mario, it’s just business,” said Jeeves, as he got back into the limo, which drove off (“Bye!”).

“Oh well, I guess I’m gonna have some milk then. See ya fellas!” said Shroomy, as the carton men dragged him to the milk cafe.

Mario was furious. If there was one thing that he hated more than anything else, it was people messing with his spaghetti. And if there was anything he hated almost as much, it was people messing with his friends. He turned to Tari, who was still sobbing over the lemonade stand’s destruction.

“That’s it!” he declared, “You don’t mess with the Mario!” He took out his phone, and spoke to the person on the other line (insert Italian gibberish here).

“You’re having trouble?” they said, “Alright, we’re coming over.”

Suddenly, a white limo quite literally flew in, screeching to a halt in front of Mario and Tari.

“You called, my tomodachi?” asked Francis, as he poked his head out, smashing the driver’s side window in the process.

“Well, we were minding our own business-” began Tari, sadly.

“Then Jeeves THICC FORK ASS destroyed our stand!” finished Mario, angrily.

“Alright… leave this to senpai…” said Francis, as he adjusted his glasses. And thus, the conflict began.

Round 1

Jeeves stood proudly at the counter of his cafe, with several cartons of milk on display. He heard the front door bell ringing, and turned to greet the customer with a smile and a friendly wave…

…only for a chair to fly past his head, smashing into the wall behind him. The well-dressed fork snapped to attention, and was shocked by what he saw. There, standing in an anime pose, was Francis, flanked on both sides by several of his henchmen.

“Konnichiwa, bitch,” declared the chameleon, “Attack formations!”

Everything seemed to happen at once. Two of the henchmen knocked a carton man to the ground. One smashed a table, where Frankie was enjoying some milk, while another knocked down some bottles of milk (“ded”). Finally, Shroomy was about to drink his milk (“Ah, finally!”)… which was knocked away by a thrown carton man (“Dang it!”).

Jeeves was stunned by the chaos before him, as the final henchman was beating him with a paper fan. Meanwhile, Mario was dancing happily just outside, while Tari stared in deep shock at the violence.

“Hooligans! Miscreants! DELINQUENTS!!” screamed Jeeves, as Francis laughed maniacally in triumph… before being knocked to the ground by a jet of milk.

“We won’t let those fuckers take this land!” declared a carton man, wielding a milk hose (I don’t even…).

“You nerds and your dumb anime!!” said Jeeves, angrily, before he took out a broom from under the counter, “Careful! I was an apprentice to Master Baldi in SPANKING!”

“Dumb anime?!?” exclaimed Francis, “Anime is awesome! There is no greater form of entertainment on the face of the Earth-” Another blast of milk sent the chameleon flying out of the cafe, with his henchmen not far behind.

“And stay out!” yelled Jeeves, as Mario watched in amazement (“Wow, what an asshole!”). Tari, meanwhile, had made her way over to where Francis had landed.

“Um, the lemonade stand wasn’t that important anyway,” she said. Then she had an idea, “How about we open a duck emporium?! :D”

“No, Tari-chan,” said the green crime lord, “He insulted anime. This normie’s gonna get a beatdown! Just like Krillin did in Episode 231 of Dragonball Z!” I’m just gonna take his word for it.

“Oh, Mario wants to do an anime beatdown too!” said the Italian plumber. He then put on a pair of glasses identical to Francis’ (“Here we go!”). And thus, Round 2 began.

Round 2

A Shy Guy pulled up to the drive thru of the Moo Moo Milk cafe, waiting for his order to be taken. Very soon, someone came to the window. However, it was not Jeeves, but rather, Mario disguised as Jeeves.

“Hello, it’s-a me, Jeeves,” said the Italian plumber in a poor attempt at a British accent, “What’s up?”

“Yeah, can I get, uh…”

“No!” interrupted Mario, “Eat my fork ass!” This greatly offended the Shy Guy (“What the hell?!”), causing him to drive off in a hurry. Mario found this to be a great joke… until Jeeves showed up to kick his ass, causing the plumber to skedaddle (“YEET!”).

