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The thing is –
The thing is
no one ever actually tells him that Stede has died.
Ed overhears Izzy say it to Frenchie while hidden in one of the many secret passages he keeps finding, keeps following in his aimless wanderings. For the first heart-stopping second he thinks Izzy is just trying to break Frenchie that tiny bit further but the vindictive glee in his voice is too real to be fake. They had just left port and while neither Ed nor Jim or Frenchie left the Revenge during their stop, Izzy had and people were gossips. Always had been. And what was worth more of gossip than a nobleman turned pirate turned back nobleman suddenly ending up dead?
Ed stays frozen in spot for long enough to hear the quiet sobs Frenchie dissolves into after Izzy leaves.
There is no one going to come save you, you useless rat.
It was not supposed to end like this.
(It was not supposed to end at all.)
He had thought about how their next meeting would go (would have gone, now). He, holding Stede at gunpoint or sword point – any point, really, a weapon between them, not even to threaten Stede even if he wished it was for that but to protect himself. He would have made Stede beg for his forgiveness and waited till he asked to be let back into Ed’s life, apologizing the whole time and then Ed would lower the weapon and when Stede would start to smile Ed would tell him no, turn around and leave him, break Stede’s heart like Stede had done to Ed.
They would keep crossing paths, afterwards, and Stede would not give up on Ed no matter how often Ed showed him the cold shoulder and maybe Ed would let Stede back in again, ever so slowly, but –
None of this is ever going to happen now.
There is a gaping hole in his chest where first his love then his hatred for Stede sat. The part of his that is still just Ed weeps because he yearns for the days when it had been so easy, sitting in the crow’s nest or with their legs stuck through the reeling. Or that last, perfect evening on the beach before the light of the new day showed him in stark brightness that simple happiness had not been enough to keep Stede by his side. (He lied to you, the roaring fury of the Kraken slowly poisons his mind with, you never made him happy, not you, never you, you’re too much of a savage to ever deserve someone as untainted as him.)
His nails dig into his scalp and the pain grounds him, back in the captain’s quarters. Neither the salt nor the black grease coming off with it shows on his leather pants when he curls together in the little nook again and presses his face against his knees to hide his tears from the painted lighthouse.
He wishes he had kept at least something of all the things that had brought Stede (and in extension, him) comfort instead of throwing them all out but there is nothing left, no fine fabrics or well-loved books or soft pillows. No marmalade or flowers or sugary treats. The room’s barren cold is a fitting mirage of how completely Ed has lost Stede.
The sea has swallowed Stede’s riches.
The land has swallowed Stede himself.
The first time it happens, it is somewhat of an accident. It is the first ship they have seen in a while and Blackbeard needs to let off some steam. The fact it turns out to be a slightly bigger fish than anyone expected it to be (they do not have Button’s eyes anymore) is… unfortunate.
But the reputation of the flag still predominates over the fight and they manage to subdue the other crew despite having barely four people in fighting shape. They are still loading over what riches they find, coin and fruits and goods they can sell when they make land next when Blackbeard torches the captain’s quarters before Ed can decide to pick up any of the niceties lying around in there.
Their retreat afterwards is hasty. The screams of the other crew as the flames consume their ship follow the Revenge for miles and haunt Ed deep into his dreams. Stede’s expression from that breakfast with Jack flashes before his eyes, shock and disgust and, and fear at who he is.
Ed might have made Stede happy. But Ed had always only ever been a part of who he is. Blackbeard had only ever managed to hurt Stede.
(And Stede had hurt Ed and now he was gone gone gone.)
They make port in Nassau and pick up a few additional crewmembers. Blackbeard does not even look at them nor tries to learn their names. He leaves that up to Izzy. He becomes the specter, the ghost of his own ship that he had been before meeting Stede. Always there, turning up when no one expects him to, but always apart. The crew fears him, he knows, and while Blackbeard relishes in their terrified obedience Ed weeps for the easy loyalty Stede had had with his crew.
They must be all dead by now, of thirst and hunger and maybe by each other’s hands. All except for Frenchie who is still aboard the Revenge with him and Jim, who somehow managed to slip off in Nassau despite Ivan guarding them. Blackbeard ran him through for that, down left where it does not do any permanent damage and promised Ivan to stab him two hands higher next time he fucked up like that.
He needs to keep up appearances after all.
No one has to see how his hand shakes after he pulls the sword out, covered in the blood of someone whom he used to trust.
The second, third and fourth time is just him picking fights with ever greater opponents. Not simple merchant vessels anymore but well-armed transports with easily five times the amount of cannons the Revenge has. But –
Blackbeard always wins.
The monotony is back. No matter whom they attack, it is not a challenge anymore.
(Ed wants to curl up into a ball and die.)
He sees Izzy, sees how worried he looks when his First Mate looks at him. He is Blackbeard but the time with Bonnet cost him something he cannot measure up with gold. Not just his beard (which keeps slowly growing back in, the silver in it dyed dark with the grease paint he keeps using day after day) but something… inside of him. As if Stede stole a part of Ed and took it with him when he left and Ed Blackbeard The Kraken, they cannot find it anymore. It is gone.
