Chapter Text
She never particularly cared about Riven. Unlike a large part of the school, she didn’t hate him or even disliked him, which however does not mean she liked him. Musa just did not think about him long enough to form an opinion on the matter. The reason why she avoided him since the beginning of the year was mainly due to her own magic going into overdrive when she was close enough to feel him.
While Sam was her peace, her silence in the middle of the storm, Riven’s mind is the storm. His emotions are like a hurricane, with each one louder than the last one, trying to win dominance in a war they cannot win.
She avoided him because he feels too much, more than one would think with the way he acts, and his raging emotions would demand her attention every time, which was not what she wanted. So, she attached herself to her peace and let the hurricane pass her by. Which is why it took her so long to notice Riven was no longer the guy he was before. After breaking up with Sam, and in between working against Rosalind, she noticed that the quiet she sought out in her ex was also a buffer to ignore the outside world and to run from her magic. Without that by her side every moment, she noticed the disappearance of his chaos. Where used to be a wave of emotions hitting her like a tsunami, were now only silent waters, drowning her in the stillness of his mind.
She missed the storm. So, she got it back.
Musa had spent hours working together with other mind fairies, trying to break the hold Rosalind had on different students around the school. That the only way she could inspire loyalty was by controlling her students instead of allowing them their free will should have given the woman a clue that she won’t win a war. People need to believe in what they are doing; they should be allowed to make their own choices.
It took a long time, even with all their powers combined. Ultimately, it was only when Rosalind herself was defeated by the dragon flame, the magic she aspired to possess so desperately, that the student’s minds were cleared, but not healed. Ever since then, Musa catches herself hiding from people even more than before, her headset no longer giving her a strong enough barrier against the guilt overflowing within the walls of Alfea.
That is why she is hiding in the library, sitting on the floor between the history and psychology section while listening to music, when she feels a familiar mind, recognizing the voice so quickly, she herself is surprised. But she knows the emotions linked to it, can feel underneath the thick layer of guilt and self-loathing laying on the surface of his mind. Riven. She pretends to not hear it for a moment, focusing on her music instead, but the deep hurt cut through her, and she cannot ignore the pain he feels. Taking of her headset and dropping it in her backpack together with a book she was browsing through, she gets up. Silently, she walks towards where she feels his presence.
She spots him by the window, overlooking the castle grounds. His brown hair has grown a bit longer since the last time she saw him, some loose curls hanging on his forehead. Turned away from her, smoke surrounds him, disregarding the no smoking inside rule altogether, not that anyone cares enough to point it out to him. The cigarette is held loosely between his fingers, like it can fall at any moment, and he couldn’t care less. She can see the indifference as if nothing gets to him, but she knows better. For the first time since she felt him her first week in Alfea, one clear emotion has taken the upper hand, self-loathing surrounds him, just as visible to her as the leather jacket he is wearing. Unsure whether she should stay or go, Musa approaches him with small steps, as if to not disturb him.
“What do you want, mind fairy?” He does not look up at her, his eyes never leaving the view from the window. Biting her lip nervously, wondering why she doesn’t just turn back, she moves to stand next to him.
“I was just wondering how you are after everything”, she starts hesitantly. He snorts mocking, bringing the cigarette back to his lips, only to blow the smoke right in her face. Coughing, she waves it away.
“Like you don’t already know how I am. Fucking mind fairies, they cannot mind their own damn business, always snooping in other peoples’ head.” She rolls her eyes, not surprised that he cannot be straight with her. Good to know not everything has changed, she supposes. “Why don’t you tell me how I am, you are already rooting around in my head anyway, aren’t you?”
She feels a little bit of anger come through the guilt and self-loathing, but she knows it is not really aimed at her. Sighing, she moves his legs from the windowsill and sits down next to him. There is less space than she anticipated, her right leg is pressed against his left, however he does not react to the contact, which encourages her to speak up. “It was not you, not really.”
Immediately she knows she fucked up, said the wrong thing. She should be good at the comforting thing, she can feel what the other is feeling, she should be excellent. Only, that is not the same as understanding.
“Was not me? Rosalind made me betray everyone, is that what you are saying?” he scoffs angrily, “because she wasn’t even here when I started trusting Beatrix more than Sky, I did that. I choose to help her after knowing she killed someone as well. And yes, when she was back, she controlled me, but it were still my hands fighting my fellow classmates, it were my twin swords cutting through soldiers in her name, it was other people’s blood I needed to wash of my body afterwards. She made me do things, but I was still there, I was aware of everything I did, and I laughed when others fell.”
She has never seen him cry, but now tears are filling his eyes, sadness becoming more prominent in the mix of emotions being send her way. The disappointment surprises her, as if it he is not only hating all his actions, but that he is also disappointed in himself, disappointed in letting himself be fooled and controlled. Musa remains silent, waiting for him to continue like she knows he needs to.
“I was there, but I was also not. I remember everything but I couldn’t control how I reacted to it. I was unable to make my own decisions for so long, just another soldier following orders without question.”
Before she can overthink it, her hand finds his, squeezing it in comfort. Musa takes it as the win it is when he doesn’t pull away. Silence falls and they sit there for a while, not speaking. The sun casting its warmth on them is slowly going under, being replaced by the bright library lights getting turned on. Time goes on but she doesn’t know what to say and he is not speaking anymore either. She tries to focus on a positive emotion, like contentment as happiness itself is still too far for either of them to feel with only a few weeks having passed since taking back Alfea. Concentrating she tries to pass some positiveness his way, to break through his wall of guilt and bring him some comfort in the only way she knows how. Hoping it will help.
“Please stop”, he whispers, as if he is scared to shatter the silence. Immediately she pulls back, pulling back what she wanted to give. “I cannot handle someone being in my head after spending months as a visitor in my own mind.”
“I am so sorry, I just,” she apologizes softly, wanting to explain but knowing she was wrong at the same time, “I just wanted to help, I should have known better.” He shakes his head, ignoring her apology.
“You being here, me not being alone,” he turns towards her, their eyes meeting and in a way his look clearer, as if he is more present than he was before. “It helps. I just -” He breaks off, not knowing how to continue. She waits, her thumb caressing his palm gently, comforting him.
“I just feel so lost without her now, I don’t know how to move on”, he confesses and her heart breaks for him. This guy that used to walk around all tough, pretending like nothing got to him, is reduced to this being of insecurity and pain. She hates Rosalind even more than she did before, hates that she tried to destroy people beyond repair, scar them where no-one would see. But Musa sees it, she feels it.
“We are all lost. I cannot tell you how to do live with all she has done to you.” Her hands find his cheeks, holding his face between her palms to force him to not look away for what she wants to tell him. “You are not defined by what she did to you, you are more than the vessel she made of you. Riven, please don’t forget that you existed before her, and you will exist long after.”
She is crying, he is crying. Their foreheads meet, bringing them so close that she can feel his breath on her face. Closing her eyes, she is mourning the guy she never really knew. One arm finds it way around her waist to pull her even closer, the other hand still holds his cigarette away from her body. Holding him close, breathing in sync, she can feel his emotional storm calm down a little.
It is only when the librarian comes to tell them that she needs to close and they need to leave, that they pull back. Awkwardly, she takes her bag and follows him out, uncertain on what to say after their unexpected hug. He turns to her, taking her in while she shuffles nervously and then the left corner of his mouth curves upwards, giving her a small but meaningful smile.
“You are alright for a mind fairy, pixie.”
She smiles as she watches him walk away, knowing she will see him again soon.