Meanwhile, Francis was seated at one of the tables with some milk, next to a Monty Mole with his own milk.

“I cannot wait to try this new dairy- OMG it smells like shit!!” said the chameleon, as he feigned physical distress and fell to the floor, much to the Monty’s shock. After seeing that, the Monty didn’t want anything to do with the white beverage in front of him, and backed away slowly.

These shenanigans caused Jeeves to become increasingly frustrated, and so he retaliated in kind. First, he had some of his carton men dismantle Tari’s efforts to rebuild the lemonade stand. Next, he put up a sign advertising a 50% off special (“That oughta do it!”). Almost immediately, a crowd of people congregated outside the cafe.

Mario, not wanting to be outdone by the well-dressed fork, put up a sign on the partially rebuilt stand advertising a 51% off special (“Take-a this!”). This resulted in the crowd moving to his stand instead. Jeeves responded with a sign advertising a free cup with purchase, and the crowd, now larger, moved back to the cafe.

Mario wasn’t taking this lying down (“Oh no you don’t!”), and put up a sign advertising “New ass flavor”, whatever that meant. The crowd then moved back to his stand, much to Jeeves’s frustration (“You son of a bitch!”). He put up a sign saying “Buy 1 Get 99,999,999 Free!”, at which point the battle just got even more ridiculous, with Mario putting up a “Will sub you on YouTube” sign, and Jeeves putting up a “I’ll drown you in milk” sign. Then, out of nowhere, Waluigi showed up with his taco stand, at which point the entire crowd moved to his stand, much to Mario and Francis’ shock.

In the midst of all of this, Shroomy stood by himself, holding his pile of coins. “Oh, man, I’m getting mighty thirsty,” he lamented, “But what to get?”

Upon hearing this, Francis and Jeeves stared each other down. They were not about to let the other get the mushroom boy scout’s money without a fight. And thus, Round 3 began.

Round 3

“HE’S MINE!!!” screeched Francis, as his henchmen charged towards the cafe, weapons drawn.

“Get ‘em, boyos!!” shouted Jeeves, as his carton men rushed to meet the Anime Cartel.

The battle between the two groups was intense and brutal. In fact, it caused one of the carton men to have PTSD flashbacks to the cow uprising that he and his comrades had fought against a few months back. No, I didn’t make that up. Shroomy, meanwhile, sat in shock at what he was seeing, deciding that he should probably just get a taco instead.

“Ah! Mario! W-what do we do?!” exclaimed Tari, as she stared in horror at the carnage before her. Unfortunately, Mario was completely unconcerned by what was happening.

“Meh, nothing can hurt Mario,” he said.

At that moment, Tari felt something deep inside of her, desperately trying to claw its way out. She tried her absolute hardest to keep it contained, slamming her eyes shut, and balling up her fists as hard as she could. As a matter of fact, her fists were so tightly clenched, she could swear she heard her metal arm getting damaged. Eventually, though, she could fight it no longer.

“STOP IT!! STOOOOP I-I-IT!!!!” she screamed, with everything her lungs could give. Everything became completely silent in an instant, as everyone turned to look at the blue-haired girl.

“I can’t take anymore of this!” exclaimed Tari, “Can’t you see how pointless all this fighting is? All I wanted to do was help my friend sell lemonade because I was bored. But after everything that’s happened today, I’d take being bored over… this!” She gestured toward the groups of henchmen, with their weapons still drawn. “I’ll have no part in anymore fighting. I’m going home. Let’s go, Mario.”

With that, she turned and walked away, with the Italian plumber following after, slightly disappointed at missing out on the rest of the battle. As for Jeeves and Francis, they were still in shock at what had just transpired.

“Y’know what, she’s right,” said Francis at last, “we shouldn’t be fighting. I mean we’re both cool people, right?” Wearily, Jeeves agreed with this.