He does not know what he is doing.
There is no lighthouse to guide a Kraken.
They end in a small harbor of a small town he cannot remember the name of to save his life for repairs after the seventh time.
A lesser ship would have fallen apart by now, Blackbeard knows. They have had so many brushes with ships that should have dominated them that the only reason they are still afloat is due to the incredibly durable wood used to build the Revenge.
They replace it with lesser timber. It makes the Revenge look like a patchwork despite the half-assed paint job they also put her through.
Izzy confronts him after the eight time they pick a fight with someone so far out of their league there should have been no way to win (and yet they did). Izzy fought like a demon in a human body but he looks tired in a way Blackbeard is not used to.
What the fuck are you doing? Izzy asks and for the first time in a while, his Blackbeard mask slips away in front of another person.
What’s left out there for me? he not-answers and Izzy’s face falls.
You know.
Yes. I do.
In a moment of weakness he pushes Frenchie overboard, just like he did with Lucius but they are anchored in a gorgeous little island cove and the beach is not far. Frenchie yelps before the waters swallow all other sounds and Izzy’s frown deepens.
The tenth time is when it finally comes to an end. They are close to Ocracoke Island and a warship of the Royal Navy has been steadily creeping up on them. The Revenge has been lagging low in the water for a while. When night falls, Blackbeard orders them to anchor down and wait for the British to catch up to them. They get boarded in the light of a half-moon and no fog or storm comes to prevent it. There are so many people climbing on board, far more than their tired bunch can fight off. Izzy tries, valiantly so, but while he is holding off two soldiers a third shoots him through the back and another part of Ed dies, watching him fall.
He does not even try to dodge the next attack meant for him and his world explodes into blinding pain as he gets run through in a place where it must have hit something important. It brings him to his knees and Blackbeard stares down at his chest in quiet astonishment when his attacker pulls out again.
In the low light, on his leather, his blood is dark like ink.
How fitting, the Kraken chuckles. It hurts.
He knows he is dying when Stede Bonnet appears in his vision, already fraying at the edges, wearing tight black pants and a flowy white shirt, half-unbuttoned down his chest. His hair looks longer but still crowns his head like a wave caught in golden sunlight of dawn.
Ed smiles.
Everything goes dark.
He did not know that being dead hurt so much. His body feels like it is on fire, especially his abdomen where that sword ran through him. But everything else hurts as well.
Except for his heart.
For the first time since the morning on the dock, abandoned by the one person who made him believe in a future together away from piracy his heart is at ease. Because in death, that much is obvious, Stede is with him.
He keeps turning up in Ed’s dreams and fusses over him, still dressed in those ridiculous(ly hot) black pants and white shirt.
There are new worry lines on Stede’s face and his eyes look so far away sometimes and his smiles are rarer and less blinding but he is there and that is all Ed could have ever asked for.
He is so tired of the anger and the hatred and the grieving.
He is so tired of hiding Ed behind the mask of a monster.
He slips in and out of consciousness for who-knows-how-long. The fire burns down to a dull throbbing and more times than not Stede is there when he opens his eyes. Once he thinks he sees Lucius and it makes him feel sad to know the scribe died because of his petty anger.
Sometimes he thinks Stede is talking to him and he tries to listen but slips away without being able to remember any words.
He is so very exhausted.
And then it’s over.
Ed wakes up with a clarity to his thoughts he had not had since the fight at Ocracoke. He does not recognize his surroundings but he feels the gentle sway he is so used to from a life at sea and relaxes. Light is flooding his resting place, a bed next to a luxurious glass window front that reminds him of Stede’s bed on the Revenge. It must be early morning for the ship is quiet and the warmth of the sun feels fresh and pleasing on his skin instead of the oppressing heat late afternoon sun would have filled windowed quarters with.
A quiet grunt has him turn away from the view and he freezes at the scene presented to him.
Stede Bonnet sits there next to the bed, slumped forward onto the mattress and peacefully asleep. One hand rests on top of Ed’s while the other arm is slung haphazardly over his abdomen, half on top of a pristine bandage wrapped around his stomach like a sash.
Stede looks older, asleep like this. More serious and somewhat sad and Ed’s heart clenches. He lifts his other hand, the one not covered by Stede’s, and gently brushes golden strands of hair out of Stede’s face.
At the touch, Stede jolts awake. He half-rises with a speed Ed would have never expected of him, not as bleary-eyed as Stede still is, but the Gentleman Pirate stops his hurried retreat as he catches sight of Ed’s face. Stede’s whole expression morphs into a smile, blinding like the sun, like he used to smile at Ed.
“I love you,” he breathes out as if it was the easiest thing to say, the first thing on his mind after waking from a slumber. As if he had so much experience saying the words to Ed that it was not a big deal anymore. As if Stede saying those three words did not make Ed’s heart stop in his chest.