“I just wanted something to drink,” added Shroomy, whom everyone seemed to have forgotten about. Regardless, the two sides ultimately declared a truce, and went their separate ways.

Meanwhile, back with Tari and Mario, the blue-haired girl stopped for a moment to catch her breath, only then realizing just how much she needed to. She turned to the plumber, her eyes wet with tears that wouldn’t fall.

“Mario, um, I-I’m sorry about my outburst,” she whispered, “I don’t know what came over me, I just…” and she trailed off.

“Hey, it’s okay, don’t cry,” soothed Mario, before he had an idea to cheer her up, “Why don’t we get some tacos, and then play some Super Smash Each Other in the Ass Bros.?” Tari perked up at this.

“I’d like that,” she said. With that, the two friends went to Waluigi’s Taco Stand. As they waited for their tacos, Tari couldn’t help but wonder how the rest of her friends were doing in Japan. But that’s another story…

Chapter Text

The midday sun was shining brightly upon the Japanese countryside. Birds were singing, and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. At the top of a hill, three friends were taking in the sights around them, all the while guided by a fourth friend.

“And here is one of the many famous temples here in Japan!” said Saiko, as she gestured towards the ancient building behind her. SMG4 found this fascinating as he took pictures (“Wow!”), but Bob was less enthusiastic.

“It looks like the last fifty temples we looked at,” he said. Saiko responded by kicking him into a pillar so hard that he bounced off.

“Appreciate my culture, you filthy gaijin!” she hissed.

“Uh, Saiko?” said Fishy Boopkins, “This is cool and all, but can we go to Tokyo city?”

“Yeah, we’re only in Japan for a day,” said Bob, “I want to go see me some anime waifus!”

“Ugh, fine…” sighed Saiko. She was really looking forward to showing them more of the temple. With a huff, she jumped into the back of a cart. “Only if one of you pulls.”

“Dibs, not it!” called Bob and Boopkins as they jumped in, much to SMG4’s chagrin (“Goddammit!”). With that, the four friends began making their way to the city, with Bob whipping SMG4 the whole way there.

“Faster, horsey, faster!” said Bob.

“Don’t push it!” growled SMG4, who was none too pleased at having to do all the work.

“Thank you for showing us around, Saiko,” said Boopkins.

“Yeah, well, think of it as thanks for taking me here,” she said.

“Yeah. If the anime ban doesn’t get lifted, I might just live here.”

“You should. Japan is awesome!”

While this was going on, Bob was getting increasingly frustrated at SMG4’s lack of progress.

“Faster, you stupid fat man!” he said. Eventually, SMG4 couldn’t take it any longer (“I’m sick of your shit!”). He ground pounded the cart in retaliation, sending Bob flying into a house, where he landed in a dining room.

“SMG4, you ass!” he exclaimed from the hole, “I could’ve gotten a boo-boo. If I had died, I would have never talked to you again!” While that was technically true, he had more pressing matters to deal with. The couple whose meal he’d interrupted stood directly behind Bob, at which point he noticed.

“Oh, hi!” The couple responded by launching him out of the house, and into the back of a white van, scoring a perfect 10 in the process.

“Uh, the Japanese folk don’t look too happy to see us,” said Boopkins nervously, as the residents glared at them (“I’m gonna kick your ass.”).

“Hey, we’re sorry,” said Saiko, “We’ll pay for all the dama-”

“Holy dick balls! Look at that!” interrupted Bob, as he pointed towards a nearby billboard, featuring several anime girls.

“Wow! We’re right next to Akihabara, the anime town,” said Saiko. This pleased Boopkins very greatly (“ANIME TOWN?!?”), and Bob was thrilled as well (“YEAH, BOIIIIIIII!”). In fact, Bob was so excited, that he sprinted towards the town, shoving the Japanese couple out of the way, with Boopkins not far behind (“Yay!”), leaving Saiko and SMG4 feeling quite bemused by all this.

Later…

“This is the best day of my life,” said Boopkins, as the four friends made their way down the streets of Akihabara.

“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” said SMG4, “because this should be the last stop for the day.” Soon, they were stopped in their tracks by Bob.

“Holy moly! Look at all the 2D ladies!” he exclaimed. Sure enough, all the buildings across town were plastered with several large posters and billboards of anime, along with street vendors selling merchandise. Boopkins found it all very enticing (“Oooo! Aaaah! Heeey!”), and pretty soon, he couldn’t contain his excitement. He found himself running around with boundless energy, as Bob joined in, while SMG4 looked on in amusement.

“Hmm… I’m going to miss this…” said Saiko to herself, as she watched her friends. Soon, Boopkins stopped at a manga store, and stared in awe at the vast selection before him.

“Ooh, they’ve got all my favorite manga here!” he said, as he rushed towards one section of shelves. While that was happening, SMG4 went over to a TV, and watched a video of a person in a dog costume dancing.

“Wow! This is amazing,” he said, as he jotted down notes in his “Meme Book” for future reference. Meanwhile, Bob was seated at the “Maid Cafe” section, where two such maids were dancing to a thumping techno beat. Bob didn’t even mind that the maids were male, or that they weren’t even “anime”, per se (“This is hot!”).

As for Saiko, she found herself in front of some cardboard standees, and admired the female characters being showcased. Before long, however, she found herself feeling rather self-conscious. As she pondered the stylized images of young Japanese women, she considered whether or not there was something off-putting about her own physical appearance. She wondered if that was the reason she was having no success at dating, even after she had resolved to become a nicer person.

However, her introspective thoughts were rudely interrupted by a low rumbling noise. Everyone turned to where the noise came from, which happened to be where SMG4 was standing. In fact, the sound was actually coming from his stomach.

“Heh, heh…” said SMG4, nervously, “Is there anywhere we can eat?”

In short order, the four friends found themselves at an outdoor noodle restaurant, or soba-ya. From their seats at the counter, they watched as the chefs (all of whom were sharks in color-banded chef hats) prepared their meals with lighting-fast speed and absolute precision. Soon, their food was served, and they all marveled at how delicious everything was. However, Fishy Boopkins noticed that Saiko seemed pensive and had barely touched her food.

“Are you okay, Saiko?” he asked.

“More or less,” she sighed, “I guess I’m still hung up about getting banned.” She held up some noodles, staring at them as if they held all the answers of the universe. “I mean, I’m glad that I’ll fit in just fine here, but… if I’m honest… I’m really gonna miss you guys.”

“We’ll miss you too, Saiko,” said SMG4, although Bob disagreed (“No, we won’t.”), which earned him a glare.

“Oh, I wish there was some way we could convince Peach to let you stay in the Mushroom Kingdom!” said Boopkins sadly. For just a moment, Saiko actually felt like she would cry. Although her relationship with the Spike had been rocky at best… actually, scratch that, it had been a complete disaster… she still held some degree of affection towards him.

“I still can’t believe that Peach would actually include people in the anime ban!” said SMG4, seething with rage, “I mean, I just don’t know why-”.

“Ladies and gentlemen!!” Everyone jumped at the sudden voice, then turned to its source. There was a fairly sizable gathering of people at the nearby street corner, gathered around a lone figure.

He was an axolotl, clad in a blue sweater, black pants, black rubber boots, and a belt with a pouch on it. Right now, he was perched atop a chair situated behind a small folding table.

“Are you ready, to see anime… come to life?!” he proclaimed, and the crowd murmured among themselves, eager to see what he had in store. As SMG4, Bob, Boopkins, and Saiko watched, the axolotl opened a small wooden case on the table, and took out what looked like a fountain pen. It had a strange looking claw on the end of it, with a red orb inside the claw.

“Who’s that?” asked Boopkins.