There are still so many things between them but Ed cannot help himself. He sits up, ignoring the twinge of pain in his stomach and buries his free hand in Stede’s hair (still so soft ever so soft like a cloud or foam on top of a wave) and, finding permission in Stede’s happy little smile, pulls them together for a searing kiss.
“How are you alive?” he breathes against Stede’s lips, unable to open up his eyes. Their foreheads are resting together and he keeps playing with Stede’s hair. Stede is gently stroking down his back, long and unhurried and with a confidence that excites Ed because it is so unexpected.
Stede just laughs, a soft and melodic sound.
“A damn good fuckery, if I might say so myself.” His face turns more serious as he pulls away to look at Ed properly. “I am sorry, Ed,” he quietly says and his hand pulls away from Ed’s back to brush over his cheek. “For leaving. And for making you think I died.” Ed nuzzles into the hand and tries to ignore the goosebumps crawling up his neck. Stede presses another kiss to his lips, then one to his forehead. He gets up, but before Ed can panic about Stede running away again he sits down on the bed, facing Ed. Their other hands are still entwined. Ed gives him a gentle squeeze.
“Okay,” he croaks, not sure how else to react. He has had so much time to work through his anger and grief. Here, in this bed basking in morning sunshine, all those dark thoughts seem very far away.
He does not manage to stay awake for long, still weak from his gut wound but Stede promises to stay around for as long as Ed wants him to (forever forever forever his brain chants over and over) and Ed is still clutching Stede’s hand as he nods off.
The Kraken, at last, is asleep.
He wakes up some indeterminable time later to quiet voices and opens his eyes to find Stede in hushed conversation with – with Lucius. Ed tenses and Stede looks down at him, their hands still entangled. Lucius gives Ed a wild look as he realizes Blackbeard is awake and disappears faster than Ed can open his mouth to reassure him.
His face falls. He deserved that one.
“He’ll come around,” Stede promises and he is giving Ed another one of his little smiles. “As will the others. I got them back, all of them.” You did not kill any of them, is what he does not say but Ed hears it nonetheless. Tears well up in his eyes and he hates how weak he feels, all of a sudden.
“I thrashed your ship,” he all but whimpers and there is Stede’s thumb brushing over his cheek again.
“Shh, I know. And I helped put her to the bottom of the ocean. Blackbeard’s been officially declared dead, together with most of his men.” Ed stills under the touch and his eyes go wide in astonishment.
“New names and all that, wasn’t that what you were talking about?” There is laughter in Stede’s eyes and chest.
“You’re serious.”
“Never wasn’t. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. There was just some loose end I needed to take care of first.” He leans over and kisses Ed and Ed lets him, answers him, melts into him.
They exchange gentle kisses for what feels like hours but must have been mere minutes when a knock on the door interrupts them.
“Come on in!” Stede calls without ever letting go of Ed’s chin. The door opens to admit a familiar figure to the quarters.
“Izzy,” Ed breathes out and drinks in the sight of his First Mate. He has lost a lot of weight and leans heavily on a crutch but he is alive if not yet well. Izzy is also not looking at Ed as he takes a couple of hobbling steps into the room. He is looking at Stede instead with an expression like a dog hoping, waiting to get permission from his master.
“Captain,” he greets Stede carefully and gets an acknowledging “Mr. Hands” in return. Then, and only then, does he turn towards Ed and a year of regrets is written on his face.
“I was told you had woken up.”
“You’re alive,” is all Ed can say.
“Captain Bonnet graciously saved me,” Izzy answers and his gaze flicks back to Stede as if afraid of the other man. Ed looks over to Stede as well and is surprised to see the seriousness in the Gentleman Pirate’s expression.
“I did it for Ed.”
“I know.”
“Please leave, now.”
There is a silent rapport between the two men that has never been there before and Izzy does some sort of half-flourish, or as much of one as his injuries allow him to, turns around and hobbles out of the room.
The door closes.
“Thank you,” Ed chokes as he buries his face in the crook of Stede’s neck while quiet sobs shake his shoulders. “I love you, I love you I love you” and Stede is playing with his hair while he holds him, buries his nose into the salt-and-pepper curls and just murmurs, “I know. I love you too.”
Stede, as far as Ed can judge, never actually leaves his quarters while Ed lies in his bed, recovering from the stab wound. And one after the other, everyone visits. They are still wary around him, even Black Pete (especially Black Pete), and he cannot blame them. He learns that they not only managed to steal away Izzy but Ivan and Fang as well in that messy fight where the Revenge found her end (together with that lighthouse painting and Ed misses that one but there is a new painting in the quarters of the starry night sky over Barbados) and Ed –
Ed is happy.
He has a ship and a crew that turns back into family a little more with every passing day and Stede Stede Stede. Stede holding him in the night. Stede carding fingers through his hair in the morning. Stede smiling at him in the lazy afternoon sun. Stede kissing him with lips wet with fine brandy.
Stede making love to him under the stars.
Their old lives are both dead and over with. It is kind of comforting, really, and it does not take long at all for Ed to get his mind around it.
Their new life, their shared life, is only just starting, stretching out ahead of them.
And that is more than okay.