“Oh, that’s Axol,” said one of the sharks, who didn’t even look towards the axolotl, “He’s an artist, or so he says. Occasionally, he actually remembers to do his job here.”

“Now, now, let the kid have his fun,” said the other shark, “He’s just following his passion in life, and we should be supportive of that.”

“His ‘passion’ isn’t doing much to keep the place afloat,” grumbled the first shark.

“So, what exactly is he doing?” asked Saiko.

“Just watch,” said the second shark. The four friends did so, as Axol began taking requests from the crowd. He then began drawing on a sketchpad with incredible speed, before showing his drawing to the crowd. They seemed very impressed by his artistic skills, though Bob was not so enthused.

“So, he draws anime very well? What’s so special about that?” he asked, only for the second shark to shush him (“There’s more”).

As they watched, Axol placed the sketchpad on the ground, and stood over it. Then, he spun the orb on his pen, and it began to glow, before producing a flash of light. As the flash dissipated, everyone was astonished to find that Axol’s pen had become significantly larger, to the point that he now held it with two hands. He then tapped the sketch with the pen, and in another flash, living replicas of the characters he drew stood before the audience, who oohed and ahhed at the sight before them.

“That… that’s incredible!” said Boopkins, enamored by the artist before him.

“Did he just… bring anime characters to life?” asked SMG4, in stunned amazement.

“Holy tits! Maybe he can draw me some waifu babes!” exclaimed Bob.

“Anime… characters… to life?” said Saiko, who was the most surprised of all. As Axol had the characters he made perform for the audience, she kept racking her brain for any explanation for what she had just seen. The only method of bringing anime characters to life that she knew about was the magic spell that Fishy Boopkins had used to bring herself to life.

“Yep, but it never occurred to him to use them to help run the place,” grumbled the first shark, which earned him a hard glare from the second shark. They all continued to watch, as Axol waved to the crowd, before his creations faded out of existence.

“Thank you all, you lovely people,” he said, “I really appreciate all of your support.” He then spun the gem on his pen, causing it to shrink back to its original size, before putting it back in the case on the table. “But now, I must say, sayonara!” With that, the axolotl took his case and his sketchpad, and dashed around the corner out of sight(“Bye!”).

“No, wait!” exclaimed Boopkins, “I wanna get his autograph!” He then sprinted after Axol, with Bob, Saiko, and SMG4 following behind. They rounded the corner just in time to see Axol packing his pen case and sketchpad into a backpack. Bob tried to chase after him, as the axolotl hopped onto a motorcycle, and put on a helmet.

“Mr. Axol, can you please draw me 2D-” But before Bob could finish, Axol took off like a rocket, much to his surprise (“Holy dicks!”), as well as SMG4’s (“Huh, what?!”).

“No, Mr. Axol, come back!” exclaimed Boopkins, as he tried desperately to catch Axol, to no avail.

“After that bike!” said Saiko. With that, the four friends began chasing after the axolotl through the city streets.

“Hey, slow down!” cried SMG4, but Axol took no notice. In fact, he seemed to be more focused on reading a manga comic than actually watching where he was going. Despite this, he was expertly navigating his motorcycle around obstacles and through the turns. This kept up for a while, until SMG4 noticed something in a side street. Upon returning, he discovered that it was some clothesline, which gave him an idea (“Aha!”). Moving quickly, he stretched the clothesline across two streetlamps, forming a slingshot… of sorts, which he, Boopkins, and Bob got into.

“Alright, let’s do this!” said SMG4, as Saiko stretched the slingshot back. She then released, sending the three boys careening down the street at breakneck speed, screaming the whole way… before SMG4 slammed into a sign (“My penis!”), and Bob crashed into a bird. Boopkins, meanwhile, continued sailing down the street, catching up to Axol and his motorcycle… before getting pummeled by a truck crossing an intersection. Saiko could only facepalm at the spectacle.

Eventually, Axol stopped at a train station, leaving the motorcycle and helmet at a rental kiosk, and made his way inside. The four friends followed after, where they found the axolotl boarding a train. Before they could reach him (“Oh, wait, wait, wait, where ya going?!”), the doors closed, and the train took off. Rather than doing the sensible thing, which was to wait for another train, or find alternate transportation to Axol’s destination, they chose to simply cling to the side of the train. SMG4 tried to make his way to the window where Axol was… and got hit in the face with a sign (“Ow!”).

Before long, the train came to a stop at another station, sending the four friends careening across the platform. By the time they recovered, Axol was long gone… until SMG4 spotted him ascending the stairs to the exit. Unfortunately, the crowds were too heavy, frustrating Saiko to no end. This resulted in her taking out her giant mallet, which she was keeping… somewhere, and knocking people down, including Hideo Kojima. In short order, a path to the exit had been cleared away, which alerted the attention of a police officer.

“What’s going on here?” he asked. Saiko quickly hid her mallet, and feigned innocence. She then pointed out King Dedede at some vending machines, leading to him getting pummeled by a police car. With that taken care of, the four friends quickly made their way out of the subway, and back to the city streets.

A Few Minutes Later…

By now, night had fallen upon Japan, as SMG4, Saiko, Bob, and Boopkins searched for Axol once more. Soon, they spotted him entering an apartment building, humming happily to himself.

“Yay, let’s go see him!” exclaimed Boopkins, only for SMG4 to prevent him from moving any further.

“Boopkins, wait!” he said, “You can’t just barge in on an artist when he’s at home! He’ll kick us out at best, or call the cops at worst!” This made Boopkins very sad.

“Okay, guys, let’s just pack it up…” he sighed.

“NO!” said Saiko, “I need to know how he makes anime characters come to life!”

“Hang on…” said SMG4, slowly, “I may have an idea…”

In short order, the plan came to fruition, and SMG4 knocked on the door. A tall, thin man answered, whom SMG4 assumed was the landlord.

“Yeah, what is it?” asked the landlord.

“Greetings!” said SMG4, “I am the assistant of the famous manga writer from the Mushroom Kingdom, Bobu-san!” He then gestured towards Bob, who was now wearing spiral glasses and a headdress, which looked like soft-serve vanilla ice cream with a star on the front (“’Sup, homie”). The landlord was thoroughly unamused by this.

“As proof,” continued SMG4, “look at this beautiful anime sculpture that he made.” At this point, Boopkins struggled in, pushing Saiko. She was completely still, holding a typical cute anime girl pose. The landlord seemed slightly more interested, but said nothing.

“We were wondering if we could speak to the manga artist who lives here, a Mr. Axol?” finished SMG4, hoping that the plan would actually work. Incredibly, the landlord took the bait, and motioned for everyone to enter the building.

“Between you and me, I worry about that boy sometimes,” he said, as they got into the elevator, “He’s got so much potential, yet spends most of his time cooped up in the apartment. Would be nice for him to speak to someone with similar interests.” By then, they had reached the fifth floor, and made their way to the apartment on the far left. Almost immediately, the landlord knocked on the door.

“Hey, Axol, there’s a manga artist from the Mushroom Kingdom who wants to see you,” he said.

“A fellow manga artist?!” said Axol, incredulously, “I’ll be right there.” In a matter of moments, they heard the locks being undone one by one, until… “Alright, come on in.” The four friends entered the apartment, finding that it was… not in the best shape, honestly.

“Ugh… it’s a bit dirty in here,” remarked SMG4, and he was right. There were papers and catalogs strewn about the floor, dirty dishes piled up in the sink, a full trash bag next to the can, and a stack of unopened boxes haphazardly placed next to a wall.

“I know, right?” agreed Bob, “Reminds me of my house.” Then, everyone turned to Axol, who was seated at a desk. He swiveled his chair around to face them, a serious look upon his face.

“Welcome to my domain…” he said, ominously.

“Yo! I am Bobu-san, the famous manga artist,” said Bob, “These are my bitches. Bitches, say hello.”

“Hello,” said Boopkins and SMG4 in the most deadpan way possible. Axol then noticed Saiko, and his demeanor changed in an instant (“Whoa!”).

“So life like!” he exclaimed, as he examined her, “So much more detail than my creations!” He then grabbed her face to get a closer look… and was immediately punched in the face.

“Personal space, douchebag!” growled Saiko. She did not appreciate being touched in such a way, plan or no plan. Oddly, Axol didn’t seem particularly upset at having his face rearranged.

“AND she’s sentient?!?” he said, before turning his attention to Bob, “Bobu-san, tell me your secret! How did you get such a high quality, living anime creature?” Saiko did not appreciate Axol’s words (“Who you calling ‘creature’?”). “Mine are all just simple-minded idiots that only last a few minutes. So…?”

“Um, I’m a level 99 weeaboo,” said Bob, nervously. Finally, Saiko couldn’t take the charade anymore, and punted Bob across the room. “Ow, hey, what was that for?!”

“Look, he’s not actually a manga artist and we’re not his assistants,” she explained, “We just really wanted to ask you a few things.”

“I’m sorry we tricked you, Mr. Axol,” said Boopkins, sadly, “Things have just been so horrible since anime was banned back home.”

“Wait, what did you say?!?” exclaimed Axol, shocked at such a ridiculous notion. Saiko took out her phone, and pulled up a Mushroom Kingdom News segment about the ongoing ban.

“It’s true, look.” So Axol did, watching as Kermit informed the audience about the ban entering its second week, and about how the A.S.S. was now cracking down harder. Finally, he had seen enough.

“Very well, it is decided,” said Axol, before pointing at Boopkins, “Green frog!”

“My name is Boopkins.” Axol took no notice, and simply climbed up on his desk.

“You have all been done a great injustice,” he continued, performing various anime poses as he spoke, “It is my goal… No, it is my destiny, to save you from this oppression, and return glorious anime to your kingdom!” Everyone just stared, and everything became quiet, save for the ticking of a clock.

“Does that include waifus?” asked Bob at last.

“Of course!” said Axol, which seemed to please the Garo (“Yeah boi! Time to tickle my pickle!”).

“Oh, I knew we were destined to meet you, Mr. Axol,” said Boopkins, “But, what’s your plan for legalizing anime?”

“Just leave that to me, and my pal Inkweaver,” said the axolotl, before showing them his strange pen from earlier, which he then used to bring some anime characters to life, laughing maniacally the whole time, before his demeanor went back to normal, “We’ll show them the joy of anime!” Then the anime characters started dancing… okay.

“Hey, Saiko,” said SMG4, “if this works, you could come back to the Mushroom Kingdom!”

“Heh, yeah, that would be nice,” she said, though she seemed to be lost in thought. She could only hope that this eccentric artist’s plan wouldn’t simply blow up in everyone’s faces.

Chapter Text

Hello! I'm sure you're all wondering about when Chapter 5 of SMG4 Redacted: The Anime Arc is coming. Unfortunately, I've had to make a decision that I had hoped to avoid.

It is with a heavy heart that I'm announcing the cancellation of SMG4 Redacted.

However, let me make clear that I am not giving up on rewriting the Anime Arc. Rather, I have come up with new ideas on how the story should progress, and unfortunately, I would not be able to incorporate these ideas without a substantial rewrite. On top of that, the story as it has progressed has ultimately played out almost identically to the original story, with only a few minor changes to some plot points, which wasn't exactly how I had envisioned the story when I first started.

Believe me when I say that this was not an easy choice to make, but after spending many days of contemplation, I decided that it was best to cancel this series and start over from scratch.

For those of you that have been following the story up to this point, I want to thank you for your support, and hope to see you again for the new rewrite of the Anime Arc, which will be part of the upcoming SMG4 Rewritten Project.